kittyDvine Posted April 18, 2006 Posted April 18, 2006 *** my first post. i thought i'd just lay out all my issues in this first post. what a relief it is to find a place where i can voice out. because noone else knows all these things that i keep pent up. not my family, not my best friends. so here's all about me. *** I've been married for a little over two years. Everyone thinks i've found the perfect man. the greatest catch. i think so too. we have a great relationship. we are compatible on all levels. 1) the problem with me: i have insecurity issues. which is silly. to people who know me, i am the girl who seems to have it all. but it doesn't feel like that to me. i use a different benchmark. i know i am above average. but there is always those girls who are further up there. prettier. nicer. richer. trendier. smarter. cooler. i may have it all. but it means zilch when inside within me, i keep feeling i don't have enough. 2) the thing with him: is that he is such a good catch that it also means that he has a long string of ex gfs. and admirers. he has this way of treating women that makes each one feel like she's the centre of his attention. he makes me feel like that. but he also makes other women feel like that. those two things; my problem and the way he is, make me uneasy as they were. then this happened: i have always known his email password. found out accidentally ages ago when we were dating. never did anything about it. then soon after out wedding i had to move to another country for a temporary (3 years) work thing. i've been doing three months away - two months at home cycles ever since. just before our second wedding anniversay, whilst i was away, in one moment i had this massive cloud came over me. and i logged on to his email account. just like that. out of the blue. what i found was a series of email exchanges between him and another woman. i couldn't find anything that definitely suggests a physical relationship, but it was close to it. terms of endearment. talks of how much they missed each other. how they love each other. the lot. just not anything directly sexual. i confronted him about it. his explanation: he was just entertaining an emotionless flirt, enjoying the attention, he was 'playing' that other woman but never wanted to do that to me. he was playing that woman and thought i wouldn't get hurt because i wouldn't find out. he was really broken by regret, guilt and fear of losing me. i know him well enough to know that bit was true. i handled the situation as well as i could have at the time. we talked it over, sorted things out. my two regrets: 1) i told him i forgave him a bit too quickly. now i keep wishing that he had to pay a bit more for it. he got off too easily. 2) i didn't ask everything. i didn't force him to tell me everything. and now i end up occasionally having doubt creep back in and i wonder what really did happen. for example, later i found in his pda, a whole week marked off with this woman's initials. now i wonder what was that all about? it's hard for me to ask again now, because we are supposed to have moved on. There are consequences: 1) Remember the two things i said about us in the beginning? the problem with me and the thing about him? well all that are still true, in fact even more so, thus having this thing happen makes things so much harder for me. my self-esteem is rock bottom. my family and friends who do not know what has happened can't understand me. i'm the beautiful, successful, smart and nice one. they don't understand how can i have all that and yet hate myself so much. 2) My jealous streak is coming out in all its glory. I think I am suffocating him with it. 3) The jealous streak also has a hidden companion. I've been stalking this other woman. My husband has cut off all contact with her. But I haven't. I've been calling her once a week for the past six months. Just to hear her voice. I googled her name and found a photo of her on the net. 4) I've become more aware of my husband's over-friendliness with women and i list them all out. any ex girlfriends that i can find. work colleagues that he mentions more than others e.g. when i read his emails that one time, i also noticed he was super friendly with this one woman he contacts through work, yet when we met, he introduced her to me as if they'd never talked to each other before. I look them all up. 5) I measure myself against these women. they are always more beautiful or more accomplished or more fun. 6) As much as i really, really want to, I don't trust him the way I used to anymore. I used to trust him completely. and another thing that hurts is that my belief in the marriage is shattered. my marriage is not special anymore. i am not special. So there. That's my story. That's where I am at right now. *** If you are still reading, gosh, thank you. I just wanted to let it all out, you know. Now I can go on and contribute in other threads. thanks again. *** kitDv
tikigods Posted April 18, 2006 Posted April 18, 2006 you should get some professional help to help with your jealousy and your issues, what you are doing to the other woman I Think could be stalking and you don't want to keep going down that path. also you should check out counsoling with your hubby, that way you can both get your feelings out in a neutral envorment.
Chinook Posted April 18, 2006 Posted April 18, 2006 1. You go looking for a problem, you're going to find one. Passwords are there for a reason. 2. You need help. For you. You need to decide what you want out of life and put the plan of action into place to get it. If a criminal record is what you want, you're sure going about it the right way because what you're doing to your husband's 'fling' is stalking. 3. You don't trust your husband at all. You need to question why..? Is it worth it all to remain in a relationship when the trust is broken. Is he really truly able to earn it back..? Are you..? Afterall you snooped on his email. He trusted you too. 4. Counselling alone or together should be a serious consideration. Talking to a counsellor is not any different to posting on a message board. He/she doesn't know you and are alot more qualified to advise.
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