MM Proposed to me!!

[NFVSA]

I have been involved with this MM for three months now and proposed to me during the first month. Now here in South Africa there are two processes of getting married,the first phase is that of lobola ( he pays ur family a lump sum to thank them) and then when that phase is completed then you will marry legal and western way. He is currently married the traditional way (lobola) and i was also married that way at some point. FF, when he proposed, i asked him about the wife and he told me that he is not happy in his marriage and he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. Everything has been going well until she found my numbers and confronted me. I never confirmed nor denied the relationship to her. Initially this MM was supposed to leave him in June and we get married in July and now he says that we cannot be together on a full time basis until January next year because this confrontation has messed up his plans to leave her. I am very much in love with this guy because of the way he treats me. He makes promises which he keeps all the time. I travel a lot on official business and so does he , so we always make sure that we go on these trips together since we are in the same industry but after having spent some days together he would tell me that he wants to go home ( because he promised the wife to come back on such a day). When i get upset about departing then he would decide not to leave.

 

We have even opened a joint savings account together. What bores me to death is that we may only communicate during office hours, Monday to Friday. During weekends i cant call him, he should. In many instances he doesnt. I can't buy him presents because his wife would want to know where they come from. Now the reason behind this "good " behaviour to his wife is that he does not want to break up with her on the grounds of infidelity. He says they are not compatible anyway and they fight a lot so, he wants it to end on other issues except that of infidelity.

 

So this man is engaged to me while married to his wife. He says they don't have sex anymore and expects me to believe that. He declares his love for me on a daily basis and assures me that we will finally be together. I understand what he tells me its just that i wish i could trust him be cause i am really hoping that we will be together in the new year.

 

Am i naive or just stupid?Can this relationship work out? This is my first time the OW.

[tikigods]

Short answer is I don't believe this will ever work out. Long answer why, if he is ever so much in love with you, is he still married to his wife?

[Touche]

I'm sorry but I couldn't read your whole post. I just couldn't get past the part about his proposal while still married. Wow, just when I think I've heard it all! What a low character he has to be to do that.

 

Bet he never divorces his wife. This guy takes the cake! Don't be naive. It's a ploy to keep you hanging on.

[officespace]

Maybe red flag in this guy. They ALL seem to talk marriage early on. My MM told me, month 2, that if he was not already married, he would put a ring on my finger right now. It's a ploy.

 

Also, joint savings account? YIKES! Why are you combining finances with a married guy? If they split, couldn't she get some of YOUR money?

 

I think it's really disrespectful of him to propose while still married. That SHOULD be a happy, worry-free time of your life. You shouldn't be engaged to someone who is hiding you.

 

RED FLAGS EVERYWHERE!!!

[magda]

Also, joint savings account? YIKES! Why are you combining finances with a married guy? If they split, couldn't she get some of YOUR money?

Really!! Wuh?!

[Adunaphel]

Sorry, I think he is feeding you a lot of lies.

 

He's keeping his foot in two shoes, which is a very convenient situation for him.

 

Do not consider yourself engaged to him, because you are not.

 

By proposing to you, IMO he showed a lack of respect to *both* his wife and you.

 

BTW, I'd be very wary of a single guy who proposes after a month, leat alone a married guy.

I think he's just chosen the "plan of action" that would have worked best on you.

[movinon05]

And also sets a new arbitrary date of next January rather than July because of the inconvenience of having it exposed? Huh?? Gee, he just bought himself another 6 months! Blyuck!

[Art_Critic]

Just think of the other women that he has proposed to.. your not the first OW and you won't be the last..

 

Of all the MM you hear about on LS this one takes the cake.. what a smuck !!

[Blind Illusion]

Can you clarify something since I am not very knowledgeable about lobola. Is this similar to other non-westernized unions in which families planned the union at some point? Also, what are the legal ramifications since other posters raised some very good points about having joint assets with him.

 

Regardless of the marriage type, I do tend to agree with some of the other people here in that he really isn't making definitive moves one way or another.

 

I chuckled to myself when I read OfficeSpace's MM's comment (about if he wasn't married, he'd put a ring on my finger right now) because I remember my own MM saying something similar at an equally ridiculous time after the relationship began. I took it with a grain of salt though, figuring it was some sentiment of the moment thing. Which it was. I swear there must be a book out there teaching these dialogues since many of them say the exact same thing.

 

Of course every situation is different and I don't want to be negative about your current dilemma. That's why I asked about this lobola practice, wondering if that made any difference. Can you get married legally if he didn't do so with this current woman?

[My_Other_I]

Everyone else has pointed out the rest. Eek! I'm lost for words. If nothing else, tell me, how much trust do you have for a man who told you after 1 MONTH that he wants to spend the rest of his life with you. Doesn't that scream emotionally immature?! Did he marry his wife after a week, since he could have?! Or was he married at that time, too?!

Tell me that you are not falling for this crap?!

[movinon05]

Does he get him money back?? Maybe that's why he doesn't want to end it on an affair. This whole thing is just weird. And how long has he been "married" lobola wise? That he hasn't done it legally yet?

[beachrosie]

I'm scared for you. Please be careful.

[Guest]

Knowing someone for a month is not nearly enough time to tell if someone is truly compatable with you. During the first six months (sometimes more) in a relationship, you usually are on your best behavior because infatuation is in full swing.

 

Thank god he's put the whole thing off, it would be a HUGE mistake to marry someone blindly like that. This guy sounds like a total slimebag. He's married and yet proposing to other women after knowing them for a month, what kind of man would do such a sleazy thing? Yuck. Seriously, just yuck.

 

I'd also close that joint account. There is no reason for you to merge your money with this guy. Don't set yourself up to be taken for a ride, take off those blinders and run like hell. There are plenty of decent people out there, this guy doesn't even sound close to one, you can do much better than this.

[scarletletter]

For one thing, I don't know what the customs are in South Africa, but in America, you just don't propose to someone else while you are still married. That right there shows some instability or immaturity..not sure which, maybe both. One month is by far not long enough to know someone enough to propose or accept. Three months is definately not long enough to open up a joint account with someone. You are a very trusting person or love has made to totally blind and clouded your sense of knowing what is normal. I would for sure get my money out of that account and wait until he is divorced to start making any marrital plans....just my opinion.

[Sami_D]

I have been involved with this MM for three months now and proposed to me during the first month...

 

... he told me that he is not happy in his marriage and he wants to spend the rest of his life with me.

 

... she found my numbers and confronted me... now he says that we cannot be together on a full time basis until January next year because this confrontation has messed up his plans to leave her.

 

... We have even opened a joint savings account together... I can't buy him presents

 

... the reason behind this "good " behaviour to his wife is that he does not want to break up with her on the grounds of infidelity. He says they are not compatible anyway and they fight a lot so, he wants it to end on other issues except that of infidelity.

 

Hello NFVSA.

 

Well... as others have said... a man, whatever the circumstances, who proposes within the first month? How can he? And how can ANY man propose to a woman when he is already married?

 

Now, all this about 'two kinds of married'... well... fair enough... but then why all the worry about Divorce? Surely he can't have it both ways. Either he is married, fully, properly, and without an easy exit... or there is no worry about the whys and wherefores about the reasons for his divorce.

 

So... he is giving you this story on the one hand 'I'm not really married', and another story on the other hand 'I am worried about the grounds for divorce'... which is it?

 

Meantime... YOU giving him presents..? Joint account? All sounds like he has some good things going on with you... sex, money... and the promise that it can all continue into next year with no questions asked.

 

I think that yes, you are being naive...

[Omnium]

hey! You are right, lobola is when the two families plan a union. The union becomes traditionally confirmed by both parties. Currently is South Africa lobola is legal whether you officiate it at the Home Affairs department or not, you are married.

 

I am very deppressed about this situation because this guy seems very sincere. I guess im not really ready to let go, im eager to find out what will happen in the new year. What if im letting go of my life partner? It's a catch 22 situation

[Omnium]

hey! You are right, lobola is when the two families plan a union. The union becomes traditionally confirmed by both parties. Currently is South Africa lobola is legal whether you officiate it at the Home Affairs department or not, you are married.

 

I am very deppressed about this situation because this guy seems very sincere. I guess im not really ready to let go, im eager to find out what will happen in the new year. What if im letting go of my life partner? It's a catch 22 situation. Thanks for your inputs, they are a valued.

[Omnium]

hey! You are right, lobola is when the two families plan a union. The union becomes traditionally confirmed by both parties. Currently is South Africa lobola is legal whether you officiate it at the Home Affairs department or not, you are married.

 

I am very deppressed about this situation because this guy seems very sincere. I guess im not really ready to let go, im eager to find out what will happen in the new year. What if im letting go of my life partner? It's a catch 22 situation

[Sami_D]

You say that his W finding out about you 'messed up his plans to leave'. In what way? How is it going to be different next year? If he marries you... she will KNOW what was going on all the time!

 

How do you know you're not letting go of your perfect life partner..? Because he's asking you to wait for him while he tries to make his current wife believe you are a piece of NOTHING. What kind of man is that?

 

I say again... no man with half a brain can ask a woman to marry him

 

a) within a month of knowing her!!

b) while he's still married!!

 

And please... don't give him money! Guard yourself.

[Omnium]

I think he is very selfish because he doesnt wanna be seen as a bad person thats why he doesnt want the grounds of his divorce to be infidelity. But you know what? You are right! He is making his wife believe that i'm apiece of nothing. Thanks about the money issue,i thought that we were saving in order to have some capital when we start our life together. I guess i'm wrong once more. This morning i read all the responses and i realised that i'm a better person and i don't need to go throughall this mess. Esp when he is enjoying his life on the other side of town with his wife. I then sent him an e-mail to let him know that it is over and his response was:

 

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=2][FONT=Arial]"How are you my sweetie.[/FONT][/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=2][FONT=Arial] [/FONT][/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=2][FONT=Arial]Yes, absence makes your heart grow fonder…….and I was not being manipulative when I said that, Its just how it is! I love you though…because you keep me on my toes…just like I said the other day. Cheers Sweetie".[/FONT][/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=2][FONT=Arial][/FONT][/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=2][FONT=Arial]Isnt this pathetic? He doesnt sound frustrated about this, he's infact very calm.[/FONT][/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=2][FONT=Arial][/FONT][/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=2][FONT=Arial]Cheers[/FONT][/sIZE][/FONT]

[Sami_D]

So are you really going to end it with him?

[movinon05]

I think he is very selfish because he doesnt wanna be seen as a bad person thats why he doesnt want the grounds of his divorce to be infidelity. But you know what? You are right! He is making his wife believe that i'm apiece of nothing. Thanks about the money issue,i thought that we were saving in order to have some capital when we start our life together. I guess i'm wrong once more. This morning i read all the responses and i realised that i'm a better person and i don't need to go throughall this mess. Esp when he is enjoying his life on the other side of town with his wife. I then sent him an e-mail to let him know that it is over and his response was:

 

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=2][FONT=Arial]"How are you my sweetie.[/FONT][/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=2][FONT=Arial] [/FONT][/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=2][FONT=Arial]Yes, absence makes your heart grow fonder…….and I was not being manipulative when I said that, Its just how it is! I love you though…because you keep me on my toes…just like I said the other day. Cheers Sweetie".[/FONT][/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=2][FONT=Arial][/FONT][/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=2][FONT=Arial]Isnt this pathetic? He doesnt sound frustrated about this, he's infact very calm.[/FONT][/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=2][FONT=Arial][/FONT][/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=2][FONT=Arial]Cheers[/FONT][/sIZE][/FONT]

 

You obviously did not make it clear that it is over. It sounds like you left some doors open for him, possibly proclaimed your love for him, possibly told him how you don't understand he could do this, yadda yadda. He has no clue at his point.

[Omnium]

My mind wants to but my heart refuses. Our feelings for each other are too strong at this point. I'm probably seeking his attention and thats why i'm attempting to throw these tantrums. You see the other thing is that this guy is a qualified Social Worker although he's not in the profession anymore. I think thats why he's able to play mind games with me and get away with it.

[Sami_D]

He's playing mind games with you... OR his feelings for you are strong..?

 

I feel, you know, that the first of these is correct.

 

YOU are the one with the feelings.

[lovernotafighter]

Just when I think I've heard it all..my goodness Omnium I so sorry to hear this..this is going to be a seriously messy situation..I'm glad you found LS..I believe we OW can help..I know this place has helped me.

 

best of luck