silentcharon Posted April 20, 2006 Posted April 20, 2006 Okay. This is going to be a very long post. I've been lurking here for a while, you guessed it, because I wanted to get some insights on my ex. I dated him for about seven years, (high school sweethearts), we broke up in February- he said he wanted time to find himself, because it's always been "us", not me or him. That is understandable, so I told him he could do what he needed to. Of course, my heart is shattered in pieces, this is the guy I've been with for so long, through so many things- high school, college and everything. Prior to the break up, I've been "comfortably numb", where I'm not experiencing new things or anything, I'm just there. I never wanted to go out, all I wanted to do was paint (I'm an artist), read and lie down in the sun room. Friends and family had a hard time getting me to go out, my ex included. I used to be very outgoing, I loved going hiking, biking and all that, but for some reason all of that stopped about two years ago. I would also feel very detached at times, not feel emotions at all and I have a hard time showing that I care. My ex had a problem with that, for example, he would get me flowers and I wouldn't exactly go, "OH MY GOD ITS SO PWETTY!" and faint, you know? I would thank him and give him a kiss, but my heart wouldn't be in it, and he had a problem with that. He didn't think I cared about anything. After the break up, something inside me woke up, as if someone smacked me in the head with a baseball bat, "Life's too short, wake up! Life's passing you by!" I talked to his mom shortly after, and I described this odd feeling I feel now. She suggested that I see a counselor and see if I was clinically depressed because some of the symptoms I had seemed to fit. Turns out that I've been depressed for the last two years and I didn't even know it. So now I am seeing a counsellor twice monthly, and I feel the way I used to several years ago. I'm starting to love doing things I used to do- I'm more active, I laugh a lot more now, despite the break up. My ex and I are still very close, even after I moved out and got my own place. I've had a lot of fun with him lately, and he says so too, but here is my dilemma: When we broke up, I tried to convince him that we could try dating after moving out, to see if it works out. I told him if it didn't work out then, we'd know we just aren't good together anymore. But he was insistent on that he didn't want to, so I told him, fine, and gave him his space while still hanging out with him. No questions, no talking, no nothing about the dating thing. But lately, he has been doing things like getting me a rose for easter the other day, and he drew a bath after I complained about a sore back. I have been very hesistant about talking to him and asking where we stand now, because I really honestly don't want to ruin a great thing we have going right now and I'm afraid I'd push him over the edge. So tonight, I am going over his place with some coffee, and I am going to sit down with him and ask. I'm so afraid of what's going to happen if I ask him ANYTHING, I have been postponing this talk for a long time now. I'm going to ask him and see where we stand, I mean, I still sleep with him and everything, it feels like we are STILL dating. If he says he still doesn't want to do anything with me, I'm going to ask him, "Okay. If you find a new girl, consider how I would feel about that. Or if I find a new guy, how would you feel? I mean, we sleep one night, the next either one of us has got a new mate?" If he doesn't like it, then I'm going to point out that's why I can't continue sleeping with him or anything. I'm just not ready to be ... just friends with him. I feel like I'm on a roller coaster...... Sigh. Wish me luck.
destination_unknown Posted April 20, 2006 Posted April 20, 2006 Im glad your feeling recovered from your depression, i think it seems like you guys are actually together, but you do need to ask where you stand. i hope it goes well for you both. i would say something simple and direct like "do you want to be my boyfriend again?", if he says no then it might be an idea to try NC for at least a while because the sleeping together thing will then become destructive. (if it hasnt already).
Chinook Posted April 20, 2006 Posted April 20, 2006 I think maybe he was missing the 'old' you and it made him feel jaded..? Like he couldn't do any more to support the two of you. The thing is now, you've both changed, even though it's only been a short period of time. For what it's worth, I don't think rushing right back into a relationship with him is going to help you just yet. I know it's confusing especially if you guys are still sleeping together but if it were me, I'd let things slide for a while and see where they go. Let him direct things, if he wants to be with you and make that spoken commitment again, he'll let you know. If he doesn't... then he'll distance himself from you. Having the talk right now is only going to apply pressure which I don't think if I were him, I would want and you could risk losing him again.
Author silentcharon Posted April 21, 2006 Author Posted April 21, 2006 Yeah, definitely. I talked to him and asked him where I stood, not us, and he still said he didn't want to be with me right now. He said he could live without the sex, and that he felt like it was better this way. He also said he didn't even miss me because I've been around so much. Kind of a wake up call, the missing part. At first I didn't think nc was going to work because we have so many mutual friends so I figured we could just hang out, no pressure at all. But now I'm starting to believe in nc, because that way he can see how life is like without me, and see if he misses me. I don't know, it's confusing but it's starting to make sense now. I feel like I made a mistake thinking we could remain friends- I told him I couldn't be just friends with him right now, because it would only hurt me in the end. I'd just keep hoping and that wasn't fair to both of us. So my plan is to keep going to counselling and do my thing for a while, and forget about him. It's soooo hard today's my second day of nc, and so far he's been calling me and I reply with limited info. I told him he could call me if he wanted to hang out with me, on his terms as strictly friends only. I'm not going to call him anymore, he wants his space so I'll give it to him. Sigh....... I hope I'm doing the right thing....
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