Why 'NO CONTACT' is absolutely ESSENTIAL

[Chinook]

Dear ALL

 

Please read this and pay attention.

 

If you want an example of the games that people play and why 'no contact' with an ex is ABSOLUTELY essential... here it is. In the last few weeks my ex asked me about the issue of reconciliation. Anyone who read my full story on this board will know that I had not only seriously hoped for it but I had considered it. I cut all contact with him on Thursday - in an email - I fully explained why I had to do it. I explained that he had given me FALSE hope that things would change and I couldn't live with that any longer. He cruelly did this knowing he wasn't ever going to change anything. Why..? I don't know. I don't know why people do these cruel things. Especially not people who supposedly love us.

 

Saturday he sent me a text-to-email message saying he was REALLY angry and upset with ME. It's not like I could have those blocked. Below is the text of my final email I have sent to him last night.

 

NO CONTACT IS ESSENTIAL TO HEAL. For your own SANITY please REMEMBER THIS. What you are seeing below is the email of a broken, devastated person. I have been TWO YEARS since the initial break-up and hoped against hope for a reconciliation. This guy BLAMED ME because I had the courage to walk away after HE ABANDONED ME during my CANCER treatment.

 

So please... don't put yourself in my position. Cut all ties. When it's over... it is over. There can be NO going back.

[Art_Critic]

It's not like I could have those blocked.

 

Sorry you are having to live the drama

 

On my phone ( LCG ) verizon you can block texts.. and text to emails from anybody

[Chinook]

hey thanks

 

I didn't receive the text by phone - I actually GOT RID OF the phone!!! Crafty sod sent the text to my email address knowing his provider address for the phone couldn't be blocked. I've since solved that problem.

 

I didn't reply like this for him. I had never told him how broken I was (am) and how hurt I was. Now I have. I didn't DO that to get back at him or to hurt him. I did it for me. I had to recover some of my dignity and self-esteem. I had to say it because it needed saying. I had to say it because I had blamed myself for failing... when in actual fact, I'm not the one who failed.

 

Now, it's finished. It's over. It's dead. I'm still here and it is time to heal. Two years is a long time for this to continue. 10 years is a long time to devote to a person but now I know, he didn't deserve any of it.

[Yamaha]

So... from here on out, I intend to cut all contact with you.

I removed access to the blog.

I do not intend to contact you again for any reason.

 

I commend you on your decision but I think your email to him should have been limited to the above. You should have written the rest but never sent it; closure for yourself, He deserves no closure.

 

NC is the only option.

[Chinook]

But to be honest... it's done now.

 

I don't really care either way. What is done is done. No point crying over spilt milk. I felt I had to say what needed saying. I've said it. It's done now. When I was treated, and all the time after... I was angry but I never once said it. Now, I have. Now, I have rebalanced the books. Now, it is done. It maybe needn't have been said - but like I said, I did it for me. It achieved what I needed it to. Closure.

 

The job I have now, is how to heal. I know it will take time and I have really avoided that in the last two years. I have lived with hope in my heart that he still felt how he always did. Now it is gone and I have a monumental task in front of me. But, I have kicked the arse of worse problems than this and I've done it alone. So... let the healing begin.

 

[riobikini]

Yamaha, in most cases, I would agree with you, that she shouldn't have sent the email, -but hearing the, rather, unique circumstances she lived in with this sorry excuse for a partner, I am standing up to applaud her in a hearty way.

 

He's actually very lucky to have not heard her say all that in person, -considering the mood she was in, she might have not been able to stop herself from smacking him around a bit.

 

And to Chinook:

 

Good going, gal!!!!

 

Just remember that you've already preached that sermon to him, now, (and quite thoroughly!) -so there's no need to be in contact with him for anything further.

 

Stick to it.

 

-Rio

 

P.S. I am still grinning over what you said to him....(oh my!)

[Chinook]

Thanks Rio

 

Yes, for a long time I believed in him and losing that has been monumentally hard for me. But when it comes down to it... the fact is, I never ever said it to him. Now I have. It is said now. It is done.

 

The fact is now, I contacted his phone provider (which used to be mine too) and I blocked the path address from the phone to my email account so even if he goes down that route again. The mail won't get to me.

 

I blocked all his known email addresses.

I blocked his MSN ID's.

I have no mobile phone for him to text or call.

The house phone is over on voicemail - so I can delete.

Any paper / snail mail messages will be binned.

If he turns up at the house I won't answer and I will seek a restraining order.

 

It's that simple. I have been through hell in the last couple of years and alot of it is down to him and I am not going to let him do this any longer. It's finished now. For me - he went too far.

[riobikini]

Chinook,

 

I admire your resolve regarding your decision, -but I caution that, sometimes, the more determined we are as an individual personality, the harder those 'No Contact' days ahead can slam us, -especially when the unexpected, random thoughts blind-sight us, a bit further on down the road.

 

I suggest 'circling the wagons' now, to prepare for those moments: organize your support group and make sure they are available (the 'live and in person' ones, as well as the virtual ones, i.e. you know that the boards on LS are always open and active).

 

Keep posting.

 

And Good Luck!

 

-Rio

 

P.S. High marks for establishing those 'No Contact' tactics with the phones and email routes. Very smart!!!

[Chinook]

Rio, no offence but you don't get through what I have by falling over at the first (or second, or third) hurdle. No contact will work for me because it has to. I know what you're saying - I have a very good support network and my family and friends know what has been happening. I know what the alone-time and darkness can do to a person. But let me reassure you, I will NOT put myself at risk. What is pretty unique about this situation is that for the last two years, I continued to believe in my ex partner. I believed that he had what it took to put things right. What has become apparent over the last few weeks is that (a) he hasn't and (b) nor does he want to. Further more, I'm now in a situation where I am almost ruthless about cutting people out of my life because they don't deserve to take up my time. With him, I thought it was different. Now... I realise it isn't. He doesn't deserve any more of my precious time - the time I have left is finite and I will NOT squander it. I live with the fear and uncertainty of a s***e cancer diagnosis and it could return at any time. The time I have left is precious. I have no intention of giving him any MORE than he has already had and I wilfully gave. I have to be resolute and resolved to get to a better place and come hell or high water... I WILL do that.

[riobikini]

re:

 

Chinook: "Tough Cookie".......I have to be resolute and resolved to get to a better place and come hell or high water... I WILL do that.

 

Yes, you are!!!

 

-and yes, you will.

 

I am convinced.

 

(Smile)

 

-Rio

[shelters]

I just read this thread and have no real words to say except, woah. I really feel your pain and since I have a hard time mustering up my own anger, reading your letter was cathartic in a way.

 

Sending you lots of positive energy from across the pond...

[Chinook]

Rio: Thanks. I will do it. One thing I have an abundance of, is the faith in my own abilities. This coming Sunday (23rd) I'm running a road marathon for a UK cancer charity. I've raised over £1200 in sponsorship and the main aim is to get the medal. This no contact thing is not any different from that, from having cancer, from dealing with the every day crap that life deals us. I'll get through cos I have to but I have faith in myself that I can

 

Shelters: Actually, right now... although that initial message doesn't look that way, I have very little anger towards him. In some ways I kind of pity him because he actually does believe that he's conflicted and he does love two people. Complete bollocks of course. He's done what he did when I was being treated, buried his head in the sand and just let things happen. What irritates me a little is how little respect and honour it has shown. But hey, he can go jump in a freaking lake now for all I care.

 

At some point I think maybe I will also forgive him. Not just yet though. It's too soon - but it will come. Then the pain will be less and the pathway for the future will be clear for me

[riobikini]

Chinook,

 

Stay in the boards...you're attitude is needed here.

 

And good luck with the marathon!!!!

 

(Smile)

 

-Rio

[shelters]

Chinook--- what an amazing spirit you have! My Mom is a marathon competitor and she oftens speaks of the meditative-like state she goes in and out of while running. Best of luck to you on Sunday!!

[Chinook]

I'm getting nervous about it now. I have a lot of friends and pretty high profile with this in my running club... but the main reason I'm doing it is so that I can give the race medal to my oncologist. He can hang it in his office and the next time a young lady needs treatment for cancer, he can point to it and tell her that great things are indeed possible after cancer and treatment. When I was diagnosed, I was the only young patient in the area with this kind of breast cancer - it was so rare and aggressive (only 2% of all breast cancers are the diagnosis I had and only 1:15 of those women are under 35 like me). I had no point of reference and the medical team couldn't even tell me whether the treatment would work! So if I'd had something like this to hang on to... it might have given me hope and courage.

 

 

And... oh yeah... I can so identify with that Zen feeling with running. It's probably what stopped me throttling the ex in the last couple weeks.

[shelters]

And... oh yeah... I can so identify with that Zen feeling with running. It's probably what stopped me throttling the ex in the last couple weeks.

 

hahaha

 

My Mom usually does the San Diego one where they have bands playing like every few miles. Tis probably the easiest of them all considering how flat it is, easy going weather, etc.

 

Your story is very inspiring and will no doubt help others!!!

[Chinook]

... as I knew he would.

 

I wasn't at work today but my work IT dept is getting an email tomorrow demanding they block that sucker's email addresses.

 

Anyhow, to cut it short... he is now saying basically that I had the wrong end of the stick... he didn't actually say that because he can't. But not to put too fine a point on things for you guys out there who are also stuck in 'no contact' hell... this is the games they play. To keep you engaged.

 

I can see if my work server doesn't come good... the delete button on my keyboard is gonna get shiney!

 

[Chinook]

Oh, in case that wasn't clear... I accessed my work email from home and he'd emailed there.

 

I didn't reply.

 

1-0 to me.

[Guest]

People just want what they cant have dont they??haha...but you are doing great. Keep it up!!