typical Posted April 20, 2006 Posted April 20, 2006 On the following subject matter, please advise where my place is in all of this...The GF is my friend, and I need some input on how to proceed with this.... GF and BF living together. Get into a heated argument about why he cant respect her more. She feels $hitty because every time they go anywhere together, he is constantly giving eyes to other women. GF not sure if he is doing this on purpose to get a reaction, or what. Yesterday, they are standing in line. His eyes are following this one girl who works there. This isnt the first time discrepancies in his behaviour have been noted when this girl is around. All of a sudden, he pops out of line and sort of lingers away from her. GF took this to mean that he was trying to appear single or something. As if to say, I am not with her, or yes I am with her, but she is only a friend. It seemed pretty apparent to her. Once they get back to the car, she asks him why he feels compelled to disrespect her in front of other women all the time. He flips out, screams at her, calls her a jealous b!tch...... They go back to the house. Once inside, she starts talking about another older couple they had just visited, commenting on their nice house and family values. BF screams at her the moment she opens her mouth, telling her to shut up. Apparently, BF assumed she still wanted to argue about the girl in the store and hadnt even bothered to listen to what she was saying before he chose to flip out. He slams out the door, her closly following trying to explain herself and as he is about to close the door in her face she turns around and pushes the door open (she is pretty ticked off right now) hard enough to where it slams into the side of the house. It swings open and slams into the side of the house.. She walks back into the house. Her back is turned. Unbeknownst to her, BF comes running up from behind, lunging at her, and puts his hands around her neck, squeezing and yelling at her. She was so shocked, she just looked at him and walked out the door. Sat outside for a while just crying. Comes back in and indicates that maybe she should leave now because she doesnt want this in her life. He tells her that maybe in the future he will hit her again. She cannot believe what he just said. She asks him again and he repeats it, stating his reason for that is she is such a jealous b!tch and that if she cant stop, he might. She tells him that she should just leave then, because she doesnt want to be mixed up with someone who is going to hit her. He asks her if she cant stop being jealous? At this point, she thinks she could, but once she is in a situation she doesnt think she can. In her mind, he has lost all hope for them, he thinks she will never be able to stop, and she tells him that he has lost respect for her, that he treats strangers and animals with more respect, she has seen this with her own two eyes. He goes quiet. Because what can he say, its the truth. The whole night was cold. Their conversation was cold. She fell asleep feeling more confused than she ever has been. The next morning he was extremely warm and loving with her, stroking her,kissing her, saying he was sorry, that he promises he wont touch her again. She was crying from the amount of warmth she was recieving. She told him that she wont provoke him again. It was abnormal to her, the amount of affection she was recieving, he was very gentle and warm and genuine when he is normally very cold and distant and not at all emotional. a. He is not an abuser, never has been. Though he did tell her when she asked one day in the beginning if he has ever hit a woman, he told her once, 15 years ago he slapped a woman across the face and she left him. He learned his lesson and never touched a woman again. b. He is very mild mannered, not a drinker, drugger, partier. Just a quiet, respectable individual. c. Everyone that meets him likes him. Including myself. His behaviour seems out of character. That is why I am having problems with my advice to her. Also, she seems to have fragile grasp everything. I dont want to create more problems in her mind for her to deal with. Help me help her...please?
JadeStar Posted April 20, 2006 Posted April 20, 2006 On the following subject matter, please advise where my place is in all of this...The GF is my friend, and I need some input on how to proceed with this.... GF and BF living together. Get into a heated argument about why he cant respect her more. She feels $hitty because every time they go anywhere together, he is constantly giving eyes to other women. GF not sure if he is doing this on purpose to get a reaction, or what. Yesterday, they are standing in line. His eyes are following this one girl who works there. This isnt the first time discrepancies in his behaviour have been noted when this girl is around. All of a sudden, he pops out of line and sort of lingers away from her. GF took this to mean that he was trying to appear single or something. As if to say, I am not with her, or yes I am with her, but she is only a friend. It seemed pretty apparent to her. Once they get back to the car, she asks him why he feels compelled to disrespect her in front of other women all the time. He flips out, screams at her, calls her a jealous b!tch...... They go back to the house. Once inside, she starts talking about another older couple they had just visited, commenting on their nice house and family values. BF screams at her the moment she opens her mouth, telling her to shut up. Apparently, BF assumed she still wanted to argue about the girl in the store and hadnt even bothered to listen to what she was saying before he chose to flip out. He slams out the door, her closly following trying to explain herself and as he is about to close the door in her face she turns around and pushes the door open (she is pretty ticked off right now) hard enough to where it slams into the side of the house. It swings open and slams into the side of the house.. She walks back into the house. Her back is turned. Unbeknownst to her, BF comes running up from behind, lunging at her, and puts his hands around her neck, squeezing and yelling at her. She was so shocked, she just looked at him and walked out the door. Sat outside for a while just crying. Comes back in and indicates that maybe she should leave now because she doesnt want this in her life. He tells her that maybe in the future he will hit her again. She cannot believe what he just said. She asks him again and he repeats it, stating his reason for that is she is such a jealous b!tch and that if she cant stop, he might. She tells him that she should just leave then, because she doesnt want to be mixed up with someone who is going to hit her. He asks her if she cant stop being jealous? At this point, she thinks she could, but once she is in a situation she doesnt think she can. In her mind, he has lost all hope for them, he thinks she will never be able to stop, and she tells him that he has lost respect for her, that he treats strangers and animals with more respect, she has seen this with her own two eyes. He goes quiet. Because what can he say, its the truth. The whole night was cold. Their conversation was cold. She fell asleep feeling more confused than she ever has been. The next morning he was extremely warm and loving with her, stroking her,kissing her, saying he was sorry, that he promises he wont touch her again. She was crying from the amount of warmth she was recieving. She told him that she wont provoke him again. It was abnormal to her, the amount of affection she was recieving, he was very gentle and warm and genuine when he is normally very cold and distant and not at all emotional. a. He is not an abuser, never has been. Though he did tell her when she asked one day in the beginning if he has ever hit a woman, he told her once, 15 years ago he slapped a woman across the face and she left him. He learned his lesson and never touched a woman again. b. He is very mild mannered, not a drinker, drugger, partier. Just a quiet, respectable individual. c. Everyone that meets him likes him. Including myself. His behaviour seems out of character. That is why I am having problems with my advice to her. Also, she seems to have fragile grasp everything. I dont want to create more problems in her mind for her to deal with. Help me help her...please? a. Yes he is. He doesn't have to actually hit someone to be an abuser. He sounds like a mental/verbal/emotional abuser to me. b. No hes not. Hes yelling at her, cussing at her and telling her he might hit her. Hes not respectable. c. Hes behavior seems out of character, is possible, but not if this is generally how he treats her. He also could have others that know him, snowed. JMO Jade
Author typical Posted April 20, 2006 Author Posted April 20, 2006 Those a. b. and c. points were coming from my point of view, on how I see him from day to day, and the information I have gathered from friend up until this situation from last night. I agree with you on your points though. That is why it is difficult for me to advise her. Conflicting information. *sigh* I guess I need to hunker down for the inevitable process of trying to extricate her from this situation. Its not going to be easy. SHe is the type that would wait to the last minute to evacuate a sinking ship. Doesnt give up or give in. Its going to be a long road filled with drama. What really rocks me is that she knew him prior to their relationship. He was there for her as was I when her wounds were still healing from the last a**h*** who gave her a black eye. We were both mad on her behalf and wanting to kick ass. He knows a little about her violent childhood and has seen the wounds mentally and physically the last BF caused. Knowing what he knows of her past, seeing her hurts before, sympathizing and helping her, WHY would he turn around and do this to her?????????
blind_otter Posted April 20, 2006 Posted April 20, 2006 My Bf choked me before. I dunno. In my case I totally know that I have the ability to provoke people to the point where they lose control. I am still with him. He went to anger management classes. But I sometimes think it's just being suppressed. That he will do it again.
phyrespryte Posted April 20, 2006 Posted April 20, 2006 That's a pretty extreme reaction he had to his g/f. So what if she's jealous (and I don't think that she's overreacting) that's no excuse to go and strangle her. It doesn't matter that it seems out of character for him to act that way. It might seem like a one time thing that won't happen again, but it won't be. He attacked her over something petty imagine what will happen when she really pisses him off?
Author typical Posted April 20, 2006 Author Posted April 20, 2006 But I sometimes think it's just being suppressed. That he will do it again. Mine has as well, and I feel the same way, that he is suppressing it, and one day it will blow....and I do know how to provoke as well, so it leaves me in a sordid mess But as for my friend.....both myself and her BF had helped her through her ordeal with the last a$$...I mean, she would show up with black eyes and such, and he would be there for her, and so would I....I dont understand how he could see this, know about her past and STILL act this way towards her??????
Author typical Posted April 20, 2006 Author Posted April 20, 2006 That's a pretty extreme reaction he had to his g/f. exactly. So what if she was jealous, is exactly what she had said to him. She told him that he changed and she has stayed the same because it never seemed to bother him before that she was jealous....BESIDES he is EXTREMELY jealous as well. He is very selfish on where she places (and with whom) her love with. He just hides it very well, while her emotions are alot closer to the surface.... I am lucky that I hit it off so well with him, or I could see him trying to wheedle her out of hanging with me... On the topic of jealousy, and why he cant deal with it now, I guess he tried to explain the overflowing glass of water theory complete with live demonstrations....
blind_otter Posted April 20, 2006 Posted April 20, 2006 Mine has as well, and I feel the same way, that he is suppressing it, and one day it will blow....and I do know how to provoke as well, so it leaves me in a sordid mess But as for my friend.....both myself and her BF had helped her through her ordeal with the last a$$...I mean, she would show up with black eyes and such, and he would be there for her, and so would I....I dont understand how he could see this, know about her past and STILL act this way towards her?????? I dunno, my BF knows about my past and still did that to me. my psycho ex is in prison for what he did. I have come to believe that spending so much time working out motives behind weird behaviors is a mistake. Emotions don't make sense. No one, in a rage, would stop and consider what their partner may react to -- that's how we end up saying stupid s*** to piss people off and hurt them. Anger = not thinking straight.
whichwayisup Posted April 20, 2006 Posted April 20, 2006 She needs to GET OUT OF THE RELATIONSHIP NOW! He isn't going to change, ever. He is an a**h***, a womanizer and has NO intention of changing. Unless she wants this crap to go on forever, the best thing she can do is walk out of his life and never look back.
catgirl1927 Posted April 20, 2006 Posted April 20, 2006 Just so I understand, he beat her up because she got upset that he acted like he didn't know her because a hot girl was around. He very obviously is or at the very least is planning to cheat on her and it's her fault because she is jealous. Unbelievable. She should have packed her things and left after her attacked her. If she didn't do that, she should pack her things now and get the hell away from him. What's the question here? He doesn't love her. He doesn't respect her. He beats her up. Why is she even considering staying with him? She hasn't done anything but ask to be treated like a person. This kind of thing just makes me sick...
Author typical Posted April 20, 2006 Author Posted April 20, 2006 catgirl1927, thanks for your response....see, this is where things get shady....According to him, she is making all of this up in her sick little head, and she doesnt like to be happy because there is not a day that goes by that they dont argue or fight. He thinks she needs help, that she is imagining things, and that what she thinks is going on, isnt. her point of view is that her mind cant be so skewed that she is seeing things so incorrectly, can it? My point of view is undecided. I believe that sometimes *PERCEPTION* can be much further than what is actually the truth. Could she have just percieved that he has intentions for this female? She has been known to be rather paranoid, and especially jealous, but then again, so is he, only on a slightly lesser scale. Could he actually be trying to make her jealous? Or is he really just a scumbag that cant keep his eyes to himself? They are both jealous people. They are both selfish with sharing each other, this is true. He swears up and down that she is a mental case, and that she needs help because she sees things that arent there. She swears up and down that he is a manipulating liar and that she was almost certain she doesnt make these things up. Wrong about some of the things some of the time, but all of the things all of the time?? How likely is that?? Everyone who knows them says that they are so jealous of each other and that they are a crock of s***.
phyrespryte Posted April 20, 2006 Posted April 20, 2006 My point of view is undecided. I believe that sometimes *PERCEPTION* can be much further than what is actually the truth. Could she have just percieved that he has intentions for this female? She has been known to be rather paranoid, and especially jealous, but then again, so is he, only on a slightly lesser scale. Could he actually be trying to make her jealous? Or is he really just a scumbag that cant keep his eyes to himself? At this point it doesn't matter if she's imagining that he's looking at other women. He attacked her! Besides I think that by him saying that she's imagining things is his way of making her doubt herself. And by doubting herself she will be easily controlled by him. Like right now...if she had a clear view of her situation she would've left the night he attacked her.
blind_otter Posted April 20, 2006 Posted April 20, 2006 I'm interested in this whole perception thing. I've had a lot of ex's invest a lot of time convincing me that I am crazy paranoid with weird beliefs and a perception problem. I wonder most of the time if it's true, or if that's a normal tactic in abusive relationships? That whole thing about doubting yourself making you easily controlled. Well, me, really. Is this a common tactic of abusers? To make you doubt yourself so that you are constantly thinking in circles?
SuperMonk Posted April 20, 2006 Posted April 20, 2006 typical is probably the "BF" , why do people always say "my friend did this and that" when it was "i did this and that" , Weak man Weak. You are pathetic. I'm going to consider YOU did all those things to this girl, you are an abuser, weak and pathetic. I'm glad my muscled up biceps/triceps are as big as your legs.
blind_otter Posted April 20, 2006 Posted April 20, 2006 One thing that disturbs me is seeing some of the gals posting here saying they provoked what happened. Okay, if you're pissing a guy off, he needs to leave, not hit you or choke you, fer cryin' in the rain! Puhleeeezzz do NOT make the mistake of taking the blame for some guy with a lack of self control. I dunno. I think I do provoke those things. When I told my mom what happened she just looked at me and said, "Well otter you know how you are." Ironic, since my Mom beat me, so I guess I provoked her, too. I think I'm just bitchy and needy and that can get on anyone's nerves.
JadeStar Posted April 21, 2006 Posted April 21, 2006 typical is probably the "BF" , why do people always say "my friend did this and that" when it was "i did this and that" , Weak man Weak. You are pathetic. I'm going to consider YOU did all those things to this girl, you are an abuser, weak and pathetic. I'm glad my muscled up biceps/triceps are as big as your legs. typical is female. Or so it says in the profile. So maybe its actually "her", that she is talking about. I dunno for sure. There are people who, post asking a question in reference to a friend for various reasons, nothing wrong with it. I have post about a friend before who didn't have a computer. Reguardless of weather its "her" or not, its not a good situation. Jade
JadeStar Posted April 21, 2006 Posted April 21, 2006 I dunno. I think I do provoke those things. When I told my mom what happened she just looked at me and said, "Well otter you know how you are." Ironic, since my Mom beat me, so I guess I provoked her, too. I think I'm just bitchy and needy and that can get on anyone's nerves. blind, wheather you "provoked" it or not, every action has a reaction. It was his choice on how to handle how he reacted to what ever you were doing. He could have walked away, talked calmly or whatever. He chose to hit, say mean things etc. JMO. Same thing for your mother too. Jade
Author typical Posted April 21, 2006 Author Posted April 21, 2006 typical is probably the "BF" , why do people always say "my friend did this and that" when it was "i did this and that" , Weak man Weak. You are pathetic. I'm going to consider YOU did all those things to this girl, you are an abuser, weak and pathetic. I'm glad my muscled up biceps/triceps are as big as your legs. There he goes, rushing off to battle without his sword.... Okay, that was lame.....quite obviously, I am a female...I have a female friend who has a BF who this post is about. Obviously you are not very adept when it comes to picking up signals in posts that would tell you what gender the writer is......if you still have doubts, go back and do a look up on my past posts.... And, like Jadestar, my friend DOES NOT have a computer. She leans all of her weight on me for emotional support, which sucks at times, as I also have some s***ty situations going on in the homefront. I come here and post and beseech for advice because sometimes my vision is clouded, I put up with alot of s***, I have a high tolerance for bad people in my life, I make wrong choices and I can live in the worse circumstances....but I would never let another friend go through the same things I go through, even though its fine for me....
catgirl1927 Posted April 21, 2006 Posted April 21, 2006 I think almost 100% of the time abusive people try to make you think you're crazy and it's all your fault. Every abusive relationship, whether is physical or emotional, sexual or familial or just friendship, the abuser makes the victim feel like there is something wrong with them. It's always a "perception problem." It's not that he was kissing another girl in a bar right in front of me, the problem is how I reacted to that...
Author typical Posted April 21, 2006 Author Posted April 21, 2006 It's always a "perception problem." It's not that he was kissing another girl in a bar right in front of me, the problem is how I reacted to that... So true...Crazy making at its finest..
Adunaphel Posted April 21, 2006 Posted April 21, 2006 I agree with most of the other posters, your friend's bf is certainly abusive. It's irrilevant at this point whether he was actually disrespecting her, oogling at another woman and pretending to be single. Whether it was 'all in her head' or not, is not the really important issue anymore. her bf is abusive. Has hurt her, scared her. If he hadn't tried to choke her, he'd still be verbally abusive. He is trying to shift blame on her, will not take responsability for his behaviour, tries to make her think that she has a perception problem. Catgirl nailed it: I think almost 100% of the time abusive people try to make you think you're crazy and it's all your fault. Every abusive relationship, whether is physical or emotional, sexual or familial or just friendship, the abuser makes the victim feel like there is something wrong with them. It's always a "perception problem." It's not that he was kissing another girl in a bar right in front of me, the problem is how I reacted to that... I have also heard that it's normal for abusive person to become for a while the nicest partner in the world, after an episode of abuse has taken place(which is probably why so many people stay in abusive relationships). Please do your best to help your friend get out of this relationship.
Author typical Posted April 21, 2006 Author Posted April 21, 2006 have also heard that it's normal for abusive person to become for a while the nicest partner in the world, after an episode of abuse has taken place(which is probably why so many people stay in abusive relationships). As have I...... I believe they refer to it as the "power and control" wheel
Author typical Posted April 21, 2006 Author Posted April 21, 2006 have also heard that it's normal for abusive person to become for a while the nicest partner in the world, after an episode of abuse has taken place Which is exactly what just happened as of the latest telephone call this morning....so, I should prod her to move on then? Otter, I know what you mean about provoking....I have been very guilty of doing the same thing....but even if we provoke, it doesnt mean they should hit.
catgirl1927 Posted April 21, 2006 Posted April 21, 2006 I think she should get away from him as fast as she can. When he asks her why, she should say she is not going to stay with someone who is going to hit her.
Adunaphel Posted April 21, 2006 Posted April 21, 2006 Which is exactly what just happened as of the latest telephone call this morning....so, I should prod her to move on then? Yes, absolutely. I think she should get away from him as fast as she can. I agree with catgirl. When he asks her why, she should say she is not going to stay with someone who is going to hit her. I wonder if he'd take such an explanaton seriously enough.... I can picture him trying to feed her the "I was just kidding" line and the "it just happened this one time, and it was your fault, you know I am not like this" line.
Recommended Posts