beachrosie Posted April 20, 2006 Posted April 20, 2006 I'm being very concerned because the MW (whom he is now seperated from) is staging things and saying I did it. He knows this not to be true because 1.) he knows me, and 2.) he was with me when this happened. I do not wish her unwell, but the many evil tactics she used on him, is now directed at me. She went to a lot of effort to "set this up", and he said it was strange listening to her, and seeing it, when he knew it was her trying to make me look bad. The situation is getting very strange, indeed. But he is very in love with me and does not want to go back, but forward. I'm just a little concerned though, as it might be a sign of mental illness or desperation.
whichwayisup Posted April 20, 2006 Posted April 20, 2006 It isn't mental illness. She is trying to make you look bad and hope that HER husband will come back to her. I don't blame her for wanting to break you two up as I'm sure she IS devistated and desparate. She isn't doing any good by her tactics though. The best way to deal with it is not to react at all. Don't be cruel to her, or make matters worse. She is really hurting and reacting right now. Can you blame her? I'm not saying be a friend to her or anything, but just be compassionate and understanding of what she is feeling. She's lost her husband to you. He can, however, deal with this on his own. No need for both of you to talk to her. Encourage him to openly discuss her actions and that it has to stop. The flipside of this, how much is it in your head that he will start feeling things for her again? Not that he'll believe what she says you're doing, but is it in the back of your head that he'll see things in a different light and want to go back home? I know you love him, but do you fully trust him 100%?
Author beachrosie Posted April 20, 2006 Author Posted April 20, 2006 It isn't mental illness. She is trying to make you look bad and hope that HER husband will come back to her. I don't blame her for wanting to break you two up as I'm sure she IS devistated and desparate. She isn't doing any good by her tactics though. The best way to deal with it is not to react at all. Don't be cruel to her, or make matters worse. She is really hurting and reacting right now. Can you blame her? I'm not saying be a friend to her or anything, but just be compassionate and understanding of what she is feeling. She's lost her husband to you. He can, however, deal with this on his own. No need for both of you to talk to her. Encourage him to openly discuss her actions and that it has to stop. The flipside of this, how much is it in your head that he will start feeling things for her again? Not that he'll believe what she says you're doing, but is it in the back of your head that he'll see things in a different light and want to go back home? I know you love him, but do you fully trust him 100%? I am not reacting to her at all. He did tell me about it right away though. Also, I would never be cruel to her or anyone for that matter. I wasn't the one that drove him away, it was her and her physical and verbal abuse. That is it. Perhaps his staying away has to do with me. I have no plans to ever talk to her. She has called me at work before also pretending to be my friend. I never called back. On the flipside, I don't think he has felt anything for her other than her being a family member in about 10 years. I'm pretty positive he doesn't want to go home because if he did, she would be there. She is not a nice person and has a reputation as being a maniac, and this is long before we became close. I do trust him, and believe he trusts me. Afterall, I could walk away from this anytime. There are many many fish in the sea, but there isn't anyone quite like him for me. I don't have any legal harnesses tying me to him. We are very simular thinkers, we love each other deeply, the same music, the same work ethic, the same desires and wishes. It is almost too hard to explain.
MazzyStar Posted April 20, 2006 Posted April 20, 2006 The situation is getting very strange, indeed. But he is very in love with me and does not want to go back, but forward. I'm just a little concerned though, as it might be a sign of mental illness or desperation. Wife here, again. No, I dont think it is menal illness, but yes maybe desperation is right. When you find your H with another woman, you cant believe what your mond does to you. If you have never been betrayed by your husband, you will never understand the impact it has on you! I had crazy things go through my mind, sometimes still do. This may be something she is doing to win him back, and you cant blame he in the least bit. If her Husband has not come out and said, "I dont love you. I am in love with another woman. I will immedialty be serving you with divorce papers, its over and I am moving out." If this is not the case, the wife has nothing other in her that her husband is still her husband, and she feels justified in doing whatever she can to keep him. If he has told her everything above, then give it some time. She is extremly hurt, betrayed, sad, depressed, everything rolled into one. She will either snap out of it, OR continue on. Her actions really do depend on what her husband is telling her. You cant say 100% what he does say unless you are always present during theor conversations, which I doubt. Just understand it comes from pain. You seem intelligent, you can understand that, cant you?
Guest Posted April 20, 2006 Posted April 20, 2006 I am not reacting to her at all. He did tell me about it right away though. Also, I would never be cruel to her or anyone for that matter. I wasn't the one that drove him away, it was her and her physical and verbal abuse. That is it. Perhaps his staying away has to do with me. On the flipside, I don't think he has felt anything for her other than her being a family member in about 10 years. I'm pretty positive he doesn't want to go home because if he did, she would be there. She is not a nice person and has a reputation as being a maniac, and this is long before we became close. I do trust him.. You can't blame the W for his reasons for having an A. She didn't put a gun to head and tell him to sleep with you. And you're only hearing HIS side of the story. He could be physically and verbally abusive to her too. You're so gullible and believe whatever the MM tells you. He makes himself look like a saint and the W is nothing but a psycho bitch. If she is so fricken bad why doesn't he D her? And I agree with WWIU 110%
whichwayisup Posted April 21, 2006 Posted April 21, 2006 Mazzy, that was a great post reply! And Guest, thank you! I am not reacting to her at all. He did tell me about it right away though. Also, I would never be cruel to her or anyone for that matter. I wasn't the one that drove him away, it was her and her physical and verbal abuse. That is it. Perhaps his staying away has to do with me. I agree with others, you've only heard HIS side of things. He hasn't "really" filled you in as much as you'd like. I don't know if it is your wording or if you do alot of assuming.....Please see your words in bold type... I have no plans to ever talk to her. She has called me at work before also pretending to be my friend. I never called back. Is it possible that she was trying to be friendly so she could just talk to you? Maybe even to just ask questions that she needed answers to, or even just to get some closure? On the flipside, I don't think he has felt anything for her other than her being a family member in about 10 years. I'm pretty positive he doesn't want to go home because if he did, she would be there. She is not a nice person and has a reputation as being a maniac, and this is long before we became close. Again, you are hearing HIS side of things. The wording hilighted in BOLD is interesting. You don't "think" he has felt anything for her. You are "pretty positive" that he doesn't wanna go home etc... Has he actually discussed this with you? Or is it wishful thinking? And, if she wasn't a nice person and she was manic, WHY on earth did he marry her? People don't just change and become "not nice" or all of sudden become "manic"...Well, they do, but there's a reason. My best guess is, he's been lying to you for SO long, he believes his own lies and has completely convinced you as well. She has a reputation of being manic? Like depressed, obsessed doing crazy things? Or reacting to what HE is doing. That is what has caused her to lash out and react to begin with from day one. I do trust him, and believe he trusts me. Afterall, I could walk away from this anytime. There are many many fish in the sea, but there isn't anyone quite like him for me. I don't have any legal harnesses tying me to him. We are very simular thinkers, we love each other deeply, the same music, the same work ethic, the same desires and wishes. It is almost too hard to explain. DO not trust him 100%! If you do, you're a fool. He is and has been lying to her for a long time. Don't kid yourself into believing he hasn't ever lied to you! The real test of your relationship will be when the marriage is over, he moves in with you and life begins. All that hiding and passionate intense stuff will disappear because it will be a "real" live relationship out in the open. Hopefully the love you both feel for eachother is real enough to make it work and last. The test is afew years down the road if you two have relationship problems ...Trust will be an issue. How could it not be?
Blind Illusion Posted April 21, 2006 Posted April 21, 2006 I would say to continue as you were doing then. I agree that the woman is hurting and there is really no need to become viscious back. And, it seems like you aren't. Whether or not its HIS side of the story has yet to be seen. Irregardless, you are still taking the high road and acting dignified.
Author beachrosie Posted April 21, 2006 Author Posted April 21, 2006 You can't blame the W for his reasons for having an A. She didn't put a gun to head and tell him to sleep with you. And you're only hearing HIS side of the story. He could be physically and verbally abusive to her too. You're so gullible and believe whatever the MM tells you. He makes himself look like a saint and the W is nothing but a psycho bitch. If she is so fricken bad why doesn't he D her? And I agree with WWIU 110% He is not physically or verbally abusive to her at all. Never, and I absolutely know this. And, no, again, I am NOT only hearing his side of the story...NOT AT ALL. She definitely has mental problems if she is staging events trying to get him to think it is me. It doesn't matter if she is hurt or just unintelligent...this is just another part of her series of driving him away. They are seperated and he is filing for divorce. Also, she had an affair several months ago in front of their son. O, and this didn't come from him either.
Author beachrosie Posted April 21, 2006 Author Posted April 21, 2006 I would say to continue as you were doing then. I agree that the woman is hurting and there is really no need to become viscious back. And, it seems like you aren't. Whether or not its HIS side of the story has yet to be seen. Irregardless, you are still taking the high road and acting dignified. I have been and in no way would I ever do anything back. I never ever ever said at anytime that I wanted to do anything at all. The reason that I put it on here was because I found it disturbing. I feel bad only because the instability is hurting everyone.
Author beachrosie Posted April 21, 2006 Author Posted April 21, 2006 He hasn't "really" filled you in as much as you'd like. I don't know if it is your wording or if you do alot of assuming.....Please see your words in bold type... I am not sure what you are talking about "filled me in". Is it possible that she was trying to be friendly so she could just talk to you? Maybe even to just ask questions that she needed answers to, or even just to get some closure? No it is not possible. She is not trying to get closure, she is trying to get information about him and what he is doing. They are seperated and he has never told her he is with me or is in love with me. He keeps telling her we are friends, and we really are best friends. Again, you are hearing HIS side of things. The wording hilighted in BOLD is interesting. You don't "think" he has felt anything for her. You are "pretty positive" that he doesn't wanna go home etc... Has he actually discussed this with you? Or is it wishful thinking? Of course, we talk abou it every day. Wishful thinking? On his part? Why wouldn't he want to be with me when his other life has been horrible for so long? His family is so happy he met me because I bring him happiness. Your comment did make me laugh though. And, if she wasn't a nice person and she was manic, WHY on earth did he marry her? Because she was pregnant. People don't just change and become "not nice" or all of sudden become "manic". She has never been nice, so what is your point? .. Well, they do, but there's a reason. My best guess is, Guess? he's been lying to you for SO long, he believes his own lies and has completely convinced you as well. So long? We only started dating 8 months ago, and he moved out 2 months ago. He isn't lying either. Have you been lied to a lot and that is why you are saying all this? Did your husband leave you for another woman? She has a reputation of being manic? Like depressed, obsessed doing crazy things? Yes, all on her own, without him even being the object of her rage. Or reacting to what HE is doing. Is bad behavior ever acceptable, no matter what anyone does to us? Ever?? That is what has caused her to lash out and react to begin with from day one. DO not trust him 100%! If you do, you're a fool. He is my best friend and was before we became lovers. he hasn't ever lied to you! He has not been lying to her for a long time either. I'm not sure where you getting this. The only thing he is lying about is that he and are still plationic The real test of your relationship will be when the marriage is over, he moves in with you and life begins. I know all about tests, but thank you. All that hiding and passionate intense stuff will disappear because it will be a "real" live relationship out in the open. It already is...so what's your point. Hopefully the love you both feel for eachother is real enough to make it work and last. The test is afew years down the road if you two have relationship problems ...Trust will be an issue. How could it not be? It appears that you might have trust issues? No? Of course it would last, because we care enough for each other and really want to be together.
Art_Critic Posted April 21, 2006 Posted April 21, 2006 It appears that you might have trust issues? No? Of course it would last, because we care enough for each other and really want to be together. .........
2sunny Posted April 21, 2006 Posted April 21, 2006 ......... AC- your signature is cracking me up! and the answer to the latter half is most definitely YES! :lmao:
whichwayisup Posted April 21, 2006 Posted April 21, 2006 I am not going to reply to any of your posts anymore. You're not willing to even open your eyes and see what is really going on. And no, I'm not an OW or a betrayed spouse. Go read a bunch of other posts in this section. I think you'll maybe then understand what I'm talking about. You are just SO convinced that he has NEVER lied to you or hidden anything from you......I'm just saying ...... Anyway, it's YOUR life. You have control too, so don't let him decide what's best for both of you.
Author beachrosie Posted April 21, 2006 Author Posted April 21, 2006 I am not going to reply to any of your posts anymore. You're not willing to even open your eyes and see what is really going on. And no, I'm not an OW or a betrayed spouse. Go read a bunch of other posts in this section. I think you'll maybe then understand what I'm talking about. You are just SO convinced that he has NEVER lied to you or hidden anything from you......I'm just saying ...... Anyway, it's YOUR life. You have control too, so don't let him decide what's best for both of you. ?? What does any of what you said have to do with her staging events pretending it was me? When is bad behavior ever acceptable? To be more in lines with what you are saying, A "person" can cause physical and mental harm to another, heck even murder, because someone else didn't treat them exactly right? He is not deciding what is best for both of us. I don't think I ever mentioned that either. Thanks for your reply though...it's been interesting.
serial muse Posted April 21, 2006 Posted April 21, 2006 She definitely has mental problems if she is staging events trying to get him to think it is me.. rosie - can you be more specific about this? What has she pretended you've done? And how did you find out about it? You've said before that you're not just hearing it from him, so I'm guessing either his friends or family members have confided in you...?
zarathustra Posted April 21, 2006 Posted April 21, 2006 I'm being very concerned because the MW (whom he is now seperated from) is staging things and saying I did it. He knows this not to be true because 1.) he knows me, and 2.) he was with me when this happened. I do not wish her unwell, but the many evil tactics she used on him, is now directed at me. She went to a lot of effort to "set this up", and he said it was strange listening to her, and seeing it, when he knew it was her trying to make me look bad. The situation is getting very strange, indeed. But he is very in love with me and does not want to go back, but forward. I'm just a little concerned though, as it might be a sign of mental illness or desperation. Do you really care about what she's saying about you? How does what she is saying or doing impacting your life? You already said that he's not paying attention to it and that he knows things that she's saying is not true. So does all of this really matter? They all make the W look like some crazy psycho bitch. In some instances, its true and in some it isn't. But look, she's hurting. Her husband is sleeping with you while still married to her. In reality, what has your MM done to make things work with her? If he didn't want to work on it anymore, why did he go and screw around without letting her go first? If she was violent towards him, how come he didn't take the kids and leave and report her to the authorities? It takes two to make a marriage work. From what I have learnt from my own parents and in my own marriage, when a marriage is bad, its not only one person's fault. My take on this is that if the people who are important around you believe in you, then you shouldn't care what his W is doing.
Jessie61 Posted April 21, 2006 Posted April 21, 2006 My take on this is that if the people who are important around you believe in you, then you shouldn't care what his W is doing. I agree...
Author beachrosie Posted April 21, 2006 Author Posted April 21, 2006 rosie - can you be more specific about this? What has she pretended you've done? And how did you find out about it? You've said before that you're not just hearing it from him, so I'm guessing either his friends or family members have confided in you...? Yes, I am hearing it from other family members as well. I will email you what it is, for my own protection.
Author beachrosie Posted April 21, 2006 Author Posted April 21, 2006 Do you really care about what she's saying about you? How does what she is saying or doing impacting your life? You already said that he's not paying attention to it and that he knows things that she's saying is not true. So does all of this really matter? Maybe I care a little because she has called people at my job. He does know it is untrue, but I was very surprised at the amount of effort to do something so dumb. They all make the W look like some crazy psycho bitch. It isn't only him that has witnessed her wrath. In some instances, its true and in some it isn't. But look, she's hurting. Her husband is sleeping with you while still married to her. She really has no proof of that. He tells her we are friends. In reality, what has your MM done to make things work with her? He went to counseling, he made her rich. I don't know...what else. If he didn't want to work on it anymore, why did he go and screw around without letting her go first? He didn't think he had the strength to leave. If she was violent towards him, how come he didn't take the kids and leave and report her to the authorities? I know for a fact this is true. I guess he thought he could fix everything, just as he always has, just as many victims of abuse do. It takes two to make a marriage work. From what I have learnt from my own parents and in my own marriage, when a marriage is bad, its not only one person's fault. I know this to be totally true. My take on this is that if the people who are important around you believe in you, then you shouldn't care what his W is doing. I know you are right. It's just that she brought it up again to a mutual friend. Thank you for the post
mopar crazy Posted April 21, 2006 Posted April 21, 2006 She really has no proof of that. He tells her we are friends. [/i] beachrosie, I didn't have actual proof of my H's A either. Both him and the exOW told me they were just friends. Stupid me believed it for a little bit until more and more ppl were telling me they were having an A. I didn't have proof then either but when you hear the same story from two or three other ppl who work with my H and the exOW. Even the exOW own H came to see me and he is where I got more of the facts. His W knows something is going on and if she doesn't know the whole truth she will find out, eventually. As for him not being physically and verbally abusive H exOW had no clue my H was verbally and physically abusive in the past either. We have worked on those issues and have gotten through them. And as for the W, maybe she suffers from depression, or bi-polar and this is her reason for her outburst. Just b/c the W is a psycho bitch doesn't give him the green light to have an A.
crazy_grl Posted April 21, 2006 Posted April 21, 2006 She really has no proof of that. He tells her we are friends. I don't really wanna get too involved in this thread, but I can't think of anything more hurtful and frustrating than being lied to by someone you care about. Sure she has no proof, the woman probably has common sense and can tell when her husband is lying. If you think about it from her POV, not only is her husband sleeping with another woman, he doesn't even respect her enough to be honest about it. I think lying about these types of things only makes the situation worse.
whichwayisup Posted April 21, 2006 Posted April 21, 2006 Did he ever get her help? Get her on medication? Try to be supportive? Seems to me like he ran away from the meaning of the words in his vows he said to her on THEIR wedding day. If he had problems and didn't want to work them out he should have divorced her sooner. Nope, instead he decided to keep her and then go have an affair. HE took the easy way out.
Author beachrosie Posted April 21, 2006 Author Posted April 21, 2006 I certainly do not want to hurt anyone. But, we found each other quite by accident and cannot go back and undo it. He did get her to a doctor only yesterday, and that is where he told her and the doctor that he has deep feelings for another woman. This happened yesterday. So he is speaking the truth, and he has to go back with her to the doctor next week. He is not leaving her carrying the barrell so to speak. If she does think we are sleeping together, and they are seperated, why do you suppose she would want him back? Our relationship is so much more than sexual...it came much later.
whichwayisup Posted April 21, 2006 Posted April 21, 2006 He should have gotten her help a long time ago, not just now so he can get a divorce! So he's speaking the truth now. And her world is crumbling down. Separated doesn't make a difference in her mind either. Why would she want him back? Are you serious? Hello, it's her husband! The man who she loves. Ofcourse she will do all that is necessary to try to get him back. He is leaving her carrying the barrell as she has to go through this ALONE.
Author beachrosie Posted April 21, 2006 Author Posted April 21, 2006 He should have gotten her help a long time ago, not just now so he can get a divorce! So he's speaking the truth now. And her world is crumbling down. Separated doesn't make a difference in her mind either. He did get her help a long time ago. (??) At least he is speaking the truth. Her world is hardly crumbling. If you knew this person you wouldn't be suggesting that she is feeble. Why would she want him back? Are you serious? Yes, of course. Hello, it's her husband! So? He cheated on her and is in love with another woman and not her. The man who she loves. Ofcourse she will do all that is necessary to try to get him back. There is a lot of money involved, and it is obviousy a bigger concern than her husband. He is leaving her carrying the barrell as she has to go through this ALONE. Alone? How is she going through it alone? I never said he was running off completely. He is not like that at all. If he was, I wouldn't be with him Not all people are victims.
Recommended Posts