Teag Posted April 20, 2006 Posted April 20, 2006 Hi, My H has been back home since Monday and things have been going pretty good so far. We've been getting along great but he still hasn't slowed down much on his drinking like he said he would. He's slowed down alittle but not much which just makes me think things aren't going to change for long. We went out to eat last night & talked alittle. And I just get the feeling we won't be together too much longer. He oringinally agreed to go to rehab or something for his drinking but I don't think he's going to. He thinks our marriage counseler is against him just like everyone else. & that he's not sure if he's ready to give up his partying. Before we had a problem w/ him staying gone all the time & not coming home til 8-9 at night no matter what time he got off work. He said he was willing to be home when I got home during the weeks if he got off. (sometimes he really doesn't get off til late, but not normally) but he wanted to be able to go to his best friends & party on friday night, which means he would be staying the night over there. I said every once in a while thats ok but not every week, you don't think thats too much?? He said no its only 4 days a month. He's like I can't help you don't go anywhere & I'd love for you to come too just get a babysitter. Um I'm sorry but I can't get a babysitter very often. & i told him that other than our daughter his best friend is the most important person in his life, he said yeah he is. I was like thanks thats makes me feel great that he's more important that I am, he said no I didn't mean it like that, you are more important but if it came down to if you made me choose him over you I would be packing my bags not b/c he's more important but for the fact that you shouldn't make me choose betwenn you & my best frined considering he's really the only friend that I hang out with & the only friend that matters. I asked him if when I caught him if that was the first time SHE had ever been over to his best friends, he said yeah he swore. & I asked if he ever tounch her boobs even if it was outside her shirt, he said no & then he said you keep asking me these questions & the answers never change, would you get up & walk away if I told you I did? I said I don't know he said well why does it matter? Its a part of my life that I just want to forget about. But that statement makes me think he did touch her boobs which may sound alittle petty but it really bothers me. & I also told him it really bothered me that e was completely sober when he was with her & he said why would that matter, & it matters to me b/c when he's drunk he just doesn't care & he's normally pretty whatever when he's sober. He said well we've been fighting for a really long time what did you expect. WHAT DID I EXPECT?????? WHAT THE F*** KIND OF QUESTION IS THAT??? I expected you NOT to cheat on me, if you wanted to be with someone else you need to LEAVE ME. He said I don't want to leave you, I love you & thats not an excuse b/c what I did was wrong & I really just want to forget about it. We didn't get to talk too much more b/c our daughter started acting up so we had to leave. On the way home he said something I forget & I said I don't trust his best frineds girlfriend either. (she likes to mess with married men) & he said even if I was single & had a list of people I wanted to sleep with she wouldn't be on the list & he made the comment about I never trusted him before, I said I've always trusted you when girls are concerned. He was like yeah thats why you would give every female I worked with evil looks ect. I said yeah b/c they liked to flirt with you & you expect me not to get upset? He was like well if you trusted ME then it wouldn't bother you b/c you would know even if they did flirt I wuldn't do anything. & we went on to talking alittle more on the ride home but he said I'm really glad you gave me a second chance & took me back but I would have acted the same as you did if I caught you cheating but I don't know if I could take you back. I was like well that should tell you something. then we got home & pretty much dropped the subject & we put our daughter to bed & everything was fine after that. I don't know, That conversation upset me so bad & I thought we were on the raod to recovery but now I have huge doubts. I don't know what to do. Sorry this is so long but I'm just so sad right now.
blind_otter Posted April 20, 2006 Posted April 20, 2006 I'm sorry you're feeling so bad. Have you considered going to alanon?
Author Teag Posted April 20, 2006 Author Posted April 20, 2006 I'm sorry you're feeling so bad. Have you considered going to alanon? No, I've heard of it but never thought about it, I'm just always so busy with my daughter unless its while she's in daycare & I have paid days off at work I don't have much time for other things. I've started going to marriage counseling, we had our 1st appt. last friday & my H thinks its pretty much a waste of time & money, I'm going back w/out him tomorrow, I just don't know what to do anymore, I feel like he doesn't care about anything & i thought we were on the road to recovery. But everything was fine after we put our daughter to bed he acted like his old happy self.
blind_otter Posted April 20, 2006 Posted April 20, 2006 No, I've heard of it but never thought about it, I'm just always so busy with my daughter unless its while she's in daycare & I have paid days off at work I don't have much time for other things. I've started going to marriage counseling, we had our 1st appt. last friday & my H thinks its pretty much a waste of time & money, I'm going back w/out him tomorrow, I just don't know what to do anymore, I feel like he doesn't care about anything & i thought we were on the road to recovery. But everything was fine after we put our daughter to bed he acted like his old happy self. Alcoholics are avoidant by nature. When confronted with a problem they want to just forget about it. They really want to forget everything, that's the whole point of the slow process of brain damage that happens with excessive alcohol. It might be something to think about, at least one time. I am sober now for almost 5 months. I started going to AA in January of this year when I felt like I had hit the lowest point of my life, and the very first meeting felt like I could breathe for the first time. All these things I had confused in my head, other people had gone through the same thing. They helped me see what I could do for myself. Anyways, enough about me. I think it would help to be able to talk to others who have gone through similar situations, with alcoholic spouses, and teh consequences of that behavior. I do hope that things work out in the most favorable and healthiest way, for both you and your daughter. Remember that she sees her future in her father. However he behaves, around her and to her, will affect the life that she choses to live for herself, on some level.
zarathustra Posted April 20, 2006 Posted April 20, 2006 Teag, it takes two to work on a marriage. If you put in all the effort, make all the sacrifices, then I think in the end, you may become bitter about the whole thing. I'm sorry to say this, but your H sounds really immature and doesn't know how to prioritize the important things in his life. I don't think that asking him to stay home is asking him to choose between you and his friend. He's twisting what you are saying to suit his needs. If I had a child in a situation similar to yours and think about whether I want that kind of influence around him or her. I probably wouldn't, but that's just me. Its good that you are continuing with the counselling session even if he isn't. Maybe you can find out something about yourself and figure out why you are still in this relationship?
Walking away Posted April 20, 2006 Posted April 20, 2006 Teag, Please read: "Love Must Be Tough" by Dr. James Dobson I think you will find it invaluable in your situation. All of my best to you. WA
Author Teag Posted April 20, 2006 Author Posted April 20, 2006 I also hope counseling will help me. H is worried that she is going to convince me to leave him b/c he thinks everyone is against him. I'm not completely sure why I stay with him other than I love him & really want things to work out. he's a really good person when alcohol wasn't involved in the past. He was everything I ever wanted in a man. I guess I'm hoping he'll turn back into the person I married. I'm not worried about being able to support myself, I'm already pretty much doing that now w/ both of our bills, I would probably be better off financially w/out him than I am now considering all the money he spends on alcohol & marijauna. (he doesn't smoke it around our daughter) Since he's been home everything is fine until we start talking about everything & then his true feelings come out & he doesn't understand why I feel the way I do about things. If only he could walk in my shoes for a week.
zarathustra Posted April 20, 2006 Posted April 20, 2006 I also hope counseling will help me. H is worried that she is going to convince me to leave him b/c he thinks everyone is against him. I'm not completely sure why I stay with him other than I love him & really want things to work out. he's a really good person when alcohol wasn't involved in the past. He was everything I ever wanted in a man. I guess I'm hoping he'll turn back into the person I married. I'm not worried about being able to support myself, I'm already pretty much doing that now w/ both of our bills, I would probably be better off financially w/out him than I am now considering all the money he spends on alcohol & marijauna. (he doesn't smoke it around our daughter) Since he's been home everything is fine until we start talking about everything & then his true feelings come out & he doesn't understand why I feel the way I do about things. If only he could walk in my shoes for a week. Teag, He was good when alcohol was not involved, He WAS everything that you wanted in a man. Did you notice all these things are in the past tense? Question is, as he is, is he the man you want to be with, for the rest of your life? As he is today, is he the kind of man you would want your daughter to fall in love with? He needs to understand that your counsellor would likely not advise you to do one thing or another. Likely, questions will be asked to you to help you work out your feelings. At least that is my experience with counselling.
Recommended Posts