sick of it Posted April 19, 2006 Posted April 19, 2006 next week i will have been celibate for 1 year...by choice. im still in love with my ex. i still miss her and think about her day after day. i still wish i was with her. she has moved on, with someone else. and has for a while. she entered right into another monogamous relationship. doesnt seem like a rebound i guess, seeing that they already live together and have a pet. i was with her for 5.5 yrs and we always talked about doing that and i never got it. he shows up and gets it. im still very angry but i still miss her. i still feel like if she came back i would forgive everything. i miss talking to someone i trust. i miss knowing all about someone. i miss planning trips and looking forward to see someone. i miss everything i had. and crave nothing i have. ive felt like this for a long long time and will do anything to let it go. she calls once in a while and everytime i talk to her i feel like s*** afterwards. so ive stopped responding. i miss her so much and i dont have the heart to respond. i cant. i cant say anything i want to say. its hard to believe that you can feel so strongly about someone who said they felt as strongly, but now feels nothing. i dont understand it, and maybe never will until i experience it. i cant see how things just fizzled on her end...and i cant justify being mad at her for that, and yet, i am. i contemplate looking up her myspace page, or checking her AIM profile, or calling her cell. everyday i contemplate it. but i never do. im so afraid to hear anything or see anything. i know ill find out shes engaged. for some reason, thats the next blow ill get. 5.5 yrs with me and i would have given her everything we ever dreamed of, everything shed ever asked for. 8 months with him and shell get it. thats the worst part. stilling loving someone and seeing everything beautiful youve ever wanted in them, love someone else. she was my first relationship. i dont know how to follow that. i dont know how to look forward to anything else when what i had was everything i wanted. i know im doing better. i dont cry anymore...i come close, but i dont. i dont smile much anymore....i was the life of the party. im not confident in anything, i used to be so self assured. i was the one everyone looked up to in my circle of friends....im now the pity case, that everyone knows what is thinking...but doesnt ask anymore. I hate the situation im in and i resent her for it. my personality changed because she left me for someone. my location has changed because i couldnt stand to possibly run into her and him. ive lost friendships just because im not the same person anymore...or i didnt persue them becaus ei had planned to be with her. and though i love her, i think about how i was treated at the end and still get angry. i get angry at her for everything she wanted and never gave in return. and im so angry at myself for putting on these blinders. for not recognizing what i wasnt getting. her happiness was always first. i constantly wonder what hes giving her that i never did, that i couldnt. everything i do i picture her watching and her approving or disapproving. all my weight loss and working out is me subconsciously trying to get her back...though i havent seen her since september. i still have urges to pour my heart out. i still ahve urges to sing to her and write for her. ive never known anyone like her...related to anyone the way i did her, or trusted anyone the way i did her. i dont know if i can or will again. thats so scary. i know everyone thinks these things. i recognize that, so i guess im a step ahead. but it hasnt gone away. Time time time time time.....i get it. i can rationalize advice, see how it makes sense, follow it. but i dont believe it when it comes to me. im lonely, and theres no one i want to fill the void....except....
bonny doon Posted April 19, 2006 Posted April 19, 2006 i just got dumped a few days ago and it's the last in a long line of rejections over the past year. while i can't relate anywhere close to your 5.5 year relationship, i've been in a 2.5 year one which was very close and it took me a long time to let go. you seem like a wonderful person who plays guitar (?) and sings and writes songs, and you did all the right things to try to get her off your mind (moving, etc.) i think you did a great job. it's fine to mourn a lost first love... i really hope you make it. you know, i have a lot of the same problems you do, and sometimes it feels like it will never get better. but attitude is everything. william shakespeare said, nothing is good or bad but thinking makes it so. some more quotes i found that may irritate you (sorry if they do) for their mushiness: how few our real wants and how vast our imaginary ones. when you realize nothing is lacking, the whole world belongs to you. there is a treasury of joy within you; why do you keep begging door to door?
Brittanyjean06 Posted April 19, 2006 Posted April 19, 2006 Our stories seem a bit similar, I can relate to you 100 % on how you feel man. I was with someone for 2 1/2 years, and we got in a huge fight and a week later they were with someone else, same name and everything They have been together for the past 8 months, he hasn't spoken to me at all, and well they live together...guess it wasn't rebound either...... Though I did hear some good stories through the grape vine, hahaha but ne ways, I know exactly how you feel, and with it only being 8 months, the pain still hurts considering it was my first love.. I don't know really what to say but with time things will get better, It takes an awful good time to get over someone, but I hope your not trying to contact her, I hope you have remained strong
bendit Posted April 19, 2006 Posted April 19, 2006 SOI: A lot of what I say on LS is not too popular. I put a lot of responsibility on the Coper. I believe WE are in control of our situations. I believe we can control what we hear see and do regarding the ex. We can rationalize and say we need to have contact and can't avoid it, but its really because we want to stay in contact. That's the first thing. The second is that you became DEPENDENT on someone, something outside yourself. That is ALWAYS going to disappoint. No person no thing can live up to that responsibility. No person no thing can bring you happiness. You can't be dependent because life circumstance changes will guarantee that you are dissapointed. There is always going to be changes. People change, they leave, they get old, they hurt you, they cheat, and even if they are a great partner, they will die. So this is not an easy concept to grasp because we are brought up to find the "soul mate", the love of our life, the person we were "destined" to be with, the one who will "save" us, and make everything right. That thinking breeds our Dependence and our PAIN. This is a faulty notion and one that is bound to disappoint. I would focus your energy on discovering how you became so Dependent on another person for your happiness. Happiness is in your OWN mind. Finally I haven't read this book but it comes highly recommended by people struggling with RECOVERY. It's called The Four Agreements by RUIZ. I am going to get it; and perhaps you might want to take a look at it to. regards
Author sick of it Posted April 19, 2006 Author Posted April 19, 2006 bendit what you say often is not popular. i know when i see a post by you, especially on one of my threads, im going to get a "beating". but i value it. yes, you put a lot of responsibility on the coper, but at the same time, often the coper is feeling so low, so sorry for themself that they just wait and rely on the good things to come or happen, for everything to become right again. i enjoy your posts because they are real. they are true, they are no bull*hit. at the same time, i often wonder what kind of relationship youve ever had. i often wonder what happened to you, if you ever went through this. your posts are rarely sympathetic or empathetic....which isnt bad, but it makes me wonder how real your experiences have been. i listen to you bendit because you make sense. when i havent listened, ive gotten hurt. your post to me around new years is what ive been living by. "Please get serious about this (NC) or 2006 for you is going to be a year to forget. It COULD BE a year for the ages if you take the right steps now to get through this addiction you have by using NO CONTACT. regards No Contact = NO NEW HURTS" and yes i broke it twice, and yes twice i had giant steps back. and yet when i was listening to it, i felt great. its the time i listen to it and still feel horrible. its the fact that my thoughts are technically still contact arent they? shes reached out and i havent reached back. i want to, i still do. but i listen to everyone here and you sll said dont do it. i didnt and i wish i could have known what would have happened. i keep hearing that hapiness is in our mind. we cant be happy with someone until we're happy with ourselves. its pretty obvious im not happy with myself. despite everything ive done: finishing my BM, starting my MA, internships, moving on my own, starting a job with a full classload, surving this ordeal, losing 70lbs... none of this makes me happy...thats a lot to accompplish ina year and im not happy with it. i dont respects myself. because i keep wanting her back. it must be a lack of self respect. i thought about quitting everything i was doing and getting a blue collar job because her new guy is a smoker and bartender and i thought (at one point) that maybe i wasnt "man" enough for her. after 5.5 yrs she wanted a "real man". thats what i thought about myself. losing all the weight and working out wasnt for me...its been for her, she when she next sees me whenever that may be, she says "wow, look at him." everything is subconciously for her. im cramming my graduate work into one year so that 1, im busy and 2, i "stay on top" academically (shes earning hers in a month). its sick. though i have nothing to do with her, im in competition with her, her BF, and myself to try and get her back...without actively trying to get her back...make sense? ive learned so much since this all happened and i never had a chance to show it. whats the point in learning something if youll never take the test again. "but you will take the test again"....not on her. and thats what i learned. there was no fight. there was no blow out. she just wanted a break and never came back. everyone i look at i say, its not her. every person thats shown an interest i think, its not her. every hot girl i see (and im on campus with 15000 people, so there are some hot ones), in my head, they dont hold a candle. shes still on the pedistal even after everything that was said and done to me. ill look into that book. i havent contacted her. and i get close...but i never do, however ive been thinking about it more and more. just to ask.."what kind of friendship did you think we would have? what do you think we'll talk about? how would you OR HIM be comfortable with anything?" there are no reasonable ansers to those, which is why the phone call a few weeks ago was just to ease her guilt....i never answered, i never called back. its just a vicious cycle...i want her back, it wont be the same, she brought me so much happiness, shes with someone else, her return would ease me, shes been living with, been in the arms of, and enjoys another man more than you....itll never be the love you had, or wanted anymore. so i dont know where to turn.without her sucks...and with her....is impossible.
bendit Posted April 19, 2006 Posted April 19, 2006 Believe me SOI, I have been there. Not exactly where you are but I have been "there." No my advice is very unpopular. Its like going into a bar full of alcoholics and telling them this is their last drink. Did you ever here the term "don't shoot the messenger"? I am a messenger and my message is simple, yet not popular. A lot of times the Reaction is to shoot the messenger. As for you, are you in therapy? Therapy is good and I hope you are in it or can find a way to get in it. I want you to continue to think about what I said about Dependency. Also, it sounds like you may still be accepting contact from X but just not doing anything in answer to it. This will hold you back and keep you mired in the muck if you are still doing this. I know I know. That's not what you wanted to hear. But don't shoot! I'm just the messenger. regards
Brittanyjean06 Posted April 19, 2006 Posted April 19, 2006 Self improvement books are so great, speaking of which..I will go to barnes and noble today and pick that book up. got a 20 dollar bill laying around some where lol nothings wasteful on a good book!
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