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What do you do?


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Posted

Sheesh! FIVE HOURS on the phone and nothing resolved! That should be your first clue that this is NOT meant to be. A good relationship between two people does NOT take that much work!

 

Who wants all that drama and work? I've been with my husband 11 years and I can't even count on one hand having a "discussion" that we didn't resolve in less than five hours.

 

You two are clearly not meant to be. Sadly (been there) there are times when love is just not enough.

 

Good luck in finding the RIGHT woman for you. And you were very wise to not introduce your kids to her and the drama that comes with her.

Posted
Yup! Alpha, totally did. But that was acting. Found I wasn't being honest with myself. I also realized that she could do the same thing and that's not what I want at all. Two people acting like a**h***s! :laugh:

 

I'm usually cool and collected, if I feel that I'm about to become less cool and calm, I say so. "You know, I'm at the point right now that I know I won't be able to contribute anything good to this conversation soon. This is not a threat or even a warning, I just know I should step back and digest this before I behave in a way that I don't want to. Can we take a break and resume in like an hour? Please."

 

But that doesn't work and I eventually lose my temper. at which point things just naturally disintegrate. Acting the a**h*** isn't good for me or anyone else. Just doesn't feel honest. Now if I was ACTUALLY an a**h***, then well....well I'd be full of s***! :laugh:

 

I kept trying it, which resulted in my ending this relationship SEVERAL times, I do believe it's like 11. But I kept going back. It says something about me. lacking some spinal material I think is how I phrased it. Or Maybe it's just compassion. Who knows?

 

Anyway, I'm seriously considering ending this once and for all now. Agin thanks to the good folks at Loveshack.

 

MA

 

The first step is to be true to yourself. Don't try and act in a way that you are not comfortable with and that is out of character. 11 times is an awful lot of times to end one relationship. That shows that the two of you don't take the relationship seriously. You should break it off once and for all with her.

Posted
I've been with my husband 11 years and I can't even count on one hand having a "discussion" that we didn't resolve in less than five hours.

 

This sentence makes no sense... :rolleyes:

Posted
This sentence makes no sense... :rolleyes:

 

Oops! You're right it doesn't. Got distracted. What I meant to say was that in 11 years, we've probably had less than 5 longish discussions to resolve something. None of them lasted FIVE hours though and we always came to a resolution.

 

Want to add that something I heard a long time ago was that the most damaging thing in a relationship is when two people keep having the SAME issues over and over with no resolution. That's worse than having different issues come up and finding resolutions to those. Did that make sense?

 

And it sounds like OP is having the same type of problem over and over again. Not good. I'd move on as hard as it may be.

Posted
This sentence makes no sense... :rolleyes:

 

:lmao: :lmao: That's too funny!

 

What I meant to say was that in 11 years, we've probably had less than 5 longish discussions to resolve something. None of them lasted FIVE hours though and we always came to a resolution.

 

Yup.

 

WTF!? Why are all the good ones HERE and not in my life?!? :laugh:

We ARE in your life, silly...Just online. Anytime you need it, we're all here for ya! ;):)

 

and WW I'm going to ask you if I can pirate your language. That laser has a soft side.

 

Go for it!

 

I always seem to attract the opposite of what I want, and turn to what I want for advice, maybe this is what they mean when they say we retake Life's lessons until we learn them.

 

Ah well, it's back to class!

 

Life is fun, isn't it?

  • Author
Posted

My kids and I just spent the last four hours planting flowers in the front. Good fun. When they're on task they're focused like little robots. So I had some time to think. While getting VERY dirty. :D

 

The good things about this relationship are SO good, and SO beautiful that I find myself willing to put up with the bad stuff. Which is as bad as the good is good.

 

Now one thing I've learned is that it takes one bad thing to undo five or six good things. Like one dandelion can eventually destroy a lush green lawn. So in that sense, yes, the bad is outweighing the good.

 

Even if it wasn't a five to one split good to bad, these are underlying probems that only create an unfertile relationship. If we were to try and expand upon what's here, the seeds of insecurity, fear, and anger would be forced deep into the soil of the growing relationship. Essentially salting the Earth, and preventing any further growth.

 

Fertilizing any further would only scorch the dying relationship, hastening it's death and polluting the surrounding ground.

 

:( time to pull the weed.......

 

I'll miss that stubborn wildflower.

 

MA sad now.

Posted
The good things about this relationship are SO good, and SO beautiful that I find myself willing to put up with the bad stuff. Which is as bad as the good is good. MA sad now.

 

Not to go against the current but are you certain there is nothing you could say that would convince her to try counseling?

 

Reason why I ask is that it doesn't seem to me like you're basing your unwillingness to leave the relationship on emotional reasons (i.e. fear of being alone, insecurities) as much as it seems it's because of real feelings and having invested quite some time into it.

 

And if you could, would you be willing to stand by her till she resolved whatever deeper issues she may be having and then reasses if it's worth it?

 

Granted it's a risky time investment but if you love her maybe it's more worthy of an investment than going out there and trying again.

  • Author
Posted
Not to go against the current but are you certain there is nothing you could say that would convince her to try counseling?

 

Doubt is indeed an uncomfortable situation, but certainty is patently absurd. I can't know if there is something I could say, even if I said everything there is to say. Things I say that have a positive effect, are complete surprises to me. So much so that I am totally unaware of what I said that had that effect. I do know that when I speak factually, it causes problems. I don't say things like, "you're my world." or "You complete me." or "I love you more than life itself." Those types of things are just untrue for me. So I don't say them. I do suspect, that hearing that from me would make her feel more secure, but what is security when based on lies?

 

Reason why I ask is that it doesn't seem to me like you're basing your unwillingness to leave the relationship on emotional reasons (i.e. fear of being alone, insecurities) as much as it seems it's because of real feelings and having invested quite some time into it.

 

True, and I'm glad that's coming across. The time investment is not as weighty as is the fact that I honestly love this woman dearly, though. I mean, there are SO many connections, and such good togetherness, that I'm really torn here.

 

And if you could, would you be willing to stand by her till she resolved whatever deeper issues she may be having and then reasses if it's worth it?

 

Not to be flippant, but if I could stand by her until she resolved these issues, and THEN reassess it's value to me, I wouldn't be experiencing this schism.

I just would. What's hard for me is that I have stood by her, and been accomodating, but it appears that she wants me to compromise my integrity so she can feel better. That's unhealthy, no?

 

Granted it's a risky time investment but if you love her maybe it's more worthy of an investment than going out there and trying again.

 

um, okay. Stop peering into the thoughts that I believed were private and my own! :D I think I put that very same construction together this afternoon.

 

I would have to be able to withstand the poison. And toughen myself against "Her December." Innoculate the people around me from the fallout of my involvement with her, and protect the healthy parts of our relationship from the infected seepage that could sterilize the whole thing. I'm no Superman.

 

I think I'll drop this gardening metaphor now. :laugh:

 

MA

Posted
I think I'll drop this gardening metaphor now. :laugh:

 

MA

 

Yeah, metaphors should be used with care. Maybe you can switch over to an automotive or football analogy. Actually hockey would be great. That would keep my attention.

  • Author
Posted
Yeah, metaphors should be used with care. Maybe you can switch over to an automotive or football analogy. Actually hockey would be great. That would keep my attention.

 

heh heh.... I'm just in touch with my Earthy side! Planting stuff is cool. Maybe I'll switch over to the Motorcycle metaphor. :laugh: Just for you Jo ol' buddy! :D

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