Guest Posted April 20, 2006 Posted April 20, 2006 To make a long story short, I have been the OW for a 16 months now. We started out as friends and I didn't know he was married until I had already fallen in love with him. I have tried to end it numerous times, but each and every time he would use my love against me and I would go right back to the A. He lives in another city and commutes 1 1/2 hours to work to the city in which I live in. The past few weeks our relationship had become even more intense emotionally and physically. I knew he wasn't happy with his job and the long commute. He had actually asked for a company paid apartment here, but his request had been denied at least 2-3 times. Well, yesterday, I guess he decided on impulse he couldn't take the job anymore and resigned immediately. He called shortly thereafter and dropped the bomb that he wouldn't be here anymore! I was in shock and he said he was going through separation anxiety and felt as if he had a hole in his life. We talked for a while after he got home and neither one of us really knew what to say except that we love each other and will miss each other greatly! He said he would call me today and he did try my cell phone but I had it on silent, because I didn't want to talk to anyone. I have fibromyalgia and the shock of all this has increased my pain tenfold. I feel like crying every few minutes and I am also angry with myself, because I knew this would eventually happen one day. I am having a hard time even working today, but I am a single parent and I don't really have a choice. I knew he was never going to leave his wife, although he never told me the reason other than it would crush her, if he did leave. Typical OM excuse, but I didn't push it too hard, because I felt that someday our love would overcome his fear. She has a great job and is very stable, so that is why he could quit his job without worrying about income until he found another one. I am so angry that I allowed myself to get into this situation! It appears that he will just return to his life as it was before he met me and I will be quickly forgotten no matter how much he said cared and that we would always be together! I guess I was just a convenient opportunity for him to break the routine while working in another city. I really thought I meant more than that to him! He asked yesterday if he could still call me and I said I couldn't stop him. He said I could just avoid his calls! I guess he just wants to leave the door open, in case, he needs a shoulder to cry on when things aren't working the way they should at home. I know I have been rambling, but I am so sad and angry at the same time. I had recently been attempting to date single men, which really seemed to upset him. One of them really likes me, although I feel nothing for him right now. He wants to have a 2nd date and it's supposed to be tonight. I'm not sure if I can hold myself together enough to be able to go on this date and I'm afraid he will get the wrong impression of me. Does it get better with time and where do I go from here? I know there will posters who will say I got what I deserved and I guess I did, but why does it have to hurt so much?
Walking away Posted April 20, 2006 Posted April 20, 2006 Dear Friend, I walk in the shoes that you walk in. Read my thread about my life with my MM if you want MY story. I am with you in your time of need. Hugs to you. Walking Away
zarathustra Posted April 20, 2006 Posted April 20, 2006 Does it get better with time and where do I go from here? I know there will posters who will say I got what I deserved and I guess I did, but why does it have to hurt so much? Guest, I would wish what we are going through on anyone, not even my enemies! I am so sorry to hear your about your pain. Unfortunately, time will only do so much. You will have to be the one to do the work in order to heal from this. I think that the best thing to do right now is focus on yourself and your kid(s). Focus on your job. Focus on YOU. For me, I found that when I was ready to give up hope of ever having anything with my xMM, I was ready to move on. Yeah, I'd be lying if I said I didn't hurt anymore, but I think that it lessens as I take steps away and focus on all the lies and deception, it also lessens as time passes. Focus on taking one baby step at a time. Cry and let it out. Feel. Don't deny yourself of that.
officespace Posted April 20, 2006 Posted April 20, 2006 To make a long story short, I have been the OW for a 16 months now. We started out as friends and I didn't know he was married until I had already fallen in love with him. I have tried to end it numerous times, but each and every time he would use my love against me and I would go right back to the A. He lives in another city and commutes 1 1/2 hours to work to the city in which I live in. The past few weeks our relationship had become even more intense emotionally and physically. I knew he wasn't happy with his job and the long commute. He had actually asked for a company paid apartment here, but his request had been denied at least 2-3 times. Well, yesterday, I guess he decided on impulse he couldn't take the job anymore and resigned immediately. He called shortly thereafter and dropped the bomb that he wouldn't be here anymore! I was in shock and he said he was going through separation anxiety and felt as if he had a hole in his life. We talked for a while after he got home and neither one of us really knew what to say except that we love each other and will miss each other greatly! He said he would call me today and he did try my cell phone but I had it on silent, because I didn't want to talk to anyone. I have fibromyalgia and the shock of all this has increased my pain tenfold. I feel like crying every few minutes and I am also angry with myself, because I knew this would eventually happen one day. I am having a hard time even working today, but I am a single parent and I don't really have a choice. I knew he was never going to leave his wife, although he never told me the reason other than it would crush her, if he did leave. Typical OM excuse, but I didn't push it too hard, because I felt that someday our love would overcome his fear. She has a great job and is very stable, so that is why he could quit his job without worrying about income until he found another one. I am so angry that I allowed myself to get into this situation! It appears that he will just return to his life as it was before he met me and I will be quickly forgotten no matter how much he said cared and that we would always be together! I guess I was just a convenient opportunity for him to break the routine while working in another city. I really thought I meant more than that to him! He asked yesterday if he could still call me and I said I couldn't stop him. He said I could just avoid his calls! I guess he just wants to leave the door open, in case, he needs a shoulder to cry on when things aren't working the way they should at home. I know I have been rambling, but I am so sad and angry at the same time. I had recently been attempting to date single men, which really seemed to upset him. One of them really likes me, although I feel nothing for him right now. He wants to have a 2nd date and it's supposed to be tonight. I'm not sure if I can hold myself together enough to be able to go on this date and I'm afraid he will get the wrong impression of me. Does it get better with time and where do I go from here? I know there will posters who will say I got what I deserved and I guess I did, but why does it have to hurt so much? i don't think you got what you deserved. now, if you were a serial OW, i would say you should know by now what to expect. but this is my first and only relationship with a separated guy and i didn't know what to expect. don't be so hard on yourself. but don't repeat the same mistakes ini the future. BUT....pay close attention to the way he could so easily drop you. Remember that when he starts calling again. Obviously he didn't need you or he would have anguished over his job decisions. I'm sorry this happened to you. It really sucks. Keep posting. We're here.
Jessie61 Posted April 21, 2006 Posted April 21, 2006 I am so angry that I allowed myself to get into this situation! It appears that he will just return to his life as it was before he met me and I will be quickly forgotten no matter how much he said cared and that we would always be together! Dear Guest, From one OW to another, DON'T kick yourself. Try to focus on YOU now, be kind to yourself, get over it and learn from the experience!!! He asked yesterday if he could still call me and I said I couldn't stop him. He said I could just avoid his calls! I guess he just wants to leave the door open, in case, he needs a shoulder to cry on when things aren't working the way they should at home. Ask him NOT to contact you. You will never heal if he can still ring you when it suits HIM. Every phone call will bring the feelings back, possibly at a time when you are beginning to get over it etc. You don't have to leave him with the control of the situation. Tell him that him ringing you does not suit YOU and ask him to stay away. I had recently been attempting to date single men, which really seemed to upset him. Your MM didn't like the idea of you dating other guys??? Well, tough for him! I had to listen to the same rubbish and I am embarrased to say that I allowed myself to feel guilty about it. Date whoever you want! If you feel that you're not ready, give it some time. Do whatever YOU want to do!!!! OK?
Graydaughter Posted April 21, 2006 Posted April 21, 2006 Just wanted to thank all of you for responding to my thread. I would say i am getting better, but it's another rough day for me! MM called yesterday afternoon and i answered the phone. He just wanted to let me know he was thinking and worrying about me! He also did the standard missing and love you parts. He even said he may have to come take me to lunch next week and I asked why? He didn't really answer that one, but he seemed to be functioning just fine and said he would call me today. He has not called, but I knew he probably wouldn't because his wife travels and she returns on fridays from her trips. He acts as if this is no big deal and that we both will get over it with no problem. I really didn't have much to say and it just made me more upset after I hung up the phone. I didn't sleep well last night and I woke up around 4am crying. I can't believe that he kept telling me he didn't want to lose me and in a matter of moments it was over due to his impulsiveness. I guess as Officespace said, he really didn't need me and therefore it was easy just to walk away. He wanted to stop by my house the day he resigned to say goodbye. I didn't let him and I am glad I didn't, because it would only been another bittersweet memory to add to all of the rest. I still feel lost and I cancelled my date last night, because I didn't think I would be good company. My physical and emotional pain is making it hard to just get through the day. I have learned a very valuable lesson from all of this, but I wouldn't wish for anyone to experience this type of pain. I hope I have the strength to tell him I don't want him to come here to take me to lunch next week, if in fact he does call. Part of me just wishes he would never call again and I could just move on with my life and the other part misses and craves the sound of his voice. I need to remember that obviously I was not important to him or he would have discussed his decision or options with me! This is so hard!!!
Blind Illusion Posted April 21, 2006 Posted April 21, 2006 I guess i read your post a different way because when I was reading, the whole time I kept thinking "this is not the end..just a change" . now whether it should be the end or if its best for it to be for your own life, well, that is a different question. A lot of people like the distraction of someone else and if you fall into that category, then date and move on that way. What happens with me is that I start missing the person who I am trying to get over, even more because the new person is NOT them.
Jessie61 Posted April 22, 2006 Posted April 22, 2006 MM called yesterday afternoon and i answered the phone. He just wanted to let me know he was thinking and worrying about me! He also did the standard missing and love you parts. He even said he may have to come take me to lunch next week and I asked why? I really didn't have much to say and it just made me more upset after I hung up the phone. I didn't sleep well last night and I woke up around 4am crying. This is so hard!!! Graydaughter, Stick to your guns! You are doing well, but stick to your guns. Don't let him contact you - he is only doing it because it suits HIM, not you. Of course he misses you and of course he cares about you etc, but he is not offering you anymore than being a mistress or someone to lean on when he can't get that support from somewhere else (his W presumably???) or when he needs his ego boosted! Let HIM suffer too! Yes, you say that he didn't look as though it was difficult for him. Well, either he is a good actor and he does suffer. But if he really isn't, surely then he mustn't care about you that much, so why should YOU be there for HIM when it makes you feel so bad? Look at what this continued contact does to you! You were upset after the phone call, you didn't sleep and you woke up crying!!! You should not have to! You deserve so much better! Ask him NOT to contact you. Tell him you want to move on. Don't take his phone calls. Give it a bit of time and then date. When you have gotten over the worst rush of pain and then see the eyes of someone else (who is available) light up when you walk into a room/pub/restaurant, and that makes your heart skip a beat, then you'll know it's worth it! You can do it!!!
Sami_D Posted April 22, 2006 Posted April 22, 2006 I didn't know he was married until I had already fallen in love with him. I have tried to end it numerous times, but each and every time he would use my love against me. Well, what a pig. He didn't tell you he was married till he got you hooked, and now that he does he doesn't have the decency to let you go. Manipulative liar. What more do you need to know about him?
Graydaughter Posted April 22, 2006 Posted April 22, 2006 MM calls yesterday and for the first minutes of the conversation was telling me that I should have known he wasn't going to drive back and forth forever and that it appeared that I was going on with my life even while he was here. I finally said that he had told me he didn't want to ever lose me and then within moments he threw me away when he quit his job! I then began to cry and he could hear me crying. He proceeded to beg me to stop crying that he had to tell me the TRUTH! He said he was fired for breaking one of the corporate policies and that the sales mgr. and VP said he could say he resigned to save face. He said he was so embarrassed that he hadn't told anyone the truth, until now. He said I deserved to know the truth, because he said I should have known that he loves me and that he would never have left me like that. I could tell he was visibly upset when he was telling me the truth, but that he couldn't stand to hear me hurt anymore. He then said maybe when my son graduates I could move to his city. He doesn't want to relocate here, because it is a small town and I think he feels he will run into the people who fired him and know the truth frequently! I didn't even discuss the option of moving, because I was somewhat relieved to know that he didn't make an impulsive decision to leave me behind. I feel much better today and I think I can better handle whatever else may happen now. I know I won't move to his city as the OW and that will be a discussion that will have to take place if we continue to talk/see each other. I really don't know what I want to happen now and he asked that I take the weekend to absorb everything and we would talk the first of the week. I'm not sure if I want to continue on with this A, or if I should just make a clean break now that I know the truth. I believe now that he does care, love and miss me, but I'm still not sure if that will change anything in his M. I think he has alot to work through with losing his job and then not being able to talk/see me almost daily. For now, I think I will focus on me and what I want and let him work through his own issues.
Graydaughter Posted April 25, 2006 Posted April 25, 2006 On Friday, MM finally confessed that he was fired from his job due to violating a company policy. He said I deserved to know the truth, but was too embarrassed to tell me. I am somewhat relieved, but I also feel like it is really over now! He didn't call me all weekend and when he called yesterday, he was in a great mood and said he had an interview in his city today. He didn't mention seeing me anytime soon and seemed quite happy based upon the circumstances. I on the other hand am very lost and miserable without him in my life. We spent so much time talking, IM'ing and seeing each other that I feel like there is a huge hole in my life. I guess he on the other hand still had his life and it is going on just like before he met me. He asked me if i still loved him and of course, i said yes. I feel like he is just keeping me as a backup plan, because he doesn't seem to be fazed with our limited contact. I wish I had the strength to go NC and just move on with my life. This has had a huge impact on my health and attitude and I just need some encouragement to get through this now! I admire all of you ex-OW who have been strong enough to go NC and let go!
Graydaughter Posted April 26, 2006 Posted April 26, 2006 Today MM called for the first time since Monday. His excuse was that he had something unexpected come up that he had to handle. I have had a rough week with everything else in my life going wrong and I wasn't very nice to him. He asked why we have an attitude. I told him he doesn't have an attitude, I do! He then wanted to know why I had an attitude toward HIM. I said I feel like I am on a rollercoaster and can't get off and I am tired of doing everything by myself. He then started to apologize for not calling the day before and that he really missed talking to me. At that point, I couldn't take anymore, because he had told me previously that his new job doesn't start until october. I can't understand why if he now has all of this free time, he's not on the phone calling me or seeing me. I told him I had to get back to work and I hung up. He didn't call back to even see why I was so upset. I can't take much more of this and I need HELP to figure out how to end this fiasco. Do I wait for his next call or just send a lengthy email which he may not even read? I just want my life back. I can't call or see him at all and everything is now on his terms. I can't stand the way I feel. I have to wait until it's convenient for him to call me and I never know if or when that will be. Any input would be appreciated!!! The sad thing is I still love him and I feel he still cares for me, but it's just not enough and I guess it never was!
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