Patricia

[movinon05]

I am compelled to write to you. I know where you are at. I lived it for 7 years. Please see the parallels. As I said in my other post, your situation mirrors mine completely and I'm sure many others.

 

I've been reading these posts for months now, never really posting anything. But you are so right. My MM left me again two weeks ago. He is married some 19 yrs, three kids. He says he hasn't been happy for at least ten years. Same story I got. I know that it was the financial worries that probably sent him back, the last two times he said it was for his kids. Same story I got. This time he left when I was at work, never saying a word. Infact that morning he got up with me, watched me get ready, I even got back into bed with him to cuddle a little, then I left for work. He called me in the morning to tell me how pretty I looked. When I got home in the evening, he was gone. Left me a note saying that he knew it would never work, we were two different people this time. He's trying to find an excuse that works but you should take heed to this for the future. This time I do take some of the blame. I couldn't trust him 100% because of what he has put me through in the past two years. He kept saying that I needed to put it all behind me so we could move forward, I told him that he caused all the hurt I had gone through and he said that he would be patient. Same thing with me. But he had to earn your trust. Don't ever blame yourself. You had every right to think this way. We became friends first at work. It'll be two years next month that he started asking me out to lunch almost every day. We enjoyed being with each other so much. One night at 11:30pm on June 25, 04, he called and asked me if I wanted company. He had left after another fight. She thought he was going to his usual hotel, never imageing that he'd be leaving her for another woman, which he has never done before. Same thing with me. Numerous times. She talked him back beginning of Sept. because the kids weren't doing well and school was starting and they needed him. He went back, asking me to wait. Same thing with me, numerous times. We both cried alot that night. He came back within two weeks. Same thing, numerous times. She did some crazy things with his guns, got arrested in front of their kids, but she was released the next day after spending the night in the mental inst. She was diagnosed okay, but he came back to me after that. Did you get this information from him? If so, take it with a grain of salt. I heard horrifying stories of things happening with them which never occurred. Made me feel like a gullible idiot. He stayed until the following January when she kept the kids from seeing him for the whole month. By the end of January, he went back "because of his kids". How old are the kids? Do they know what has gone on? Did they even want to see him? He stayed for a total of four months. they're anniversary happened during then. But he wasn't gone two weeks before he was saying he still needed me in his life. When he could tell I'd had enough and was moving on with my life, he came back June 05. He went down on his knees begging me to take him back. Promising me everything I wanted to hear. She kept his kids from him AGAIN for the entire seven weeks, and he ended up going back because of them again. This is getting redundant. He was there this time for five months and came back mid January 06 after I didn't talk to him for two weeks. He could always tell when I'd had enough. In January he swore (again) that this was it, he'd thought it over, his kids would be okay, he wanted to be with me and just be happy. He's not giving his kids a chance to be okay. But we had more small arguments this time than we'd ever had before. We never really fought before. I was honest with him and said that I felt very insecure and didn't know what would trigger him to just leave again. And to myself I saw character flaws I didn't see before. Yes, you start realizing a lot after going through all this. Listen to your gut. From August to December, we were seeing each other everyday at work, morning, lunch and afternoon. He admitted he was lying to her and making her think he loved her because he needed to stay long enough to get out from under some debt. He knew they'd owe taxes, and was worried she wouldn't pay her half, etc. They split everything down the middle. Heard the same thing and more. The day he asked me to take him back, he had me help him leave. He rushed to do that before his kids came home from school, she was at work. He did the same thing!! It made me wonder why he couldn't stay to explain to his kids, but he said he'd talk to them later. Ditto. He left me this time exactly the same way. At least you had a note. Me - nothing. He always said he could never leave and tell me straight to my face. Now I know how his kids must have felt when they realized their father was gone again. I just saw alot of things in him I didn't notice before. There was a hard edge to him this time. He still did everything for me to show me that he loved me. But I think he saw that he wasn't going to be able to fool me anymore about some things that I kept questioning. Same thing here - so to cover his ass, he made up more lies. Like he had a nervous breakdown and was going to a therapist and on medication. How about, his son held a gun to his head. How about he was thrown in jail. How about he had his appendix out. How about his daughter suddenly found out she had diabetes. All lies. and that's only a few. I also wondered when he came back if I could trust him not to cheat on me. It really ate at me that I couldn't in my heart trust him the way I wanted to. And he must have sensed that. His wife tells me that he forced his way back this time, she wanted me to take him back. She admitted that he would go back and forth until one of us put a stop to it. She says she will always take him back because his kids want their father. One advantage you have over me, however, the few times I spoke with his W, I got lies from her too. You never know if what they are saying is the truth. Those two are using each other, he takes care of the kids cause she works late hours and weekends, he's the one that cleans the house, feeds the kids, etc. he likes that she makes a good salary and combined they have no money problems. She had him served in March with a court date in April to ask for maintenance. He asked me what that meant, since he'd never been through a divorce before. I explained that she wanted the courts to grant her spousal support and child support. (He refused to get a lawyer, said he couldn't affort one) He didn't know why she was doing that when he was giving her $2,000/mo already. I asked him what if she was able to get more? and he said then he'd insist that they sell their house. He can't insist upon that - and doesn't it make you wonder if he would make his own children leave their house because of this. But I reminded him that in Oct 04, he quit-claimed it to her when she told him to. The look on his face told me that he was stunned. And I wondered if he would get cold feet again. And I was right. He's stuck and he doesn't know what the hell he's doing now. Just like mine. He's gone back after just two months. I can't keep doing this to myself. Keep saying this to yourself and don't allow him to have this control over you. He has not contacted me at all. I called to talk to him the next day but he wouldn't talk to me, instead she and I talked (civily). He was sitting there hearing us both compare notes, finding out that he was lying to both of us. I'm sure he's angry that I revealed practically everything he and I had done each time he went back and that we never stopped seeing each other. I wish I had gotten this chance. Of course he's mad. He will blame you for his being outed between the two of you. I felt that I always knew what he was doing there, how he was lying to her and just buying time. I wanted her to know that it wasn't just about the sex with us. I miss him terribly and I have tried to email him and call him, but he isn't answering me. I can't believe all his words of love to me, all the heart to heart talks we've had about our future was just one big lie. He has always told me that he doesn't love his wife, the times they tried, he said it wasn't happining because it just wasn't there anymore. I'm so mixed up wondering what truth did he ever tell me now. You will never know. All your future plans and his promises have been shot to hell. Its very hard coming to terms with that.

 

I could add more pathetic details, but you get the idea. I always thought it would be us in the end. No matter what anyone said, but he is doing exactly what my MM did. He is floundering and doesn't know what the hell he is doing except putting you and his entire family in turmoil. God, think of what he is putting his kids through!

 

If there is one thing I don't miss about all of this, is the nervousness in the pit of my stomach when any little thing happened. Your adrenaline rushes and you have no control. You try to take control and then its taken from you. And the rollercoaster never ends.

 

But to this day, as much as I have hurt and yearned for what was, I have learned that I really do like living a normal life without that drama sweeping me back into its grasp. And the emotional turmoil. I haven't had that since this has been over. And I really do feel much healthier for it. Find someone who will treat you better. It took me time, but I did. I don't know if it will last, but it sure has taught me that I deserve better and I can find joy in each day. To be treated with respect on all levels is a very empowering feeling and helps you little by little each day to realize your worth.

[zarathustra]

I think that with the way the xMM treated us, its like they took control of our lives. They control us by using a simple four letter word. HOPE. While mine didn't come back or got back with me, he was being friendly, joking with me, acting like how things were before our R began, etc. Made me feel like there was a glimmer of hope. I decided that there wasn't any hope that we would ever be, because the day he tuned out emotionally, he took away the promise to always be there. He's a liar. He is someone who can look me in the eye and lie to me. Tell me that he loved me when he didn't. I decided that its impossible that I love someone like that and eventually was ready to say a proper goodbye. He will never have me again. I will never be available to him again. I don't hate him, I won't ever forgive him, and I certainly don't wish him ill. I do hope that he will one day regret not having me in his life ever again. That would be the sweetest feeling.

[My_Other_I]

I just wish that all the unhappy current OW could see what we, the ex-OW see now. It's so frustrating trying to explain how things are when you know they will do what they want to do. I hope to save at least ONE OW the heartache, that's why I'm still here.

I've been there, I knew and yet I thought my situation was different. How typical! I know there are other scenarios, but too many OW/MM situations are too similiar with the same results.

Good post!

[OzGirl]

...he took away the promise to always be there.

 

That's in it one. The MM have done that to both their W and the OW.

 

Great post, and so inspirational when such clarity is given to a complex situation.

[Sami_D]

I always thought it would be us in the end. No matter what anyone said, but he is doing exactly what my MM did. He is floundering and doesn't know what the hell he is doing except putting you and his entire family in turmoil. God, think of what he is putting his kids through!

 

If there is one thing I don't miss about all of this, is the nervousness in the pit of my stomach when any little thing happened. Your adrenaline rushes and you have no control. You try to take control and then its taken from you. And the rollercoaster never ends.

 

But to this day, as much as I have hurt and yearned for what was, I have learned that I really do like living a normal life without that drama sweeping me back into its grasp. And the emotional turmoil. I haven't had that since this has been over. And I really do feel much healthier for it. Find someone who will treat you better. It took me time, but I did. I don't know if it will last, but it sure has taught me that I deserve better and I can find joy in each day. To be treated with respect on all levels is a very empowering feeling and helps you little by little each day to realize your worth.

 

Very good description of the roller-coaster.

 

I WANT MY LIFE BACK!!!!!!

[zarathustra]

That's in it one. The MM have done that to both their W and the OW.

 

Great post, and so inspirational when such clarity is given to a complex situation.

 

Thank you, OzGirl. Without you and many others (esp. You, LNF and WA), I don't think I would have reached the point I am at this quickly or ever. You all have been an inspiration to me. I am one lucky girl to have found you all!

[Walking away]

And, I am breaking my silence once again to speak....

 

YOU ALL have been an inspiration to ME. You are keeping me strong while I have been quietly reading your posts...

[curly]

How is it that these men follow the very same exact script? Sometimes almost word for word? How do they do it? Across countries, across continents? Is there just one man out there?

 

My xMM did all those things. He left while I was at work 2 days after moving in. He left a note. I went ballistic. He showed back up a couple of weeks later to ask if I hated him. It seems that these MM's can't stand anyone having any feelings of anger about them. They must please everyone. They seem to want both the OW and W to glow when they enter the room. What egos!!

 

Well, this time he went too far. He has come and gone as many times as everyone else's. Maybe less.... I can't believe that Patricia's and Movingon's MM's have flip flopped even more than my x, but could be.

 

This time I see him for what he truly is. Funny, but I think it was him that really made it hit home for me. He told me that he was poison to me, that he was a complete loser and a-hole and did not deserve me. And you know what? He's absolutely right! I wasted 2 years on him. He did leave the W, but who knows how long that will last. He's been separated since Jan. 1, but when I stated last week that I almost certainly believed he was still trying to reconcile with her, he asked me why I would be with him if I really believed that.

 

Again, why should I? Also, my best friend's husband said "With so many men out there, why would you put up with such BS?" It's true. While I doubt the relationship or bond between me and xMM will ever be duplicated (I did truly love with all my heart), it was not a healthy relationship. It could never be. No foundation to grow from. Just all the lies. And it wasn't always him lying, I was in a R with someone else when the A started so I did my share of lying. Everything just got so turned around in my head that I believed that the xMM & I could make wine from piss.

 

Well, he's not Jesus and I'm not a magician. It has to end and it has ended as of last Friday. I'm going through the process to heal. There is no other way. I miss him but that's tempered with "what do I miss?" That sick, upside down feeling my stomach has when I think about what if something (ANYTHING) triggers him again to run? What will happen to me? Its the most sick, desperate, gut-wrenching feeling in the world and I don't want that feeling anymore.

 

Sorry for the vent..... but it just amazes me that they all do the same thing. The lies, the unbelievable stories to justify waiting some more, more lies, more reasons why he can't just yet.... blah, blah, blah.....

 

It won't change. The precendent is set. He knows that the OW is able to talk herself into being content with half a relationship. No more for me. Good luck to the rest of you.

 

I just read about grief and the five stages. The five stages are not grief but the reaction someone has to catastrophic news like - "You're terminal." Grief comes after the acceptance. Its an acronym - TEAR....

 

To acknowledge the loss.

Experience the pain of the loss.

Accept the reality of a new life without the lost object.

Reinvest in a new life without the lost object.

 

I thought it was insightful and could maybe help someone else.

[My_Other_I]

To acknowledge the loss.

Experience the pain of the loss.

Accept the reality of a new life without the lost object.

Reinvest in a new life without the lost object.

 

I thought it was insightful and could maybe help someone else.

Note that you might go through the stages more than once. One step back, two steps forward. It will be a roller-coaster for a while. Educating yourself will ease the pain a little bit when you know what to expect and that what you are going through is over.

[Walking away]

How is it that these men follow the very same exact script? Sometimes almost word for word? How do they do it? Across countries, across continents? Is there just one man out there?

 

My xMM did all those things. He left while I was at work 2 days after moving in. He left a note. I went ballistic. He showed back up a couple of weeks later to ask if I hated him. It seems that these MM's can't stand anyone having any feelings of anger about them. They must please everyone. They seem to want both the OW and W to glow when they enter the room. What egos!!

 

Well, this time he went too far. He has come and gone as many times as everyone else's. Maybe less.... I can't believe that Patricia's and Movingon's MM's have flip flopped even more than my x, but could be.

 

This time I see him for what he truly is. Funny, but I think it was him that really made it hit home for me. He told me that he was poison to me, that he was a complete loser and a-hole and did not deserve me. And you know what? He's absolutely right! I wasted 2 years on him. He did leave the W, but who knows how long that will last. He's been separated since Jan. 1, but when I stated last week that I almost certainly believed he was still trying to reconcile with her, he asked me why I would be with him if I really believed that.

 

Again, why should I? Also, my best friend's husband said "With so many men out there, why would you put up with such BS?" It's true. While I doubt the relationship or bond between me and xMM will ever be duplicated (I did truly love with all my heart), it was not a healthy relationship. It could never be. No foundation to grow from. Just all the lies. And it wasn't always him lying, I was in a R with someone else when the A started so I did my share of lying. Everything just got so turned around in my head that I believed that the xMM & I could make wine from piss.

 

Well, he's not Jesus and I'm not a magician. It has to end and it has ended as of last Friday. I'm going through the process to heal. There is no other way. I miss him but that's tempered with "what do I miss?" That sick, upside down feeling my stomach has when I think about what if something (ANYTHING) triggers him again to run? What will happen to me? Its the most sick, desperate, gut-wrenching feeling in the world and I don't want that feeling anymore.

 

Sorry for the vent..... but it just amazes me that they all do the same thing. The lies, the unbelievable stories to justify waiting some more, more lies, more reasons why he can't just yet.... blah, blah, blah.....

 

It won't change. The precendent is set. He knows that the OW is able to talk herself into being content with half a relationship. No more for me. Good luck to the rest of you.

 

I just read about grief and the five stages. The five stages are not grief but the reaction someone has to catastrophic news like - "You're terminal." Grief comes after the acceptance. Its an acronym - TEAR....

 

To acknowledge the loss.

Experience the pain of the loss.

Accept the reality of a new life without the lost object.

Reinvest in a new life without the lost object.

 

I thought it was insightful and could maybe help someone else.

 

Curly,

 

I am right here with you, sister. Walking away. Done. Finished. Over. That yucky, heartwrenching roller coaster ride is over.

 

I choose to believe that there is hope for a much brighter tomorrow....we just need to seek it and believe in it. And, I believe it. As should you.

 

Hugs

WA

[My_Other_I]

to expect and that what you are going through is over.

sorry, I meant normal, not over

[EnigmaXOXO]

I just wish that all the unhappy current OW could see what we, the ex-OW see now. It's so frustrating trying to explain how things are when you know they will do what they want to do. I hope to save at least ONE OW the heartache, that's why I'm still here.

 

Always try to remember that so many others are also reading these stories. You may not be able to 'rescue' someone already immersed deeply in the denial and delusion of an affair … but there are other curious readers, who haven't experienced the heartache and tragedy of an affair who might be forewarned to avoid these kinds of situations because of what you were kind enough to share.

 

I've never been someone's affair partner myself, and thanks to you ladies I have been frightened enough by the horror stories to never, ever consider it.

 

Sometimes an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. And while you may not be reaching the person you're trying to communicate with directly, you may inadvertently be helping many others who may take something valuable from the hard-learned lessons you all pass along.

 

You probably don't hear it enough … but THANK YOU!

[My_Other_I]

Thanks for sharing that!

[Walking away]

I believe that everything happens for a reason. And, these situations, too, happened for a reason. Perhaps, it is so we can help others who are attempting to recover from broken hearts.

 

If we can help just ONE person, our pain was not in vain.

 

Thanks for sharing. We needed that.