Ssheena Posted April 17, 2006 Posted April 17, 2006 I went back just now and reread the posts I made here about my BF and I asked my friends and when I get home I'm going to read what I wrote about him in my journal but I'm soo sad (as in sitting at work crying sad) I really love Kev and have for years, it's just after 9 months of LDR and getting to really know him, he and I are at two intirely different places in our lives and experiences. I'm very comfortable in my sexuality and experienced and he is very uptight and inexperienced and modest. I know how to take care of myself (heck I have two teenagers, 2 dogs and 5 cats and a house - I'm responsible) - he lives in a house with 3 roommates (previous postings) that are all at least 10 years younger than him. He's 35, I'm 47 (almost 48). I have been working in "real" jobs for a long time, I have a 401k etc, he is still working as a contractor with no benefits. I read magazines and keep up with what is going on in the world and he doesn't. I have been out to LA to visit him at least 7 times and this time he finally came out to visit me. Unfortunately, before he even came out I didn't even want him to. Here is an example of an incident: He didn't pay the gas bill so they shut it off at his house - meaning no hot water for 3 days for him and his roomies. Gas company said they sent letters and called, he says he didn't get them. Last time I was out there before I got there, he said he was going to get us a hotel room but then Saturday rolls around and he hasn't and there aren't any available. When I first went out and visited him and went to his place he had no mattress pad on his mattress. The next time I was out I bought one. I feel like I end up being his mom more than a lover and when I catch myself being like that I get mad at myself. Anyway, anyway, I picked him up on Thursday, we had a good night. Friday night we went out and each had 3 martinis (I'm used to the altitude, he's not) and he (according to him) blacked out. I didn't notice any loss of conscienceness but this was the second time this has happened and that's just not going to happen. So naturally I was dissappointed which I told him. Then the next night we were at my house and watching a dvd that I had already seen and as I am a morning person anyway and was tired from the night before I told him I had to go to sleep and then went to sleep. The next morning he was still completely cothed in my bed. Jeans, belt, shirt tucked in. I told him that was just too weird for me and I told him we were at different places. We didn't really talk to each other or say anything until this morning when I was driving him to the airport and he asked me if I didn't want to go out with him anymore and I said I was thinking about it. I told him as he thinks a 22 year old is naive I think he is naive. I don't know what/how to leave this or what else to say to him. I think he really, really needs therapy and to talk some stuff out with a therapist and/or some anti-depressants. He's up and down and sometimes thinks he is the best thing in the business and sometimes he is "ashamed" of how he lives. Sometimes the things he says give me the impression is is delusional. I get tired of always bolstering his confidence, suggesting things to him etc. He has made some huge advances since I've been going out with him but I think he really needs to grow up a bit. I think he would be better off with some young naive little girl who would think everything he did was great. He is such a wonderful, considerate, caring guy. I feel like a s*** cause I know he is hurt. I feel like a s*** cause I never said anything to him about what was bothering me. I don't even know how to explain to him why I'm feeling the way I am. Feedback? Suggestions? Help!!!! thanks,
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