Guest Posted April 19, 2006 Posted April 19, 2006 When I was growing up, from the time I was seven until I was about 25, I was overweight - not morbidly obese but fat. I guess I would have had a BMI of about 29. I was teased by kids at school (although I had friends too) and I always came last in sports. I lost a lot of weight in ninth grade but put it back on by senior year. Then, when I finished high school at a single sex school, I met up with a bunch of guys my age - my first experience of guys really because I didn't have brothers, male neighbours or male cousins. I learnt that looks really matter a lot to guys. It didn't help that my best friends were thin, about 3 inches taller than I am and blonde. Guys from every corner of the room would flock to her and talk to her and some of them would even cut me out of the circle and put their backs to me. Often, we'd go to dinner and men there wouldn't bother to make conversation or listen to me at all. Others in bars would talk to me while their eyes scanned the room for a better, more interesting girl to talk to. In my past, some guys told me I was a dog, some told me to go away when I tried to carry on a friendly conversation with them and others would be friends me to get an introduction to prettier girls I knew and would then abandon me. When we were sitting around at a beach house chatting one night we turned to the subject of circumcision (I was 19 at the time) and one guy laughed and said that I'd proably never seen a penis anyway. As far as men were (and are) concerned, I could've fallen through the floor and no one would have cared. However, those same guys would seek me out for friendship because I was the girl that they actually had things in common with. They'd also seek advice on their girlfriends and the gifts they should buy them etc and I resented that. I developed bulimia to deal with the feelings of low self-esteem and rejection. I would eat for emotional comfort but didn't want to put on weight at the same time. For a while, I was successful and lost weight but then my oesophagus started bleeding and my hair and eyelashes started falling out so I stopped. This cycle of behaviour continued for years. I was scared of eating because I would put on weight and then no one would ever love me but needed to eat to cope with loneliness and boredom of being alone. I'm 33 now and I have never had a boyfriend. I've lost the weight (I'm a size 8 now), I spend money on designer clothes and good make-up, I have a good job and a wide range of interests and my independence - but still nothing. I have never had a man tell me that he loves me. And now I have to compete for their attention with women ten yars younger than I am. I became good friends with a guy about 9 years ago and he would talk to me, be kind, we;d go to see bands and go to movies together. Then he started seeing another girl (blonde, beautful, big tits) and didn't tell me about it. Eventually, he stopped hanging around with me, started hanging around with her and her friends and would get me to do things like pick up his mail and water his garden while all of them went away on skiing holidays etc. while I was left alone with no one to talk to. (We were in an isolated community at the time). Every time I go out and meet a guy I like (I do go out quite a bit but I rarely meet people I'm interested in) I get anxious when I see other girls who are better looking than I am. I know that I won't be able to compete with them and part of me feels really angry that I have to compete. Even when I don't see a guy a like, I feel anxious inside because I know I'm less important to them than the pretty blond girls in the bar or restaurant, or party. I don't know any single men anymore and I never get asked on dates. I was even stood up by an Internet date. He phoned my answering machine the night before our meeting to cancel and never called me back. I think I'll never be thin enough or pretty enough for a guy to fall in love with me. I am very frightened of being alone for the rest of my life. I don't know what to do. My family and some family friends tell me that I look like Natalie Wood. A doctor even wrote 'Natalie Wood' by mistake on a prescription for me once. But if I now look like her, I'm thin and I have a good education and job, why do men still hate me? I'm looking around on the Internet and see guys I'm attracted to but am frightened to send my picture to them because I won't be pretty enough for them. Has anyone else had this life experience? I'm in therapy now but the feelings don't seem to have lifted. Can I ever get out of this problem and what do I do if I'm the only spinster left in my social group?
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