KittenMoon Posted April 20, 2006 Posted April 20, 2006 Beware, venting. I feel totally icky this morning. Tonight my ex will be going to a concert w/ his attention whore b*tch friend. This concert was the last thing we fought about before the break-up. They had decided to go and asked me to go, but I wanted to check my schedule and see who the opening bands were before I commited to going. I was also miffed that I hasn't been consulted first on the concert- that he just decided to go with her before asking me and when I had made it clear several times prior to that I didn't like that it seemed he was treating me second class to her. So when they asked me I asked for a day to check it out and he just KEPT bugging me about it, saying I needed to decide this weekend, make sure you tell us this weekend, etc etc as if I was deaf and dumb. I snapped at him at least once, after the third time it was made clear to me I had to tell them THIS weekend. Arg. I hate having stuff repeated to me over and over. (In addition, we had just left seeing Brokeback Mountain and I was still choking back tears, which just magnified the whole thing) In addition, during the week my ex took to think about whether he wanted to stay with me or not, he bought tickets to this concert- three of them. He told me this because he said he just couldn't make up his mind what to do about us. Well, you can see how it turned out. So today is going to be rreally rough for me I know. I hope he has a lousy time. I hope they couldn't find a third person to use the ticket. I hope he got stuck with the cost of all three tix (because his attention whore "friend" takes advantge of his nice guy-ness at every turn). I hope just having a third person there who is not me reminds him of what happened, and who the third ticket was originally for. Tired of getting sadder and sadder.
TeaCooler Posted April 20, 2006 Posted April 20, 2006 i'm confused. is something missing from this story?
Chinook Posted April 20, 2006 Posted April 20, 2006 Kitten, it will get easier.. once the 'we should have done this' or 'we were going to do this' things are out of the way. I too had a bad setback a couple weeks ago. You recall the eclipse..? Well, the last time one hit the UK was 2000 and we drove all through the night to be right on the spot where it hit (it was cloudy anyways). We slept in the car and we were really, REALLY excited to see this HUGE thing together that we were going to be able to tell our (future) kids about. In the following days, we found out that the next eclipse would be in Africa in 2006. We said absolutely and without doubt "we're going to be there". So, recently when all the pix came out in the papers... jeesh, I don't know how I held myself together that day.
alphamale Posted April 20, 2006 Posted April 20, 2006 takes advantge of his nice guy-ness at every turn. he must be nice guy if he went to go see that movie Breakneck Mountain. I would never go see that, not with ANY woman (well...maybe Pam Anderson could get me to go )
Author KittenMoon Posted April 20, 2006 Author Posted April 20, 2006 Kitten, it will get easier.. once the 'we should have done this' or 'we were going to do this' things are out of the way. I too had a bad setback a couple weeks ago. You recall the eclipse..? Well, the last time one hit the UK was 2000 and we drove all through the night to be right on the spot where it hit (it was cloudy anyways). We slept in the car and we were really, REALLY excited to see this HUGE thing together that we were going to be able to tell our (future) kids about. In the following days, we found out that the next eclipse would be in Africa in 2006. We said absolutely and without doubt "we're going to be there". So, recently when all the pix came out in the papers... jeesh, I don't know how I held myself together that day. It's just especially tough because even after we fought about it, he still got me a ticket. He was at least considering us being together. And instead he's going with HER, who I more or less hate, and who is mental beyond belief and not a very good friend to have. he must be nice guy if he went to go see that movie Breakneck Mountain. I would never go see that, not with ANY woman (well...maybe Pam Anderson could get me to go ) I think he's got the Caliguy-diagnosed "Nice Guy Syndrome". He wants to make everyone happy, etc. Dammit, I know I should miss him as much as I do, but I can't help it. I don't want live my life w/o him- he was a perfect compliment to me. Both our positive and negative personality points complemented each other. I'm not putting him on a pedestal though- all I have to do is think of one of the painfully insensitive things he said to me and I realize, if that's how little empathy he has, then I shouldn't be with him. >sigh< Stupid day.
Chinook Posted April 20, 2006 Posted April 20, 2006 All I have to do is think of one of the painfully insensitive things he said to me and I realize, if that's how little empathy he has, then I shouldn't be with him Actually, short term that's a little helpful. Long term, maybe not so helpful. Try and think of the positive things he gave you too. Not the loving things, or the sweet things, positive and constructive. That is look out the negative stuff and think about the positive things in them. For you. Example: when I was getting treated, my ex said to me, 'please don't take your hat off, I don't want to remember you with no hair'. For a long time I seethed with anger over it. I was appalled that he could be so stupid and so insensitive and so bloody callous. He's also a boy and by default, an eejit. I realised the girl translation should have been 'please don't take your hat off because I'd like to recall even during treatment that you are beautiful'. Everyone who touches our lives, gives us something positive, whether they mean to or not, or whether they see it or not. You just have to find it.
Author KittenMoon Posted April 20, 2006 Author Posted April 20, 2006 Everyone who touches our lives, gives us something positive, whether they mean to or not, or whether they see it or not. You just have to find it. My ex gave me a lot, I know that. But I'm not at a point where I can forgive him yet. What's really stuck in my head right now is something I said to him during the break up. I said to him in the course of something, i forget the exact context: "...but you said I was your match." He said this too me, not particularly long ago, while sitting in his car, in my driveway. His response? He snickered and said "I never said that!" I could have thrown up right there. He DID say it. No question. He said it from the heart. It was a beautiful memory and he crushed it without any thought. He was always forgetting things he said, even just minutes before. Drove me nuts, but this time it practically skewered me.
Chinook Posted April 20, 2006 Posted April 20, 2006 My ex gave me a lot, I know that. But I'm not at a point where I can forgive him yet. You don't need to forgive him hun. This looking for the positives is about healing yourself and taking the nice things forwards with you. In fact, it's probably only realistic that you can forgive after that. I could have thrown up right there. He DID say it. No question. He said it from the heart. It was a beautiful memory and he crushed it without any thought. He was always forgetting things he said, even just minutes before. Drove me nuts, but this time it practically skewered me. Yep. But the fact still remains that he DID say it. You know he did. Therefore he has given you a positive memory of that, irrespective of what he says later. Hang on to the good stuff and let the bad stuff go.
Author KittenMoon Posted April 20, 2006 Author Posted April 20, 2006 We used to joke about keeping a tape-recorder running during our conversations and arguements. Our friends thought it was funny, but after a while and seeing a few arguements, I think they actually understood why. He really can say one thing, mean it, say the contrary thing 5 min later, mean that.... it's pretty messed up. But it also made me feel insignificant because he couldn't even be bothered to care or remember what was said to me. Sometimes it still just won't sink in that I've lost him. I want to accept this, in its entirety, but something won't let me.
Chinook Posted April 20, 2006 Posted April 20, 2006 Sometimes it still just won't sink in that I've lost him. I want to accept this, in its entirety, but something won't let me. I know. I wish I could say I don't know how you feel but I do. That's the sad thing when you love someone, you forgive all their failings and idiosyncrasies as well as accepting all their love and attention. It's hard because without doing those things, you can't really say that you love them. So when it comes to taking it back, or moving on from it, it's really hard to undo that acceptance. It will take time but it can happen. I hope so anyway. Cos I need it to happen too. [sigh]
Author KittenMoon Posted April 20, 2006 Author Posted April 20, 2006 I hate this because I am still "tied" to him. He still, as far as I know, has NOT dropped off my stuff at our friend's house even though he indicated to me that he had it three weeks ago (our friends live 5 min from him, he passes their road regularly, etc). I will probably have to see him next month at a wedding, so I have sick anticipation of that. I feel like until these things are over... I'm still stuck in a limbo.
Chinook Posted April 20, 2006 Posted April 20, 2006 Oh hey, I know exactly how you feel! I'm still living in the house that the two of us bought..!! I can't afford to move out and sell it and I know that at some point in the future we're going to have to go down that road but I'm hoping that I'll be in a much better place by then. I don't think I have to see him for any reason but he does still keep emailing me - but I told him more forcefully on Thursday not to do so any longer.
CaliGuy Posted April 20, 2006 Posted April 20, 2006 I think he's got the Caliguy-diagnosed "Nice Guy Syndrome". He wants to make everyone happy, etc. The thing about most nice guys is they are actually very passive-aggressive. They are nice because they want something and when they don't get it they can be very, very mean.
Author KittenMoon Posted April 20, 2006 Author Posted April 20, 2006 The thing about most nice guys is they are actually very passive-aggressive. They are nice because they want something and when they don't get it they can be very, very mean. Or viciously stupid and insensitive.
Chinook Posted April 20, 2006 Posted April 20, 2006 They are nice because they want something and when they don't get it they can be very, very mean. Yeah, and even some of them who don't get it... whilst actually being very mean about things, can appear to be very nice. Take the guy I was recently dating... he decided (despite being told I wasn't into a long term commitment yet) that he would propose to me. Instantly I knew that I couldn't do it... couldn't get married and couldn't stay with him. Why? Because he made it plain and evident that he wanted something I didn't. So I ended it. Since ending things the guy has emailed me several times to tell me (and my friends) how evil I am by being all lovely and caring one minute and dumping him the next. He omitted the detail of why, in addition to which he cast himself as the victim. Classic passive-aggressive behaviour. I blocked his email.
Author KittenMoon Posted April 20, 2006 Author Posted April 20, 2006 My ex IS a nice guy. And he's not nice just because he wants something. But he does have trouble with resistance to his opinions (which strangely he doesn't generally have too many of), criticism of how he does things, and he has the inability to argue maturely. Intellectually and ambitiously, he 26. Emotionally, he's 16. So...freakin...frustrating. And I just pigged out on a whole Twix bar. arg. Those ten pounds I lost are going tp be back any day now...
alphamale Posted April 20, 2006 Posted April 20, 2006 Intellectually and ambitiously, he 26. Emotionally, he's 16.... what do you want KM? he's 26. he is still a kid, he doesn't know crap! In my book a 26 yr old is not far ahead of a 16 yr old. People really don't mature fully until they hit their mid-30s or even later.
Author KittenMoon Posted April 20, 2006 Author Posted April 20, 2006 what do you want KM? he's 26. he is still a kid, he doesn't know crap! In my book a 26 yr old is not far ahead of a 16 yr old. People really don't mature fully until they hit their mid-30s or even later. Personally, I think everyone looks back on the people younger than them and thinks aren't as mature as they are now, which is probably true. What do I want? Easy: That person to mature with.
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