Author Vertex Posted April 21, 2006 Author Posted April 21, 2006 Yes she is an ex now. I think she just is too immature to immerse herself into a relationship and is still bound by games. I wish I would have been told this before the relationship began, however. She's a "serial monogamist" (well, at least up until now) meaning she's never been without a relationship, but I think now she's unable to continue handling one correctly. Perhaps if we had met later in life things would have turned out differently. Is it unrealistic for me, at my age (not even 20 yet) to seek a life partner? I feel like it's the sort of thing I want and I am comfortable enough to understand that.
Touche Posted April 21, 2006 Posted April 21, 2006 Yes she is an ex now. I think she just is too immature to immerse herself into a relationship and is still bound by games. I wish I would have been told this before the relationship began, however. She's a "serial monogamist" (well, at least up until now) meaning she's never been without a relationship, but I think now she's unable to continue handling one correctly. Perhaps if we had met later in life things would have turned out differently. Is it unrealistic for me, at my age (not even 20 yet) to seek a life partner? I feel like it's the sort of thing I want and I am comfortable enough to understand that. I too was what my own mother called a "serial monogamist." I was just like your ex. I can't really definitively answer your question Vertex. Is it unrealistic of you at your age (19) to seek a life partner? I know you feel comfortable with the idea. I know you think you're ready. And you really may be. But odds are you're not. Talk to any of us on here and in real life. Anyone who is over 30 will tell you that what you want at 19 and 20 and through your early 20's is NOT want you want later on. It's true. So if I HAD to answer your question then yes, I would say it IS unrealistic for you, at your age, to seek a life partner. I really do. Do I think you can find a better long term partner than what you just had, yes. Of course. NO brainer there. But believe me, odds are that what you find attractive as a significant other NOW is not what you will think of as a great partner 10 years from now. Sure there are exceptions. And you might fall into that category. But really, odds are against it. Focus on YOU. And when you meet someone you're interested in, give it your all, yes. But don't expect it to be THE one this early in your life. Odds are really against you on that. Why don't you want to date for awhile? Get to know different girls. You don't have to latch on to one yet. Could it be that you just scare girls off with being so serious? I mean I know at your age I wasn't thinking about anything serious...just wanted to get to know people and have fun (but I wasn't a slut!) You probably need to lighten up a bit Vertex. Unless you want to date an older woman you need to re-think what you want now. Because yes, in my opinion, seeking a life partner at this age, when you aren't fully developed, IS a mistake. We all change a lot from the age of 18 to about 25 or so. You'll see.
Noos Posted April 21, 2006 Posted April 21, 2006 Vertex - you think you want to settle down but at 19, you really shouldn't. You need more life experience to know what you want and while everyone needs to work at relationships, you shouldn't need to force them so much. At this stage, you probably just want emotional security and no one else can give that to you. This girl made you chase her too much and do too much of the heavy lifting to boost her own ego. And if I recall, i my youth, 19-year-old to 25 year-old women are the worst for the type of behaviour you have described.
Author Vertex Posted April 21, 2006 Author Posted April 21, 2006 Perhaps I just don't understand myself then? I mean if it's unrealistic to settle down right now, what should I be after in a relationship? I don't know what is realistic to desire... I've just wanted someone I can be with consistently and have for that "connection," you know?
Touche Posted April 21, 2006 Posted April 21, 2006 Perhaps I just don't understand myself then? I mean if it's unrealistic to settle down right now, what should I be after in a relationship? I don't know what is realistic to desire... I've just wanted someone I can be with consistently and have for that "connection," you know? No, I think you DO understand yourself. I really do. Yes, I think it's unrealistic for you to "settle down" now, but I don't think it's unrealistic of you to find a good girlfriend you can be with consistently, as you say, and have that "connection" with. I don't think that's unrealistic of you at all. Perfectly normal and realistic. Just don't begin to think it's going to be "forever" at this point because most likely it won't be. But that's ok. You still deserve to have a good girlfriend. Someone who will value you, respect you and yes, love you. Someone who can be a good friend to you. You deserve that. You should look for that. But just know that it may not be forever right now. That's ok now. You will learn from every relationship. Just try not to pick people who are immature and not serious. If they are, then just date them casually. Don't get serious. I think it's realistic for you to find a true friend. A girl who you can really connect with now. A girl who CAN love you back. I think it would be realistic of you to enjoy that as long as it lasts. But if it doesn't, just accept that this is normal now. It's just not the usual thing to find your life-long partner at this age.
Author Vertex Posted April 21, 2006 Author Posted April 21, 2006 That is true. I mean I don't expect to find too many willing to be so serious this early in life... but I mean even finding someone who will just be my best friend and love me back can be a difficult search.
MadDog Posted April 21, 2006 Posted April 21, 2006 but I mean even finding someone who will just be my best friend and love me back can be a difficult search. That's true at any age.
Touche Posted April 21, 2006 Posted April 21, 2006 That's true at any age. I absolutely agree. So you see, Vertex, you're not alone in thinking the way you do. It really IS hard. And yes, many times lonely. That's just how it is. It's during those times that you can develop your interests, be productive, start new hobbies, keep in touch with your family and friends, date and keep an open attitude. Don't just focus on finding that person. Don't focus on the loneliness that we've pretty much all been through or are going through. Really, it's when you aren't looking that you'll find her.
Author Vertex Posted April 21, 2006 Author Posted April 21, 2006 I know what you say is true, but it's just hard to accept. It seems to be just a predefined law of the universe or something that things tend to come when they aren't asked for, haha. However I think the sooner we accept certain things the better.
MadDog Posted April 21, 2006 Posted April 21, 2006 It seems to be just a predefined law of the universe or something that things tend to come when they aren't asked for, haha. Tell me about it. I got out of a long distance relationship of over a year and I told myself I'd stay single for a while and date around. I was all about having fun and not having to worry about a girlfriend. Then, I meet a super-cool girl and I'm doing everything I can to try to slow things down with her. I'm sure if I had been single for a while and had the mindset that I was ready to try a relationship, I would have never run into a girl like her. You can't always plan these things though. I've gotta at least give her a chance and see if she's the real deal. Passing up something that could be great because it doesn't follow my plan would be quite foolish.
Touche Posted April 21, 2006 Posted April 21, 2006 Tell me about it. I got out of a long distance relationship of over a year and I told myself I'd stay single for a while and date around. I was all about having fun and not having to worry about a girlfriend. Then, I meet a super-cool girl and I'm doing everything I can to try to slow things down with her. I'm sure if I had been single for a while and had the mindset that I was ready to try a relationship, I would have never run into a girl like her. You can't always plan these things though. I've gotta at least give her a chance and see if she's the real deal. Passing up something that could be great because it doesn't follow my plan would be quite foolish. It sure would be foolish! I almost did that myself. Would have missed out on connecting with THE one for me eleven years ago.
Author Vertex Posted April 21, 2006 Author Posted April 21, 2006 It just seems too easy for her. I mean I've always dealt with a lot of her emotional bouts and such, and been pretty passive about my own since they tended to ruin her day. So now I feel mad because it's like she still expects that from me even after a breakup -- just move on without a fight. It feels very childish but I want to just yell at her!! I feel very used and rejected and she acts like I can just accept it and move on like I am used to.
Touche Posted April 21, 2006 Posted April 21, 2006 It just seems too easy for her. I mean I've always dealt with a lot of her emotional bouts and such, and been pretty passive about my own since they tended to ruin her day. So now I feel mad because it's like she still expects that from me even after a breakup -- just move on without a fight. It feels very childish but I want to just yell at her!! I feel very used and rejected and she acts like I can just accept it and move on like I am used to. It's not childish to feel that way. It's understandable. The childish part would be if you actually acted on it. Why don't you post on here what you'd say to her instead of actually making a fool of yourself and telling her or writing her? You'd only make yourself look bad. You must act like it's no skin off your back that she's out of your life. Really, you should be glad she's gone. You're mature enough to have a woman in your wife...not a childish little girl who has no clue what she really wants.
alphamale Posted April 21, 2006 Posted April 21, 2006 It just seems too easy for her. I mean I've always dealt with a lot of her emotional bouts and such, and been pretty passive about my own since they tended to ruin her day. I feel very used and rejected and she acts like I can just accept it and move on like I am used to. Never subordinate yourself to any woman....you are are man and you're expected to dominate and lead and worry about your own needs. Your woman is supposed to fullfil YOUR needs, not the other way around. Everytime time you let the woman routinely dominate you the end result will be either one of two things.... 1) She leaves you, or 2) She stays but you get to live in a nightmare.
Author Vertex Posted April 21, 2006 Author Posted April 21, 2006 It's not childish to feel that way. It's understandable. The childish part would be if you actually acted on it. Why don't you post on here what you'd say to her instead of actually making a fool of yourself and telling her or writing her? You'd only make yourself look bad. You must act like it's no skin off your back that she's out of your life. Really' date=' you should be glad she's gone. You're mature enough to have a woman in your wife...not a childish little girl who has no clue what she really wants.[/quote'] What I'd say to her... I want to say that just because a relationship has an issue doesn't mean there's a fundamental incompatibility. She only craves the newness of relationships and after it settles down for a bit, any concern that comes up gets taken as something inherently flawed and I am angry that she feels this way. She said I was ungrateful because she helped me find a job, which she did, and I felt like I was very thankful for it and did many things to show I cared. But on the same note I feel like she was continually ungrateful and did very little to show care or concern... I was willing to change myself for her to make sure her day was never ruined, I always went to her to visit and rarely the other way around, I was attentive to her needs and tried to ensure that she was emotionally and physically fulfilled, I bought her this really expensive electronic gift she wanted very badly as a surprise even though my financial situation is shaky (and earlier in the year I got her this nice bracelet and earrings), or give her flowers or take her out to concerts and dinners for no reason but to have fun, or I'd try to be complimentary, try to be there for her to hear out what was on her mind and offer my side of things, or something just listen for the sake of listening, and I feel like I was always very respectful to her and her parents whereas she was a little rude to mine. I was willing to suppress my own sadness due to my death situation so she would not have to bear the burden so heavily, but even under that consideration she still said my bouts of sadness ruined her mood (even though I rarely showed that sad side to her because she would complain about it making her day go down the tubes. I felt like it was more of a selfish concern on her part than a true sympathy). I was willing to fix things and she just gave up. It just felt so one-sided and that she did not truly appreciate anything I did for her. I know that was a long sentence... but it helps to say everything here than it is to go yelling at her. Maybe what I am saying is all very selfish. But I do feel as if I did a lot for her to try to make her happy but to no avail. I think you're right though Touche... probably better off without her. I mean if random flings are her bag, so be it. I just felt like I lost out in this whole thing in terms of what I've already given, even though I won in terms of allowing for the possibility of somebody better who can love. Maybe I am thinking too much about everything?
tanbark813 Posted April 21, 2006 Posted April 21, 2006 Nothing you say or do can possibly change how she feels about you or relationships in general. The sooner you start to move on the better off you'll be.
SmoochieFace Posted April 21, 2006 Posted April 21, 2006 Never subordinate yourself to any woman....you are are man and you're expected to dominate and lead and worry about your own needs. Your woman is supposed to fullfil YOUR needs, not the other way around. Everytime time you let the woman routinely dominate you the end result will be either one of two things.... 1) She leaves you, or 2) She stays but you get to live in a nightmare. Yep, a woman's needs are unimportant. After all, she IS less of a human being.
Recommended Posts