It's been one month of NC and I am hurting

[salice182820]

well hun i dont know why you to split but anything is possible and with time things might work out for the two of you

[zarathustra]

Living in hope is what you will feel because letting go seems impossible. How can a man, who was literally your best friend, someone you laughed with and had a close relationship with, just be gone? I equate it with my MM to this: How can someone who I brought the best out in (by his own admittance), and who I KNOW brought out the best in me, NOT be my soul mate? Not want that feeling all the time? Not be with me forever? Not sacrifice everything for so he won't lose it? Kings have abdicated thrones for the women they love... how can love get better than what my MM and I had? How can he not see it, too?

 

The thing is - these are questions you can't get an answer to. He won't give them to you. There are no answers. There is only you, and what lays ahead for you. It's going to be iscolated from him, and insulated to the rest of the world, because it's hard to find a sympathetic ear when you're the scarlet mistress of the night other woman....

 

Officespace, I thought EXACTLY the same thing as Oz. I also kept telling myself, he's back because of the kids. That he's convinced himself that he can live life happy with his cruel wife so that he can be with the kids. But you know what I realize, life is based on perception. He percieves his life with his W based on what he wants to percieve. Right now, he's percieves his life better with his W in it than not, that his life is better without me than with me. This is from a man who used to tell me that I inspire him to want to do better in life that I bring out the best in him. Well, I'm sure today he and each day he wants to be with his wife, he will tell her that because of her, he's the best father that he can possibly be and that is something very important to him. As I write this, I can hear him say it. Yack! Anyway, my point is, you have the power to percieve your life how you want it to. You can and will one day be able to percieve life without htis man. It may not be possible right now, but you will be.

 

 

For me, the pain was like having someone slowly rip a limb off my body. I could not imagine life without him, and had no idea where to start again. I was vacuumed into oblivion. I would cry in the car on the way to work, I would cry in my office, I would cry in the carpark, I would cry on the way home, I cried washing the dishes, doing my laundry, watching TV, listening to the radio... EVERYTHING had his claim on it in some fashion, and everything was a reminder. I felt there was no escape and hope was my only way out of that horrid feeling of my life being put through a mincer. It's putrid and it's senseless and you feel lost and cold and it's relentless.

 

I would have given this man a kidney if he needed one. Don't underestimate how much I truly, madly, deeply loved him.

 

As I read this, I felt like reading my very own pain that I experienced. I would often stare into space and tears would just come non-stop. I too would have given this man my kidney, both of them if he needed it. I would have given him my life it meant he could live. Heck I already have him my heart, what more could I give?

 

6 months on, I'm fine. I've forced my way out of the depression of this. It's not easy. Words from other people don't make it easier, they just raise more questions sometimes. You keep thinking "but our love is different".

 

Chances are, it's not. I'm sorry to say this. I really am. But, if there's a choice for you to make, it's the best way to get out of this chapter of your life, learn to accept there are no answers, it doesn't make sense, and that it will just have to be "one of those things".

 

Reading everyone's story here made me realize that our love for each other was no different than all the other MM/OW love stories. Many things don't make sense, but hopefully with the bad comes some good. When I look at the good that came out of this, I have made some really valuable friendships. Bonds I never thought possible.

 

Good luck Officespace!

[officespace]

Quote: Well, that re-inforces and makes me 100% certain the wife threatened to leave him.

 

I should have clarified....they are separated. He has had an apt since late Aug 06. The psuedo ex knows about me. She's seen pictures, she asked him who it was and he told her me (we've met). He called her my name while in an argument. His son pictures of us at his apartment. I've never spoken with her thru all this. They (we all, I guess) have boundary issues, so she would continue to let him come see the kids at her place. Overtime, I think she realized he wasn't getting rid of me, and he was stringing her allow to have unfettered access to his kids. I think she was hoping she could wait me out and get him back. He said that the marriage is dead, they discussed it several times that the do not belong together and then both procrastinated on filing for divorce for a few months. Then, just before I broke up with him, the fighting between them (they have totally different views on parenting and she undermines his authority and indulges the kids, so they brawl alot, supposedly) starting really picking up. The last time I saw him, he told me about a fight they had on the phone over firing the nanny and at the end, he asked if she made the appt with a divorce mediator (she wanted to use the same person and work it out) and she didn't answer. They fought all week and the next weekend, she told him he could no longer see the children over there. He must take them with him to his place from now on. She took his key. They both seem to have issues with breaking that family unit up. He went totally dark on me because he went into a depression and he just shuts the world out when that happens. When he finally emailed me after a week of almost no contact, he was kinda feeling me out to see how much damage was done (he and I were also fighting alot because I told him I couldn't wait any longer and that the situation was making me miserable. file for divorce! Our last night together we had some harsh words. I told him he was being weak and immoral. He said he didn't need my drama on top of the fighting with the psuedo ex.) My email back to him was where I broke it off. That's where we stand now. I have no idea if the divorce stuff continued or if the fighting has died down and they are back to doing nothing.

[officespace]

This is from a man who used to tell me that I inspire him to want to do better in life that I bring out the best in him. Well, I'm sure today he and each day he wants to be with his wife, he will tell her that because of her, he's the best father that he can possibly be and that is something very important to him. As I write this, I can hear him say it. Yack!

 

God, my exMM said the same stuff! Do they read some cheater's manual? "You make me want to be a better person" "I want to restore my character and I want a life with you" "When I am with you, I feel attractive, and I feel like a whole person." We did have a few mutual friends and he told them the same things about me, about the whole person stuff and that he loves me alot. His other guy friend told me he love me and cares about me and wants to marry me one day. That was one week before we split. I don't know what the hell to believe anymore. I don't think he does either.

 

I can just imagine the stuff he has told her over the last 7 months. Eek.

[zarathustra]

These jerks will sing the tune that most suits them. I hope he never comes back to me but if he does, I'll tell him that he can sing his sorry tune to someone who gives a s*** because I don't. Not anymore.

[My_Other_I]

These jerks will sing the tune that most suits them. I hope he never comes back to me but if he does, I'll tell him that he can sing his sorry tune to someone who gives a s*** because I don't. Not anymore.

Remember what he tells his wife about you to cover his ass when you start having spot soft for him again. It helps:laugh:

[officespace]

Remember what he tells his wife about you to cover his ass when you start having spot soft for him again. It helps:laugh:

the soft spot is back. i am pretty down these days.

[officespace]

the soft spot is back. i am pretty down these days.

 

I should have added.....I'm down but I know it will get better. One month post-break up always seems to be the hardest time for me. month 2 and 3, where alot of the anger fades and you remember the good stuff.

 

i guess i am just surprised that he went NC on me. I know I broke up, and it's for the best and we shouldn't be seeing each other until/unless he is divorced, but i always thought that if i really bailed, for real, he would come after me. i thought i meant that much to him. he always said i did. but now that it has happened, he is NC and I am dying inside! He is also very stubborn though and since he feels i rejected him, he tends to just shut down and block feelings out.

 

I feel like it's been ages and it's only a little over a month, 5 or 6 weeks. We still have each others' keys and I am wondering why, at the very least, if he wants me out of his life, he hasn't asked me to mail them, like in a past breakup. I mean, when I left the last time I was there, my lingerie was still hanging in his closet, my pajama short in the dirty laundry and my girlie bathroom stuff everywhere. I would think he would want my s*** out so that he could cut me off forever. His behavior has always been so atypical sometimes, though. I just can't make heads or tales of it.

 

I am having a party next weekend (something he suggested for a common interest of ours) and I invited him weeks ago cause it was his idea, and at the time, I thought we could be friends (I felt sooooo done then). He never responded to my invite but I see he looked at it.

 

I don't know. ....I have to stop. Last Friday I was weak and I texted him. No response. Since then, I haven't done anything to contact him.

[zarathustra]

Remember what he tells his wife about you to cover his ass when you start having spot soft for him again. It helps:laugh:

 

I don't know what he's told his wife about me. He has told me in the past after we split that he never would talk badly about me to anyone. Not the same way he talked about his wife. The only reason I believe it is because I believe I'm too insignificant in their lives to even conjure up a conversation.

 

That said, I do think about what he tells his wife about his feelings for her (I imagine him telling her the same things he said to me when we were together) to keep my emotions at bay. Makes me want to yack, but hey, it keeps things in perspective.

 

All I know is that I won't let him hurt me anymore. Its a choice I have made and I will be happy with it.

 

Officespace, be strong. You will get through this. Don't try to understand him or why he's not asking for his keys back. It may offer you a bit of closure to actually go with a friend and pick up your stuff since you have the keys. Pick it up with a friend (I brought one of my best friends), lock the door behind you and then mail him back the keys.

[My_Other_I]

Noone but him and her will know what he tells her, but if you go through some of the posts on infidelity forum, it's not that hard to figure out what kind of bulls*** he feeds her - perhaps to make her feel better. The reasons don't matter, just like the past doesn't matter anymore. It's all about you now, don't let him make you wonder about yourself.

[zarathustra]

Noone but him and her will know what he tells her, but if you go through some of the posts on infidelity forum, it's not that hard to figure out what kind of bulls*** he feeds her - perhaps to make her feel better. The reasons don't matter, just like the past doesn't matter anymore. It's all about you now, don't let him make you wonder about yourself.

 

Exactly. It doesn't matter anymore. I cannot remake my past. The only thing I wonder about is why I have the misfortune of meeting his acquaintance. He added nothing to my life, but took freely from it. I'm glad I'm not mourning him anymore.

 

Thanks MOI!

[Owl]

Zara-

 

I'm sorry I've not been following any of the boards much lately...I've had a lot going on in my own life again...

 

It sounds to me like you've come a LONG ways recently! Way to go!!!

[zarathustra]

Thanks, Owl. I feel like I can breathe again.

 

I hope that the things going on in your life are good things.

[My_Other_I]

Exactly. It doesn't matter anymore. I cannot remake my past. The only thing I wonder about is why I have the misfortune of meeting his acquaintance. He added nothing to my life, but took freely from it. I'm glad I'm not mourning him anymore.

 

Thanks MOI!

Perhaps he is just a reminder of your past mistakes. It will keep you from repeating the same mistake again! Look at it as if it was a good thing!

[zarathustra]

MOI, thanks for putting things into perspective for me.

 

Its amazing that these MMs don't like being in people's bad books. He knows that I'm sour as vinegar with him and he's coming over to my desk every so often to make pouty faces and calling me to tell me he genuinely wants to be nice. To me, it is currently translated to, "blah blah blah warh warh warh". I hope my resolve is hardening rather than softening.

 

Keep reminding me what an ass he was to me, guys! I need it right about now.

[movinon05]

MOI, thanks for putting things into perspective for me.

 

Its amazing that these MMs don't like being in people's bad books. He knows that I'm sour as vinegar with him and he's coming over to my desk every so often to make pouty faces and calling me to tell me he genuinely wants to be nice. To me, it is currently translated to, "blah blah blah warh warh warh". I hope my resolve is hardening rather than softening.

 

Keep reminding me what an ass he was to me, guys! I need it right about now.

 

He sounds like a smacked ass!! Pouty faces! Ugh! Does he think this is a joke? Ugh! I'm sure it would make HIM feel much better to have a nice relationship with you, but F him. It's always about them! He has to realize its not about him anymore. I don't know how some of you do it having to work with these guys. Hang in there. TGIF. You know you're better off without him.

[zarathustra]

MO, hHe made fun of me earlier today in front of my friend after I explicitly told him not to. Then he came by to apologize for it later on. I just looked at him with this blank look. You know, the one where I don't give a s*** look. Then I waved him off as dismissively as I could. I think he was taken aback, but I do it for my sanity.

 

Honestly, I think what's eating him up is that I don't give him the feeling of closeness to me anymore. I think that he hates that. He should have thought about the consequences before dipping his nib in the office ink, huh?

 

I don't know how I am able to work with him either. I guess the prospect of being sued for breach of contract is a good deterent.

 

Thanks for the boost... I needed it.

 

Officespace, sorry for the TJ.

[movinon05]

MO, hHe made fun of me earlier today in front of my friend after I explicitly told him not to. Then he came by to apologize for it later on. I just looked at him with this blank look. You know, the one where I don't give a s*** look. Then I waved him off as dismissively as I could. I think he was taken aback, but I do it for my sanity.

 

Honestly, I think what's eating him up is that I don't give him the feeling of closeness to me anymore. I think that he hates that. He should have thought about the consequences before dipping his nib in the office ink, huh?

 

I don't know how I am able to work with him either. I guess the prospect of being sued for breach of contract is a good deterent.

 

Thanks for the boost... I needed it.

 

Officespace, sorry for the TJ.

 

Makes fun of you in front of others and apologizes in private. What a man! That should tell you something. Yeah - like you are so better off without him!! Have a good weekend anyway.

[zarathustra]

Thanks! you too. I'm sure mine will be lovely.

[My_Other_I]

Have you asked yourself THE question yet?

 

"Why do I love him and what I love about him?"

 

If so, keep asking yourself again and again. With time passing you will come up with different answers.

I now understand that I never have loved him. I just really wanted to love him. I wanted to love someone - anyone. He happened to cross my path. I liked his looks and I liked the sex. I thought that was love. I never liked him as a person. I really pushed myself into thinking that we were soulmates and served as his doormat. In conclusion, we used each other for what we needed at that time. I felt about him the way I wanted to feel. Denial?

He never loved me, either. He just loved the feeling of being in love, he was in love with the 'new' stuff in relationship. I happened to cross his path.

 

It took me a while to realize that. I got the hint when I was getting annoyed by even thinking about his presence. And yet I still didn't want to let go, because it was something I was used to doing and having.

 

Your situations are probably different, but my whole point is that with passing time you will start seeing more of the truth, as opposed to what you wanted to see and what you wanted it to be.

 

Officespace, month is a short time. Try to think rationally about the past relationship. I bet a lot of things will start making sense to you very soon and you will be very happy to be out of that destructive relationship.

[zarathustra]

Have you asked yourself THE question yet?

 

"Why do I love him and what I love about him?"

 

 

I loved him dearly because he wanted and had the ability to love me the way I wanted to be loved. I don't love him anymore as I now doubt his abilities to love me even if he had the desire.

[My_Other_I]

Isn't that the same thing? You both have served certain purpose in each other's life. Do you now know better what you really want from a man? I know I do;)

[zarathustra]

Isn't that the same thing? You both have served certain purpose in each other's life. Do you now know better what you really want from a man? I know I do;)

 

Yeah, I think I know better what I want in a man. He's doesn't fit the bill anymore.