jhurtinct Posted April 18, 2006 Posted April 18, 2006 About 3 yrs ago my SO of almost 7 yrs bought a motorcycle with out telling me and kept it at a friends house. (he didn't tell me because I was absolutly against him having one, for the fact I 'm scared to death of them) Around the time he was riding the motorcycle with out me knowing he was cheating on me when our son was about 1 yr old for a few months. We have sense gotten threw that with alot of hard times, and he sold the bike. Well now today he tells me he is looking at bikes because he is going to buy one, he wants one. Well I had told him the first time if he got one I would leave him ( thinking this would keep him from getting one) it didn't it just caused him to lie about it. We ended up breaking up anyway because I found out he cheated. When we got back together he said he would do anything to get back to the way it was, one of which was selling the bike. Now I feel like its a slap in the face. I feel like my feelings don't matter, and he will just do ANYTHING he wants. I don't want him to have on #1 reason is I'm scared to death of them and him getting hurt, I couldn't live having to tell my son something happen.#2 I stil am so hurt about the first time and the girls on the back and I can't get it out of my head. Please tell me if I'm 100% WRONG and do I have a right to say no to something he wants to do, and should I feel like he has no regard for my feelings and wishes?
Curmudgeon Posted April 18, 2006 Posted April 18, 2006 Given all that went before I think you have every right to be concerned. Obviously, you and your relationship are not his primary focus or top priority.
Author jhurtinct Posted April 18, 2006 Author Posted April 18, 2006 I was think the same thing thank you for your response, even though it's not what I wanted to hear, unfortunately. thank you:(
Curmudgeon Posted April 18, 2006 Posted April 18, 2006 I'm sure it's not what you wanted to hear and I wish I could respond otherwise. I can't. I didn't make my ex or our marriage the priority they should have been and that's part of why she's the ex after 25 years. Thankfully, I learned my lesson!
Author jhurtinct Posted April 18, 2006 Author Posted April 18, 2006 I'm sorry to hear that but happy you realize for the better, I thought he had but I guess he will just neve "grow up" wtf does grow up mean anyway?, but thanks again. I just wish I knew how to handle it I don't know how to even approach it because I don't know if it wrong to say YOU CAN"T DO THAT to a grown man or if I am just acting stupid?
tikigods Posted April 18, 2006 Posted April 18, 2006 I agree you guys aren't number 1 to him, and after what happened last time I think you have every right to be concerned and upset
Curmudgeon Posted April 18, 2006 Posted April 18, 2006 Approach is everything. I never tell my wife (yes, I'm married again) what she can or can't do. I simply and calmly establish boundaries I can live with. There's only one real deal-breaker in our marriage and that's infidelity. I went through that with the ex and have absolutely no tolerance for it. My wife treats me the same way. I guess it helps that we're best friends, have nothing but respect for one another (and that includes each other's feelings) and can communicate openly and fruitfully. Our relationship is built upon mutuality.
Curmudgeon Posted April 18, 2006 Posted April 18, 2006 PS. You've still posting in the dating site after having been together for seven years and having a child together. That could say a lot about your relationship and each of you, and even more about commitment.
salice182820 Posted April 18, 2006 Posted April 18, 2006 just be straight up with him and tell him how you feel and that you are concerned and hurt with his insencitivity
AriaIncognito Posted April 18, 2006 Posted April 18, 2006 I agree with curmugeon. You need to just calmly talk to him, and let him know how it makes you feel. Hopefully, you can come to some sort of middle ground. I don't think it's entirely fair of you to think he should just give it up just because you don't like it, as you'd certainly not want to have to give up something you like. Hopefully, there's a middle ground that can be reached, so that you can both be happy with the situation. Good luck, Jennifer
Author jhurtinct Posted April 18, 2006 Author Posted April 18, 2006 it sounds like a perfect relationship, I could only dream of having. Right now I feel like we aren't even friend anymore and I wish could fix it over night. Its like a revolving door no matter how many times we try we end up right back in the same place over and over and each time it seems to take less time to get there. tikigod ty for your response also:)
Author jhurtinct Posted April 18, 2006 Author Posted April 18, 2006 and ps. that just explained and outlined your ps. you hit it on the nose. and ty to everyone. Jennifer ty part of me started to feel it was wrong to teel someone you can't do something, it just scares me and hurts me
littlepiggy1 Posted April 18, 2006 Posted April 18, 2006 If he entered the relationship knowing that you wouldn't want him to have a motorcycle, then he has no excuse. He shouldn't have bought one. But then again, I don't know the full history so I'm making assumptions. And there's nothing wrong with not wanting your SO to not have a motorcycle. You're entitled to your wants and needs. You just need to find one who doesn't like 'em.
CaliGuy Posted April 18, 2006 Posted April 18, 2006 You can not control other people. That is impossible. You can however lay down a boundary. A choice. You gave him a choice. If he decides to get the bike you will leave him. You're not making the decision, he is. He has a decision to make. Get the bike, lose his s/o Don't get the bike, keep his family in tact. Just make darn sure if you lay down that boundary and he crosses it that you are prepared to leave. If you really want to know what's more valuable to him, a bike or his family, you'll find out soon. Boundaries that are crossed with no repercussions have the same effect as not having any at all.
JustWantToBeHappy Posted April 18, 2006 Posted April 18, 2006 I'm going to agree with Cali Guy. I don't think any of us have the right to demand the way someone behaves. We only have the choice to keep them in our lives. jhurtinct, I feel exactly the way you do about motorcycles. I've had 2 relationships over the years with men that wanted to get one. I told them if they do, I was leaving. Thankfully, they didn't get one (or maybe unfortunately) depending on how you look at it now that we're not together anyway (could have saved years of heartache...lol) But like CaliGuy says, be prepared to leave. And I think you should if he gets one. Not even because he chose the bike over his family as much as, having to continue to love someone that constantly puts themselves in harms way. Sorry bike lovers, that's how I feel about them. To me it's like staying with a person who jumps off cliffs or a drug addict. Any day, their life could end and it would be so much easier if I wasn't part of it every day when that happens. I wouldn't want to love someone every day that has the increased chance of killing themself. Having said all of that, it's likely he will ditch the bike when you REALLY do leave him.
mental_traveller Posted April 18, 2006 Posted April 18, 2006 I agree with Caliguy. I don't ride a bike, but I'd be almost tempted to do so if a s/o told me I couldn't do it. I don't want to be with someone who thinks they can run my life. Chances are he felt the same and though "screw this", but instead of being open about it and dumping you, he went behind your back with it. So yeah he took the wrong way to tell you to get lost, but that's basically what he did. You tried to control someone who didn't like being told what to do. Either you approach your differences in a more mature way, or you cut your losses and leave. Given the history I'd move on if I were you.
justagirliegirl Posted April 18, 2006 Posted April 18, 2006 I feel differently about this. He is a grown man, not 12. If he wants a bike, that is his business not yours. I wouldn't ever put up with someone telling me what I can or can't buy.
aleatoryd Posted April 18, 2006 Posted April 18, 2006 Well you can see it both ways. Rebelling against a controlling woman OR putting his partner and child first. The question is why does he want another bike and will this open the door to more cheating? If he is turning this into a bike or you thing then unless he changes it doesn't bode well for the future. Sit him down and talk it through. Once trust is completely gone from a relationship it is just a question of time before it breaks down. I hope you get him to see sense.
justagirliegirl Posted April 18, 2006 Posted April 18, 2006 If someone is going to cheat they will do it with or without a motorcycle. Bossing someone around isn't going to make anything better either.
catgirl1927 Posted April 18, 2006 Posted April 18, 2006 While I think it's ridiculous to try to "forbid" an adult to do anything, that he would buy the motorcycle and hide it is staggeringly stupid and immature. You seem to be glossing over the fact that he cheated on you. Screw the motorcycle. He cheated. Why are you with him? He sounds like a selfish child.
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