Chinook Posted April 20, 2006 Posted April 20, 2006 ... and the thing that you lost... the potential, the love, the warmth, the hope. I do this thing where each day, when I'm down... instead of focusing upon how he hurt me, I try to think of one single thing which was positive about what he gave me, or qualities in him which I admire - things which I can use and take forward and not leave behind along with the pain. I try to think of qualities that I would like to include in myself as a person... because that person is going to become a Mom one day (who knows, we can hope right?) and I want to see qualities in myself which have a positive influence on my future children and the shaping of their lives. See, I believe that we are shaped by our experiences and our ways of dealing with these experiences. Positive experiences will shape us positively and negative ones, negatively - unless we seek out the positive in them purposely. Does this make sense..? Anyhow, I find it helpful to do this - so I thought maybe I'd post it and see if you guys might too. [Disclaimer: I don't have any kids yet - but the principle can also apply for a positive future too]
CaliGuy Posted April 20, 2006 Posted April 20, 2006 Good post. When I am down what I do is focus on the bad things about that person and why I am better off not being with them. Yes, there are a couple positive things I got from her (mostly what I will or will not put up with in a relationship) but for the most part I do recognize she wasn't meeting my needs as much as I wasn't meeting hers.
Author Chinook Posted April 20, 2006 Author Posted April 20, 2006 So the positive thing that came out of that for you then, is that you learned to recognise what those needs were right..? Because not alot of people instinctively know what their needs are only what they are not!!
CaliGuy Posted April 20, 2006 Posted April 20, 2006 So the positive thing that came out of that for you then, is that you learned to recognise what those needs were right..? Because not alot of people instinctively know what their needs are only what they are not!! Understanding what my needs are has been a big part of my progress. I will never know who the right woman is for me if I don't understand who *I* am first
Author Chinook Posted April 20, 2006 Author Posted April 20, 2006 So, by default... your ex really has shaped the person you can truly become and in reality, she's really helped you to prepare yourself for a bright future. That's a real gift in my opinion - even if she (or you) don't realise that it was given.
shelters Posted April 20, 2006 Posted April 20, 2006 I try to think of qualities that I would like to include in myself as a person... because that person is going to become a Mom one day (who knows, we can hope right?) and I want to see qualities in myself which have a positive influence on my future children and the shaping of their lives. [Disclaimer: I don't have any kids yet - but the principle can also apply for a positive future too] I totally get that. If I am having a tough moment I sometimes stop and think of how I would handle the sitution if I were a Mom and had little eyes looking up at me... learning from every action I take & from how I treat myself and others. Also, I don't know how to do two quote's but CG's post a couple below reminded of me of one of my favorite Ayn Rand lines: To say 'I love you' one must first know how to say the 'I'.
KittenMoon Posted April 20, 2006 Posted April 20, 2006 For some reason this forum title sounds like the first line of some sort of musical number....
Author Chinook Posted April 20, 2006 Author Posted April 20, 2006 Yep, like one of the old jazz-blues things!
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