insanelyjelous Posted April 17, 2006 Posted April 17, 2006 Hey everyone, I just wanna get some input on what a normal relationship should be like. I'm currently engaged to my fiance of 2 years. I absolutely love him to pieces but I feel like i'm just kidding myself. He barely takes me anywhere, but he's always going out with his friends from work and I can't go because he doesn't want to mix his worklife with me? and when he goes out with his other friends I can't come because he says he can't enjoy himself with his SO around. It hurts so much because its like he's built up a wall and he doesn't want me to be part of certain bits of his life and he has openly admitted to this on many occassions saying that that is just the way he is. We live together and he's always talking about needing his space yet the only time we spend together is watching TV or playing Xbox with his other friends, is this normal? When I try to talk to him I get nothing but one word answers, its like he doesn't want to or doesn't Know how to truly open up or compromise because its either his way or no way. His best friend is a girl that he works with they talk almost everyday even when their not at work (who i've only met once) Its hard knowing that she shares something with him that we'v never had, and I sometimes wonder if he wasn't with me would he be with her. I have had my own issues to deal with, mainly trust with a lot of jelousy thrown in but I have been working on it with a therapist and i'm learning to deal with it. But I can't help wondering if he truly loves me and if he does why he doenst want to share his life with me. I'm pretty sure that this is not normal but I guess I need reassurance and some advice on what to do. I truly love him with all my heart but am I wastin my time?
NTB Posted April 17, 2006 Posted April 17, 2006 What is a normal relationship??? there is no such thing
whichwayisup Posted April 17, 2006 Posted April 17, 2006 His best friend is a girl that he works with they talk almost everyday even when their not at work (who i've only met once) Its hard knowing that she shares something with him that we'v never had, and I sometimes wonder if he wasn't with me would he be with her. This is a HUGE issue. Atleast for me it would be if I were you. Work is work but the fact he has something going on (emotionally definately) with this woman, that's a threat to you and the marriage IF it is going to happen. To be married, or be in a long term serious relationship, there are just things you compromise on. You give up abit here and there because what you get back from your spouse is worth it all. He sounds like a typical male in the sense that his past and his issues are his and unless he wants to talk about it, he will. Don't ask, don't pressure - Yet if something happens hopefully he'll come to you for support. If not, well, maybe he's either very indepependant (not used to relying on ANYBODY for ANYTHING) and the thought of asking for help isn't an option. Who knows what his childhood was like, or the relationship he had with his parents growing up... I think you need to let him know this friendship he has with that woman isn't appropriate. It's too much! I mean, does he ever invite you out with them? Have you actually met her? She should be spending less time with him and encouraging him to be more with you than her. That is what a real friend would do...I wonder what her motives are... Talk to him because if this isn't worked out, it's only going to get worse. He is giving you reasons NOT to trust him! YOU should be number one. Yet he seems to put you last on the list. That sucks and isn't fair to you.
Curmudgeon Posted April 18, 2006 Posted April 18, 2006 What do you love about him. Is it that he treats you with such disdain and so little regard?
HokeyReligions Posted April 18, 2006 Posted April 18, 2006 Sounds like he is taking you for granted. I had similar issues with my husband when we were dating and much to my dismay, I discovered I was an enabler and my behavior actually encouraged it. I took all responsibility for the relationship and did not demand anything from him. At one point we split up when I stopped enabling him and let him know that I had a life without him and refused his company by choosing someone else over him. It caused some fights but it also opened some doors and we did OK. Could you be enabling him?
tigger Posted April 18, 2006 Posted April 18, 2006 That's not "normal" - but there really isn't a normal. But that's not comfortable...and that is what you should be asking. What am I comfortable with? You obviously aren't comfortable with his behavior, so then ask yourself what you want to do about it. If you want to live the next years of your life wondering if you guys are normal, or if you want to discuss this with him and tell him your not comfortable with how he treats you. Re: his friend who is a girl. This is uncomfortable too, because if they are so close, she should be sharing in your lives together. If/when you talk with him, don't let him brush off these feelings of yours. They are serious - and now is the time to decide if this is who you truly want to marry - because I know I wouldn't marry someone who wouldn't share in every aspect of his life with me, including work friends and friends who are girls (especially friends who are girls!!!!)
Author insanelyjelous Posted April 18, 2006 Author Posted April 18, 2006 Hi all, Thanks for your responses they have been very helpful. I'm not sure if this is truly love or if it is more of an obssession on my part, I've known my fiance for 10 years+ and from the day I met him I wanted him but he at the time said he wasn't ready which was fair enough. Then we got together 3 years ago after years of no strings sex (on his part not mine, I wanted him so badly that I was prepared to accept whatever he was willing to give me so I guess I brought this on myself) I do trust him where this friend is concerned, I have only met her the once but I do truly believe that she is just a friend and that she doesn't have any ulterior motives, she send xmas cards and so forth to both of us and she always asks how I am when she calls. For me trust is not the issue as far as she's concerned it is definitely resentment. I resent the fact that even though I've known him longer then her he still can't communicate with me like he does with her and that they share something as I said before that we don't have. I really want this reletionship to work out but I guess with all the therapy and self discovery my eyes are starting to open a little bit and i'm seeing all the things that he has done/doing that are now becoming unacceptable to me and I can't help feeling partly to blame because if I had not been so eager to accept anything it might not have been this way now. I really want to sit down and have a deep and meaningful conversation with him but I just don't know how to get him to open up to me. Is there even any point in me trying to continue this when he can't/won't even make the effort? Thanks guys
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