Lishy Posted April 20, 2006 Posted April 20, 2006 Honey you think if I became a prostitute and met a rich guy he would fall in love with me and be my fairy tale prince? No? Well it happened to Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman! Life is not a film baby I do not know how old you are but it wont be long before you are looking back thinking "where did my life go? Why did I hang around waiting for the un-attainable" Honey you need to stop thinking about HIM and think about YOU ... He may be a great dad but you are not his kid! You dont need a great dad you need a great partner .... Someone to watch over YOU ... Not someone for you to watch over him watching over his kids and not involving you! You deserve more and I really think the only way you have a chance of getting it with this guy is to take yourself out of his life ... Let him feel how life is without you! The only way he will shift his ass is for you to make a stand and be counted! Why should he change? He has the best of both worlds! You when he wants you and no commitment to you! He does not have to answer to you and you let him! What a great life he has! He is not the one in doors feeling bad - He is too busy out with his kids and doing what he wants with the comfort of knowing he can pick you up and drop you at will! Make a stand! Get what you want! Dont make do with second best, you are far too lovely for that!
Touche Posted April 20, 2006 Posted April 20, 2006 Lishy made some excellent points. Perhaps you should tell him you just want a "break" to things things over.
Lishy Posted April 20, 2006 Posted April 20, 2006 The only way it would work though, would be complete no contact, not even as a friend! I am not sure she will do that! She needs to stop being the back burner girl and demand to be treated how she wants to be treated!
Touche Posted April 20, 2006 Posted April 20, 2006 The only way it would work though, would be complete no contact, not even as a friend! I am not sure she will do that! She needs to stop being the back burner girl and demand to be treated how she wants to be treated! Yes, I totally agree with you on this. I don't think she will either though. Yes, he's a great father, a great dad but that's not enough. He can be those things and MORE...like a great man to YOU. I don't get why it has to be one to the exclusion of the other.
Author luvtoto Posted April 20, 2006 Author Posted April 20, 2006 Honey you need to stop thinking about HIM and think about YOU ... He may be a great dad but you are not his kid! You dont need a great dad you need a great partner .... Someone to watch over YOU ... Not someone for you to watch over him watching over his kids and not involving you! Ok, I will quit with the movie comparisons. I am sounding pathetic because I'm 37. I used to base my life around him, but not anymore. I bought a house, have a cute little dog, great kids, new car & a great job. I spend my time working on my hobbies. I have friends and am invited to a party in a couple weeks (didn't invite him to it). I go on dates with other guys if he's not around. I've learned to just live my life without him in it. The last time we broke up, I stayed out of his life completely for a good 7 months. During that time, I got a job at a bar and which he showed up at...a couple times when I was working. He sees my life getting good. He notices these things. I never used to be this strong around him. He does NOT know how I feel. O God no! D thinks that I can live with him or without him. I've shown him that. I don't depend on him..ever. If my car needs fixed, I call a mechanic. If I need to borrow his truck, I call a different friend with a truck. If my car breaks down, I'm calling a tow truck. Why doesn't he just leave me alone? But, for some freakin' reason, he can't just seem to do that! I've yelled at him, I've given him altimatums, I've dated other guys...but, he still comes around. We have had sex twice in 3 months (he didn't cum either time), so sex must not be what's keeping him around. I've given him no reason to stay with me. What is his deal. I take this strange behavior as him showing me he must really love me. Ugh. I am amazed at my corrupted view of love. God! Thanks everyone for helping me figure this out.
Author luvtoto Posted April 20, 2006 Author Posted April 20, 2006 I don't get why it has to be one to the exclusion of the other. I don't get it either.
Lishy Posted April 20, 2006 Posted April 20, 2006 Do you know what I think you should do? I think you should stop pretending and just come out and tell him EXACTLY how you feel and lay it out there! Then tell him you have no choice but to leave his life FOR GOOD! I dont mean to do this in a game playing way I am saying for you to do it because he needs to know and you need to be honest and tell him and then let him decide! Could you do that?
Author luvtoto Posted April 20, 2006 Author Posted April 20, 2006 Do you know what I think you should do? I think you should stop pretending and just come out and tell him EXACTLY how you feel and lay it out there! Then tell him you have no choice but to leave his life FOR GOOD! I dont mean to do this in a game playing way I am saying for you to do it because he needs to know and you need to be honest and tell him and then let him decide! Could you do that? Yes, I agree Lishy. He needs to know. I HATE having "The Talk" though. Sucks. I vowed myself never to go there with him. Think I'll just put my concerns down on paper and give it to him, instead. Ya know, Lishy, to any other guy, I am a HELL of a catch. I am an independent, single mother who has her priorities in check (except for him). He knows that someday, somebody is gonna sweep me off my...oops, ok, no more romantic notions... someday, somebody is gonna snatch me up. That time is coming. I know on LS, I front sometimes and say things like, "I'm never getting married"..."wouldn't want to if I could"..."if he asked me I would say no". Let me just say that that is pure BS, and I apologize for that. I've learned to think like that hanging around his ass for so long. I've lost some hope. After you hang around with someone that keeps you at arms length for so long, it changes your spirit & you tend to pick up their beliefs. But, seriously, someone out there would be damn lucky to have me.
Author luvtoto Posted April 20, 2006 Author Posted April 20, 2006 Somebody calm me down. I just called him to talk..he is still acting like a child. He says "hey I'm talking with my dad..call you right back ok? It's been an hour..no call. He always cuts his dad off to talk to me. When he does call...I'm gonna be cool...but inside I'm pissed!!!
Lishy Posted April 21, 2006 Posted April 21, 2006 Hey babe you ARE a hell of a catch! Dont forget that! What did you ring to talk about?
Author luvtoto Posted April 21, 2006 Author Posted April 21, 2006 Hey babe you ARE a hell of a catch! Dont forget that! What did you ring to talk about? Well, I just called to talk to him to clear the air. He told me he would call back. NO call. Couple of nights ago, he calls late, I told him *I* would call *him* back...I didn't feel like it. Now, he is pulling the same s***. He is just getting a damn taste of his own medicine. Ya know how many times he told me he would call in the past 3 yrs and didn't? I sound like an idiot. So, this is how it's gonna end again? Why can't we just end it like adults?
Lishy Posted April 21, 2006 Posted April 21, 2006 So you was calling him to get back on track with him? This guy is going to be an ongoing heartache for you! Strap in cos you are in for a bumpy ride!
Author luvtoto Posted April 21, 2006 Author Posted April 21, 2006 So you was calling him to get back on track with him? This guy is going to be an ongoing heartache for you! Strap in cos you are in for a bumpy ride! So, when he does call me ... later ... what's my best approach with him?
Lishy Posted April 21, 2006 Posted April 21, 2006 Be honest with him! Tell him how you feel for the last time and tell him its the last time you tell him. Tell him why you act how you do and what you want from him! Hon it has to be all or nothing or you will constantly feel lacking! Get the courage and do it!
Author luvtoto Posted April 21, 2006 Author Posted April 21, 2006 Be honest with him! Tell him how you feel for the last time and tell him its the last time you tell him. Tell him why you act how you do and what you want from him! Hon it has to be all or nothing or you will constantly feel lacking! Get the courage and do it! That's what I was going to do when I called him earlier. Now, he is playing this damn game with me. No call back. Ok...score is tied..is this some damn competition??
Author luvtoto Posted April 21, 2006 Author Posted April 21, 2006 He finally called me. He was super nice and said he was in the city getting his bikes where they needed to be for the race this weekend. He also professed about how busy he was. No time to even do his laundry. He said that he'll call back later tonight. When he does call back, I'm thinking that I will tell him then that he's just too busy for me and it's not working for me.
MadDog Posted April 21, 2006 Posted April 21, 2006 When he does call back, I'm thinking that I will tell him then that he's just too busy for me and it's not working for me. You mean you'll tell him you're going to stop seeing him? He'll talk you out of it, I'm pretty sure.
Touche Posted April 21, 2006 Posted April 21, 2006 I don't agree with your approach. I would NEVER tell him he's too busy with me and it's not working for me. That won't work. It's not game-playing to SHOW him, instead of TELLING him that. Actions speak louder than words. I'd act very nonchalant...not annoyed at ALL. Tell him great, glad you had a good evening and give NO hint that anything is wrong. Have a perfectly normal conversation with him. But then what you must do is show some distance. Don't be available the next THREE times minimum, that he asks to get together. And you don't have to lie as to the reasons why you won't/can't get together. You can say you want to relax at home, or you have a date (if that's true). What you don't want to do is have the "talk." It won't work. You will drive him further away...trust me. Hope it's not too late.
Walk Posted April 21, 2006 Posted April 21, 2006 I'm really not agreeing with the "game" rules that are being posted on here. wow. I really try to avoid the whole don't answer the phone for at least X times, etc. etc.. Sets you up for feeling like a failure if you do break down and answer, and all the while you're going to be jumping outta your skin wanting to answer the phone. Now, Not answering the phone because your life is full and busy too is different. But trying to work out some rules for a game you don't know, and he isn't aware of, is just asking for trouble. I think you've got your head on pretty straight, but you're really attempting to accomadate him far more then he's willing to with you. I don't know how much the two of you have really communicated, but I always advocate a more direct approach, but with out the negative emotions. Maybe just tell him something like you hear him telling you he's really busy, but he seems to make time for every one else in his life, and it's making you feel unimportant to him. And to you actions speak louder then words. That you're not very happy with the way things are, and would like to find a happy medium. Something to that effect basically. You really don't sound like you're ready to walk away from this yet. Which is fine. I'm also wondering if he doesn't invite you to do stuff because he thinks you don't enjoy it? Or is it specifically because it's him and his kids time? Have you talked to him about this before? I'm wondering how much the two of you communicate these things, and how much is left up to interpretation. Have you offered any suggestions on ways he could make you feel more important in his life? (I'm trying to get a better picture of the level of communication the two of you have.)
Walk Posted April 21, 2006 Posted April 21, 2006 What you don't want to do is have the "talk." It won't work. You will drive him further away...trust me. Hope it's not too late. Why's that? What's your logic behind this? (just curious)
Lishy Posted April 21, 2006 Posted April 21, 2006 It would only drive him away if he wanted to be driven away! Be honest - No game playing, no messing, just tell him! THEN back off and let him decide what he wants! I am sure he will tell you! You have to sort this one way or the other!
Author luvtoto Posted April 21, 2006 Author Posted April 21, 2006 Thanks for all your advice. I am really learning alot. Also, things that I already do know...just still nice to be reminded. He told me that he would call me back last night. I went to bed at 9:30. No call. But, he did call me at 7:45 this morning to apologize to me for not calling. He said he didn't get done loading the bikes till 11:30 and on his way home he thought it would be too late to call me. He decided to help them out more than he was expected to. So it took later. I just said, "Thanks. I appreciate your call. I'm getting ready for work and can't talk." He said by the time he got home it was 12:30am...then, he had to pay some bills. Didn't get to bed till 1:15am. Get up for work at 5:30am to get to work. Truth be told...he *is* a busy guy. I can't seem to get mad or hate the guy for having a busy life. All I know is that altimatums don't work with him. I hate giving them anyways. Did that once a couple years ago. I just set myself up to be let down. The bottom line is that he *is* too busy......for me. I am the last priority on his list. If I try to tell him how I feel, he will just say, "If it wasn't for my second job. I hate it. I should quit pretty soon." But, he can't. He needs the money to race. It's a viscious cycle for him. Then, I get left feeling selfish for getting upset with him about working too hard, so I don't get mad at him. I don't show my true feelings. I've learned to hide my feelings and just act like everything's ok. Which is a problem for me. Somewhere down the road of life, I learned to never let 'em see you sweat. All your advice was great. I am especially helped with the "here's what you say to him" stuff. This has been going on so long, that I am needing some new material to throw his way.
a4a Posted April 21, 2006 Posted April 21, 2006 There is zero respect towards you from him. ZERO. Zero regard for your feelings, for your desires, for your needs. I wanted to, I was going to, I would have, but = I did not. He could not have dialed you on the cell and gave you 30 seconds to tell you he is busy but wanted to touch base, or to inform you that he cannot fulfill his promise to call later for a lengthy conversation? Would you put up with a gf that ditched you so easily? Any friend at all? He is throwing you crumbs at his convienence and fully expects you to be around to catch them. NEATO for him. Keep begging like a dog around the dinner table, it works for him. If he really wanted to have a relationship with you he certainly could without alienating his children. No respect on his part here at all. Playing games with him will just make it worse and dig you in even deeper. Go out and start dating instead of waiting around by the phone for a call that won't come from him. Sorry for the blunt bitch slapping, I just hate it when people cannot see when they are being taken advantage of and in pain, hoping it will suddenly change. You are letting life pass you by waiting around for his crumbs. Life is short and you deserve better.
Author luvtoto Posted April 21, 2006 Author Posted April 21, 2006 Thanks a4a. I'm thinking a bitch slap is exactly what I need today. I'll take it on the left side please! I'm thinking about just printing this whole damn thread off...change any incriminating evidence of course...and just hand it over to him. Let him read it. We could bypass any stupid "Talk" we would need to have, and yet, he would still see how he is treating me. Like a dog. No, actually, I think he treats his dog just like me. Never has time for him either. Poor dog. Poor me. I have more compassion for his dog, than my own feelings here. Crumbs...yep, you are right. However, getting mad at him has never worked in the past. I for once, want to let him know how I feel like a mature & calm adult. I am so tired of it all.
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