Vertex Posted April 18, 2006 Posted April 18, 2006 KittenMoon: We're in the same boat here so I thought I'd let you know what I am currently thinking about everything (may or may not apply, but alas) I too miss talking about daily things with someone close. But it isn't possible to do this with your ex at the moment and so no-contact is probably the best way to go. I'm very lonely at the moment and I know you must feel the same way too, but if there's anything I've learned from all the unfortunate circumstances in my life it's that you HAVE to look at the bright side of things. Like, seriously, there's no room for negativity. It won't help you progress. What may help is to "accept" the bad. Yeah, the situation sucks, but in response to it we can try to be proactive and make things better. You will make more friends over time and eventually find yourself talking about daily things again. As for healing, I think this site is a good start. It's helped me understand my emotions a bit better and I think I am moving on a lot faster than if I tried to understand everything myself. Of course we only have a limited picture of things on this site, but sometimes the best answer is an obvious one that doesn't need overanalysis. Sometimes I wonder if I am more sad over losing a specific person or if I am more afraid of being alone with nobody to talk to. I'm trying to be honest with myself as much as I can and I think I was more afraid of being alone. I knew my ex and I were not fully compatible, but I know that I now have a better idea of what I want in the future. It might be lonely now... but I have to accept that things will get better. I think in your situation the best move would be to leave the message be. What can come from a reply? You need to heal and keeping a link with that ex will prolong negative feelings... but of course this isn't easy. :/ Takes a lot of willpower, but when you first make that move contrary to your impulse... it feels pretty good, actually. You feel like you're able to make your own decisions and not be bound by others and you feel very confident and independent the more you're able to do it. This is just my take on things, so I hope it helps you somehow -- I feel like we're going through a lot of the same things right now.
Author KittenMoon Posted April 18, 2006 Author Posted April 18, 2006 I know everybody here is probably right. I mean, if he has something to say, he can walk the 1 mile to my apt, drive for 3 minutes, relay it through our numerous friends, IM me, or actually email me more than a single word. We tried to leave things on good terms. And they are, mostly, but not to the point where we can be friends. I also have this awful fear he's trying to get up the gumption to ask me something dumb, like where his invitation to our friend's wedding is. Or if our friends finally decided to send it, if I'm still going with him. Or are we getting a gift together still. Essentionally, I wonder if he's going to ask me questions that alleviate stress from him (I know he's going to hate having to pick out and buy his OWN damn wedding gift). In that case, I will just feel used, hurt, etc, and once again turned into his secretary, just like I was complaining about the last few months of our relationship. Ok, that's pretty much it. I'm scared of getting hurt. Goddamnit, my head is being logical, my heart is being a JERK.
zarathustra Posted April 18, 2006 Posted April 18, 2006 My ex just emailed me. I'll share with you all: Subject: "hey" Body: "hey" I had just gotten off the phone with my mom, crying again at how completely mental he was acting, and this just seals it. I immediatly called her back and said "I'm going to KILL him". What the heck and hell does this crap mean??!!!!! Hang in there KM, this moment will pass too. IMO, the meaning of the message = Hello there, is there any part of you that I can stick my sharp claws in so that you can feel pain and never let me go. I think that's what a lot of people do in break ups. They break up with you, but don't want you to let go of them even though they have moved on. Set a block on your email so that you can take back control of your life. Cruel a--hole.
Chinook Posted April 18, 2006 Posted April 18, 2006 Cruel a--hole. Exactly! KM, stay away chick. Let him buy his own damn gift and work out whether to go with someone or not. It's not your problem to worry about now.
Author KittenMoon Posted April 18, 2006 Author Posted April 18, 2006 Hang in there KM, this moment will pass too. IMO, the meaning of the message = Hello there, is there any part of you that I can stick my sharp claws in so that you can feel pain and never let me go. I think that's what a lot of people do in break ups. They break up with you, but don't want you to let go of them even though they have moved on. Set a block on your email so that you can take back control of your life. Cruel a--hole. No, he's not trying to be cruel. I have only seen one quick moment of cruelty EVER from this guy in six years, and it was spontaneous and not thought out. And he regretted it (mostly). He doesn't, however, grasp other's emotions at all. He lacks empathy. Throughout this, he's been unable to realize the things that he's done that have hurt me the most. I want us to have another chance someday, but not until he's figured that out. And maybe not at all, I don't know. Confused. He was mostly good to me, far more than a lot of girls got, but I'm tired of making excuses for him and his immature emotional state. If he figures it out, great, if not, well, I can't do the hand-holding anymore through his emotional growth.
shelters Posted April 18, 2006 Posted April 18, 2006 IMO, the meaning of the message = Hello there, is there any part of you that I can stick my sharp claws in so that you can feel pain and never let me go. I think that's what a lot of people do in break ups. They break up with you, but don't want you to let go of them even though they have moved on. I don't know your situation but I agree with the above. My ex would prefer to be in contact (emailing me articles that would interest me, texting me inside jokes, etc... all AFTER he had broken up with me). For a few weeks I was ok with it until I started to realize he just wants to ween himself off of me and/or wants to relieve his own guilt by receiving "nice" replies back from me. Screw that!! I'd not answer the email at all. Delete, delete, delete!
Author KittenMoon Posted April 18, 2006 Author Posted April 18, 2006 Exactly! KM, stay away chick. Let him buy his own damn gift and work out whether to go with someone or not. It's not your problem to worry about now. Invitations do not allow for guests unless noted!!!! This was a rule set down by our (poorish) friends who have enough damn people coming already. Anyways, I can't even imagine the evilness he'd get from everyone there if he brought another girl, considering no one at this wedding has ever known us when we were not together. Well, one, but that was for a grand total of about three weeks, when he knew us only as good friends.
Author KittenMoon Posted April 18, 2006 Author Posted April 18, 2006 For a few weeks I was ok with it until I started to realize he just wants to ween himself off of me and/or wants to relieve his own guilt by receiving "nice" replies back from me. Screw that!! This may very well be true... forget it. He can MISS me as much as I miss him. No weaning from my teat!!!!
shelters Posted April 18, 2006 Posted April 18, 2006 No, he's not trying to be cruel. I have only seen one quick moment of cruelty EVER from this guy in six years, and it was spontaneous and not thought out. And he regretted it (mostly). For whatever it is worth, my ex was (is) an amazing human being who treated me with kindness and I believe had only the best of intentions with our relationship. Not to go off into my story but all that feel-good stuff only goes so far when the result is YOU are hurting. I'm am verrry much about compassion (even for ex-es) but you also need to put yourself first, which you are obviously doing just by posting the thread in the first place. Keep it up.
pippen_2k Posted April 18, 2006 Posted April 18, 2006 KM Im sorry for your pain, but look how much we have dwelled into things over one single word ... 'Hey' Your gonna drive ur self to insanity if you look too deep into things. There is no way possible that you or anyone here can know what his intentions or thoughts are. Its been said a million times but never take emails or text messages seriously. Its a cowardly option and you should just block them.
Author KittenMoon Posted April 18, 2006 Author Posted April 18, 2006 Not going to block him- that's far more drastic than this situation calls for. As for insanity- I'm an artist, it's probably good for me. No no, but really, what doesn't kill me will make me stronger right? So I throw myself into the fire sometimes, maybe more often than I should...
pippen_2k Posted April 18, 2006 Posted April 18, 2006 Not going to block him- that's far more drastic than this situation calls for. As for insanity- I'm an artist, it's probably good for me. No no, but really, what doesn't kill me will make me stronger right? So I throw myself into the fire sometimes, maybe more often than I should... Give it time ... Blocking him is what the situation calls for but ur just blinded at the moment, ( been there done that )... happens to all of us. Once you get tired of the hurt you will realise this and take action
Author KittenMoon Posted April 18, 2006 Author Posted April 18, 2006 No, really, there's no reason to block him. It's not like that. Ignoring what he says, on the otherhand, is just fine.
pippen_2k Posted April 18, 2006 Posted April 18, 2006 ok cool, I just thought hearing from him was causing you grief ... It musnt be
Author KittenMoon Posted April 18, 2006 Author Posted April 18, 2006 ok cool, I just thought hearing from him was causing you grief ... It musnt be The only reason it's causing me grief is because it is undefined. It's open ended. I thought I had made it clear that communication needed to be sparse and very compartmentalized (Here's my new address for emergencies, got a new job, I'm not dead, etc). I'm simply wondering if I need to make things more clear, because I don;t think he realizes he giving me the worst thing of all... hope.
shelters Posted April 18, 2006 Posted April 18, 2006 I'm simply wondering if I need to make things more clear, because I don;t think he realizes he giving me the worst thing of all... hope. I hear ya.
Chinook Posted April 18, 2006 Posted April 18, 2006 KM: Actually, no... his original email IS causing you grief. He may not be being intentionally cruel - just same way my ex isn't. But that said, he hasn't got the emotional maturity to let go either. You've said it yourself... he's giving you hope which is misplaced and I have just cut my ex dead for doing the exact same thing. Believe me, further down the road, you're going to find yourself tired of hurting. You're reading into what he sent you - as far as he is concerned he has stuck to your own rules!! It's simply an immature boy way of thinking! He hasn't said what is happening with him, he's simply letting you know that he's still alive. He probably doesn't know WTF to write !! You're placing a double standard on him. Either you want contact or you don't. Boys don't get subtlety (so all my boy-type-friends tell me) If this is your real true assessment of the situation, he doesn't know what he should write. It's that simple. Either that or he is actually sticking the needle in to see if you still hurt (which is what my gut feeling is)
Author KittenMoon Posted April 18, 2006 Author Posted April 18, 2006 KM: Actually, no... his original email IS causing you grief. What?! I admitted this. He hasn't said what is happening with him, he's simply letting you know that he's still alive. He probably doesn't know WTF to write !! You're placing a double standard on him. Either you want contact or you don't. Boys don't get subtlety (so all my boy-type-friends tell me) If this is your real true assessment of the situation, he doesn't know what he should write. It's that simple. Which is why I am wondering if I need to clarify or ignore... I'm leaning towards ignoring right now, thank you very much. Either that or he is actually sticking the needle in to see if you still hurt (which is what my gut feeling is) This is NOT the case. If anything, he's poking around to see if I'm better yet, so he can stop feeling guilty. (like a damn puppy whining for forgiveness) Sometimes I feel really sad for people on this site to see them having been hurt so much, their immediate reaction is that the other person is trying to intentionally hurt (although, I admit, this is the case quite often, just not here).
Pyro Posted April 18, 2006 Posted April 18, 2006 So what KM??? That the way men are. His behaviour is totally normal. This is only a generalization.
zarathustra Posted April 18, 2006 Posted April 18, 2006 Ignore the note. If one word is causing you grief, you think an essay from him clarifying why he sent it, his intent, etc. will? Ignorance is bliss, but not it is not to be used as an excuse. If he is emotionally ignorant/retarded/immature/whatever you want to call it, he is being cruel to you without knowing he is being cruel to you. Maybe this is another spontaneous and thoughtless action from him that turned out to be cruel. He should feel bad about it.
Author KittenMoon Posted April 19, 2006 Author Posted April 19, 2006 Haven't replied. Trying to stay strong. I decided that I could envision a lot of scenarios where I got hurt more, but none where I could feel better.
shelters Posted April 19, 2006 Posted April 19, 2006 Haven't replied. Trying to stay strong. I decided that I could envision a lot of scenarios where I got hurt more, but none where I could feel better. Delete the email that way you don't have anything to even reply to should you find yourself having a weak moment.
RecordProducer Posted April 19, 2006 Posted April 19, 2006 My ex just emailed me. I'll share with you all: Subject: "hey" Body: "hey" I had just gotten off the phone with my mom, crying again at how completely mental he was acting, and this just seals it. I immediatly called her back and said "I'm going to KILL him". What the heck and hell does this crap mean??!!!!!Hey or hi, it's stupid to write just that. He is low class, bad-mannered, and empty-headed, I'd say.
johan Posted April 19, 2006 Posted April 19, 2006 Hay is for horses. Cows eat grass. If you don't like it. You can kiss my ass. how about that. I concur. This is probably the best response.
the_alchemyst Posted April 19, 2006 Posted April 19, 2006 I hope you haven't replied, Kitten. Remember a few weeks back I was (kinda) in the same boat when my exbf called me? Whatever the reason--he called me. You saw how crazy I got, and I came here to post about it, and you were one of the persons who told me not to respond. Do you remember that? Well, I still have not responded in any way to his voicemail. I have read almost all of your posts, and from them I gather that you are still very hurt, yet are a strong young lady. What I'm trying to say is: If I was able to refrain--me--wimpy ol' me, then you can too, without a doubt. Don't do it. I really don't want to see you be sad anymore.
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