Author typical Posted April 21, 2006 Author Posted April 21, 2006 When he asks her why, she should say she is not going to stay with someone who is going to hit her. She DID tell him that....and I guess from her, he gave some sort of noncommital response. But still doesnt want her to leave.... **sigh** Its going to be a long long long weekend.
mental_traveller Posted April 23, 2006 Posted April 23, 2006 Why not tell the gfs male relatives? The abusive bf will think twice if he knows he's going to get a beating next time he hits her.
mental_traveller Posted April 23, 2006 Posted April 23, 2006 My Bf choked me before. I dunno. In my case I totally know that I have the ability to provoke people to the point where they lose control. I am still with him. He went to anger management classes. But I sometimes think it's just being suppressed. That he will do it again. Lol. Trust me, you couldn't provoke many guys to so much as slap you in the face, let alone choke you. Stop the BS rationalisations please. People with serious anger & violence problems are violent. Normal people arne't violent except in limited situations such as preventing crimes, contact sports, fighting in wars etc.
mental_traveller Posted April 23, 2006 Posted April 23, 2006 One thing that disturbs me is seeing some of the gals posting here saying they provoked what happened. Okay, if you're pissing a guy off, he needs to leave, not hit you or choke you, fer cryin' in the rain! Puhleeeezzz do NOT make the mistake of taking the blame for some guy with a lack of self control. Hear hear. To give some perspective, I have a friend who can be a bit emotional & has problems controlling his temper. He dated a complete psycho bitch for about 2 years, and after they broke off she would regularly turn up at his place stinking drunk, screaming and banging on his door & windows in the early hours. After the umpteenth time he let her in, she started bawling and shouting at him, all sorts of abuse, and finally he grabbed her by the shoulder, shook her against the wall, and shouted at her to shut the f*** up. The next day he was totally mortified and shocked by what he did (which didn't involve any choking, blows etc), it's the first time he has ever been remotely violent in his life. The police were called and he got a caution, all his friends asked him what the f*ck he thought he was doing etc. Despite everyone thinking this woman was the biggest stinking turd on the planet, the idea of physically assaulting her was treated by everyone as the unacceptable, anti-social, violent minor crime that it was. Now we have some people here trying to say that far worse behaviour is normal, or easily provoked. I call BS on this. Anyone who thinks that really needs to try to find out a bit more about normality, decency, and civilised behaviour. Changing their social circle might help too.
lindya Posted April 23, 2006 Posted April 23, 2006 The next morning he was extremely warm and loving with her, stroking her,kissing her, saying he was sorry, that he promises he wont touch her again. She was crying from the amount of warmth she was recieving. She told him that she wont provoke him again. It was abnormal to her, the amount of affection she was recieving, he was very gentle and warm and genuine when he is normally very cold and distant and not at all emotional. Sounds like... "I know it might not be very nice when I put my hands round your neck and scare you into thinking I might choke you to death, but if you can be a good girl and tolerate it then there'll be all sorts of good things in the way of warmth and affection round the corner for you." I doubt that deep down he believes there's much wrong in what he did. Why else would he feel able - and entitled - to put his hands on her with affection so soon after putting them on her with violence? Also, why would your friend be okay with him touching her so soon after an incident like that? You're not creating an impression of either of them being in the best of emotional health, to be honest. And Otter... I dunno. I think I do provoke those things. When I told my mom what happened she just looked at me and said, "Well otter you know how you are." Ironic, since my Mom beat me, so I guess I provoked her, too. I think I'm just bitchy and needy and that can get on anyone's nerves. What's all this? Does Otter have to adhere to some sort of higher standard than the rest of us? One whereby she must be 100% perfect and unobtrusive, or expect to be physically abused by the people who are supposed to enhance her life and be on her side? I'm sure that the rational part of you knows that through condoning other people's decision to be violent towards you, your mother can (in her mind) condone her own previous violence towards you. I don't think you'd encourage others to feel that they should take the blame for being abused, so why take the view that it's sort of understandable that anyone would decide to abuse you?
blind_otter Posted April 23, 2006 Posted April 23, 2006 I can't explain it. I think that most people have some cognitive system in place, that enables them to be able to distinguish between what behavior encroaches on their "self" and what behavior is just acceptible boundary probing. I seem to be missing this. I don't have a clear understanding of what is and isn't OK. I have a very strong part of my personality that took the brunt of the abuse when I was growing up, molested, raped, etc. It is almost as if I learned so well how to protect myself, that my ability to perceive the very thing I am protecting myself against is misaligned. Like a suit of armor that has no eye holes. So I can hunker down and endure the worst of storms, but the very armor that has enabled me to survive what is pretty horrific trauma on many levels, has also made it difficult to see how to avoid the traumas. I have a very weird and nebulous self-concept. That is probably the biggest thing. "I" very often, does not exist.
SoleMate Posted April 23, 2006 Posted April 23, 2006 Back to the OP...it doesn't really matter what her boyfriend "IS", because no one can really know that anyhow. As in, is he really a great guy who just got a little out of control, or is he a dangerous abuser? What matters is what he DOES. He: * strangles her * threatens to hit her * calls her a "jealous bitch" and "mental case" By the way, of all abusive behaviors and indicators of domestic violence risk, the act of a man placing his hands around a woman's throat and squeezing is one of the strongest predictors of lethal tendencies. Please read about it in a Lethality Assessment presentation at: http://www.ohsu.edu/healthdisparities/LethalityAssessmentORshort.ppt So, I do think your friend should leave him, both because he is a potential domestic murderer, and because this relationship is hurtful and unhappy for her. I understand she has issues - so do we all. Her partner makes those issues worse. Your role? To support her with information and practical assistance. I would especially make sure that she understands the risks of staying vs. leaving, and that she knows ALL resources available to her: friends, social service agencies, law enforcement, etc. BTW - I'd like to add the perspective of someone who does NOT take violence as normative in an intimate relationship. I've surely had some crappy, unhappy, and destructive relationships, but in none of them was violence ever used against me. And blind otter, I feel so bad when I hear you say that you provoke violence against you. I can't even parse it out right now, but that just isn't right. Good luck, typical. Your friend is lucky to have someone like you looking out for and supporting her.
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