kindredspirit Posted April 20, 2006 Posted April 20, 2006 Yesterday, I smsed my ex 3 times cause I didn't get a reply, only to call him and hear him say that his phone was running out of credit and that he couldn't talk, and then I cried my eyes out AGAIN. My ex and I were best friends before we got together. It's been 8 months since we broke up, and he's moved to another country. I still think about him ALL the time and some days I still cry myself to sleep (hence yesterday's episode). I tried the NC rule twice, only to find myself taking it back and trying to be friends again. I hate feeling so needy and pathetic but sometimes I just can't help myself. I know all the reasonable, rationale things I'm supposed to do - I know that I shouldn't settle for crumbs by being his friend when I still have feelings for him and am hoping for something that can never happen. And everytime we talk or are on Messenger, he's always the first one who has to go and it kills me everytime. The other day, he said there was "stuff" going on in his life which "he couldn't reveal to me that day." WTF???!!! And I obviously spent the entire weekend obsessing about what that meant. Now he's moved on with his life which doesn't include me, and I'm still stuck trying to figure out why I can't let go. Sometimes the worst part is he does the friend thing too well - going on as if we shared nothing at all. I keep reaching out to him and trying to do nice things for him only to feel as if I'm banging my head against a wall over and over again. Actually, as I type this I can see how ridiculous I am, I should move on too. But he was my life. The thing is, I can honestly say that he is a good friend - he just can't give me what I really want from him. So I guess my question is, is it worth it to try and remain friends with your best friend who is now your ex? Anyway, thanks to all for listening. It's been therapeutic for me to write this all down, and maybe there will come a day when I won't think about my ex and die inside.
johan Posted April 20, 2006 Posted April 20, 2006 ...So I guess my question is, is it worth it to try and remain friends with your best friend who is now your ex? ... and maybe there will come a day when I won't think about my ex and die inside. No. Friendship is not worth it if you cared about the relationship you had. It's fine if you both are happy it ended.
Author kindredspirit Posted April 20, 2006 Author Posted April 20, 2006 Thanks. Will try repeating that to myself daily, and hopefully one day I'll come to my senses.
Yamaha Posted April 20, 2006 Posted April 20, 2006 Friendship is not worth the pain you endure still holding on to hope. You need to let him go and stay out of each other lives. Just remember your friendship but do not try to stay in contact. Another person should never be your life; They should enhance your life.
Author kindredspirit Posted April 20, 2006 Author Posted April 20, 2006 You are right, of course, Yamaha. As long I'm still holding on to hope i will continue hurting...
In Sync Posted April 20, 2006 Posted April 20, 2006 I am of the mindset that thinks this friendship can not continue without bringing you pain. Period. You two were too close, as bf/gf that maintaining trying to feign friendsip is just that feigning pretending because you are holding back your feelings for him. So in effect to be with him you have to keep the desire out of the mix and deny your need to be more when you hear his voice or are with him. To me this creates more pain and anguish. I know people think NC is hardcore and doesn't apply bu I haev yet to read a post/personal story where I'm convinced complete NC is not the best coping tool. Yes you want to be able to be friends but every contact is a reminder that it's not going back to that and if your ex is adament about the breakup what do you do wait around until they possibly change their minds? I remembered I tried to do this with my ex and it bought more pain on for me. By not gracefully walking away I drew out the heartache and clung to false hope...it was so not worth it.
Author kindredspirit Posted April 20, 2006 Author Posted April 20, 2006 Thanks so much for responding. That is so true. In fact, the stupid rational moron that he is actually told me once that i always look as if i want more when we hang out - and he also said that if i was really a friend i wouldn't mind hanging out with him and a group of friends instead of just him alone. I am hanging on to miserable scraps of his time. I guess part of me is also just so mad that he gets to move to another country to start a whole new life, while I am stuck in the same rut, which I know is my fault. Listening to you guys, i have just deleted him from my Messenger contact list (even tho part of me is still hoping he'll be on today - sigh). I actually deleted his number from my mobile before (since it's the new country one i didn't want to memorize it) but i still look it up again to SMS him! It is so not worth it - but sometimes i think i am addicted to the pain.
neiu Posted April 20, 2006 Posted April 20, 2006 honestly, 8 months, he's moved on and in another country, what are you holding onto? To me theres not much to hold on to. I'm sure that he was an awesome person and friend but I think still trying to be friends with someone who you wish was more than that isn't going to work. You're putting your whole life on hold for someone who clearly doesn't see you with him in his life, is it really worth it? Cut the ties and live your life. Sure maybe one day down the road you will be friends again, but right now you are not at the right stage mentally and emotionally to take that on. Who knows, you could be stopping yourself from actually finding someone else that will mean the world to you. Remember, he is and was not your life. You become needy and boring and no one likes that. Really i think you miss what you had with him. You remember him as how he was and the great things you both shared and still think of him as how he was, but what about now? Do you still share those moments? Does he treat you the same way?Heck he doesn't even have time for you or even makes an effort to try and talk to you. Now you tell me, would a true friend do that to you and then you tell me if it's still worth being friends with him. I know i wouldn't want to be friends with someone who didn't show some effort. I've been there, trying to be friends, trying to win my ex back. Then one day I finally realized that I was being ridiculous. I was getting nothing in return for the amount of effort I was putting in and I got sick of it and said no more. It took me 8 months to realize that and decided to take the NC route for good this time. 4 months since doing NC and I'm a new person. Dating other people, living my life and just happy overall. Yeah NC is going to suck hard in the beginning cause all you think about is what they're doing and if you do NC then they might forget about you then you can't be friends. Or maybe you want to know if they're seeing someone, generally you do it out of habit and because you still care. Just stop. Take it day by day and do things that make you happy. Or just do things to keep yourself occupied. People don't forget, trust me. Once you start dating someone again, the ex somehow finds out and magically reappears but by that time you won't even care cause you will be happy with the person you're with. If anything the ex can become quite the annoyance but thats why you keep the NC if they come off a bit insane. Anyway, if you keep with the NC sooner or later the feelings you had will soon fade which is what you need. The first 2 weeks always seem to be the hardest but you keep going and then from weeks it becomes months and then you'll be fine. You will be ok as long as go NC.
Author kindredspirit Posted April 20, 2006 Author Posted April 20, 2006 I really needed someone to say all this to me - it's good reading all the posts, but even better when someone responds to yours personally - i really feel as if i now have something that i can turn to when i'm going nuts. Yes, it's been too long and i have been losing so much of myself in this process. You keep remembering the good times and don't see what the person and the relationship has become. so thank you again for this - i will keep re-reading this whenever i am tempted to become his best friend again.
Author kindredspirit Posted April 20, 2006 Author Posted April 20, 2006 what do you do when your thoughts are constantly on your ex? Besides trying to keep busy, i was wondering whether there are any suggestions on what you can do when thoughts about your ex constantly pop into your head. Like should you pinch yourself? or say a mantra? or write in a journal every time a thought crosses your mind - but i suppose this would get tiresome! You know how your mind constantly plays loops about the good times you have shared etc. etc. etc. and before you know it you are upset all over again. now that i'm trying to start NC (although i'm STILL hoping he will sms me today CRAP), any suggestions would be greatly appreciated
ReluctantRomeo Posted April 20, 2006 Posted April 20, 2006 what do you do when your thoughts are constantly on your ex? You know how your mind constantly plays loops about the good times you have shared etc. etc. etc. and before you know it you are upset all over again. Well, the fun distraction thing is a good one. Another is to schedule half an hour a day to actually think about your ex - when they come into your head at other times you don't indulge it, you save your thoughts for the scheduled time. One thing that really helped me was perspective. Reminding myself that thoughts and feelings about the ex are perfectly natural. But without feeding they will slowly die. And over time they did.
Author kindredspirit Posted April 20, 2006 Author Posted April 20, 2006 i will give the scheduling thing a try. half an hour is definitely better than the whole day.
littlekitty Posted April 20, 2006 Posted April 20, 2006 What RR suggested is actually a good trick! If you deal with your feelings, you'll get over it a lot quicker than if you try to shut them out. Set aside time to get wailing out of your system, rather than giving yourself an open-ended invitation to wallow. A useful technique is to allow yourself half an hour or an hour every day to think about what has happened and let the bad feelings out. At the outset it won't seem like nearly enough. After a couple of weeks, you'll find your mind wandering before your allotted time is over. Accepting that it's over is a vital step in moving on. Nourishing fantasies of getting back together only prolongs the pain. The whole 'why me' trip is pointless. It is inevitable that you are going to have bad experiences: it is part of the human condition, rather than some global conspiracy to make you miserable.
In Sync Posted April 20, 2006 Posted April 20, 2006 what do you do when your thoughts are constantly on your ex? Besides trying to keep busy, i was wondering whether there are any suggestions on what you can do when thoughts about your ex constantly pop into your head. Like should you pinch yourself? or say a mantra? or write in a journal every time a thought crosses your mind - but i suppose this would get tiresome! You know how your mind constantly plays loops about the good times you have shared etc. etc. etc. and before you know it you are upset all over again. now that i'm trying to start NC (although i'm STILL hoping he will sms me today CRAP), any suggestions would be greatly appreciated Please don't beat yourself for thinking about him alot. It's a natural process especially I think while maintaining NC. You were/ are in love with someone. Your feelings ran deep. The relationship ended but that did cut your emotional state for him. So instead of fighting and resisting or Pinching? (Yikes!) Be with your feelings and thoughts. Of course if you start having hallucinations then we might need to consider alternative methods... Your heart and mind are linked together in this healing period. Your thoughts are merely heping you move along. Processing the info, the memory how you felt at the time and learning from it. Next thought comes and the same thing again. It's a long cycle and you will get through it. Because you have that many memories that resurface. Don't fight it...allow it. Try writing in a journal. Put it all out there your feelings. Let it flow until you are exhausted. Naturally keep yourself occupied with work, or an activity that gives you pleasure. You are human with a senstive heart, remind yourself there is nothing wrong for thinking about a person you loved but be even prouder of yourself for taking strides in making efforts to heal yourself at the same time.
Author kindredspirit Posted April 20, 2006 Author Posted April 20, 2006 i always thought that there must come a day when i'd get exhausted from or bored about thinking the same things over and over again, but it doesn't seem to be happening. that's why i wanna try not being with these thoughts anymore - but you're right - definitely no pinching haha. it's stupid - there are no new good memories, the last good ones are from months ago, and yet my mind remains fixated on him. he, on the other hand, is obviously not sitting down and moping. Yesterday when i was mad at him for not responding i sent him an sms saying that he's terrible for not responding and that i won't sms anymore (very mature i know) and now i just want to sms him to ask him to go online - but i WON'T. anyway, i apologize for just going on and babbling, at least if i'm doing this i'm not trying to contact him, and that can only be a good thing. thanks again for reading all this and taking the time to respond. it really means a lot
Recommended Posts