Her Parents Are Killing Her

[uRabbit]

My girlfriend's parents have completely begun a steady decline in their daughter's life. Her brother told her parents she was doing drugs, drinking, and having sex. She's 16. The only true thing would be the sex. Her parents decided to bar her from her best friend (who doesn't do anything but smoke some mary-jane every once in a while), bar her from me (the reason she doesn't do so many things, and her motivation to keep up the fight), and pretty much are yelling at her constantly. Calling her worthless, good-for-nothing, slut, and even saying things directly encouraging her to kill herself (like saying that she should just leave this world and make everyone happy).

 

Her mom had told us both that she was okay with us having sex. But since her dad found out, she's decided to take his side, as she is most likely afraid of him, and is too cowardly to stick up for her daughter.

 

I don't know what to do. Neither does she. No one has ever taken her side (authority) when she tells them of her family problems. Instead, they put her in an insitution for disturbed teenagers. A place for cutters, druggies, etc. It's just the easy way to get rid of your kid without having any responsibility for them.

 

What can we do? Seriously... This is killing both of us... And I truly fear for her life and emotional stability.

[tigger]

I can't imagine any parents who care whether or not their child is having sex being so hypocritical that they are telling her to commit suicide. My thought process would be, if they don't care if she's dead - why do they care what she does or who she sees?

 

I'm assuming you're her boyfriend being that you also mentioned her best friend...

 

Were I a parent, I would certain be in tune to what my child is doing, and who they are doing it with.

 

Ask yourself if her best friend puts off a negative attitude that makes her parents feel threatened. Does her friend cause trouble? Has your girlfriend changed at all since you two have been dating or since she's become friends with her best friend.

 

Her parents are way out of line, I'm not certain what state you live in, but if possible she should move out of her parents house. If her parents are truly that horrible to her, she needs to help herself, because they aren't any help to her, and may actually hamper her self esteem and attitude of life. She needs to report them to child services (because, while you don't believe it now, 16 is still a child). Keep in mind however, she could be pulled from her parents home and put into Foster care. At this point, you need to weigh the good against the bad.

 

Re: mother knowing you two were having sex and being ok with it, until the father found out. If the Dad is a gruff or a mean man, I don't blame the mother for backing off and backing you up, she needs to preserve her family life.

 

If she wants to prove she's not doing drugs - she should go and get a blood test and bring the results to her parents.

 

I'm going to assume the reason they are putting her in an institute is because she's said she wants to kills herself. And each time she does that, they are going to put her in a hospital.

 

Try to get her parents recorded saying these things to her, it would help if she decides she wants to divorce her parents. Depending on her grades - is getting her G.E.D. an option? She could then get a job - find a roommate and some place to live.

 

Normally I wouldn't recommend that, but with those types of words, I worry about her future self esteem and life attitude. Growing up SERIOUSLY SUCKS, I'd stay 16 for as long as I could if I were you, but some times life doesn't allow for that.

 

At the same time, I hope your post wasn't a large exaggeration of what is truly happening in this girls life. I know at 16 you feel parents don't have a clue, for better or worse, typically parents have a clue. They need to teach kids rights and wrongs and you may not be able to see it now, I swear you could very likely look back one day and see it.

 

I truly hope everything works out for the very best, that may or may not be what you want, but everything happens for a reason!!!! My bests wishes to you both.

[uRabbit]

I'm not sixteen. I am eighteen. (Please don't bash.)

 

Well. Her parents gave up on accusing her of doing drugs, 'cause she said she'd prove them wrong. And yes, her father is a really messed-up guy. He's hit her and her mom before...

 

She hasn't changed since we started going out. And she's known her best friend since kindergarten. No, he doesn't cause any trouble. Her mom LOVED him, and tried getting them to go out before...

 

I'm afraid that Child Services is not an option. She's been through that, and they haven't found anything wrong with her family life. She can't prove anything. Her mother's a very good actress. I know this, first-handedly.

 

It is VERY hard to get emancipated in this state. She must prove sexual, emotional, or physical abuse and/or neglect. She must get a job. She must stay in school. Getting a GED is possible; its the US of A. Heh.

 

She has written poems about suicide, yes. And she used to cut. But that was years ago. And she already got treated for that.

 

I'm not exaggerating. I've heard/seen everything.

[tigger]

Please please know I wasn't at all trying to bash you.

 

I'm concerned because I know suicidal thoughts are soooo easy to turn into suicidal tries! And I can totally relate to the mother being an awesome actress....I'll tell ya, women who tend to be belittled and abused develop the best acting skills!

 

I can imagine to all of you this feels like there is no way out - I hope so much time or an answer comes quickly and you and her are out of the dangerous situation. I sincerely believe there will be a light at the end of the tunnel for you guys!

 

Once she is out of that horrible situation, she and you should make it a priority to seek out mental health help. Because even though you might now feel it's needed, there are going to be deep scars that are going to need to be worked out.

 

My final recommendation - run, get GED and start your own lives. 16-18 are very hard years even when you have parents backing you up. More over though - FIND SOMEPLACE FOR HER TO GO. Will her friends parents let her stay there until something better can be decided?

 

IT WILL GET BETTER....as soon as this situation can be remedied - it will get better. I wish happiness and joy for you both!

[uRabbit]

I just meant not to bash for me dating someone under 18. Seems that everyone on here likes to do that.

 

Anyway. I understand that help is needed, and I've told her that. But she also understands that any more help she'd get now would not help if she still has to come home to her situation.

 

I don't think any of her friends' parents would let her. She's gotten rid of most of her friends, 'cause she got away from that 'scene'. And the few friends that are good ones... their parents wouldn't let her...

 

My mom would let her though... I dunno if the state would allow that though...

 

I'm working on getting my GED. And I'm working full-time at 6.50/hr. Soon to be 7/hr. So I'm workin on it. Heh.

 

We dunno what else to do though... We've talked about having a baby... cause it'd force her parents to let us see each other... But I dunno if we should jump into that. I mean, I FEEL that I'm ready for that... But I could be wrong.

[tigger]

Please please please don't have a baby! That is not the answer for anything, especially something so difficult. I mean her parents could sue you, and if you think things are rough now.......

 

Not only that, if the baby is living with her, her father could harm it.

 

It's awesome that you are working toward your GED - thats a great start. You have that goal going, now set up your next goal and make it a goal you can meet. When you are in the middle of the next goal - again create another goal that you can look forward to. It's great that you are working full-time, it shows excellent responsibility skills. If she is half as willing to work so hard to get your "adult" life started, you guys are going to be great.

 

How long before she is 17? Has she ever told her parents that she is moving out? I wonder what their reaction would be.

 

I can't condemn you for dating someone who is 16 when you are 18. It's unfortunate that that law is so defining because when you were 17, and she was 15 everything was fine. Your turning 18 doesn't make a difference. Now, if you were 21 and she was 18, and you just started dating, that I would have an issue with.

 

If you are serious in thinking you are ready to have a baby, I'd highly recommend your spending a day with a child that you are solely responsible for. If it's possible, try a 2 or 3 year old first. Then try a baby. It's so difficult. It's emotionally draining and you find yourself begging for 30 minutes to yourself.

 

Think about your day right now: (working times probably vary from what you work, I'm just trying to give an idea)

 

Wake up at 8am. You can slowly lay there, wake up. Then you get up and take a shower. Maybe roll into the kitchen and have a bowl of cereal.

 

Then off to work. Have your day at work, looking forward to come home and relaxing or getting ready to go out with friends.

 

You get home, watch some tv - maybe eat some dinner, then decide your gonna meet your friends and go to a movie. Come home when you feel like it and hit the sack.

 

With a baby:

Get up 5:30am, baby is crying and wants to be fed. Frustrating because you know you will only have 2 more hours of sleep before you have to get up and ready for work. Plus you've already been up a few times during the night to change the babies diaper and a feeding.

 

8am comes around, and you get up. You can't just lay there because you have to get ready to go to work and ensure time to get the baby dressed and ready for daycare, or the babysitter. Can't take a shower because you can't leave the baby alone.

 

You go to work, your tired from being up through the night and you know you have to go home and take care of things. Laundry, cleaning, dinner, the baby and yourself. You can't take a nap because the baby needs you.

 

You get my point.

 

It doesn't get any easier when the kids get older, once they can walk, plan on never getting rest until they are about 5.

 

It takes so much away from your life, especially when you are 18. Give yourself some time to enjoy freedom, some irresponsibility in that you only have to take care of you, and fun. You have a long time ahead of you to have children and be more financially sound and mature.

 

Again, I hope things get better soon!!!!!!!!!

[uRabbit]

Hmm... I'm almost convinced that she's not trying anymore. I think she might be getting back into things now... Maybe even talking to other guys... I just don't know anymore. Some days, she's all about pleasing me, and calls me all the time. Other days, she talks in a low tone, says she'll call me back, and never does. So I just don't know anymore...

[tigger]

She sounds like she is suffering from depression, this I have no doubt of. You can try to wait it out and see how things go from there - but if she is talking with other guys and going back to her old ways, I think you might need to let her go. It will be painful, and sad for both of you, but in the long run it might be the better way to go.

 

You sound like such a nice person, a caring guy who is ready for a relationship and looking toward your future. She is 16, that stuff probably isn't on her radar yet.

 

The better things start out for you early in your adult life, the better. Keeping your goals in mind, take time for you - study and move forward. If you and her are meant to be together, you will be.

 

One last thing. You've alluded to her "doing things". I can't be certain what they are, but if these things can hurt her, as much as you dislike her parents, some thing needs to be done. You might even consider calling her school counselor. I say this so that you can help her, if you care about her - it would be the right thing to do. Keep in mind that if it comes to that, she very likely with place blame on you and act like she hates you. She might even hate you, but later she will realize you did it because you cared.

 

Take care of you first....then look out for others. That is the only way to get through things that are so difficult. If you are taken care of then you have more strength to help others.

 

When I say take care of you first I mean: don't give up your needs to maintain a relationship. Make yourself heard in your relationships, not that you have to fight and scream, but conversations about feelings. It's easy to get lost in a relationship and being a couple, but you are you first! That couple might not be there forever, and then you become lost in a whole new way, almost like you don't know how not to be two!

 

I say this from personal experience, and hope you heed some of my advice, if not all.

 

Take care!

[uRabbit]

You're a very inspiring person.

 

Ya, her school counselor has been contact about such things before, but the school she's at (a last-chance school), the counselor isn't the best at what she does...

 

She hasn't called me in I dunno how long. But I called her Friday, and both times, she couldn't talk. So I just left it up to her to call me back. And, of course, she hasn't.

 

If it's meant to be, we'll be together... I dunno if I believe that. Because she may become wrapped up in another guy (after me), and then he may become abusive or whatever. And she'll feel like she has no where to run to, because she may think that I don't want to speak to her anymore, as so many people have done to her. Anyway... I dunno... I think if you're meant to be together, you have to work at it.

[tigger]

K - I'm going to try to make my story short. But it involves 13 years, so bear with me.

 

1991 - I'm 20 years old. (I'm an old foggy). I have a boyfriend who from day one I was not only warned about, but saw for who he was to begin with. The first infliction of pain was because his friends had stopped by his house, I was home and let them in to wait for him. They waited a little bit then left. When he got home, and I told him they had been there, he threw me down on the bed and tried to strangle me.

 

I should have left immediately. I didn't. It wasn't because I didn't have any friends to run to, or family to go to, it was because I thought I loved him. And he was just angry and it probably wouldn't happen again.

 

For the first several months I lived with him, he'd freak out about something and throw me out of his apartment and make me walk home at midnight some times 1am. This happened time and time again. And still I stayed. "If I love him enough - he will change".

 

1995 - Fed up and knowing I couldn't just break up with him because he'd beat me senseless, I drove to Minneapolis and found a job and a place to live behind his back. (My Mom lived there). I was terrified to tell him - when I finally did he just cried. I'm sure he realized my reason was to get away from him.

 

Alas - the miles did nothing to keep him away. Eventually he moved down to Minneapolis. Note: he continued with his temper, his phyical abuse and then mental abuse.

 

We didn't live together at first, but he couldn't find a job, so I ended up making all his payments for him. Thus the start of my financial downfall. Finally, we moved in together because I couldn't afford to continue to pay for two households and he wasn't in any rush to get a job. Meanwhile - he's doing drugs, and I am not aware of this. This goes on for a number of years, he'd get a job - then quit because he didn't feel comfortable etc. Still, I'm paying all of his bills and trying to keep up with my bills - furthering my debt. Deeper and deeper.

 

But still, I didn't leave. I was frightened. It wasn't because I didn't feel I had no place to go, it was because I was afraid of what he would do, and afraid of being alone again. At this point he was apparently doing cocaine and meth, in addition to some steriods he'd started taking (he was a body builder). Also during this time, he'd been using my credit card to buy his drugs with. I finally caught that and stopped it, but that was after thousands of dollars were charged. Why didn't I turn him in? Because I didn't want him to get into trouble.

 

K - so it's 2003 - we moved to a cheaper apartment and things were pretty much status quo. Except, I made friends with the manager of the apartments we were living in. Her and I had so much fun together and it was such a relief to have someone to talk to and have fun with, I really appreciated our friendship.

 

Fast forward to May 2004. My Mom had been talking with my friend and had told her she was worried about me (my Mom was worried about me). The friend asked why and my Mom said because Jim is an ahole and that he treats me badly. I found this out, and called his cell phone - he was on the phone with my friend. I asked them why they were talking and it turned out she was telling him everything my Mom had said.

 

Him and I fought - and kinda stopped talking to each other. A few days later I looked at his cell phone calls and noticed he had spoken with my friend that morning at 6:30am. I went and asked him what that was all about and he said he was fixing some apartment doors and they were talking about which ones.

 

I'm not stupid, I went to work and reviewed the cell phone bill for his phone....him and my friend had been talking all the time. I totaled the minutes and in one month they had talked 481 minutes! After reviewing previous month - they had been talking like that for 3 months. Later I find out they were a couple, while I was a couple with him and being friends with her!

 

I threw him out, but still (after all he'd put me through, the debt, the abuse and the cheating), I was begging him to come back to me. This sadness and wanting him back went on for 8 months, then one day - BAM, I realized I didn't deserve this! It was literally like that, a ton of bricks just slammed upside my head and I knew I was ok.

 

Currently I have the greatest man I could have ever asked for in my life and I know we were meant to be. That I had to go through all the stuff before to realize how good he is for me. We were made for each other, our only problems right now is that he's got four children, and I have never in my life wanted kids. I'm having a very difficult time with it, but I'm working through it because I love him and he is so good to me.

 

I tell you this fricken novel for a reason or two. 1. If she does get into an abusive relationship and decides to stay, it's not your fault. It's something she is going to need to deal with on her own. But if this still concerns you, if/when you do decide not to be together anymore - tell her you will always be there for her - no matter how long you haven't seen one another, that she can rely on you for anything. 2. You can't save something that doesn't want to be saved. She doesn't sound like she wants to be with you right now, and that has absolutely nothing to do with you personally, right now it's all about what is going on in her head. 3. Someone who deserves you is waiting for you to find them. Don't settle for less that what you deserve. There are so many years ahead of you to find the right one, but if you continue to work at this one, you may end up spending many years fighting something that doesn't want to be fixed, much like I did. Plus, you might miss the one that is just right!

 

Best wishes, good luck and happy thoughts!

[uRabbit]

Hmm... Well she just called me. Last time I talked to her was Friday night. She called and she's been drinking and smoking. I asked her why she called and she said it's cause my voice soothes(sp) her and makes her feel like a better person. She said she's a bad person and told me not to love her. I told her that she broke her promise to never drink or smoke again. Then she made the promise again, right there on the phone. I just said 'whatever'.

 

She doesn't understand what she does to me. She's ripping me apart from the inside... And I just don't know what to do... I don't wanna leave her life...

[RecordProducer]

She needs to talk to a counselor, psychologist or social worker to protect her rights. Her situation sounds pretty bad and she CAN get help from authorized people. Most likely they will invite the whole family, discuss things with each member independently and together, find ways to establish good communication and understanding for them. The legal system doesn't like abusive fathers and mistreated children so your girl has a lot of chance to get out as a winner.

[uRabbit]

Been there. Done that. Didn't work.