Is it cheating if he has a profile on a sex website

[worriedsick]

Okay. I have been married for almost eight years and my husband and I have a 2-1/2 year old child together. During the early years of our marriage, my husband was unfaithful and we were separated, waiting on the funds to get divorced (we were both in college and pretty broke). Meanwhile, my husband realized what a mistake he had made and came crawling back to me,begging forgiveness. I resisted for a long time and told him it was over, too bad so sad. But, I eventually realized I did still love him despite all of the crap he had done, so I decided to take him back. Before anyone jumps on my back about how stupid I am, I have to say I don't regret it - had we not reconciled, we would never have our son, who is the best part of my life. Anyway, I recently discovered my husband has a profile on two different Internet "dating" sites (they basically are to find people to have sex with in the area where you live). One even has his photo, which is mortifying to me. Both profiles say he is married but looking for some side action, and that the woman he is looking for would have to be capable of having a no-strings-attached relationship. He did this sort of thing in the past (before he started cheating on me) and when confronted about it, he said it was just harmless and he was just curious. However, after everything we have been through, I don't even know what to do now that he has started this up again. Do I leave him, get divorced and basically have to start my life all over? Or, do I stay with him and pray to God that it is harmless looking? I don't even know whether to confront him with it or not because if I don't, there will be an invisible wedge in our marriage because I'll always have this knowledge in the back of my mind, but if I do, we may get divorced anyway because he'll be angry I was snooping and "don't trust him". Any advice would be much appreciated, as I don't have a clue what to do!!

[Art_Critic]

If you are married ... Yes it is cheating.. Well a form of anyhow.. same difference if he was still going to bars to pick up women.

 

The act alone isn't becoming of a married person.

 

Being seperated doesn't mean you can go out and f*** anything

[catgirl1927]

If he's already cheated he is in no position to demand trust from you. What scum. He's worthless, get out quick.

[swissair]

This is terrible and unbelievably disrespectful to you. There is no such thing as "harmlessly" putting up a sex profile. The fact you have to check if he is cheating is no way to live your life. He needs to go.

[Curmudgeon]

I think you do know what you should do. He's a cheater. Regardless of any other considerations, he's putting you and your health at risk.

 

You have a son. Children learn what they live. Is this the example of a husband and father you want your son to grow up with? I would hope not.

[salice182820]

hey honey i would talk to him because that is cheating in my book and quite frankly if he can think about it and write about it he can probably do it.

[worriedsick]

Okay. After thinking about it all day, I ended up packing all of my stuff and my son's stuff and going to stay with my parents. He called me when he got home from work and asked "What's wrong". I asked him if he had checked the table, where I had left the printed out copies of both of his profiles on the websites. He tried to play it off like it was no big deal. His response was, "What, this is why you're mad? They were just a joke". I asked him what kind of joke that was, and he said he was just curious who was on there. He said it was just a little "hobby" of his, and he'd never acted on any of it. We got into this whole discussion about the trust issues he has created in our marriage, and he said that by taking him back after he cheated before, that I should no longer be able to hold that against him and that the statute of limitations was up on that argument!!!! He told me he would take the profiles off if that was what I wanted (which I do) but I just don't see if helping our marriage. This has opened up the whole nasty window of mistrust again that I thought I had gotten control over, and I feel myself starting to be back in the place where I was when he first cheated on me but I didn't know it for sure at the time. I have no clue what to do - I can go back to home and see how things go, but I really don't see things improving. Maybe it's my attitude and I'm not willing to work at it anymore (as he so informed me last night), but maybe I'm not required to work at it anymore. Maybe it's a sign that I'm done with his crap and have met my limits. I don't know - at this point, I'm camping out with the 'rents until I come to some epiphany or something!! Any insight from others is much appreciated, as I'm all "thought out"!!!

[catgirl1927]

OK, the gall on this guy is unbelievable. He cannot be trusted. I think your relationship with him is a waste of your time and energy.

[worriedsick]

Yeah, most of me thinks our relationship is doomed like the Titanic, but part of me also wants to believe it can work. The stupd, emotionally driven part of me keeps reminding of the good man he used to be, the man that I married. It's kinda like Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde - I know there is a good man in there somewhere, but it seems like the bad guy keeps interfering more and more, making it more difficult to see the man I fell in love with. I guess I'm afraid of making the final decision - what if I do divorce him, and realize I was just being irrational and overreacting and he hadn't been sleeping with other people. Then, I just totally screwed up mine and my son's life because I was pissed.

[catgirl1927]

Getting divorced is a really scary decision. I went to therapy, and my therapist said I knew what needed to be done, I just needed someone to tell me I was right.

 

If he has cheated before, and he's telling you that he's basically got a clean slate for cheating because you forgave him, you can bet money that he will try to play that card over and over again. He has those profiles so that he can have sex with other people. He is going to bring home a disease and give your son the impression that women are just things that have no value and deserve no respect. You know what you need to do, all you need now is the courage to see it through.

[a4a]

So how I read his answer to you is:

 

Fine you caught me doing nothing wrong, but if you are such a dope that it makes you feel better I will stop posting to the sex site.

 

He turned it around on you...... again you fell for it.

 

May I venture to guess that when he had his last affair (got caught) that he found some way to blame it on you a bit as well?

 

Funny how the perps think that they are only damaging the relationship, they fail to realize that they are damaging you and other relationships you have with people. Once your trust has been broken by one person that can carry over into other relationships including friendships ect. < just a point that is over looked > It's not just about a marriage it is about how this will effect the rest of your life and your childs life.

 

You have the right to be angry and hurt by his little joke.

 

He is a dumbass.

[serial muse]

Hi worried. I'm sorry for your pain and confusion. But I agree with the other posters - it's not just that he's got a history of cheating, it's also that he's not interested in restoring trust with you. Instead, he blames you for being suspicious when he acts up.

 

These are not loving actions.

 

And I'm sure that even if you went back you wouldn't ever be able to really trust him - and rightly so; you are not overreacting, IMHO. That's no way to live, and no way for your son to live either.

 

And you know, it's just unbelievable that a man who has two ads up on NSA sex websites would have the balls to complain to his wife that she's not working at their marriage anymore. Give me a massive break.

 

You do sound like you know what to do. It's great that you had the strength to move out.

[SoleMate]

Do I leave him, get divorced and basically have to start my life all over?

Yes, and I suspect it will actually feel really good, becuase the lies and cheating will be done with and you have the chance of establishing a loving relationship based on earned, deserved trust.

 

The only way you can stay with him is if you decide to turn a blind eye to his obvious cheating. I'm sorry.

[SuperMonk]

It's time for revenge, post a profile on that same website saying you're married and you're also looking for side action. Trust me, men are more desperate than women when it comes to hooking up. Within 24 hours, you will have 2-5 hungry men ready for action. Do it, I'm a Sith Lord I know what I'm talking about.

[Art_Critic]

It's time for revenge, post a profile on that same website saying you're married and you're also looking for side action. Trust me, men are more desperate than women when it comes to hooking up. Within 24 hours, you will have 2-5 hungry men ready for action. Do it, I'm a Sith Lord I know what I'm talking about.

 

That is just plain stupid and will back fire on you.. the moment you do that you lose all power in the event of a divorce....

[RecordProducer]

he is married but looking for some side action, and that the woman he is looking for would have to be capable of having a no-strings-attached relationship.

This is the truth.

 

Do I leave him, get divorced and basically have to start my life all over?

Yes. Or:

- accept his infidelity or

2. try to stop him from cheating in the future (you can't be sure he never cheated on you just because you never caught him so far).

 

 

Or, do I stay with him and pray to God that it is harmless looking?

Harmless? he put HIS pic there, not Brad Pitt's. He announced his intentions to the whole world, how harmless is that?

 

we may get divorced anyway because he'll be angry I was snooping and "don't trust him". Any advice would be much appreciated, as I don't have a clue what to do!!

You're joking, right? Those are public web sites and you have a right to open the links. You caught his attempts to cheat (how do you know he hasn't met anyone yet?) and you have a right to know this information as it concerns you, your health, your marriage, and your future.

[Guest]

Take it from me, twice involved with the "online" or "chat room" cheater. I believed the bs that they were only doing it for fun, or bored at the time, but would never meet anyone! Whatever. He is lying, unless no one responds to his ad. Please don't waste your time with this man. He will eventually meet someone and will cheat in person on you. As a book I once read said "Don't waste the pretty". Don't spend anymore time caught up in his lies and deceit, waiting & wondering each day when and if it will happen. Because it will, only a matter of time. No matter what he tells you, you must move on. You deserve someone who would never do something like that to you. Someone who is faithful and deserves you. Posting ads is only the beginning. It can only lead to your heartache. You can never trust him, you will always be wondering, spying, trying to find out if he has cheated on you, and to me, that's not a life.

[ronnieromance]

I was dating a girl and had a webdate profile up. It was up before we started dating, but I just kept it active. I didn't consider myself a "cheat". I mean, I was never unfaithful.