normajean Posted April 20, 2006 Posted April 20, 2006 I need help understanding what is going on here. I have been with my boyfriend for two years. He is very loving and affectionate. He‘s patient and accepts me the way I am. I love him very much and I know he loves me too. The problem is that I don‘t trust him and would like to hear someone else‘s opinion on what‘s going on. He doesn‘t go out often and I can always reach him when he‘s not with me. He seems very respectful and I always trusted him until recently. He has a couple of female friends that I knew about and didn‘t really think anything of it. Then one day I saw text messages he left to one of them that were totally inappropriate and sexual and seemed out of character for him. He told me it was only a joke and nothing worse than he‘d say to any of his friends. I was extremely hurt and angry and saw it as a betrayl. He says he isn‘t attracted to her and they had a couple of conversations that I might have a problem with but it wasn‘t worth hurting me. That‘s when I started asking questions and later discovered what I already knew that most of the answers he gave were complete lies-he said he couldn‘t remember the last time he talked to her on the phone and it had been that day that he had talked to her. He lied about seeing her etc. He promised to stop talking to her because it upset me but didn‘t for three weeks and all the time lied to me even when I showed him that her number was on his calls list. During that time he was still getting messages from her saying "gonna come see me today" but apparently he claims he never sees her. As far as I know he has stopped talking to her though she did call twice and he never told me about it. As this is going on, he becomes friends with a girl he works with. This time he never mentions her to me but calls her almost everyday sometimes two or three times. He hides this for months but I know he‘s still lying because he has started turning off his ringer and keeping his phone by his side which he has never done before so I read his phone bill and it‘s only when I tell me I saw his bill that he admitted to it. He lied up until the very end. For months I had been asking him if he had any friends I didn‘t know about and he said no even though this girl was talking to him daily. He also says he met her two times after work to help her with her car but I didn‘t know. So now I see that all along he has been downplaying the extent of his relationships with girls. Never mentions when he stops by to see one or talk to them. And there are two other female friends who don‘t know he has a girlfriend or a baby with me. He now claims he has told me about all of his friends but there was one other girl whose number came up a few times, once at 2am but I haven‘t even asked him about that because I don‘t want more bs from him. And one night when he was back in his home town over night, he was making cell calls to atleast two of these girls the last at 2am yet he never called me and his cell phone doesn‘t work at his parents house so he must have been out but never told me he went anywhere. He always tries to explain away the situations and at times "blames" what he does on the girl. Since I found out about his latest friend he isn‘t hiding his phone and leaves it behind if he runs to the store to prove he‘s not going leaving to make a call. Still, there‘s a lot of time when I am not around and I can‘t trust him. It seems so incredibly wrong and it has hurt me so much I can‘t stand it. He says he wouldn‘t tell me things or lie because he was afraid I would get the wrong idea but I was never jealous before this. He could go away for the weekend and I never questioned him or checked up on him. I just really want to know what other guys would think of a guy who behaves like this when he swears he loves me with all of his heart and does many good things for me. How can he be like this? why? thank you if you can give me any help or insight into what is going on although I think I already know and just need to hear from others. Despite how it looks I do not think he is cheating but I don‘t know. I hate who I have become and how I feel now because of this. He has promised to do all the things I‘ve asked to fix this and has done some but I‘m not sure about others and I‘m tired of always asking questions when he should be trying to prove it to me. Please let me know if you have any input. Thanks
Jessie61 Posted April 21, 2006 Posted April 21, 2006 Normajean, I really feel for you in your situation. It seems like you're between a rock and a hard place? If you do nothing, your BF might think that you accept what he is doing, he'll respect you less for it, and he'll keep doing whatever it is that he is doing. If you "spy" and create havoc, then he could say that he feels trapped, that YOU are impossible to live with and a warfare situation might develop, and in the end it might still not stop him from what he is doing! I don't know what your BF is doing. The level of betrayal could be quite minimal in the sense that he is a "bit of a flirt" who has a few friendships with women but would never do anything REAL to hurt you? (if there is such a thing?). OR, at the other end of the scale, he could be having relationships with all kinds of women behind your back. I don't know where the truth lies, and you might not either. What I think you should ask yourself is do you want to live like this? You say you hate who you have become, and I totally understand; it is demoralising to feel that you actually have to spy on your BF to find out what is going on? Ask yourself, will this situation go on and on? If you feel that you DON'T want to live like this, figure out what you can do about it? Will your BF help you out? If he won't, then what will you do? Sorry, for not having any answers. But I think you need to ask yourself some difficult questions to help yourself get out of this situation. You can always come back here to get some feed back? All the best!
SoleMate Posted April 21, 2006 Posted April 21, 2006 Since I found out about his latest friend he isn‘t hiding his phone and leaves it behind if he runs to the store to prove he‘s not going leaving to make a call. Call me suspicious...to me, this means he has another phone that he uses a phone card with. How often does he go to the store? He says he wouldn‘t tell me things or lie because he was afraid I would get the wrong idea but I was never jealous before this. Actually, it's clear he was afraid you would get the right idea. Despite how it looks I do not think he is cheating but I don‘t know. He is absolutely cheating, in the sense of breaking his promise (?) of being faithful and honest to you. I hope you did have that understanding and agreement at one time. And he is probably also cheating physically. He could go away for the weekend [and I would accept it]... The first time he tried to do this...for anything other than an occasional "boys only" event...was time to recognize the danger to your relationship. [How can he swear he loves me with all of his heart and do many good things for me, and yet have intimate relationships with other women and lie about it?] I can't quite explain it, but just be aware he has LOTS of company and this behavior is quite common. Rather than trying to understand the incomprehensible, I would focus on accepting the obvious reality of his behavior and start making your plans in acknowledgment of the facts. Basically, your choices are: 1) live with it 2) decide to fight for the faithful relationship you want 3) leave him As you've learned, choice #1 takes an awful toll on you. It can turn a charming, loving, confident person into a shuddering, cynical and bitter wreck. It just takes a while... How old is your baby, and can you support yourself and the baby without him, if things go that way? (You'll get child support of course.) I'm not saying it's hopless yet, but I do think you should take back some control by preparing yourself emotionally and financially for any possible outcome. Hugs to you, please keep posting.
Author normajean Posted April 21, 2006 Author Posted April 21, 2006 He actually only went away for the weekend twice in two years. He doesn't go to the store often he went once this week for under ten minutes and probably hadn't done it in a while before that. I really can't see him buying a phone or a card and I don't know where he'd hide it but it's possible. I run to the store way more often than he. But he now leaves his phone on the counter when he goes outside to smoke, where I can see him and he can't really hide anything but I guess his point is that he's not trying to hide the phone from me. I don't know. My main problem is that he was pretty open with me before I found the text and the text was a huge mistake and I think he gets that. I'm just not sure.
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