coasting Posted April 18, 2006 Posted April 18, 2006 For the past two or three days Ihave been in such a funk, and I just don't kow how to pull myself out of it. I know with all that he has done to me I am foolish to want him back in my life, but I do. I know with all the hurt and sadness he has caused I should just let him go, but I am finding it so hard...as I have never loved another as I do him. I know I have so much to offer someone, but how do I offer it to them if my feelings are still wanting him back. I just finished watching Diary of a Mad black Woman, and it was a really good flick. It really does make you think about the moral of the story which is "One nust forgive the person who has hurt them so, and then they must move on to forgive themself." I keep saying I forgive him but then I get in these thoughts about things shold have and would have been had he not cheated on me. I keep blaming myself. Thinking maybe if I did this did that or went here or there he would not have strayed. My question is am i crazy for wanting him back?
KittenMoon Posted April 18, 2006 Posted April 18, 2006 You're not crazy- almost anyone on this board would take their ex back, provided they were like they were during the good times. You're blaming yourself. But straying was HIS CHOICE. Operative word: CHOICE. He made it. When I blamed myself for my relationship's end, people here told me it was another step in the process, that I would be angry with him and blame him next. They were right. I'm at the point where I blame him 80-90% for the split, and all the issues that led up to it. (yes, I'm working in percentages...) Again, it was HIS CHOICE to disrespect you. You are not to blame.
Author coasting Posted April 18, 2006 Author Posted April 18, 2006 Sad thing about it is he did come back home for three weeks, and then left again stating he had emotional problems to work out.....I told him at that point he was walking out of my life for good, which in turn made him go right back to the other woman's place.....that was almost three weeks ago and the feelings of wanting him back just keep coming on so strong.
KittenMoon Posted April 18, 2006 Posted April 18, 2006 I told him at that point he was walking out of my life for good, which in turn made him go right back to the other woman's place..... He made his choice AGAIN. How many times does he have to do it? It's hard, very hard, harder than anything maybe. You'll want him to come back for a while. But he's shown you how hard he was willing to fight for you... all the way to the OW's house. Embrace the pain now, not the idea of getting him back.
riobikini Posted April 18, 2006 Posted April 18, 2006 Whisnimz, It's your *emotions* that spur the feeling of wanting him back. You're lonely. You miss him. His presence. But your mind -your source of reasoning- should be the control center for the main decision, -not your emotions. No, it's not 'crazy', nor abnormal to want an ex back, -it's just crazy to take them back when you have been terribly burned by them over and over, again. -Rio
Author coasting Posted April 18, 2006 Author Posted April 18, 2006 I know it is crazy to take them back after being burned over and over again...but how do you get beyond that feeling? I sit back and I realize how well I was doing Four weeks six weeks ago when we decide to try to work things out, and I just want to get back to that point but is going to take another 4 months? i can't bare the pain and the thoughts of wanting him back......I know I have to be strong, but I am finding it so hard to be strong this time.
riobikini Posted April 18, 2006 Posted April 18, 2006 Thing is, Whisnimz, you do know how to walk that road again, because you've already been down it. You just have more to carry with you this time. Yes, -it's harder, but I truly believe that, with effort, you can do it all over again, and make it stick this time. You're a very strong woman, -whether you feel like it, or not, it shows in all your previous posts and threads. You're intelligent, diligent, and actually empowered with what you have already gone through, enough to make that very necessary trek through all this, and towards building a new -and better- life. You can do it. (Smile) -Rio
Author coasting Posted April 18, 2006 Author Posted April 18, 2006 Thanks Rio but right now I don't feel any of those things......I wish i never ever felt what real love was! It hurts!
riobikini Posted April 18, 2006 Posted April 18, 2006 re: " Thanks Rio but right now I don't feel any of those things......I wish i never ever felt what real love was! It hurts!" Whisnimz, someday, when someone else holds you so close you can't see daylight between you, and says "I love you more than God's given breath." -and you know, with everything in you, that he means it and you feel it, too....well, you'll eat those words. (Smile) -Rio
riobikini Posted April 18, 2006 Posted April 18, 2006 It's the planting of that dream, posted above, that you're plowing for, now. It's real. And worth it. -Rio
Author coasting Posted April 18, 2006 Author Posted April 18, 2006 I just can't imagine letting anyone get that close to me ever again.....I can't imagine trusting my heart into someone else's havds....I feel if I stay away from all of this love stuff, I will also keep the hurt away.
riobikini Posted April 18, 2006 Posted April 18, 2006 That feeling is par for the course....but it will change. Give it time. I've been there, too....but I couldn't stay. (Smile) -Rio
Author coasting Posted April 18, 2006 Author Posted April 18, 2006 I am trying to give it time...I am actually going looking at different apartments today, just to get away from the memories.
ICantStopLovinHim Posted April 18, 2006 Posted April 18, 2006 Wow rio your posts actually made me cry. I am having an exceptionally bad day and i wish i had your strength. I am one who allowed the cheating man back in my life #1 Because i wasnt exactly an angel in the relationship. and #2 because we have a son. Now im dealing with doubt.....so much its breaking us up. I cant live like this i cant breathe i cant sleep. I keeop thinking he is cheating where is he going what is he doing. He told me im stressing him out and he is ready to leave me again and im so scared to be alone. To raise three kids bymyself to pay the bills bymyself. I cant believe he is ready to walk away from us ( his family) because i just cant trust him. I pray for the strength you have rio and i commend you. )
riobikini Posted April 19, 2006 Posted April 19, 2006 ICan'tStopLovingHim, Nothing wrong with a few tears...(smile)...they're very therapeutic (cleansing, actually)... As for the cheating spouse/ex, -I'm certainly no 'man-hater', but you'd be surprised what you can do without a man to distract you. Children are not a reason to keep a relationship going that is so messed up that it turns out it's doing more damage than good to the child...and you...and possibly him. But you've heard that before, I'll bet. It's still just as true. I know you're probably very afraid of what the financial consequences of seeing him go might be, but that's also 'fixable'. Nearly everything in life regarding our most frequent fears are, we just don't believe it until we're forced to deal with it. And you being "no angel"? Well, none of us are. Everyone 'flubs'...everyone hits a bump in their stride once in a while. You picked yourself up, straightened it out. *That's what counts.* Anyone who emotionally blackmails you after you've seriously worked on the problem and fixed it, is looking for control. It's a form of their punishment for you. And it'll keep you from enjoying anything in the relationship. Let him walk if he wants to. It'll hurt, that's for sure, -but alot of things hurt that turn out to be just what the doctor ordered, after all, a few months later, or a year down the road. Stop letting yourself be held hostage by fear and emotional blackmail. And if you cry, -you can come to this board and others will cry with you. It's gonna be ok. (Smile) Take care. -Rio
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