bootlegga Posted April 21, 2006 Posted April 21, 2006 I'm going to ask you all for some relationsip advice. On Easter Sunday, my girlfriend of almost 3 years told me she didn't truly love me any longer and wanted to break up. Now, I still love her very much, despite the fact that she said she doesn't feel 'the passion' in her heart for me anymore. Of course, the dreaded 'let's be friends' line came out. Option 1 -- We stay friends Her thoughts are we'll play tennis, go for walks/bike rides, maybe see movies together, maybe even go camping. The advantage is that she may fall back in love with me if we see a fair bit of each other. She may find what she says she lost in the past few months. The disadvantage is that she may get the milk for free, so to speak. I mean that she will get all the positives of being my boyfriend without any relationship pressures. This may make it even harder to get back together... Option 2 -- We really break-up The advantage here is that is she doesn't see or hear from me at all for a month or two, she might find herself truly missing me and want to get back together. The disadvantage is that she already had 'space' and might not miss me at all, making this far more final than I wish. Another thing is that her son really looks up to me and we have a great time together. Which path do you think I should follow and why?
Carlthecoffeeaddict Posted April 21, 2006 Posted April 21, 2006 What do you think her options are? what do you think she is thinking in her head? Usually girls break Do you think she is as optimistic as you are about getting back together? the fact is that she broke it off, and the only option is to move on and get your life together. Definitely do the No contact rule, because after 3 years you are going to be hurting for a while.....so in being good to yourself I would definitely not entertain the idea of being friends because you are only going to set yourself up for pain. Surround yourself with friends and keep yourself busy as much as you can. If you do coorespond to her, act "as if" it never happened. Im really sorry for your loss--but if you are good to yourself, treat yourself with the respect you deserve and use the NC rule. Trust me she will be wondering about you after you do NC for 3 weeks or so. It works everytime. Carl
Yamaha Posted April 21, 2006 Posted April 21, 2006 I opt for position 2. Why? because this is about what you want, not her. She decided to break up so she must show you that she wants to get back together, in my opinion. Do not be her crutch while she relieves her guilt. It is hard but you must be away from each other to really see what you both want and by then you might decide to look elsewhere.
Apathetic Posted April 21, 2006 Posted April 21, 2006 Take it from someone who is currently in a similiar situation..Choose option TWO..After breaking,being 'just friends' will not work especially if there are still strong feelings on one side,which is yours..Most likely youll be waiting around & hoping she will change her mind & get back together w/ you.It will be beyond painful to just be friends right now as the breakup just happened. Im in a situation where my ex & I are "friends" but still do bf & gf things,took me to the movies,going to a car show in 2 days together,holding hands,cuddling,taking to eachother everyday & just last night hung out & fooled around.He is kind of having his cake & eating it too & I assume that will be your situation as well if you decide to remain friends..so I suggest you break all contact,for now.
MadDog Posted April 21, 2006 Posted April 21, 2006 You forgot option 3, your most logical option: forget about her and find a different girl. Option 1 is by far the worst and least realistic option though.
1Gravity Posted April 21, 2006 Posted April 21, 2006 Option 2 works best for you. Sometimes, if you act like you are moving on, even if you aren't, you become incredibly attractive.
saiga Posted April 21, 2006 Posted April 21, 2006 My long time girlfriend and best friend of two years exchanged our belongings on Easter; so I know how you feel. We were both in college together and now that it is over; she decided she needed "time to grow up". Concerning your issue. You have highlighted some very important points on both options. I would consider the following; however, ultimately you should consider what you want, and what you can deal with. Option C 1) First, I would say that being friends right now is not going to win her back. I would suggest giving her space and letting her see what it is like without you. This does not mean, you cannot talk to her if she calls you, IM's you, writes you, etc. Don't be the one making the effort though. Be nice, and keep things short and sweet. She might come flying back to you because of this, but beware; she may also decide again that it isn't what she wants (yes that’s what happened to me). In the end, even if you don't get back together, she will remember how you acted. 2) Being friends after being intimate is an extremely hard thing to do. Usually it is used as a coping mechanism, allowing the individual to slowly detach and reaffirm decisions. Being friends generally just means an individual can have their cake and eat it too. They have the best of both worlds, the freedom of not being tied down; yet your still there if they need you. Some people can deal with this; I am not one of those people. Just ask yourself one question....How much of a friend can they really be? 3) Concerning breaking up for good. Depending on how you feel, keep a back door open. Don't burn the bridge, but don't sit and wait either. Go out, date others (if you feel it is the right time that is) and get involved in activities. Basically, don't sit on the fence and wait; but if you really still want to be together (perhaps later down the road) don't burn the bridge. Additionally, in my opinion casual sex isn't the right route, but each person has to make that decision. What I do know is I sure as hell wouldn't want to be with someone who takes sex lightly. 4) Passion is a constant renewal process. I have never been in or witnessed a relationship where passion burned bright all the time. For many people (especially young people) passion is confused with the feelings of a blooming relationship. That's their benchmark (their measure) of what passion is. In every relationship passion goes up and down. In my opinion it is the connection you share with that individual which will allow passion to be rebuilt. Extreme differences in what both of you want (sometimes these become more evident over time) will cripple an individual’s ability to regain passion. Just remember it’s about loving for better or worse; if that isn't the mindset of both individuals it won't work in the long run. 5) Basically what I am suggesting is to refrain from setting things in stone. Go on with your life but leave the back door open (if you feel that’s right for you). Overtime, you two will either grow together or grow apart. Time will make the choice for you. Don't dwell on it, and deal with it should the situation arise where getting back together is an option. You can't make someone love ya, or act like a best friend should. For some, this is a lot like sitting on the fence waiting. For me it’s making the decision we won't be together and if the right things happen; getting back together could be an option. This is about the best guide I have ever read on second chances, if thats the route you want to entertain click here. Good luck, enjoy your time, and remember its a huge pond. Saiga.
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