Guest Posted April 18, 2006 Posted April 18, 2006 My girlfriend of a tumultuous two years and I broke up about six weeks ago. She and I had a difficult relationship for a number of reasons, first of which was the emotional and physical distance I maintained following stressful times. I should mention that she represented my first legitimate attempt at a real relationship, and I'm 34. I've had plenty of flings, but have just never understood or felt capable of the deeper connection thing. She and I met at a restaurant where we both worked and she pursued me very aggressively. At that point in my life, as has been my story most of my life, I was not looking for a serious relationship. I have never had good luck with serious relationships and had sort of convinced myself that they were something I didn't need; that I was independent and liked my freedom. I made it abundantly clear to her that I was not looking for anything serious, but she said she was cool with that and we basically just screwed a lot and hung out from time to time. I don't think I ever actually called her during the first five months we knew each other, if that gives you some idea of how into the relationship I was. Enter the fall of that year. I should probably mention that I have bipolar II disorder, which is similar to the more hard-core bipolar I disorder only I don't hallucinate or become delusional when I get an upswing in my mood. I mostly become completely full of myself, spend money I don't have, pick up chicks like Don Juan, and drive like a complete a**h***. So it's late September/early October and she and I are still hanging out in the periphery. At the same time I am hooking up (in a relatively low-grade fashion, i.e. no intercourse) with the young daughter of the boss and a couple of other women here and there. Even at the time, I knew it was wrong, but impulsivity is part-and-parcel of the disorder so I'll plead temporary insanity. This piece of information factors in later, so please bear with me. Anyhow, on Friday October 2, 2004, I dropped a friend off after a night of bar-b-que, beer, and generally erratic behavior and proceeded to total my car and another car (parked and unoccupied, fortunately) while driving with no insurance. With the clarity of hindsight, I am lucky to be alive. This was the only time in my life I had driven without insurance and the only time I've ever needed it. The irony is thick. Basically, this woman who I'd been screwing for the summer swooped in and assumed the role of nurturing "girlfriend" during my time of emotional need. And believe me, I was broken and needy. I was able to walk away from a massive accident but I had basically flushed $50,000 down the toilet and the depression that follows a f***-up of that caliber can be tough. She and I began hanging out a lot and I also started getting to know her two-year old son, who I had only met in passing prior to this. I started enjoying her company as well as his, but for whatever reason my mind was always telling me that I did not want this relationship. We were enjoying each other's company and starting to build on something more serious than just screwing, but I never allowed myself to run with it. By this point, the end of October, I had long since put a stop to the previously mentioned shenanigans involving the young woman and had been socializing exclusively with the "girlfriend". However, like a fool I had mentioned to someone what I had done, he had mentioned it to his girlfriend, and she then mentioned it to my arch-nemesis at the restaurant: a woman I had basically rejected earlier in the summer to instead hang out with the "girlfriend". So basically this all blows up at work, the day after Bush "won" in 2004 (which was enough to send me into a depression by itself), and I went into level 3 damage control. I took the initiative and told her myself when she showed up for work and she said: "You're an a**h***!" and was crying in about 0.25 seconds. She waited her tables that whole night with her eyes welled up with tears and I felt terrible. In my defense, we did have an explicit understanding at the time everything took place with the other woman that we were not exclusive and that I hadn't been looking for a relationship, but in her defense she and this girl hated each other because of an obvious rivalry over me even prior to her learning this new and disturbing information, so it was particularly painful for her. I let her know how much I had enjoyed her company that month and how important she had become to me - all true at the time. She agreed to get past it and we continued to spend time together. I don't know why, but I never really got into it. I have always had this sort of fairy tale understanding of what I need in order to have a successful relationship: I have to have a crazy crush on some dream woman and charm her into loving me. I know, it's immature and unrealistic, but I'm emotionally stunted. The fact that she had chased me down didn't sit well with me for whatever reason. So by the spring of 2005 she and I were drifting apart. I had since been fired from my bartending job - which I clearly deserved - and had been forced to give up the house I had rented. I loved my house, it was incredible. So I had lost my car, my job(s), and my house. Needless to say I was not in the best of moods. Our relationship was not going well and in April we basically just decided to end it. Then something odd happened. I learned that she had been building a new relationship with this guy who was always in the restaurant and that it had been going on for a while while she and I were still together. I don't know why, but it totally got me fired up and for some reason or other, even though I had myself convinced I wanted out and against my better judgement, I "won" her back. I should also mention that she is a HIGH LEVEL codependent and has basically had a boyfriend and/or husband continuously since she was 14, something that always bothered me. She is extremely clingy and needy, almost like an emotional vampire at times. We went on to have a completely revitalized relationship that really seemed electric. The sex was incredible and frequent and everything was going really well. Since I had retreated to my mom's house when I lost my house, I had been spending three or four nights a week at her place. I decided to take a big step and suggested that since I was there so much, maybe I should move some of my things in and help her with her rent. Important to note is that I still had no job and carry a relatively large expense load even without rent, so it was daunting for me to think about taking on more expenses. She had also been nagging me to move some stuff over there, anyway. So then, right before I was leaving town for two weeks to work for a friend's dad in Philadelphia, she tells me that she's being evicted and that WE need to find a new place. This represented an entirely new level of committment for me and pushed me well outside of my emotional comfort zone. She had a son, two dogs, a cat, and plus I didn't really trust her due to the whole episode that had taken place with the "other man" earlier. I don't even remember if I mentioned this yet, but she had had an affair which ended her marriage, so precedent had been established with respect to her looking outside of her relationships to have her needs met, so to speak. One day after looking at a really gloomy little hole in the wall apartment, I said "I can't live here." I blamed it on the apartment, which was a dump, but in reality I didn't feel like I could sign a twelve month lease with her at that point. I did really like her a lot at that point, but I wasn't sure I would be able to survive a lifestyle change this drastic. I remember trying to convey to her my feelings and let her know that I was afraid and she said to me "I need to be with someone who wants to be with me." Ouch. Thinly veiled threat that if I didn't do what she wanted, she'd leave me for another man. She's very hot and extremely seductive, both of which also troubled me given my insecurities and her need for continuous validation. She get hit on all the time, and always seems to let me know about it. That's another aspect that troubled me. I didn't really care to hear about all the guys who stopped her in the street to ask her out. Unfortunately, I internalize everything and don't let her know that it bothers me. Why? I don't know. I feared confrontation with this woman. I didn't really analyze that statement about wanting to be with her that closely at that point in time, but we did find an apartment and I never moved in with her. We stayed together, but the relationship had effectively died. We spent a lot of time together but for some reason or other I just never felt a sexual charge around her again. She always wanted to cuddle or have me give her a back rub, but for whatever reason I wanted nothing physical from her. I feel like I stayed around so long because I felt guilty for not moving in (which I had told her I wasn't comfortable doing), because I was comfortable (if you can be comfortable and miserable at the same time), and, I loved her son. He and I had a fantastic relationship and I really enjoyed getting to function in a father figure type role. I should also mention that my dad was an abusive a**h***. Not so much physically, but emotionally, and I was the primary recipient of his torment. I think that's why I felt so good about my relationship with her son, because I was good to him and said nice things to him, read to him, got to wrestle with him. All stuff my dad never did with me. There was a lot about him that I enjoyed. She, on the other hand, had driven me away. I always asked her to just show me some independence, to go out with her friends, not to count on me to entertain her or whatever, but she never obliged. She told me it wasn't "normal" to want that. I told her that I felt like she never gave me a chance to want her, that she was always tracking me down. I said "why don't you ever wait for me to call you?". I just felt smothered and not sexually attracted to her. So six weeks ago, I'm drunk. I don't usually get drunk, per se, I have a few drinks. This night, a Friday, I'm pretty buzzed. She and I are hanging out at the restaurant/bar where she waits tables (different place). She goes to do something, comes back and says "I want to know who you f***ed last winter!". I said no one, which was true, and demanded to know who told her that. She said it didn't matter, and clearly I disagreed. It escalated to the point where I said "That's it, we're f***ing done! I'm through with you!" There were tons of hysterics on her part, as usual, and she had to be physically restrained while I left. She called me about twenty times that night (that's par for the course when we fight) and I finally answered at 5:30 Saturday morning. We talked for a long time and I finally said that no, I wasn't going to break up with her over that. I had overreacted and she called the woman who told her the rumor (that I had screwed someone who was "dirty" and that she (my girlfriend) should be careful around me) who was off by more than a year and I never slept with the woman anyway - she blew me. So we reconciled as much as we could and agreed to see each other that night after she got off work and have dinner. Unfortunately, I met up with my friends and got drunk. I know it was wrong, but it happened anyway. As much as it sounds like it from this story, I'm not drunk all the time. I kept dropping in to her work to check to see when she would be done, but then got sidetracked and went up to a friends house. I called her and told her to just drive up after work. She did, and she brought a HUGE attitude with her. She was giving me serious s*** and, and like the drunk fool I was, I said "Why are you being such a fu*king c*nt?" This is a word I had never used with her before and I am not sure where it came from, but it came out. She came over and slapped me, which she had a habit of doing, and we again broke up. She again had to be physically restrained from attacking me and she was driven home by my friend's girlfriend, who happens to be her friend as well. This time was for keeps. We continued to hang out a little bit as friends, but a week later she started seeing a 61 year old guy from the bar. I've known him my whole life and he's a friend of mine's dad. I again got angry and hurt and couldn't believe that she was over me and moving on already. I asked for another try, but she said she had to do this, for herself. I totally agree with her and accept that I never showed up to provide her the physical, emotional, and unfortunately, financial support she needed from me. I lashed out at her several times with sharp-tongued jabs. I told her it was good she was with him because she needed to be with somone who couldn't do any better and I felt like I was settling the whole time I was with her (partly true). She slapped me for that, too. She flaunted her new relationship all over town. I attempted to go cold turkey early on and not talk to her, but she called continuously. On a Sunday night at 1:00am, after successfully evading her calls for five days, I was awoken from a Xanax induced slumber and like a fool answered the phone. I then listened to her sobbing telling me she was still totally in love with me and that she'd take me back in a second if only.....if only I could change. That's a big if only. I told her it wouldn't work, that I couldn't change, that I had wanted out for a long time. The following day, I was feeling really good. At least she was suffering, too, I thought. That afternoon, I called her to see if I could come over and cheer her up. I had myself convinced that since her dad had abandoned her and her mother (he's in her life now, but left when she was young and her mother attempted suicide because of it), she was just insecure and needed a man. I realized that I'd starved her emotionally and physically and I just wanted to go over and say nice things to her and make her feel good. Unfortunately, she sucked the life out of me while I was there and I left feeling worse than I had in days. Anywho... It's been a painful six weeks, but I've actually done a lot of growing up. Sometimes you have to have your heart broken to really look inside yourself and see what makes you tick. I learned that I'm basically counter-dependent and have always just put up walls and/or sabotaged any long-term relationship opportunities I've come across. That's something I'm going to work on in therapy. I've also pretty much stopped drinking. I'm not going to quit completely right now, I'm going to aggressively monitor it. I'm back at the gym, which I stopped doing when I wrecked my car. I'm riding my bicycle and already have almost 600 miles and it's still April. The long and short of it is, I feel rejuvenated and invigorated and am working hard at self-improvement. A week ago Friday night, I saw the two of them out together for the first time in several weeks. I have not been drinking lately as I try to figure out exactly what it is that's wrong with me, but she and her new guy (a real drunk, not just a part-timer like me) were hammered and all over each other. I would much rather have not said anything, but I said to him "You're lookin' a little sweaty there, Gramps. Plus (and I tapped his face), it looks like you're getting a liver spot. You'll probably want to get that checked out." A while later, she came up to me and tried to talk and I said "Look at yourself, you're trashed. Nice. Wrinkles is waiting for you over there, why don't you leave me alone." I never know how I'm going to react until I've done it, and I wasn't exactly proud of the way I handled that encounter. That night, the way she and I both acted, made me realize that I couldn't continue having any contact with her. Even though I wanted out of the relationship and never felt it was right, never really trusted her, and whatever else I did wrong, I still, believe it or not, have feelings for her. We did have a lot of good times mixed in with all the bad stuff. Maybe it's just sour grapes that she's moved on and I don't feel anywhere near well enough emotionally to look for another woman, but I am still bitter. She continues to call me basically every day, but I just let it ring through to voicemail and then delete the messages without listening to them. We live in a small town and there's no way I can avoid seeing her, but that doesn't mean I have to socialize with her. I know there is no chance of us working out together and her relationship with the new guy seems to be going gangbusters. I still get serious rage when I see him, like I want to kick his teeth in. I know I'm going to keep pushing his buttons, even though it's petty and immature. He doesn't have a driver's license for multiple offense DWI's. She sure knows how to pick 'em, eh? I don't even know if I'm looking for replies. I actually doubt anyone will read this whole thing. If you have gotten this far and you have anything to add, any questions, or you just want to remind me of what a fool I am, please feel free. Thanks for reading.
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