CJE Posted April 19, 2006 Posted April 19, 2006 Ok where do I start. Recently I got dumped by my fiance of three years. After a very small fight she said she just could not do it anymore, because she was tired of trying, and she has had a knot in her stomach for a couple of weeks, that this was just not right. She also said she felt like "her heart was not in it enough to marry me" To clarify matters she also postphoned the wedding a little over a year earlier because she "wanted to enjoy the engagement longer" After that we continued to stay together and everything was pretty good. Some of the issues brought up this time to me were "You don't seem excited enough about the wedding." "I'm afraid you don't want to have kids with me, because you already have 2." She is 22 and I'm 28. I have been previously married and have two children 8 and 2. My ex became a very strong mother figure in their lives. Both of my children loved her very much. Which makes this even more hard. I guess I have resentment for her "deserting my kids as well" Yes they have a great mother, but they really cared for my ex-fiance as well. I just have so many mixed up emotions right now. To make things even more complicated I have to work at the same place as she does. I'm looking for a new job, but I just can't quit this one, because it is a good one. Now everytime I have to see her at work, it feels like my heart is being ripped open. I mean why would she agree to get married for the secound time, only to back out again? I'm really trying to move on, but I find myself looking at her myspace page to see what she is up to. I have even foolishly asked her about things I have read her talking about on there. If anyone can help me with advice in anyway It would be great.
Chinook Posted April 19, 2006 Posted April 19, 2006 CJE - You need to do the 'no contact' thing. Including MySpace (what the hell is this MySpace thing anyways?) If you click up the top there on the 'search' thing and put in 'no contact' it will bring up a plethora of threads on this very topic. Your fiance backed out of marriage, not once but twice. You need to face that. She backed out simply because it is not what she wants. If someone is ready to walk down the aisle, they don't take a backward glance... let alone twice..!
Author CJE Posted April 19, 2006 Author Posted April 19, 2006 There is no doubt that it is over, but how do I do the no contact thing If I have to work with her? Myspace is just a friends networking page.
Chinook Posted April 19, 2006 Posted April 19, 2006 You can do the no contact thing at work in various ways - by being professional and polite. It may kill you but it works. Avoid her where you can. I've had friends do this. Use different stairwells to the office, use different entrances, avoid the same meetings if you can, avoid being CC'd in emails and communications unless it is absolutely necessary.
tikigods Posted April 19, 2006 Posted April 19, 2006 NC is just like avoiding someone with the plague, pretty much you just don't chat with her, avoid anything you can that has to do with her, and otherwise start to move on. Talking to her, reading her myspace, and so on is only going to keep opening the wounds and keep you hurting
Author CJE Posted April 22, 2006 Author Posted April 22, 2006 I had a previous post about my ex who bailed on me two months before our wedding date. We had a somewhat rocky past year, but we always got thru it. It has been two weeks since it happened and man do I have my ups and downs. But for sure I go to sleep thinking about her. When I wake up I have a sudden feeling of hurt all over again. It's like I realize that she is not there all over again. I tryed to go out with my buds and hang, but seeing all of those other couples out dancing and having a good time just seemed to bring me down even more. What hurts me the most is thinking about her out having a good time and dancing, and doing god knows what with some other man. I guess this is normal but it cuts so deep! Ok on to what not to do. The other night I went out to a strip club and got really trashed. I started drowning my sorrows in Makers and Coke. Way too much I might add. I turned into a dick and got tossed out of the strip club. I got roughed up a bit and started feeling even more down. Well at 2:30 in the morning I thought it would be a good time to call my ex. I don't even remember what I said to her. Looking at my call log, I called her at least ten times that night. It gets worse. We still technically have a place together. I had a key and most of my belongings were still there. At 3 in the morning I drove to the next town over where our house was. Now let me tell you I barley remember driving there I was so wasted. It's by the grace of God that I did not kill myself or someone else. Somehow I made it to the house. Luckily she was not there, and has been staying with her friend. I went inside I guess my thought was I was going to get some more of my stuff, since I was planning on moving it out the next day anyway. That's what I tell myself, but I was going to see her in my pathetic state at 3 in the morning. And more than likely cry at ther feet and beg to come home or something. Anyway I went in and started looking at our pictures in our albulm. Suddenly the most awful pain and hurt started rushing thru my body all over agian, like she just told me we were over. I ran into the kitchen and punched a clock on the wall and broke it. I cut my hand and bleed on the Kitchen floor. I looked at the pictures some more and cried and becme even more pitifull. I finally crashed in our old bed. I guess she came home early that next morning only to find a busted up clock on the wall, and me passed out in the bed. Well needless to say it freaked her out. She went to the police and filled a temporary restraining order on me. First let me say that I have never layed a hand on her, or have even as much raised my voice to her in the three years we were together. I mean this was the dumbest thing I have ever done. I feel like the biggest ass in the world, but there is nothing I can do to ever take that away. I guess on the positive is I was still on the lease and had as much right to be there as she did. On the bad I scared the hell out of her and broke up her clock. I also did not hurt myself or anyone else by driving that night. I have to go to court in two weeks to tell my side of the story, and I guess the judge will decide to keep the order or drop it. I hope to God they will drop it, and I can just move on with my life and try my best to put all of this nonsense behind me. The sad thing was I had started the NC and was for sure moving in the right direction. I feel like I just feel off the Mountain here. Man it is going to take so long to mend this. I just hope one day I can talk to her, and let her know how sorry I am for being such a drunken idiot. I guess I will have to wait and see.
Ssheena Posted April 23, 2006 Posted April 23, 2006 Been there and done that - except for the breaking of stuff and getting drunk at a strip club. You are hurting, hurting, hurting. Looking at pictures, old emails, anything that reminds you of her is just going to bring it all up again. Jeez, just today I found a piece of paper with my x's telephone number written on it and I nearly started to cry. I've always thought breakups like this were worse than a death because the person is still alive, still there, you could see them again and it's easy to entertain false hope (maybe she will realize what a great person I am and come back). Give yourself a period each day to mourn - cry, write in a journal, write her emails (BUT DON'T send them), write yourself positive afirmations, and take it one day at a time and as far as the drunken night goes, forgive yourself for it and know it won't ever happen again.
Ssheena Posted April 23, 2006 Posted April 23, 2006 One more thing, I've found myself checking my x's myspace page too... I'm afraid that one time I look he will have changed his status from "in a relationship" to single...so sad.
westernxer Posted April 23, 2006 Posted April 23, 2006 There is no doubt that it is over, but how do I do the no contact thing If I have to work with her? You can't.
Author CJE Posted April 23, 2006 Author Posted April 23, 2006 It's like two steps forward and thirty back. Went camping this weekend with my brother. I had a pretty good time, but the knot in the gut is still there. Every song i here, every place I pass up that we went to. Even the camping gear brought me down, because we used that stuff together. It's been two weeks since the split(seems like two years). I feel so weak letting this overtake my life. I have two beautiful girls I need to think about, and spend the time I'm setting around mourning and give it to them. I just can't wait till that awful knot in the gut will go away. Does anyone else have terribile nightmares about your ex being with someone else? To me this has been the worst part of it all. I've adapted to not living together, our daily routines even. The thought of her with someone else makes me so sick I want to vomit. I also think that coming out of her previous relationship, her ex was harassing her and doing stupid crap like I have been doing. You know i was the one there to tell her that everything was going to be alright. Now I'm on the other side, and thinking that I might have already pushed her into the arms of another man that is telling her the same stuff I did. That really hurts.
Author CJE Posted April 25, 2006 Author Posted April 25, 2006 Well I think my ex might have a new boyfriend already, after only three weeks. Man what a freaking blow. I still wake up in the morning with a terribile pain when I realize she is not there. It's like half of me is one. There is now worse thought to me than picturing kissing another man. Having those stay up all night talks, Having sex. That is the worse and I have very vivid horribile nightmares about it. I thought I was a pretty strong person. Everyone says focus on work, and your two kids, but she is always on the back of my mind.
MadDog Posted April 25, 2006 Posted April 25, 2006 That blows but at least you didn't marry her only to have her find out she wasn't into it. It sounds like she was kind of going with the flow with your relationship including the engagement. I guess one day she realized she wasn't that into it so she wanted out. The part that sucks, of course, is you were completely left in the dark. Just give yourself time to get over her. Continue to look for a new job. Spend more time with your friends or make some new ones. I really think what happened was for the best.
Author CJE Posted April 26, 2006 Author Posted April 26, 2006 Yeah I guess you are right about that. That would suck big time to have her bail out after we were married. Man I hope it gets easier soon. Right now I am going through the anger stage I think. Especially after I heard she is dating someone else. She gave me the whole I just need time to figure out who I am, and not be tied down. I came out of a marriage, and she came into it from a previous long term relationship as well. How the hell is she going to jump right into another one? Well it's doomed for sure I guess. I want to wish her the best, but damn I don't want to. I have been on her side as well. When I came out of marriage I was the one that wanted out. I had no problems breaking out of it, and getting into a new relationship, because I already had something there to compfort me. I can't imagine how my poor ex-wife must have felt during that time. Being divorced and seeing me with a new woman, and her being around our kids, That's what hurts me the most is my kids got very attatched to her. She has not even asked me if she could see them, to tell them goodbye or anything. What a cold hearted bitch! She came from a very unstable family, and I have always been there to support her. She got reaquainted with her old friends through MYSPACE aka The Devil, and it all went downhill from there. I thought yeah there's nothing wrong with her going out with her girlfriends. I was such a fool. Girls don't go to clubs to just hang with friends. She's now dating one of the guys in her circle of friends. I feel like If I would have went out with her more, this would have not happened. I'm 28, and just over the whole damn club scene s***. She's only 22, so there you go. Next time I will be for sure to get a girl closer to my age, who has "already discovered herself" and sowed her oats you might say. I know I have been rambling, but it feels good to get it out. I even wrote a damn sappy poem today. I might post it as well.
Author CJE Posted April 26, 2006 Author Posted April 26, 2006 With Each Passing Thought From the first time we meet, I thought It was the perfect love. A kiss from an Angel, Sent from the heavens above. In time we began to part, Who knows what happened in our hearts. How could something so strong, Just dwindle and fade away? Promises, Dreams, and a Life together, Thrown out the window as you walk away. People say to just move on and it will be fine, That's easy to say, but hard to do when your heart is dying. The thought of you with another is almost too much to beare, With each passing thought I can feel my heart, being pulled and begin to tear. All I ever wanted is to make you feel safe, Now I am all alone in my bed and have lost all faith. The pain in time will surely pass, It's just hurts so much for a love you thought would forever last. I must pick up my broken heart and start to heal, One day I can get past this, One day I surely will.
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