Vertex Posted April 17, 2006 Posted April 17, 2006 I recently had a breakup and so I had decided to not have any further contact in order for us to move on. I was sad but I told myself that it's not worth beating myself up over someone that doesn't care about you anymore. So I felt a little better and figured it was still not worth losing my best friend. I contacted her and said "I know I said I would not speak anymore, but I'd still like to talk if that's fine with you" and she replied "Isn't that going to make it hard for you to move on from me?" Now, upon hearing this I am thinking, she is not saying "making it harder for us to move on" but rather "for you to move on." As in, she doesn't feel a thing over all this. The way she said it to me made her very... I guess condescending, although that isn't the right word. Although breaking no-contact is generally a bad rule I feel as if it's further verifying that she simply doesn't care, and so it's making it easier for me to push her out of my life. She said, upon breakup, that she wants to stay friends but knows it's selfish of her to desire that. I figured that she would appreciate that, even though I was technically dumped and had gone through a lot, I'd still be willing to proceed in a friendly manner and not totally lose everything we had. But now she acts as if she doesn't want anything. So, here's to moving on.
CaliGuy Posted April 17, 2006 Posted April 17, 2006 Women usually have moved on for a while before they actually break off a relationship. She probably wasn't even thinking when she said that. But yes, another reason not to break NC. Also, normally you don't announce you are going NC. You just quietly slip away in the night.
dgiirl Posted April 17, 2006 Posted April 17, 2006 everything that was said in the heat of the break up is almost meaningless, especially when they say "I still want to be friends". Actions speak louder than words, and if she really DID want to be friends, she would/will initiate contact with you, it's the LEAST they can do after ripping our hearts out.
CaliGuy Posted April 17, 2006 Posted April 17, 2006 I think that's true for both genders. The dumper has usually moved on long before the actual termination of the relationship. Maybe so, but usually women take a much, much longer time to break things off. Men on the other hand are a bit more "irrational" and just make decisions without thinking them all the way through. That's why you'll see men coming back begging for a second chance whereas women, when they walk away, it's usually for good.
Author Vertex Posted April 17, 2006 Author Posted April 17, 2006 Well I guess I learned something new then. I should have just slipped away. I've done so in the past and they usually came back to me, but by that time I had moved on. I don't think such is the case here. Regardless, there's always someone out there even if we haven't found them yet, right?
aleatoryd Posted April 17, 2006 Posted April 17, 2006 I fully agree with what has been said - the person dumping the other is unlikely to have made a sudden decision. Feelings of unhappiness, disatisfaction and/or in some cases I know of a complete loss of all feelings for a relationship/partner tend to be the end of a longer process that definitely goes on (but some are less aware they are making the decision hence it often "coming out of the blue"). I've know several girls who dumped their b/f and to them it was "done" - no second chances they had made a decision and already moved on. Sure some people want to back track and try to go back to what they had but to the vast majority they made a rationalised choice (rightly or wrongly they chose) and the logic still stands. What was right then remains so now. In these cases feelings have fled entirely from the decision - hence the person finishing the relationship appearing cold. If a person believes a fact e.g. this relationship is going nowhere... I don't love them anymore - it is very difficult to dissuade anyone of something they view as fact. It's all psychology! So attempts to "reason" with them are doomed to failure uless you can redefine the factors used in the decision making process. Usually it's too little too late. Sorry.
aleatoryd Posted April 17, 2006 Posted April 17, 2006 Regardless, there's always someone out there even if we haven't found them yet, right? Of course there is Vertex - especially if you maintain that positive attitude. It took me a long time to learn to move on with my emotions but one thing I learnt is that: how negative/positive we are about things will have an affect on our future encounters with that "someone". Such that anticipation of bad experience will lead to increased likelihood of it going that way. Stay positive!
amerikajin Posted April 18, 2006 Posted April 18, 2006 Vertex, I can already tell that breaking NC for you was a bad move - you're already overanalyzing her response to your request, and it was that kind of questioning and doubting of her motives that led to the breakup to begin with. I think you need to move on and you need to take a step back and figure out a new approach to dating. I think you're just thinking too much here, and I should know because I do it myself.
Author Vertex Posted April 18, 2006 Author Posted April 18, 2006 Thing is I don't feel as if I am overanalyzing. When I talked to her, she asked about the moving on part, and then quickly just cut to "Well I was gonna go to bed, anyhow" and then left and stopped talking to me. I felt like it was a very cold conversation that clearly showed she didn't want any part of talking any further.
PlentyLV007 Posted April 18, 2006 Posted April 18, 2006 The dumper has usually moved on long before the actual termination of the relationship. This is not true for all dumpers. I know from experience. I dumped my ex and I was hurt for about a year! I never contacted him and he always called but, claimed he dialed a wrong number. HE TORE my heart out when he said that!!! He literally said "i'm sorry I have the wrong number" and hung up on me!! I was torn!!!
amerikajin Posted April 18, 2006 Posted April 18, 2006 Thing is I don't feel as if I am overanalyzing. When I talked to her, she asked about the moving on part, and then quickly just cut to "Well I was gonna go to bed, anyhow" and then left and stopped talking to me. I felt like it was a very cold conversation that clearly showed she didn't want any part of talking any further. Trust me, you are overanalyzing. You're assuming the worst in every situation. You're assuming that she's doing something wrong when maybe she just doesn't express things the same way or do things the way you might wish. If she's not meeting your expectations you can talk to her about it (and you have done so it appears), but you also have to have faith in her answers. I read the thread on your internet chat, and I also thought you overreacted there. And once again, you're overanalyzing this and thinking that her response really means something other than what she's telling you. Just let it go.
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