Author eyeswideshut Posted April 23, 2006 Author Posted April 23, 2006 How do I feel about him? oh God. sometimes i wonder about the psychology of all of it. when i first went for coffee for him before all this, he was like "the perfect man for me". it was all like, too bad he is married, but it gave me hope because I was able to appreciate someone who was all that I was ever looking for. As I said, I walked away from my fiance after 8 years. and i had accepted the fact that maybe i was made to be single, and not until i met someone who accepted all i was about was i willing to invest in a relationship again. then i met him, and the more i got to know him, the more i realized he fit exactly that mould. i wasn't even afraid of marriage or children with him. and that was a major thing for my own self-realization, to be able to even want that because i was a bit turned off by the whole institution, i never thought people should "own" one another. with him, i felt so free. like i could give myself completely, and still wouldn't lose myself. the fact that we are able to be brutally honest with one another, and the fact that he was able to talk to me about his wife and me about my fiance without jealousy and constraint, felt liberating, it made me so happy that i could love someone fully and completely without feeling jealous or terrified. it was as though i found someone i was able to allow in my personal space, and that felt good. it was like having the best friend in the universe and a lover all into one, and i never thought that was possible. Now. How will i walk away. Well, I have faith in life. But the reason maybe it doesn't seem as though i am "in love" is because i already feel like a whole person. I don't feel as though if i lose him I will break. But i am in love. I am in love with the idea that i will not ever have to lose myself again in a relationship with him. When he is with me, i don't feel as though i have to protect myself or be defensive. I love him soo much, i am able to "want what is best for him" no matter what that is. we only had 8 months together, so if i walk away now, i will only keep the best memories, and it won't be painful because i have faith that my life will follow its own plan. and that i will be happy and successful in love. When he told me all those things yesterday, i came away from that experience knowing that he has a lot to go through with and a lot to deal with in terms of issues and obstacles to surpass. I believe if he does, good for us, but if he doesn't it will be sad i guess for him, because he won't feel fulfilled as a human being has a right to feel in this lifetime. i am fulfilled because i know he loves me. and the situation is the pits, but i will give him his personal space for his own development as a person. he wanted my advice yesterday. (he looks up to me because i was able to leave someone without looking back) but i didn't feel it was my responsibility to give advice. he has to find out for himself, and better for me if he does in this lifetime. I have to let you all in on one little detail. I want to know what you all think. I went to a psychic a year and a half ago, and she described a man who was exactly made for me. (I had left my fiance who was a millionaire business man, workaholic, because i was having an affair with a starving artist.) at the time I couldnt choose between the two. She said: in 12-16 months, the man you will be with, is the man of your life. He is a mix of both, creative, but with a business mind. (He is a script-writer/chef and makes a lot of money because he is business-minded) She said he was right under my nose, and went into detail saying he owned a blue scooter. Well, I couldn't think of a guy right under my nose who had that. Until I reacquainted with him. And he had the blue scooter. and we had all these coincidences about our interests and very specific things I was looking for in a man. Then I went to another psychic because i didn't buy into the first one, and she said: you have a soul mate, and he is a mix of different races. (he has 9 different nationalities in his family) When he told me he was leaving his wife, I went to see another psychic, and she said: a man just left you a month ago to go back to his wife. But he has to resolve all his family issues, and he will come back to you because he loves you. he will divorce before december. Then she said: you will marry a man who was already married. I love psychics. I don't believe in it 100% , but I still found all these facts pretty exciting. Anyhow. I'll let you know if he does divorce before december. but i was ready to walk away a month ago until she told me this. He could have chosen to not come back and tell me all these things, but he told me all these things. Now all I have to do is step back, move on, and live life fully. I feel as though I have the strength to do it now, because of what the psychics predicted. The first one had said I will marry a man whom I was married to in three past lives. i wonder about this, but I was so comfortable with him from the beginning, able to let him in my personal space without flinching. (i am very anal, and can't even believe how comfortable I am when he is in my appartment, it doesn't bother me a bit. Anyway. Maybe I just am rosy because I slept with him and am deluded in the afterglow, but i'll keep you posted on how my week goes.
movinon05 Posted April 23, 2006 Posted April 23, 2006 How do I feel about him? oh God. sometimes i wonder about the psychology of all of it. when i first went for coffee for him before all this, he was like "the perfect man for me". it was all like, too bad he is married, but it gave me hope because I was able to appreciate someone who was all that I was ever looking for. As I said, I walked away from my fiance after 8 years. and i had accepted the fact that maybe i was made to be single, and not until i met someone who accepted all i was about was i willing to invest in a relationship again. then i met him, and the more i got to know him, the more i realized he fit exactly that mould. i wasn't even afraid of marriage or children with him. and that was a major thing for my own self-realization, to be able to even want that because i was a bit turned off by the whole institution, i never thought people should "own" one another. with him, i felt so free. like i could give myself completely, and still wouldn't lose myself. the fact that we are able to be brutally honest with one another, and the fact that he was able to talk to me about his wife and me about my fiance without jealousy and constraint, felt liberating, it made me so happy that i could love someone fully and completely without feeling jealous or terrified. it was as though i found someone i was able to allow in my personal space, and that felt good. it was like having the best friend in the universe and a lover all into one, and i never thought that was possible. Now. How will i walk away. Well, I have faith in life. But the reason maybe it doesn't seem as though i am "in love" is because i already feel like a whole person. I don't feel as though if i lose him I will break. But i am in love. I am in love with the idea that i will not ever have to lose myself again in a relationship with him. When he is with me, i don't feel as though i have to protect myself or be defensive. I love him soo much, i am able to "want what is best for him" no matter what that is. we only had 8 months together, so if i walk away now, i will only keep the best memories, and it won't be painful because i have faith that my life will follow its own plan. and that i will be happy and successful in love. When he told me all those things yesterday, i came away from that experience knowing that he has a lot to go through with and a lot to deal with in terms of issues and obstacles to surpass. I believe if he does, good for us, but if he doesn't it will be sad i guess for him, because he won't feel fulfilled as a human being has a right to feel in this lifetime. i am fulfilled because i know he loves me. and the situation is the pits, but i will give him his personal space for his own development as a person. he wanted my advice yesterday. (he looks up to me because i was able to leave someone without looking back) but i didn't feel it was my responsibility to give advice. he has to find out for himself, and better for me if he does in this lifetime. I have to let you all in on one little detail. I want to know what you all think. I went to a psychic a year and a half ago, and she described a man who was exactly made for me. (I had left my fiance who was a millionaire business man, workaholic, because i was having an affair with a starving artist.) at the time I couldnt choose between the two. She said: in 12-16 months, the man you will be with, is the man of your life. He is a mix of both, creative, but with a business mind. (He is a script-writer/chef and makes a lot of money because he is business-minded) She said he was right under my nose, and went into detail saying he owned a blue scooter. Well, I couldn't think of a guy right under my nose who had that. Until I reacquainted with him. And he had the blue scooter. and we had all these coincidences about our interests and very specific things I was looking for in a man. Then I went to another psychic because i didn't buy into the first one, and she said: you have a soul mate, and he is a mix of different races. (he has 9 different nationalities in his family) When he told me he was leaving his wife, I went to see another psychic, and she said: a man just left you a month ago to go back to his wife. But he has to resolve all his family issues, and he will come back to you because he loves you. he will divorce before december. Then she said: you will marry a man who was already married. I love psychics. I don't believe in it 100% , but I still found all these facts pretty exciting. Anyhow. I'll let you know if he does divorce before december. but i was ready to walk away a month ago until she told me this. He could have chosen to not come back and tell me all these things, but he told me all these things. Now all I have to do is step back, move on, and live life fully. I feel as though I have the strength to do it now, because of what the psychics predicted. The first one had said I will marry a man whom I was married to in three past lives. i wonder about this, but I was so comfortable with him from the beginning, able to let him in my personal space without flinching. (i am very anal, and can't even believe how comfortable I am when he is in my appartment, it doesn't bother me a bit. Anyway. Maybe I just am rosy because I slept with him and am deluded in the afterglow, but i'll keep you posted on how my week goes. Well, we have two things in common! Two years before my marriage (I'm talking about 24 yrs ago) while at a casino, a guy came up to me and my friends and read our "hands". We said, sure, what the heck. Didn't even ask for money, but we bought him a drink. I won't go into details, but every single thing he told me happened, right down to the tiny details that no one could ever have known. I've heard of other people's specific experiences too, so I know something is going on out there! Perhaps I should go to a psychic to see what the heck is going to happen in my life. Its good that you know who you are and you like yourself. I finally do as well, even though it took 7 yrs of an A to figure it out and to also go through some unfulfilling STR. My BF of 6 months now treats me just wonderfully and exactly as I want to be treated. I have learned what it takes to make me happy (which really isn't all that much), and he does that, but he also allows me to be who I am without putting me on a pedestal (which is what all the other guys did). Personally, I am not happy on a pedestal. I think its unrealistic to treat someone that way. You obviously care enough about this guy to want him to be happy. And that's what my situation is like now too. We're allowing our relationship to grow and see where it goes. I have learned for once in my life to be patient and know that if its meant to be it will be. But you're still in a sticky situation. I wish you both the best, however it turns out.
Author eyeswideshut Posted April 24, 2006 Author Posted April 24, 2006 I made the firm decision (once again) to just move on... He told me that he was in love with me but I am more rational than emotional, and here's what I think. He never said he'd leave her. He is in love with me but is trying hard to work things out with her. Although I would like to delude myself that some men have enough backbone to withstand the pain of divorce and all the disappointment it ensues in order to be with the love of one's life, sorry, but, some men are not like that. Especially good boys with good values. Yes, I am moving on knowing that i did love in this lifetime and was loved. but I am looking for a lifetime companion who is not afraid to bring me out into the open. Someone who wants my children and who is strong enough to make decisions about having them. ultimately? I think he will come back. but not with the signed divorce papers. he is obsessed by me, but sometimes even when a man is ruled by his cock and can act like a total baby and seek us motherly patient women to ease their "oh so weak selves", it doesn't push him to act. So, as much as I love him as a friend, I've done my deed. He knows I love him, he knows I want what's best for him, but i am not his therapist. my ex-fiance moved mountains to gain one minute of my attention. Although i respect him, i wasn't in love with him, and told him to move on. We still talk and i still love him as a person. But no way in hell will I accept crumbs from a stranger, when I know damn well what a man is capable of in the name of love. No man who is truly in love from deep down inside his gut can let a woman go without a fight. my ex was a very traditional man, with a strong Italian heritage. I am a modern woman, and he was willing to go defy his own beliefs, his own mamma, everything which was firmly implanted in his blood to follow my desired and wherever I wanted to go on this earth. he was going to cook, clean, move in with me before marriage, move far away from his family home, have a non-traditional wedding, i.e. everything he was raised not to do, just to please me and be with me. I refused because I wanted him to be himself, not go against his grain. (i forsaw a bunch of problems with all this being so hard on him) anyway, all this to say, when a man loves a woman, he will do what he has to do to keep her, he will not keep her dangling on a string. Divorce is no longer taboo today, I don't care how attached he is to the value of mariage. If MM doesn't follow me, too bad, and he will deal with his issues with whoever is around to take it. i don't deserve an iffy man. I deserve a real man. And a real man doesn't take years to decide something he is passionate about. heard about the Italian man who threw his wife out the window because she interrupted his soccer match on tv? Yes. Lots of testosterone and action when a man knows what is important to him. Good luck to all of you. We have to stop being so nurturing and nice. We are here to live our mission in life and our mission is not to wait around. Life is too short, we can die any minute.
Author eyeswideshut Posted April 25, 2006 Author Posted April 25, 2006 Day two of NC. Not bad. Doesnt' feel as though he knows yet. Of course, how would he. He sent me about 5 songs through email. no message, just 5 songs. (do I need to pay attention to the words?) just wondering, in general. I feel as though I've been uhh.. duped. because in the beginning, we were all just two really happy-go-lucky people getting out of relationships, and we weren't even at the point yet where we were bf/gf, when his brother died and all the commotion about the grief and putting off the divorce, and then miraculously going back to her started. So, I wasn't even really having an affair with a married man. I was sort of reacquainting with childhood friend at a time where we both were like: woah, are we ever lucky we have one another to talk to in times like these. the day his brother died was the day my fiance walked back in the picture begging for me and I was grieving my love for him as well. We weren't like: a couple. We were extremely good friends. Plus sex. But a month ago, when he said he was going back, it was like: whatever, go back, we didn't even have anything yet, it was really at the beginning beginning. I believe it was when we had sex for the first time since he took his decision to go back to his mariage (almost two months ago) that the OW/MM relationship began. SO basically, if I walk out now, good for me. I was just wondering. When did it begin for all of you, and since I can relate to the ambivalence of knowing it's wrong but yet, still getting involved, when did you realize: oh s***. I am the OW. I doubt it's a conscious choice to say: oh, look at that. A MM! Let me see if I can flirt with him. See, I was tricked. He thought himself it was over. He just couldn't deal with feeling responsible for her pain at the same time as bearing the grief of his brother I guess. Had he told me in the beginning: we are married and having problems, I would have totally not acted the same way towards him. Were you also tricked? Is it a trick? Do men need ego boosts when they are married and therefore see how far they can go? Also, what crazy behavior did you adopt since the "affair" started and would regret in terms of time wasters? My top five 1) spending more time on the internet than on reading actual books (used to be such a book worm) 2) bikini waxes and pedicures constantly 3) going for long walks in places he mentions he's been too (when I know he's not there) just to see what the place looks like. 4) constantly going over scenarios in my head (some fantasy, some reality) on how I will face this or make it better. (will i remain a friend, will i stop cold turkey, will i say this or that and in what tone next time) 5) observing women i admire and guessing what their secret was to snag a non-ambivalent person, wondering if it was because I was so ambivalent in my own feelings of what I was looking for (marriage or not, stability or independance) that I attracted a person who is just as ambivalent as me. Jessie, somehow, I still have hope for you. I don't know why. I just feel as though it might work out. Do you mind me asking your age his age? I'm 34 he's 31.
Jessie61 Posted April 25, 2006 Posted April 25, 2006 Jessie, somehow, I still have hope for you. I don't know why. I just feel as though it might work out. Do you mind me asking your age his age? I'm 34 he's 31. He is 41 and I am 37. Unfortunately (?), I have hopes too!!!! I had to laugh when I read your Top 5... It is hilarious! I know about the bikini waxing too..... OUCH!!!! On a serious note, you are doing the right thing. Stay focused. Stay determined. Distract yourself. Spoil yourself. And check in to let us know how you are doing, OK?
movinon05 Posted April 25, 2006 Posted April 25, 2006 eyeswideshut I have total faith you are going to make it through this one. The real test will be when he appears again for a Sat. night booty call. I have no doubt he will just show up again. But I know you can handle it.
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