What do you do?

[MassiveAtom]

What does one do when, in talking with a Significant Other person, all sorts of miscues begin to show?

 

When they start saying things like "If you want to get away from me then just drop me off at home." When there was no action on your part to indicate that's what you wanted....

 

When you see them perpetrating blatant hypocrisy, yet they launch accusations that you are the culprit of those shennanigans....

 

When words you use come back at you, seemingly misplaced in relevance and engineered to cause confusion, entrap, and cause pain....

 

When over the past 8 days you have been berated because that significant other person thinks you did something wrong, (not morally, but operationally) and SHOULD have done it differently....

 

What do you do?

[MadDog]

"If your girl starts acting up, and then you take her friend."

 

Well, maybe her friend might be a bit tool-like but how about another girl?

[Walk]

I think the usual course of action is to open up a dialogue on what's going on. State the actions you see that conflict with the words, or vice versa, and how that makes you feel. Ask what's going on....

 

I think the best thing you could do is remove the emotion from this. It'd be really hard, but the next time he turns your words around to hurt you then (really calmly and with negative tone) ask him him what's going on.

 

I would think it could be a couple things.. Either he's become really defensive about something he perceives your doing.(non-verbal language/actions.) Maybe he feels you're being insensitive toward him or causing damage to his ego in some way, but he doesnt' have the skills to talk to you about. (I'm wondering if this is it, based on the comment about dropping him off if you don't want him around...)

 

OR, he's cheating on you and is attempting to place guilt and confusion on you to keep you off balance.

 

I'm not sure I got a very good picture of your situation, and it might help the posters if you were able to expound a bit more on it. What kind of comments is he turning against you, are there triggers that lead to this, what happened right before he said you could drop him off if you didn't want to be around him...? how long have you been dating? How old are the two of you? Etc. Just a little more information because it's a little too sketchy to give very good advice on this.

[whichwayisup]

They're being passive aggressive and playing the control game. It's complete manipulation and that kind of behaviour I think, is pure bulls***! I have NO time for someone who does that.

 

Why be around someone who tries to make you feel like crap, feel guilty and most of all, feel sorry for them yet put ALL the blame on you without you really knowing until it's too late.

 

Get out NOW while you still can.

 

Just my 2 cents.

[Alexandra]

Had your profile been blank and this were your first post and people could still tell the SO was female.

 

Beyond the humour value though... It sounds like either she is troubled by something else, a deeper topic that she may not even be aware of herself, or that maybe you are bothered more than usual.

 

To determine if it's the latter try and spend some time in retrospect, have there been other instances when she was acting all erratic and bothersome? If so what made you excuse them sooner then? If so then your next step is determining why you'd be less permisive of her PMS-like-moments.

 

Not much you can do to work it out if it's the former other than something that would help both the cause and the effect. Try and have an open dialogue about it. Communication does and will help if you word it right.

 

You call her your SO not your g/f or the girl you're dating so I presume there's quite some time invested in this relationship, surely there must be functional open communication mechanisms. "I'm feeling really sad and worried about the last few days because you seem to not love me as much when you...." should not be that awkward of a phrase.

[Walk]

Hmm... I thought the SO was a guy. What's that imply, shrink lady?

 

All I know is I got upset with my bf few days ago and had the hardest time figuring out how to express myself or even what I was feeling, acted all pissy and obnoxious.. Finally tried talking to him, and bungled it so bad he thought I was calling him an ass, thought I was turning his words all around, etc....

 

So I'm identifying with someone who might be having a problem communicating. Give her an opportunity to discuss it with some rational thought.... use a little patience and understanding first. Try to get to the underlying problem.

 

But if that doesn't work then reasses if this is her normal personality and you dismissed it previously, and if it's something you want to deal with in the future.

[MassiveAtom]

They're being passive aggressive and playing the control game.[/Quote]

 

When will I learn to trust my gut? My first reaction to it was this VERY notion.

 

It's complete manipulation and that kind of behaviour I think, is pure bulls***! I have NO time for someone who does that. [/Quote]

 

I used that very word in a momentary lapse of self control myself. BullSh|t was the exact term. BTW, since when has LS been so lenient with the more "colorful" language?

 

Why be around someone who tries to make you feel like crap, feel guilty and most of all, feel sorry for them yet put ALL the blame on you without you really knowing until it's too late.

 

That's PART of how I think about this. It's as if SHE (it IS a woman) is trying to obfuscate her true meaning to throw ME off balance and somehow gain control of my behavior. It's very......... wierd feeling.

 

Boy, WW You still got it don't you. That clarity I mean. Like a friggin LASER.

[MassiveAtom]

Had your profile been blank and this were your first post and people could still tell the SO was female.

 

That profile of mine gave me away!

 

Beyond the humour value though... It sounds like either she is troubled by something else, a deeper topic that she may not even be aware of herself,

 

ALTOGEHTER probable. She has some things that could easily create this type of behavior in anyone dealing with the same situation.

 

or that maybe you are bothered more than usual.

 

I've been reflecting on this possibility as well. I also totally respect and appreciate that you'd be willing to offer it. I may be a little more sensitive to controlling behavior, and passive aggression than the next guy, true. I've been wondering if that's baggage from my divorce that remains to be exorcized, or if it's experience that I must retain and develop into wisdom. Either way, that Quite a valid point.

 

To determine if it's the latter try and spend some time in retrospect, have there been other instances when she was acting all erratic and bothersome? If so what made you excuse them sooner then? If so then your next step is determining why you'd be less permisive of her PMS-like-moments.

 

Actually yes, she has behaved this way before. I have been consistently strong against it. It usually escalates into her screaming at me, and becoming VERY dramatic - at one point geting out of a moving car. I stopped when the door opened. I've actually broken up with her several times because of this behavior... Now nobody get on the "don't-go-back" Soapbox. I know, I know. MAybe the issue isn't my over-sensitivity, maybe I'm lacking somewhat in spinal material.

 

Not much you can do to work it out if it's the former other than something that would help both the cause and the effect. Try and have an open dialogue about it. Communication does and will help if you word it right.

 

That's tonight. 9:30pm. via telephone.

 

You call her your SO not your g/f or the girl you're dating so I presume there's quite some time invested in this relationship, surely there must be functional open communication mechanisms. "I'm feeling really sad and worried about the last few days because you seem to not love me as much when you...." should not be that awkward of a phrase.

 

Yeah, that's a little awkward. We've been dating for a year, Seems like a lot shorter. And when she's not being "questionable" she downright Wonderful! There are ways we can communicate with each other well, but whenever we disagree, she becomes disagreeable, heck ANGRY. But she always Yells "I'm NOT ANGRY!!"

to which I reply, " Okay, Could you please stop yelling, it's not helping either of us."

she responds, "I"M NOT YELLING!" LOL!!

 

I'll let you all know how it goes this evening, I'll do my best to brain dump after the phone call.

 

Alexandra, this was an excellent response. Thank you!

 

MA

[allina]

This is woman talk for "I feel unwanted, please prove to me that I am indeed loved and wanted"

[Alexandra]

Alexandra, this was an excellent response. Thank you!

 

You're very welcome, I can't wait to hear how it went on the phone but don't expect it to be THE one and only magical conversation that would break a potential behaviour pattern she created for herself. However you seem very good at toneing her down and know how to deal with her in a fit which will prove to be great help.

 

You also sound like you're in love with your lady, and that coupled with your IQ and a tinge of patience spells eventual success.

 

Walk --- Determining someone's gender correctly doesn't make me such a great shrink, being able to tell you're a tad aggressive doesn't either but I'm curious, I've only just landed here, what did I ever manage to already do to you?

[MadDog]

This is woman talk for "I feel unwanted, please prove to me that I am indeed loved and wanted"

 

The problem is when this woman can't be convinced because she has too many insecurities. That's when you end up wasting a lot of time and energy on a hopeless cause.

[MassiveAtom]

This is woman talk for "I feel unwanted, please prove to me that I am indeed loved and wanted"

 

I'm not responsible for her emotional landscape Alina. And to ask for some imaginary "PROOF" is a recipe for disaster. We can't prove our emotions. We can only know what the world reflects back to us. In fact I just took her to Southern CA with me on vacation. We did all the things she wanted to do and got into fights every time I wanted to do something.

 

I do love this woman, but I don't think I can take much more of this. It's bordering on emotional abuse. So in that way I agree with MadDog. End it.

 

The verbal construction "You make me feel..." to me, is abhorrent. If she feels unwanted, it's not my doing. She has a key to my apartment, and I've told her repeatedly to come by if SHE wants to, and that I leave it to her better judgement to decide when, how, and why to show up here.

 

What else do I have to do? (rhetorical)

 

Hopeless? It may be.

 

Thank you for the compliment Alexandra. Sincerely.

 

MA

[johan]

This is the crap my ex used to pull. It's really up to her whether she stops it, because there's not much you can do. She wants you to think so, but there isn't.

 

My conclusion was always that I loved her and had faith in us. Her problems were episodic. It wasn't constant. Things could be really good and I thought they could stay that way. But it was hers to control.

 

Being with someone like that can make you strong as hell. You are often being asked to look inside yourself to see if you really did do something wrong. And to keep your sanity, you'll have to learn to understand why you do what you do and why it's ok. Not to mention, you'll have to decide not to go on her little emotional rides. So you'll learn to be steady and calm in the face of her storms.

 

Those were the things I learned from my ex, and I'm actually grateful for that. Not every guy would hang in there for as long as I did. And in the end she pushed me over the edge.

[whichwayisup]

When will I learn to trust my gut? My first reaction to it was this VERY notion.

 

Gut is one thing but the heart sometimes says something else...Plus, there are times when you just gotta go through with it and see how it plays out. Obviously you did, maybe abit too long??

 

 

I used that very word in a momentary lapse of self control myself. BullSh|t was the exact term. BTW, since when has LS been so lenient with the more "colorful" language?

 

About a month or so, maybe abit more. Kind of neat now! You can say s***! and the F word too!

 

 

That's PART of how I think about this. It's as if SHE (it IS a woman) is trying to obfuscate her true meaning to throw ME off balance and somehow gain control of my behavior. It's very......... wierd feeling.

 

Not only is it a weird feeling, but it is very offputting too. I have a friend just like this and she pulls that same kind of s*** on me. I've gone so far now, if she tries to pull crap on me, I call her on it as soon as it comes out of her mouth. It shuts her up really quickly too. She KNOWS what she's doing and now is aware I won't put up with it.

 

Boy, WW You still got it don't you. That clarity I mean. Like a friggin LASER.

 

Thanks for the compliment!

[MassiveAtom]

Johan, Spot on!!

 

All through this 5 1/2hour conversation there were moments of clarity only to be destroyed by the same stuff. Emotional rants that have no place in a good relationship.

 

I was on the phone for 5 and half hours! She kept telling me that I didn't understand this right, or that this and that were wrong about my perspective, I kept my voice calm and smooth. But the moment I offered any sort of explanation, of something that I didn't understand, sort of to check in and try to guage her meanng, it was turned around completely.

 

Example. We agreed to talk about what a situation "looked like" to me. I know to clarify at this point so I asked, "By 'looked like' do you mean I should tell you what >I< felt was going on?" "Yes" was her response. So we agreed that's what it meant and I told her. "It felt like I was shot down and that I couldn't do anything right. I was confused and quite frankly a little angry. What did it look like to you?"

 

She proceeded to tell me how I acted, what I said, how I sounded, and so forth. I asked her to tell me what SHE felt, not how I was acting, I know how I was acting, what did SHE feel?

 

So I got, "That's not what I asked you." and another explanation of what "looked like" meant. And more about how she said I acted. It was all bad by the way.

 

and it went on.......and on......... and on.......

 

'til finally I asked if she'd be willing to go to counseling with me. And she started crying, I started feeling pity. and That's no good.

 

I think this needs to end. For both our sakes.

 

but I'm still not certain. Stupid, stupid heart!

 

MA

[MadDog]

5 hour arguments on the phone huh? I had a couple of those in my last relationship (long distance.) Doesn't it make you feel like you're literally wasting your life away, especially when there's no resolution at the end of it?

 

You sound like you're in the exact type of relationship I was in before. Believe me, it's not you, it's her. Everytime you argue, she'll try to convince you that it was something you said or, even better, the "way you said something." That's what my ex did. At first I bought into it and thought maybe it really was me.

 

But then as the months went by, I started thinking, "There's no way I could be creating this many conflicts this often." The more I thought about it, the more I realized pretty much everything was in her head and the problem was with her and not me. The bottom line: she had major security issues.

 

And your girlfriend crying is typical too. If all else fails and they realize that they're getting nowhere with their illogical arguments, they'll cry and you'll feel badly so you won't call them out on their behavior that's so detrimental to a relationship. Alternating between antagonism and crying, that's how it went.

 

When I finally reached my limit and decided to end it, I felt a great sense of relief. No more arguing. No more being held on the phone for 2 hours longer than I could afford. No more being made to look like a jerk when I did nothing but try to be good to her. No more drama.

 

If you have kids, then it might be worth trying counseling because breaking up would be a last resort. If you don't have any kids though, I strongly suggest you cut your losses. The fact of the matter is, your girlfriend has issues that she may never get over as long as she lives. You owe it to yourself not to have to risk years of your life being unhappy hoping she'll solve her issues. Let her go and let someone else deal with her. Believe me, breaking up will only feel bad for a limited time but the potential to be truly happy will be worth it.

[MassiveAtom]

5 hour arguments on the phone huh? I had a couple of those in my last relationship (long distance.) Doesn't it make you feel like you're literally wasting your life away, especially when there's no resolution at the end of it?

 

Not even a hint of resolution. Talking in circles was the flavor of the evening.

 

The last thing I heard was , " I need to feel like you believe I'm making a positive contribution. But this is not positive. I feel like s***. Thanks. goodbye."

 

Correct me if I'm wrong but it sounds like I can't believe anything other than what she wants me to believe, and it's my fault if she feels badly.

 

If you have kids, then it might be worth trying counseling because breaking up would be a last resort. If you don't have any kids though, I strongly suggest you cut your losses. The fact of the matter is, your girlfriend has issues that she may never get over as long as she lives. You owe it to yourself not to have to risk years of your life being unhappy hoping she'll solve her issues. Let her go and let someone else deal with her. Believe me, breaking up will only feel bad for a limited time but the potential to be truly happy will be worth it.

 

I have kids FAPM, I have purposefully kept them and her separate until I could get my head around her behavior. Good thing too.

 

I owe it to myself to be happy, you're right MD. Absolutely right.

 

BTW, I was awaken at 7:30 by two little kids this morning, It's my weekend. the SO knows I have them and my mornings are earlier than usual when I do. She says she cares about me, but isn't it clear that a way to show caring would be to let me get some sleep?

 

This is sad.

 

MA

[alphamale]

when these things start happening on a regular basis then the relationship is either over or close to being over.

[MassiveAtom]

when these things start happening on a regular basis then the relationship is either over or close to being over.

 

If the bad stuff COULD stop it would, right?

 

It hasn't stopped in over a year.

 

I've already endured this crap for too long, always saying to myself,"I'll give her another chance." This is the 100th time now.

 

So how is it done? That is, How do I break up with her compassionately? I don't want to say anything mean, or act like a Jerk, or even make a scene. I certainly don't want to go back to this. Face to face? on the phone? What do I say? I've parted ways with women before, well, girls, but each time it was the wrong way. I was harsh and cruel, Brutally honest, and cold. How do I break someones heart, someone filled with good intention but the lack of desire to grow and develop, without being mean?

 

MA

[alphamale]

I don't want to say anything mean, or act like a Jerk, or even make a scene.

Have you tried acting the part of the a**h***? If not, you should try it. It works wonders.

[whichwayisup]

You just speak from your heart MA. Tell her that you DO care about her alot but it's just so obvious that you two aren't a good mix. It's not that you don't love her, you do, it's just that relationships aren't supposed to be this hard and draining.

 

The bad is outweighing the good, probably has for quite a while now, so that is another sign to end it. And, alpha is right with his words.

 

Sounds like she needs to go to counselling and fix herself. Rid of the insecurities she has, and grow into a stronger, secure person. She isn't happy with herself so because of that, she'll never be happy in a relationship. Her needs can't be met because her needs are changing all the time depending on her mood and insecurity level. The rollercoaster ride...

 

Break up with her soon. The longer you wait, the harder it will be.

 

Be honest, be direct, be respectful. Give her some closure if she needs it and then make sure she knows that you DO love her but that it's just not in the cards for you two to be together. Yes, it will crush her but she'll get over it with some help from her friends/family and maybe even a therapist.

 

Don't feel guilty either, k. She is who she is and she isn't going to change.

[HotCaliGirl]

I think she's being passive agressive. Instead of speaking her mind, she is trying to punish you with her words and actions. You are not a mindreader and should not have to read into WHY she is acting the way she is until she tells you, but you could ask WTF is your problem? if that's what it takes for her to speak up and not treat you like you're not worthy for her to share her feelings to.

[MassiveAtom]

Yup! Alpha, totally did. But that was acting. Found I wasn't being honest with myself. I also realized that she could do the same thing and that's not what I want at all. Two people acting like a**h***s!

 

I'm usually cool and collected, if I feel that I'm about to become less cool and calm, I say so. "You know, I'm at the point right now that I know I won't be able to contribute anything good to this conversation soon. This is not a threat or even a warning, I just know I should step back and digest this before I behave in a way that I don't want to. Can we take a break and resume in like an hour? Please."

 

But that doesn't work and I eventually lose my temper. at which point things just naturally disintegrate. Acting the a**h*** isn't good for me or anyone else. Just doesn't feel honest. Now if I was ACTUALLY an a**h***, then well....well I'd be full of s***!

 

I kept trying it, which resulted in my ending this relationship SEVERAL times, I do believe it's like 11. But I kept going back. It says something about me. lacking some spinal material I think is how I phrased it. Or Maybe it's just compassion. Who knows?

 

Anyway, I'm seriously considering ending this once and for all now. Agin thanks to the good folks at Loveshack.

 

MA

[MassiveAtom]

WTF!? Why are all the good ones HERE and not in my life?!?

 

HCG you've always had a very unique perspective, It's matter-of-fact and clear. That clarity is welcomed and appreciated! Thanks.

 

and WW I'm going to ask you if I can pirate your language. That laser has a soft side.

 

I always seem to attract the opposite of what I want, and turn to what I want for advice, maybe this is what they mean when they say we retake Life's lessons until we learn them.

 

Ah well, it's back to class!

 

MA

[johan]

But the moment I offered any sort of explanation, of something that I didn't understand, sort of to check in and try to guage her meanng, it was turned around completely.

I remember that.

 

..I was confused and quite frankly a little angry. What did it look like to you?"

 

She proceeded to tell me how I acted, what I said, how I sounded, and so forth. I asked her to tell me what SHE felt, not how I was acting, I know how I was acting, what did SHE feel?

 

So I got, "That's not what I asked you." and another explanation of what "looked like" meant. And more about how she said I acted. It was all bad by the way.

Oh man, do I remember that. My ex was incapable of introspection of any sort. At least in my presence. She make gradual changes in some things, and she was able to have more empathy over time. But her old habits never really died.

 

Also, try this little experiment: Say something like "I understand you have insecurities, everyone does. The important thing is to not let them take over the relationship." Just the concept that she has insecurities should escalate her into a fury, not to mention the idea that the majority of your problems are caused by her insecurities.

 

My ex and I did reach a steady state after a while, but it wasn't the same kind of relationship I had in mind when I got together with her. I really loved her. In the end I'll probably be happier with someone else. But I honestly regret that she and I didn't work things out. I adored her. I still adore her when I think about her. I think it's tragic that she has this problem, because she's really a great person.

 

It's interesting how much yours acts like mine. It freaks me out a little to think we might be writing about the same girl.