Agent M Posted April 17, 2006 Posted April 17, 2006 Help! I am in a relationship with a 38 year old man who presented himself as one person for 6 months, then totally and completely changed. He pulled a Jeckyll/Hyde act on me. He was great for the first 6 months, except that he was too sticky, way into me, I felt pressured and didn't have enough space. But, since I hadn't had a boyfriend in ages I figured I could get used to him and I like a lot of attention anyway, and I loved the deep, interesting conversations we were having. Well, he finally went away for 3 weeks to visit a friend way out in nowhere land Florida (all they did was hang out at the house and work all day). When he came back, he contradicted himself on almost every point he had made before he left. He told me he's just really selfish and that he was just trying to be the good boyfriend before he went to Fla. and had time to think about things. He told me he loves me and he is totally into me, but he can't help his selfishness and unless he acts as more or less as he pleases he finds that he is very unhappy. Then after acting like he couldn't live without me for the first 6 mos., he later (after many discussions) told me we should be friends because he doesn't feel like he knows me. What?? His issues seemed to center around codependence (for the first 6 mos.), problems with authority and responsibilty (just wants to do what he wants to do), passive aggression, blaming, often contradicts himself, extreme frustration, out of touch with who he is, paranoia, fear, and extreme selfishness. He is unable to commit to anything, as every time he does he "finds himself very unhappy". Sometimes he hides by saying he is "living in the moment", therefore absolving himself of responsibility. He broke down sobbing and crying about his sorry self and it was awful to see. I would also end up feeling really beaten up after he went on these "verbal tyrades" because he was frustrated with himself but would project it on to me. He also says he can't promise me anything, because he knows himself. When I object and say he has a choice about his behavior, there is no reasoning with him. We have discussed all of this at length. He had agreed to seek counseling (his home was verbally and physically abusive), but then he never followed through. He recognizes his issues. My problem is that I thought I was falling for one person, who turned into someone totally different all of a sudden. This was devastating. I have backed way off....we see each other once a week or once every 2 weeks....but again, I keep getting mixed messages. One day he is bubbling with affection for me, tells me he misses me, then the very next day he is cool as a cucumber. He says this is because he is fighting with his subconscious, but he can't really explain how, but that his feelings for me are still deep. (like he wants more than friends?) I'm fairly certain he's not seeing anyone else, and he has an STD so I know there is no sex involved...he's never even had sex with me, from the start. He is afraid of giving it to me, and later said once we have sex it will change the dynamics but he can't explain really how. so....I have looked into every mental disorder (bi-polar? narcissism? immature? confused?) and am really perplexed and bummed, and driving myself crazy trying to figure out what happened. Help!
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted April 17, 2006 Posted April 17, 2006 My guess is he has the all-too-common male disorder: jerkism.
serial muse Posted April 17, 2006 Posted April 17, 2006 Oy. Been there. Soooo frustrating. I've heard many of those same things. I can hazard a guess about the sex thing - my guess is, having sex with you would be a "promise" of sorts, of a serious relationship perhaps, and he doesn't want to give you that promise. That way, he consoles himself that he never led you on. I think you're right - it's not about another person or cheating, it's not about anything you did...but what's more, I really don't think it's about anything that you will want to deal with. I don't know what label to give it (I've seen people call this everything from commitment phobia to narcissism), but it doesn't really matter, on your end. Because one thing is glaringly true - whatever he is telling you about himself, believe it. It will save your sanity. Don't try to be patient and wait for him to come around, don't try to fix him, pity him for his sorry self if you like, but please, save yourself. I was given this advice, and I didn't take it. I wouldn't blame you if you didn't either (how could I?) but I hope to spare you that pain. It doesn't matter what it's called, because it's not something you can, or should, help him with. If he wants help, he should seek it. Until then, you're a casualty of war - his war with himself. When he cries, it may be genuine - but please note that he is crying for himself, and not for the loss of you. That is key.
riobikini Posted April 18, 2006 Posted April 18, 2006 Sounds to me as if he is the type of guy that is "in love with love". More specifically, the novelty of a new relationship. Infatuation. Chances are, if you were to get a peek into his history of past relationships, you would find many, -and all of them coming right on the heels of the last 'true' love. This whole thing, seems to me, to be on the upswing, rather than just behavior that happens every now and then. I think it has alot to do with how views and attitudes regarding relationships have become, in general: spoiled rotten, effortless attempts to create disposable relationships which can be tossed away after having served as a temporary 'fix' to comfort and soothe an ego, or satisfy an unrealistic desire. These relationships are superficial, instant, and rarely ever worth the time spent with them -not to mention they can be extremely hurtful to the unsuspecting- and although they appear 'real' from the outside for a short time, the 'love' emotions suddenly disappear as quickly as they came. If this sounds similar to simple, old-fashioned 'infatuation', -think again- it's almost pandemic if you look around, -plus it's more consciously enacted than unplanned behavior, and vicious, -and devastating in alot of cases. There are lots of folks who *say* they want a committed relationship, -but it's a tremendous challenge to find a single soul who truly wants to invest himself/herself in one. I wish you much better luck next time. -Rio
Curmudgeon Posted April 18, 2006 Posted April 18, 2006 My best guess is that if he is anything, he has borderline personality disorder in which case, it's just about hopeless. Regardless of any possible diagnosis, I couldn't imagine putting up with it. Relationships are hard enough work to make successful without another major factor getting in the way. If they're committed, that's one thing but that also takes two people.
Author Agent M Posted April 18, 2006 Author Posted April 18, 2006 Hi Everyone.... Thanks so much for the replies....they're very relevant, right on target, and really helpful. I'm beginning to feel better.
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