basscatcher Posted April 20, 2006 Posted April 20, 2006 (For those who know my story!!) What the hell. I failed myself last ngiht but it was damn good. Alright, I had distanced myself from him. I told him that I logically figured out that I needed to end the relationship. I turned him down for several dates over a 3 week period. I went to confession at church, survived through Easter without him. He did pick me up for Easter Vigil Mass because my Elect (my friend) was Baptised and he promised he would attend. (He also went to confession..) He has called me 2-3 times a week for the past 2 weeks. Last night he calls me and wants to meet up. I said ok. (I figured this would be a good time to get my stuff from his place. Which I did by using the excuse that I needed my over night bag because I have a wedding out of town this weekend (I do) and wanted my bag to bring with me. He said ok.) He hugged me so tight upon seeing me I thought he was going to squeeze the life out of me. We went out to eat, visited for awhile. I had went to a Healing Service at church the night before and was feeling free and at peace. I wasn't so depressed and I felt the burden of my past lifted off of me. After we ate we went back to his place and I grabbed my bag and sat it next to my purse. I lit up a smoke and he gave me a wine cooler. He came up behind me and held me and kissed my kneck. Ughh. He kissed me and I was lost. He seduced me.. I let him..... It had been over a month or so since the last time I had some action and I melted in his arms. When I was leaving he commented " It was great seeing you again. (He kisses me sweetly here- then as he walks away he says:) It's about time we got together. You've been avoiding me and making up so many excuses to NOT see me." I told him "Paybacks are a bitch aren't they?" and I jumped in my car and he followed me out the the Interstate and I went home. I have mixed feelings today. I feel tingly and good; yet, I ask myself why I let myself fall into his arms. When I see him and when I talk to him I lose my power and control. When I am away from him I logically and emotionally know that he isn't fullfilling my desires to be held, to be looked at and to have logical conversations with. He knows exactly where I stand and what I am going through. He knows I want to totally break off our relationship and he also knows when I see him and talk to him that I melt. He tells me to relax and have fun. To enjoy being together and stop worrying about what will happen in the future. He always tells me that I don't know what will happen. He says this with a light hearted tone in his voice. Am I over analytical about him? Am I making a mountain out of a mole hill? Am I jumping to conclusions about him? Am I creating drama when there shouldn't be? I know there are unmet desires, wants and needs. I have been comparing him to the men in my past and he is a jewel compared to the others. I haven't forgven him for his behavior when he was so drunk. That subject comes up everytime he talks to me. He knows I won't let it go. Am I being to nice? Am I being a fool? Should I forgive him for his actions? I've reamed him out so many times about it... I question whether all the shyt he has done, all his behavior, all his craziness is a result of rebounding with me too soon after his break up with his Xgf? Question: If I wasn't in the picture--- would all his behavior be considered NORMAL for a man healing from a breakup? Anyone respounding to this post please think this through before replying.
blind_otter Posted April 20, 2006 Posted April 20, 2006 I don't know what to say, Pada. There's no such thing as "normal" behavior in a breakup. But you did fail yourself last night. You gave in to the temptation to temporarily ease your pain through physical attention. I've done it to, all the time. The results have never been positive. But I don't judge you for it. I also won't support you for it, though.
littlekitty Posted April 20, 2006 Posted April 20, 2006 Oh Pada. I could answer all of your questions, many would be a yes. But I'm not going to. The relationship is over. It was right that it was over. I think you know that deep down. We all long for the physical closeness, and we all make mistakes. Look as last night as a mistake, a set back, and continue to move on from this relationship. PLEASE..... Hugs.
a4a Posted April 20, 2006 Posted April 20, 2006 (For those who know my story!!) Am I over analytical about him? Yes you have been from the start Am I making a mountain out of a mole hill? You do seem to do this from time to time Am I jumping to conclusions about him? Depends on which exact scenario(s) you are speaking about Am I creating drama when there shouldn't be? Yes at times it would appear you are. Am I being to nice? Not if you are comfortable with it, and it makes you happy Am I being a fool? Who cares are you happy, enjoying yourself. Should I forgive him for his actions? I've reamed him out so many times about it... Does he say he was an ass of sorts and has he apologized? Everyone can make an ass of themselves from time to time. I question whether all the shyt he has done, all his behavior, all his craziness is a result of rebounding with me too soon after his break up with his Xgf? Here you go over analyzing things again Pada if you can just learn to enjoy the moments instead of being so worried about why you are having the moment, what will happen, and how the next one will be....... you will be a whole lot happier. Maybe Charlie is just having a good time, maybe you should too. You are dating right now (or were). That does not mean that he is head over heels in love with you. But it is apparent he likes you. He is putting up with your pushing and revealing of your deep feelings just after 6 months. Many men would head for the hills. I would. You want to play with fire but you don't want to get burned. It simply does not work that way. You may get burned. But hell enjoy the ride, and if you get burned guess what........ it will heal up. If you expect him to become something he is not it will not work out in the long run, but that does not mean that you cannot enjoy his company and date him and other men as well. I have to wonder why so many people are so worried about being abandoned or getting hurt. Life is such a gamble, and eventually we all either leave or get abandoned by our SO, little thing called death that just screws up the forever fantasy. You cannot avoid that break up no matter how hard you try. You need to enjoy the time you spend with him or other men instead of playing the what ifs, and whys through your head over and over again. He is right you need to lighten up. However that does not mean be a doormat, nor does it mean you need to be so damn ready for an attack either.
Author basscatcher Posted April 20, 2006 Author Posted April 20, 2006 I don't know what to say, Pada. There's no such thing as "normal" behavior in a breakup. But you did fail yourself last night. You gave in to the temptation to temporarily ease your pain through physical attention. I've done it to, all the time. The results have never been positive. But I don't judge you for it. I also won't support you for it, though. Understandable. I'm not looking for support in my actions. I wonder what a Psychologist would say about the events that have occurred regarding Charlie... Not pertaining to me necessarily but in how he has acted. Is his behavior normal in the context of a breakup. To be indecisive To be coinfused To be distant To be disconnected To not be able to give To not be able to see someone elses needs To not know what you want I'm really beginning to want to analyze him to understand his side of things more now then to understand what it is I am not getting. I understand my position better but I am more interested in his situation. I know men and women are somewhat different in how we handle things. I know I was in the reception of being the rebound when he broke everything off with his Xgf. I think men can explain this better.
littlekitty Posted April 20, 2006 Posted April 20, 2006 Why do you want to work this out and analyse him? Do you feel it will bring you closure or closer to him?
blind_otter Posted April 20, 2006 Posted April 20, 2006 I'm really beginning to want to analyze him to understand his side of things more now then to understand what it is I am not getting. I understand my position better but I am more interested in his situation. WHY? He is no longer your problem and above all, he's a grown man. He is responsible for himself. If he needs this analysis, he can do it on his own with his own therapist. What would you do with this information? Dwell on this even more? Let him know what his issues are so he can work on them? Look, he has a huge cock, whatever. Great. Sex is sex is sex. It's nothing. It has no special or beautiful meaning unless you give it meaning, and f***ing someone after you broke up is not special or beautiful.
a4a Posted April 20, 2006 Posted April 20, 2006 I'm really beginning to want to analyze him to understand his side of things more now then to understand what it is I am not getting. I understand my position better but I am more interested in his situation. . Why are you putting so much energy into this if indeed you want it to end?
whichwayisup Posted April 20, 2006 Posted April 20, 2006 All I know honeybunny, is love isn't supposed to be this hard. I really feel for you on this because I know how much he is in your heart and in your blood. It all still comes down to how each of you perceive "how a relationship should be." You both have desires and needs that need to be met and I'm not too sure if either of you are willing to compromise enough so BOTH of you feel you've met at the middle ground. I hope this makes sense. Another thing is, both of you, IF you're going to try it again should LEAVE the past in the PAST. Concentrate on the NOW and the future. What happened in each of your pasts should really not interfer as much as it already has. And, both of you can try to put yourselves in eachothers shoes more often. I don't know what you really want, but I am here to support you with whatever decision you make. Just don't stay with him so you won't feel alone. Don't settle for less unless YOU can be the one to loosen up more and change more than him. Something tells me that you'll probably be the one to do more of the bending to make it easier but you won't be happy bout it as it's not who you are....So, once again, it still goes back to the same problems as the beginning. You both are different people with needs that can't be met because of who you each are. Hope this helps Pada.
Author basscatcher Posted April 20, 2006 Author Posted April 20, 2006 I don't know if its closure or closer. I suspected I was a rebound upon finding out his history. I wanted to take the chance that it could be a rebound that might work. I have made it clear to him that I logically know he and I have to be over but he acts like we are not. He doesn't want it to be over. He is holding onto me and I am not very strong in fighting him off. I know reality of what I know and I also know my feelings and they aren't on the same page. This would be so much easier if he agreed with me he and I weren't working out...
blind_otter Posted April 20, 2006 Posted April 20, 2006 I don't know if its closure or closer. I suspected I was a rebound upon finding out his history. I wanted to take the chance that it could be a rebound that might work. I have made it clear to him that I logically know he and I have to be over but he acts like we are not. He doesn't want it to be over. He is holding onto me and I am not very strong in fighting him off. I know reality of what I know and I also know my feelings and they aren't on the same page. This would be so much easier if he agreed with me he and I weren't working out... He is not respecting your feelings or your wishes. He wants to continue in the manner that he feels is comfortable to him, regardless of how you want things to be.
Author basscatcher Posted April 20, 2006 Author Posted April 20, 2006 All I know honeybunny, is love isn't supposed to be this hard. I really feel for you on this because I know how much he is in your heart and in your blood. It all still comes down to how each of you perceive "how a relationship should be." You both have desires and needs that need to be met and I'm not too sure if either of you are willing to compromise enough so BOTH of you feel you've met at the middle ground. I hope this makes sense. Another thing is, both of you, IF you're going to try it again should LEAVE the past in the PAST. Concentrate on the NOW and the future. What happened in each of your pasts should really not interfer as much as it already has. And, both of you can try to put yourselves in eachothers shoes more often. I don't know what you really want, but I am here to support you with whatever decision you make. Just don't stay with him so you won't feel alone. Don't settle for less unless YOU can be the one to loosen up more and change more than him. Something tells me that you'll probably be the one to do more of the bending to make it easier but you won't be happy bout it as it's not who you are....So, once again, it still goes back to the same problems as the beginning. You both are different people with needs that can't be met because of who you each are. Hope this helps Pada. Your words are right on...Thanks WWIU
littlekitty Posted April 20, 2006 Posted April 20, 2006 He is not respecting your feelings or your wishes. He wants to continue in the manner that he feels is comfortable to him, regardless of how you want things to be. Spot on.
hotgurl Posted April 20, 2006 Posted April 20, 2006 If you really want to end it and get over him go NC. I think it's the only way.
whichwayisup Posted April 20, 2006 Posted April 20, 2006 Your words are right on...Thanks WWIU You're welcome. Do this list thing again. All the good/bad about him and the relationship. Then do a "wish" list. The best senario/outcome if you two WERE to get back together. How realistic are your wishes? Is there anything on that list that you're willing to let go of or really compromise on? That may help you see things in a new light.
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