salice182820 Posted April 18, 2006 Posted April 18, 2006 well to make a long story short i screwed up and fell in love. not that i am complaining its actually quite nice most of the time though it is never what i intended. My boyfiend and i have been together exactly a year now and i love him whole heartedly but with loving him comes trying to deal with his past. he was previously married and had a awsome son who i adore, but i dont know alot about him and his ex's break up. I know he still has some feelings for her and that is to be expected he was with her for a long time and you cant just blow off the past, it is always going to be part of you. But the thing that effects me the most is the fact she controls him and he lets her. it drives me up the wall; like i dont mean to dis respect her but she is a "peice of work" and i dont mean that kindly. She tells him exactly what she wants all the time and i am like hunny move on and that is another thing she has a boyfriend and yet she is still hanging on her ex's (my boyfriends) nuts. Like tonight she called over to his house and she was actually civil to me which is odd and then she talks to my boyfriend and he gets him to take in a dog!!! this might sound petty but he just lost my dog which he didn't even like and now he wants the one his ex is trying to push off on him! ugh!! That and he lives in a tiny house and this new dog is huge a sorry about the spelling but a rotweiler. And my dog he hated was a little lap dog not even ten pounds. I dont know how to deal with this i mean i dont want to dis-respect anyone but i hate always feeling second, always feeling punished because of her and her mistakes in his past. He does this alot nad sometimes i dont think that he notices but it hurts it really does. I am not her and i wish he would relise that. If anyone has ever gone through this i could use advise. I am winging it here and sometimes i am not sure if i am doing things right. I have never been with someone before with a ex wife and i dont know how to take her.
tikigods Posted April 18, 2006 Posted April 18, 2006 you are number 2, and until he gets over his ex you will always be number 2. You aren ever going to be free from her since they have a child together, but you are never going to get the respect or the love from him while he still has feeling for her, I think its time to cut your loses and find someone with a lot less baggage
2sunny Posted April 18, 2006 Posted April 18, 2006 Bottom line is, he is acting and reacting and interacting with his ex because of guilty feelings. THAT IS IT ! If you can live with him being this way forever, then move forward, if not - then bail. It will never change, guilt - especially when a child is concerned, is a tough battle. His ex will always be there - always making demands, because SHE has the child and the history with him...... too powerful for new love even......
mental_traveller Posted April 18, 2006 Posted April 18, 2006 Give him an ultimatum, you or her, and dump him if he doesn't make the decision you want.
Mz. Pixie Posted April 18, 2006 Posted April 18, 2006 I choose not to deal with my husband's ex wife. She is his to deal with. We made that deal when we married- he deals with his ex- I deal with mine. It works pretty well most of the time. When I have to see her for events for their son she's always nice to me and I'm nice to her. I served her cake at her son's birthday party! Bottom line, I know she lost a good thing and I feel sorry for her. She's always going to be a part of his life because they have a child. You can't force him to choose because you will lose, because of the child. I'd discuss with him how much interaction he has with her and tell him it should only be about the child. If he can't get over her it would be best for you to move on. Everyone over 16 brings baggage to a relationship- you just have to choose whether or not you're willing to put up with that baggage or not.
littlekitty Posted April 18, 2006 Posted April 18, 2006 I choose not to deal with my husband's ex wife. She is his to deal with. We made that deal when we married- he deals with his ex- I deal with mine. It works pretty well most of the time. When I have to see her for events for their son she's always nice to me and I'm nice to her. I served her cake at her son's birthday party! Bottom line, I know she lost a good thing and I feel sorry for her. She's always going to be a part of his life because they have a child. You can't force him to choose because you will lose, because of the child. I'd discuss with him how much interaction he has with her and tell him it should only be about the child. If he can't get over her it would be best for you to move on. Everyone over 16 brings baggage to a relationship- you just have to choose whether or not you're willing to put up with that baggage or not. I think Mz Pixie has the best advice here! If you haven't already communicated your feeling to him about this (you should have!) then do so. Make sure he understands that you are only concerned about how much he still does for his exw and how much she relies on him - that it is not about contact with his son etc. I had to cross this barrier with my SO and his exgf (they have a son). As another poster says, much of this is guilt on his behalf no doubt. He feels bad for letting his child down and therefore is trying to do all he can to appease this. However, the best thing he can do is love his son, not run around after his exw. If he isn't willing to put his foot down, then you have to either accept or move on.
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