resources for living w/ a liar?

[movinon05]

I have just stumbled onto this thread and I can't believe it! I had this problem for years with my exH. I could not understand why he would just give little lies that made no sense whatsoever. Even when there was nothing to hide! Going through the divorce, he lied to his attorneys and to the kids constantly. My kids no longer believe anything that comes out of his mouth because he's been caught in so many lies. Fortunately, I don't have to deal with it as much except when issues come up with the kids or legally - which in itself is a pain because how do you convince the attorneys or judge that he is a pathological liar? They'll think its just me being bitter. Here's his latest stupidest example of a lie. He hardly ever calls his kids. He thinks they have to call him. So he's talking to my older son on the cell phone and asks about my other son. He says he calls my other son all the time but my other son doesn't answer his cell. Then when he's talking to my other son, he tells him the same story as the older son. Now both my kids are not stupid! They're 20 and 19. If he called, there would be "missed calls" on the cells. They know he never calls them! And they look at each other like WTF! He has lied so much to them, even about the stupidest things, that they do not take one thing he says seriously. He also lies about big things as well.

 

I do think he has some kind of mental illness because he has other traits. He always talks about himself as if he is father of the year (right now, he is a deadbeat dad paying no child support who hardly ever sees his kids), he ALWAYS makes promises he doesn't keep. He over exaggerates plans to make it sound bigger and better than ever, but they never materialize. He always has to be surrounded by people partying and drinking. He couldn't even sit through an entire basketball game of my kids. He would leave after one quarter saying he "got a call from work", and then go home and drink. Oh, the list goes on. But everyone in his family even knows what a BSer he is. No one takes him seriously anymore. He doesn't even know what an a$$ he looks like anymore. He's totally clueless. I don't know. I just don't get it. If he gets caught in a lie, he just acts like it never happened or changes the subject to divert the attention away from the lie. Oh well. I'm glad to see I'm not crazy and that I'm not the only one who knows someone like this.

[Kenyth]

KENYTH-- I meant to ask before, what made you realize the need to start telling the truth?

 

I was nowhere near as bad as some of the stuff I'm reading here, including your husband. Not even in the same ballpark. I wasn't compulsive. Under normal circumstances, I wouldn't lie or hide things at all. Anger and fighting just made me very uncomfortable and I'd try to squirm out of those situations as easily as possible. Basically, I just finally realized using conflict avoidance tactics wasn't making anything better for anybody, and that I had a right to feel how I felt and do what I did! (Here's the key.) There was no reason to obscure things to avoid making someone angry. Just be honest and let 'em get angry! Believe it or not, changing to this behavior caused as many, if not more, problems as placating in the beginning!

 

You have to understand though, my wife is a bit insecure. The level of detail and accuracy she want's is unreal sometimes, as is the depth in my affairs she want's to get on occasion. God help me if I miss something! She must have had someone cheat with an ex in her past or something. She doesn't think I'm cheating, but she does think I'm disloyal because I don't treat my ex harshly enough. I have to deal with this woman because of my son, which makes it difficult to be blatantly hostile. Because the possibility exists that I'll have to go to court again, I don't need to give them stones to throw at me.

[nofx_62784]

 

 

The "keep as new" icon in the lower left corner of the email window makes the email stay in that bold black font even after its been read... Regardless he sounds like a pathological liar.

[MusicWoman]

maybe he wanted to keep it at the top so he wouldn't forget...still....

[EndoftheRope]

Well, Rome wasn't built in a day, right?

 

If he's NEVER admitted a lie before at all, then I'd probably view my cup as half full if I were you. Why not?

 

He's not exactly owning it yet, but maybe he's sneaking up on it...like dangling your toes in the pool in order to check the temperature. I kind of doubt he's ready to 'dive in', but hey...if he's phobic of the water then every little bit counts.

 

I think I will keep re-reading your post when I need encouragement. It is hard to be patient after the garbage I've put up with for 13 years, and yet in the past year, he has made many changes. He did come straight home Monday and find a phone number and meeting times for al-anon. I do hope he'll be receptive to what he learns about ACoA. He has many good qualities, but I can't live with this lying and secrecy.

 

MusicWoman-- totally off topic, but what kind of music do you do? Do you play an instrument or sing? I majored in music, played semi-professionally for about ten years, and now teach lessons.

 

Another off-topic question-- can I change my username or displayname? I think it's time for something a little more positive.

[Ladyjane14]

Positive thought is a POWERFUL thing. Moreso than I ever would have believed until I experienced a recovery phase in my own marriage.

 

So, if you can give 'the benefit of the doubt' to someone you love....who better to give it to?

 

Tie goes to the runner, if you ask me.

[alturrnababe]

"a thief will rob you, a murderer will kill you, but you never know where you are with a liar"

I read that some years ago and never forgot it! I too live with a liar, one who goes out all the time and lies about where he went-even after 6 years of marriage! It never ever ends.If they are STILL lying at this age I have come to the conclusion that they don't know any other way to be! So, we, as the long suffering spouses, have to make that decision on whether to stay and put up with it or leave.Often this is easier said than done (especially if there are children involved) but, I just don't think these people are capable of telling the truth like the rest of us.I really wish you (and everyone else living with a liar like I am) the best of luck in dealing with this situation, because I know it's not easy.

[living his lie]

I have posted before about some of the things going on in my marriage. We are now in counseling (now that *H* has decided there's a problem).

 

He has made some concessions; he is showering me with gifts, attention & loving gestures; yet I can't see it accomplishing anything because he still lies on things both big and little. This has been going on for years. He did finally admit yesterday in counseling that he has given me reason "in the past" not to trust him. But even yesterday, he was still lying to me.

 

This particular one is a stupid lie: I sent him an e-mail 10 days ago which has sat unopened at the top of his inbox. I know this because he gave me the password to his account. So there it sat for 9 days, still in boldface, yet he tells me he opened and read it! I have a yahoo account. I'm familiar with how they work. I have tried repeatedly, in various ways, and I can't get in and out of a message fast enough for it not to go plain-text on the subject line. There is no option I can find to keep your messages bold after being read (which is beside the point, because all his other messages go plain, anyway).

 

This is such a STUPID lie, and one he KNOWS I can check up on easily! Yet he continues to insist that somehow it happened.

 

He came home late one morning and told me two directly contradictory stories about where he was. I told him I would not tolerate anymore explanations of how I misheard (I've supposedly been mishearing him for YEARS, although I don't have this problem with anyone else.) So the new answer to everything is, "I don't know." Yesterday in counseling, he blamed the contradictory stories on being on TB medication at the time!

 

I could go on, but if there is anyone out there who lives with this, YOU ALREADY KNOW WHAT I'M GOING THROUGH!!! I feel like I'm blundering in the dark; like the ground is constantly shifting under my feet and upendng me; that I can't trust my own senses anymore.

 

I KNOW he's lying. I KNOW I'm not mishearing and misunderstanding as constantly as he says I am. And yet it makes you question your own sanity to have someone constantly tell you what you know you saw and heard isn't really so.

 

We have a large family. Separation will financially destroy us. I have done a lot of work on detaching already. I'm continuing to do so. I mostly definitely have got a life. But I need more help to stand strong against this.

 

PLEASE-- are there any resources on the web for living with a liar? An AA for chronic liars or something??? I have googled liar and living with a liar and am not finding anything. Is there a label I can stick on this behavior that might at least lead me to a resource that will help me cope with this? Someone here already suggested narcississtic personality disorder-- my first thought is that his real problem is the opposite, that he's so insecure.

 

And yes, I know I should leave him. It's just easier said than done after 17 years of marriage, many children, and a family that thinks the stars shine out of his rear. It is most definitely under consideration, despite that, but I need to know I've done what I can do to keep my children's family intact.

i can absolutely relate, do you think all men lie ,who,s to say the grass would be greener on the other side , a compulsive liar certainly catches you off guard ,if youre not living it yould never believe how devistating it truly is to ones soul,the sleepless nights , the constant doubt in regard to everything he says and is.the worry that he will pass on this behavior to your beautiful children,the constant feeling that the rug could be pulled out from under you at any time.feeling that your entire life is a lie , and all the while still walking on eggshells ,because you love him underneath the lies their is a beautioful man and you know it in so many ways he is perfect, but when your loosing track of what is real and whats not whos to say. i dont have the answers , but you should know your not alone, and im pretty sure most of us are living this to some degree , what happened to prince charming?