He's just not that into you....comments?

[AriaIncognito]

So I, along with many of you i'm sure, have read the book "he's just not that into you". What do you all think about it? Is it true for every case? Is it really that cut and dry that "if he's not having sex with you, he's just not that into you" or "if he's not x or y he's not that into you" etc? Do you all feel this book was pretty on, or did you find some deviance from your own life experiences?

 

The reason I ask is because I could very well be in a "he's just not that into you" situation, but I'm not entirely sure. I'm not sure what to make of it. I've posted about him before. I guess I'll go into it here, as briefly as I can...

 

We've been dating for about 2.5 months. Spent a lot of phone time in the beginning and saw eachother about once a week. We have since moved to seeing eachother like 2-3 times a week, and not really talkin on the phone. He's Jewish, I'm not. From the get go, we got along great. Still do. He told me he was hesitant to start anything with me, since he was hoping to marry Jewish.

 

About a few weeks into it, he got weird. Wanted some space or something. Didn't want a commitment. Fine, it's only been a few weeks, I wasn't asking for a commitment. I 'backed off' and didnt initiate calls or emails much, if at all. A few more weeks go by, and he once again is getting a little weird, so I give him space for a night and then he's fine again. He's told me a few times in this period that he doesn't know what he wants. That he feels like he should "feel more than he does" or "something must be wrong if i'm not able to let go and fall for you" or things like that. At first, I thought it was just the apprehension over our religious differences, because his parents apparently find importance in him marrying within the faith. He is seemingly on the fence regarding it's being a necessity. So, since i thought that, I let him continue to do his thinking, and we kept dating. We had discussed the idea of getting more physical (sex) but he said that he didn't want to do that

until he was more sure of what he felt for me. I suppose that's nice of him to want to make sure he doesn't hurt me further. We'd fooled around lately and seem to be getting close to the point where we are gonna do it. He started to bring condoms with him, "Just in case" he said. So it seemed like he was ready...

 

Fast forward to this weekend and he and I decided to go away for the night. We got the room, he paid for it, etc. A few joking comments were made by him to me, which kinda implied that we'd be having sex that weekend. We had a great time, until that night when we started to mess around and I asked him if he wanted to "do it". He didn't give a straight answer, just kinda got weird, so I asked what was the matter. He said he was nervous. I asked why, and he said it's a significant thing. He said he wasn't sure if he was ready to do that, didn't know what it would mean if we did. (would it mean we were together, committed, that kinda thing). So basically i ended up feeling really put off, because I assumed his earlier comments meant I had clearance, so to speak. We talked a bit, he said he didn't know what he wanted. Said the same things about not sure why he can't let go. What's holding him back. Maybe there's something wrong with us. Maybe he's trying to make something work, that can't. I of course get more saddened, because not only is this weekend taking a turn that i didn't foresee, but it also feels like I'm gonna lose him, yet again. (meaning, even though i've never lost him yet before, i've felt close to losing him 3 times now). I was expecting the night to be a wonderful night, instead, i got my heart ripped out of my chest.

 

I didn't sleep at all that night. Eventually he did. I just couldn't. My mind and heart were racing. I wanted to be wrapped in his arms. But I wasn't. I wanted it all to be OK, but it wasn't. I let him sleep. The next morning when he woke up, i talked to him. I told him how i wished we didn't spend the night "apart" and he said "i thought you didn't want me near you that's why i stayed away" (he said i went to the bathroom and came back and didn't go near him so he took it as a sign). I thought he was staying away from me, as he was on the opposite end all night, but he said he wanted to be with me but did it for me. We laid together in eachothers arms for a while and then had to go about our day. I still felt weird about the night before, but he was acting basically normal. He was kissing/hugging/touching me as normal. He said he was sorry that he was putting me through all this. He doesn't want to hurt me. He doesn't want me to not be in his life. But then he's not sure what capacity he wants to have me in his life. The last time we talked about us "splitting" he got emotional about my leaving his life. There's something to his feelings, I just dont know what.

 

So, am I just a moron? Is the writing on the wall and I'm just trying to ignore it? He is the one initiating contact with me. He's calling, emailing, planning dates. When we are together, he's very affectionate. Hand holding, massaging me, kissing, hugging, etc. He's been there for me recently with a family crisis (still in progress - relative is dying) and has been very supportive. He often talks about things "we should do" but then I'd think if there were no future, why speak of those things? He tells me he doesn't want to commit, but all his actions point to him being committed to me. He's not seeing anyone else. He told me he would tell me, should he become interested in someone else.

 

I hate to say it, but I've fallen for this man. I don't want to lose him. He's a great person, has everything going for him that I look for in a man. He and I have so much in common between us that it's scary, but there are some differences to keep the relationship interesting.

 

What do you all think? What would you do? Is the book right, should I just drop him, even though every ounce of my being wants to fight for his love? Should I drop him and wonder "what if" for the rest of my life? Am i just deluded because I want him to love me? I dont know.

 

I just wish I could get in his head, to know what he's really feeling, what he's showing me by his actions, or what he's saying to me with his words.

 

Sorry this post was so long. Hopefully some of you made it to the end :-)

 

Jennifer

This past weekend

[AriaIncognito]

If you want to read up on a post i made about my newish relationship a few weeks back, feel free...

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t83928/

[jerbear]

I've done this in prior relationships. It is more of a companionship, friendship, lover all in one. I was somewhat into one of my ex's but held back because I was afraid to get hurt and let her in slowly.

 

He may take awhile to stoke the silent fire of love. His love takes time. If the time is to long for you, then consider drop him and move on.

 

The relative issue can close people up.

[AriaIncognito]

Just posting to bump this up in hopes for some replies :-)

 

I'm really desperate to know what you all think.

 

Thanks!

Jennifer

[catgirl1927]

OK, first of all, stop reading those books. IME, those books usually lead you down a path of game playing and fakeouts that are silly and discouraging.

 

I have to wonder how old you two are. I would be pretty hurt by being led on like this. He's making you feel like you're not good enough for him, isn't he? Well, that's insane, make him stop.

 

If I were you, I would tell him this emotional rollercoaster is juvenile and very difficult for you. I would tell him I want to break contact until he decides what he wants, and he's either in (both literally and figuratively, ) or he's out. Grownups don't fiddle around like this.

[climbergirl]

OK, first of all, stop reading those books. IME, those books usually lead you down a path of game playing and fakeouts that are silly and discouraging.

 

I have to wonder how old you two are. I would be pretty hurt by being led on like this. He's making you feel like you're not good enough for him, isn't he? Well, that's insane, make him stop.

 

If I were you, I would tell him this emotional rollercoaster is juvenile and very difficult for you. I would tell him I want to break contact until he decides what he wants, and he's either in (both literally and figuratively, ) or he's out. Grownups don't fiddle around like this.

 

Right on. Take the advice given in this book with a grain of salt. I read it, but only enjoyed it for the occasional humor peppered throughout. There is no way it should be taken literally. It reminds me of that other book that a few women wrote years back that garnered a lot of controversy. What the hell was the name of it?? I forget, but these women had "sage" advice on how to get/keep men and turns out their romantic lives were f'ed up.

[AriaIncognito]

We are both 31 (32 next month for both of us, bdays are 1 day apart), believe it or not. He's been in a LTR and so have I. I'm not sure if his commitment problem stems from that ending 1 year ago and him not being in anything "serious" since then, or not (he was with her for 4 years). I know I should prob tell him to s*** or get off the pot, but I find myself not wanting to do that (cuz then I'm hurting so to speak - cuz i'm breaking it off with someone I really enjoy spending time with and whatnot).

 

I do find it interesting that many of you are saying that the books are to be taken with a grain of salt. While I can see where in many situations, it can be accurate, I can't imagine you can blanketly apply these things to every scenario.

 

Anyway, keep the replies comin'! I really appreciate it!!

 

Jennifer

[AriaIncognito]

Climbergirl - I believe you're referring to "The Rules" haha. Yeah, that was the book that told you that you should wait X number of days to call...to not accept a date for the weekend after like wednesday, things like that.

 

Jennifer

[aleatoryd]

I think the answer is staring you in the face. But I'm biased - If he is very committed to his religious beliefs as a Jew (either personally or due to family/peer pressure) then he probably believes that he will only sleep with someone if he is VERY serious about the relationship – about as serious as you can get… marriage or at the very least a relationship heading towards the modern equivalent would have to be the end goal

 

Why you ask? As I am a Christian I don’t believe in sex before marriage (though I’ve heard it exists LOL!). No really – I believe everyone has the free will to choose how they feel about this one. I personally want to marry a likeminded Christian woman. I am pro marriage but would never proselytize (To convert a person from one belief, doctrine, cause, or faith to another.) I would be far happier seeing lots of happy unmarried couples than people trapped in loveless/abusive marriage. My sister got married and it was a nightmare and she quickly divorced.

 

So your boyfriend probably also isn’t the type of guy who would proselytize to you. I would always make people aware of how I felt/what I believed but I respect others. I think he respects you but is having difficulty with his personal desires and those imposed by his religious/social group. You said it himself a part of him believes he should be “marrying Jewish”. He isn’t however he is with you.

 

It sounds like he is a very nice guy who likes you a lot. He is going through a faith-lifestyle conflict. My advice to you is to be understanding, explain that you don’t want to be a temptress – yeah religious sounding – and make him do something he isn’t ready for. If you are serious stick by him and show him you understand how significant it is that to him as a Jew (and to some Christians like me) sex is a very intimate act reserved only for a life partner. Please don’t mock it is just how some people feel.

 

I think if you can get through this situation well without making him feel he has betrayed his beliefs – i.e. he needs to realise for himself (with hints from you) just how serious you are and that it is important to you. Sometimes it’s hard to see these “barriers” in what sounds to me to be an otherwise very healthy relationship. If he’s with you against all his upbringing and other pressures then he loves you – he wouldn’t waste your time. I wish you a long and passionate relationship together.

[jen_jen_heartbroken]

I read the book. And too my own detriment, I ignored a lot of it. I should have listened to Greg, because the bottom line of what he is saying is that if a man wants a woman, nothing will stop him from treating her like gold....no excuses...no waffling. Period.

[catgirl1927]

I think those books are SO bad for self esteem. I think they all try to convince women that they have to pretend to be something they aren't because what they are isn't good enough. I also do not believe in game playing. All my life my parents kept trying to teach me how to "trap" a man. Hey, if you feel trapped, don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out. No one has to be with me. I've had my heart ripped out and pissed on more times than you can imagine, but every time I TRY so hard to start new. Learn from my mistakes, but I still throw myself in 100%. Believe it or not, you will not die from a broken heart. It sure feels that way, though.

[Citizen Erased]

That book was great! For a laugh that is. Good 'ol Greg 'Dear Control Freak' haha. I didn't think anyone would take that book seriously though!

[AriaIncognito]

Yeah I can't say why but for some reason I feel like he could have a valid point. I realize some of it is meant for entertainment, I just wonder if any could be true. Especially in my case.

 

Maybe my "bf" or whatever he is, is actually afraid due to the religion thing. I realize that doesn't just get solved overnight and could be quite a battle for him. I just, I dont know, it's terribly difficult to be caught in the middle of it, esp when I care about him and want him to be happy too.

 

I've had no contact with him for a day. Not sure if he's doing it on purpose, or what, but I'm not about to pester him. I figure I'll give him space, even though that is really the last thing I want right now.

 

Jennifer

[aleatoryd]

Ah but I think he needs to know directly or hinted that you understand this may be his position and that is why you are giving him space - you aren't pressurising him and then hopefully he'll make the choice to be with you. Just hgiving him space for no reason is ambiguous and he might think negatively so don't let him! Take care.

[AriaIncognito]

Well it's not really of my choice...in the past, he's wanted space, and I've let him initiate contact. The same is the case now. I dont think we've ever gone more than a day without contact, so we'll see if he emails/calls today.

 

Sigh. Depression is fun. On the up side, i went to bed early last night. On the down side, I still feel like i'm empty on the inside. Not just because of him, but because of my grandfather who's dying, and coworker (best friend) who's leaving our company on friday. When it rains, it pours. I just wish something could comfort me right now.

 

Jennifer

[AriaIncognito]

Well now it's been almost 2 days since contact. I'm getting weaker. I dont know if he's doin' it on purpose, or not. I know I shouldn't contact him, regardless of this being expressed to me or not as some sort of break, but I sooooo want to. Help!

 

Jennifer

[SuperMonk]

That book is solid, the women that are saying that the book "He's just not into you" is a farce, are women who are either lying to you or they are in self denial. I say it because I am a dude. And it's the truth, if I'm with a girl I'm not wholesomely 80-90% compatible with, I will make one or two phone calls a week to keep her in line while I'm just using her as practice. You know like when the military has war games they're just practicing for the real deal so when it comes, they know what to do. I don't feel bad, I need as much relationship experience. I firmly believe that every guy must have at least 2 long term relationships with the following before marriage.

 

THE RULES, which was written by an angry single 37 year old woman is all wrong. I know when I'm going to date a "The Rules" women right off the bat, I already know she's too much trouble. Which is why I go for young 20-23 year old girls who haven't been brainwashed yet. I've dated enough late 20s women to tell me that that most of them have like a list of 20-50 requirements that must past. What the hell, since when does dating become sophisticated.. OH right, they're getting old.

[AriaIncognito]

I suppose if this guy had only been contacting me 1-2 times a week, I'd be concerned, however, we were in contact daily, and were seeing eachother about 2-3 times a week...we'd spend endless hours together and/or on the phone or online. I honestly don't think it's a lack of interest on his part, merely a lack of knowing if he could be with someone that's not of his faith...

 

Still, doesn't make this any easier, knowing all that.

 

Jennifer

[2020vision]

That book is solid, the women that are saying that the book "He's just not into you" is a farce, are women who are either lying to you or they are in self denial. I say it because I am a dude. And it's the truth, if I'm with a girl I'm not wholesomely 80-90% compatible with, I will make one or two phone calls a week to keep her in line while I'm just using her as practice. You know like when the military has war games they're just practicing for the real deal so when it comes, they know what to do. I don't feel bad, I need as much relationship experience. I firmly believe that every guy must have at least 2 long term relationships with the following before marriage.

 

Bravo- that book is so popular for a reason. It is right on, and most importantly, from a man's point of view. I was in a sh*tty pathetic LTR, and started reading that book when I was about to break up with him. At first I read it for a few good laughs. Then, it made sense. I found it to be a confidence boost, rather than lower my self esteem. It made me strive to be treated nothing less than I deserve. I also believe that I do not have unreasonable standards, I just know that if a relationship is meant to be and the guy is "in to" me, there will not be any major "what ifs" and "whys".

 

Well now it's been almost 2 days since contact. I'm getting weaker. I dont know if he's doin' it on purpose, or not. I know I shouldn't contact him, regardless of this being expressed to me or not as some sort of break, but I sooooo want to. Help!

 

Who know if he is doing it on purpose, but he is being an ass if he is not considering your feelings by not contacting you... why would you want to deal with that?? If his faith is really whats holding him hostage for not having sex with you.... is this something you can really deal with? I have not read every post in this thread in depth, however, has HE ever voiced his opinion to you about his faith getting in the way?? Obvsiouly sex is an important thing to you, and if he can't provide something thats important for you..then I say start focusing on moving on. Who knows...maybe after you finally have sex with him, he will just pull another dissapearing act like he is doing right now...this guy is obnoxious.

 

suppose if this guy had only been contacting me 1-2 times a week, I'd be concerned, however, we were in contact daily, and were seeing eachother about 2-3 times a week...we'd spend endless hours together and/or on the phone or online. I honestly don't think it's a lack of interest on his part, merely a lack of knowing if he could be with someone that's not of his faith...

 

Notice your sentence is in past tense...where is he now? Look how he is making you feel. I say run before more serious heart ache is caused...

[jen_jen_heartbroken]

Jennifer,

 

He's hurting you. And I'm sure he knows exactly what he's doing. He's playing with you. Perhaps he'll call in a week or so and then try to appeal to the fact that he knows you miss him -- and if you cave, you'll be playing right into his hands, and the cycle will play out over and over again.

 

I can't tell you how many times this has happened to me. Guys come on super strong in the first few months....sending flowers, give gifts and cards, romantic dinners, calling every day, planning dates around your schedule. They hook you....make you believe that their affection will last. You trust them, let down your guard. And then, WHAP. It all stops. Now you're in love, and the power has shifted, and they are very aware that it has. You're no longer a challenge, and they feel compelled to find someone else that is. But at the same time, they need to keep you around for steady sex and companionship until they find something "better". That, my friend, is a player. Please don't let yourself be played by this guy. You deserve someone who doesn't see dating as a sport.

[AriaIncognito]

Not to condescend this man, but i dont think he has it in him to be a player. He doesn't have that much game LOL. Does he have issues/is he unsure about us, yes. Should that make me walk away, yes. Will it, I dont know. Maybe. I know what I should do, however, should doesn't always win out when your heart is involved. I know that I should just walk away. If it's meant to be, it will be, regardless of what is done. It's just, sometimes, it hurts to walk away from someone you care about, regardless of the situation. I know, I'm not helping the matter. I need to learn to walk away to minimize damage. For some reason, I've never been good at doing that. I can count on one hand the number of times I actually walked away from a man, out of about 15 relationships (of varying lengths).

 

Yeah, I guess I'm a glutton.

 

Jennifer

[johan]

My perspective: he's not that into you.

 

All your questions revolve around why he's doing what he's doing. I think that means he has a lot that he could be telling you that he isn't. He could explain it to you, if he knew what his problem was. He might not know. Or he might be afraid to tell you. He might not know how to say it. Or he may be choosing not to tell you. One of those things is true, and that means that you should let go of the expectation that you'll ever hear the real truth from him.

 

I think you need to look closer to the surface. What's underneath might be enlightening, but the surface is enough. On the surface you have a guy whose feelings appear to come and go for reasons not related to you. He is unsure, and gets more unsure when commitment seems imminent. You are assuming he's capable of more, but I think based on what you've seen so far, you shouldn't assume that.

 

I think you need to pull back. I'm not sure a "breakup" is warranted. I'm not sure the drama would be worth it. You just need to start looking beyond him. If he has something real to offer, he'll offer it all on his own. The thing the book has right is that if he had something real to offer, he would have by now. I think that's all you have to go on.

 

Also, it's unlikely he's playing with you. He's probably full of conflict. It's a very rare guy who can hurt a woman without feeling terrible about it. But people still get hurt, because things sometimes don't work no matter how good your intentions.

[Guest]

that book, is SO true.

 

and i agree, a confidence booster.

[litfish]

Aria woman,

Your situation sounds rather similar to mine. I, too, feel a very strong connection with my now ex, but he is really putting me through a severe case of "come here/go away." After reading about your situation, I have to wonder if he does love you, but wishes he didn't. Maybe he thinks that you are perfect for him, except that you don't fit in with his vision of what he expected in a life partner. In which case, he wants to move on and see if he can live without you. However, if he finds he can't, maybe he doesn't want to risk losing you forever if you were "the one." In the meantime, perhaps he is trying to make the stringing along as painless as possible.

 

As an aside, my ex boyfriend and I are very complementary as well. I am more artistic and ruled by the heart, while he is VERY logically-minded(Engineer/software consultant). He makes up his mind and just follows thorough--which can be so great when I need someone to ground me or fix my computer, but when it comes to matters of the heart...he tends to bury his head in the sand and just "not think about it." Maybe, if your man is similarly cerebral and "responsible," he is having difficulty following his heart.

 

By the way, I am 28. Ten years ago, I was less willing to see matters of the heart in anything other than black or white. I have changed. Don't feel like your tendency to consider the nuances of your relationship, or your consideration for your partner's humanity is indicative of emotional immaturity. Best of luck to you.

[norajane]

Jewish guys marry Jewish. They might date non-Jewish, but they don't marry non-Jewish...not while mom's around to be hurt if he does otherwise.

 

Yes, a generalization, but there's a reason for generalizations...they're often true.

 

I'm sure he's very conflicted. He likes you, but can't really see a future for you together, so of course he's going to behave oddly and in a contradictory way. You can either discuss it with him, or move on, but in the end, he's not likely to marry you.