It's been one month of NC and I am hurting

[officespace]

I know I shouldn't be missing this guy. Tuesday will be 5 weeks since the last time I saw him. I am dying today. I am really sad. He ha not tried to contact me at all. I know this breakup was the right thing to do. I don't regret it. I just miss him so much. Expecially today, on Easter. I wonder what he is doing. Is he with the wife and kids? Now that I am out of the picture, are they getting back together? Does he think about me? Does he miss me? Why hasn't he called to at least say hi?

 

I never did get my stuff from his place. We still have not exchanged keys. I would think he would want my stuff gone, or at least to get his keys back. But he hasn't asked. It's only been a month and I feel like it's been years. I feel like he is a stranger to me now.

 

I broke down on Friday and I text messaged him that I woke up having a dream about him and I missed him. He never responded. This is so hard.

 

Any advice?

 

When will it get better?

[My_Other_I]

I know I shouldn't be missing this guy. Tuesday will be 5 weeks since the last time I saw him. I am dying today. I am really sad. He ha not tried to contact me at all. I know this breakup was the right thing to do. I don't regret it. I just miss him so much. Expecially today, on Easter. I wonder what he is doing. Is he with the wife and kids? Now that I am out of the picture, are they getting back together? Does he think about me? Does he miss me? Why hasn't he called to at least say hi?

Missing him is normal. It's a process you go through after a break up. Keep in mind that you have done a very good thing by leaving. Be sad, cry, hate, do whatever, just don't contact him.

He hasn't called because he is with his wife and kids, and also because you two are broken up. Trust me, you don't want him to call and say HI, it will only make you feel worse

 

I never did get my stuff from his place. We still have not exchanged keys. I would think he would want my stuff gone, or at least to get his keys back. But he hasn't asked. It's only been a month and I feel like it's been years. I feel like he is a stranger to me now.

Ask a friend to take care of that one for you. If you never see him again in your life you will be much better off. Seeing him will trigger your emotions and you will go through the pain all over again.

He is a stranger to you. Keep it that way. Fight to keep it that way and in case of contact, treat him that way. You don't have to act the way you feel. Strenght is your best shot.

 

I broke down on Friday and I text messaged him that I woke up having a dream about him and I missed him. He never responded. This is so hard.

That was not very smart. You are now wondering about more things than you were before - because he has not replied. You probably check your phone every 5 minutes and get sadder with progressing time. Forget about this man, it is the best thing you can do for yourself.

Dont' worry about whether or not he thinks about you. It's not relevant.

 

 

When will it get better?

with time. but it will get better.

[Blind Illusion]

He probably doesn't mind the lack of key exchange or the fact that you didn'y get your stuff back because it leaves the door open that little bit, "just in case". I have to be completely honest here. Sometimes, I do things like that also because i hate those solid, concrete goodbyes. At least thats what I think I do, looking back.

 

The text: Not a great idea, for the reason My_Other_I suggests. And now you are wondering all sorts of things like does he care, why hasn't he called, etc. Plus that leaves the window open for him to contact you and claim he was just answering your text, etc. I have made and continue to make similar mistakes so I can identify with this action though.

[officespace]

i know i screwed up with the text message. it was a moment of weakness. and you are right! it made it worse because i am wondering why he hasn't responded. i just feel like this was the weirdest breakup ever. not face to face. not even over the phone. no long discussions. just one email from him, my breakup email and his angry response.

 

maybe the fact that he is not calling me is because he actually does care about me.

 

the last time we spoke, she had taken his key away (to her place; he has an apartment) and told him he could no longer visit the kids at her house. he must take them to his apartment to see them. he was super pissed and they were talking about scheduling an appt with a divorce mediator. i'm just curious as to what happened. i wonder if she stuck with that or gave in again. i wonder if they filed yet. i guess some day i might find out. i wonder if he has started up with someone new or is trying to get back with her. honestly, sometimes i think that by my ending it, i may have pushed him back to her, and it makes me a little sick. but, i have to keep remembering that i don't want to be with some guy that just has to be with someone, anyone.

[My_Other_I]

You did not push him back to her. If he didn't want to go back, he wouldn't have.

He would go back to her sooner or later.

[zarathustra]

Hi OfficeSpace. Sorry to hear you feel so badly. I sent an email to my xMM last week to tell him that I cannot handle working with him when he's jesting with me, like we're buddies, when we are not. I needed to get closure and sent told him that I am sorry not to be able to keep the promise of spending the rest of my life with him, but I realized that its a promise I cannot keep because he's not there to let me keep it.

 

I think that I did what I needed to get a sense of closure. I have not felt the way I'm feeling for a long time. I actually feel normal! I feel sane! I feel peace! After I sent the email, I heard my favourite new song (which reminds me of him) and cried a whole lot. Since then, I have not cried about him.

 

Your xMM (yes, I've followed your thread), was much like my xMM. I think most of them are cut from the same cloth. He started running back to his W before we broke up. I think that all he cared about was himself.

 

If anything good can come out of our experience, I hope that we realize what real passion is and to take no less. But before that, take some time to heal. We both need it.

 

Today is Easter. Rather than feeling sad, I took this as a time of rebirth. But that's just me.

[Guest]

Z..., I cannot tell you...your posts help me so much.

 

I know this is the right thing....ending it. i guess I forget how unhappy I was. I still love him so much. I wish things could have worked out the way we talked about. I should post the early convos. Ya'll could see why I fell. But, it seems like the same old story as every other girl.

 

I miss him. I miss sleeping next to him. I miss our friendship. Going out. I miss our laughs. I miss the sex. I cannot believe i made it this long. I miss that the 4+yr platonic friendship prior is gone. I miss my friend. At the same time, I am so proud for having the courage to end it. Now. It was hard. It was the right thing. I am 33 next month. I told his friends the weekend before I ended it.....I am simply too old to waste years on someone so indecisive. I refuse to give up my lifelong dream of family and kids for anyone......not even the love of my life. I have to remember the bad stuff now.

 

We spent alot of time together. 3-4 nights a week (spending the night). But we were never a real couple. Just fun and sex.

 

This hurts so bad to realize...

[lovernotafighter]

office space I'm sorry to hear your feeling so bad...try to hold on and think of the good things in life for there are many..learn from your experience and use it to strengthen your life

 

~Disappointment to a noble soul is what cold water is to burning metal; it strengthens, tempers, intensifies, but never destroys it. ~

[OzGirl]

i know i screwed up with the text message. it was a moment of weakness. and you are right! it made it worse because i am wondering why he hasn't responded. i just feel like this was the weirdest breakup ever. not face to face. not even over the phone. no long discussions. just one email from him, my breakup email and his angry response.

 

maybe the fact that he is not calling me is because he actually does care about me.

 

the last time we spoke, she had taken his key away (to her place; he has an apartment) and told him he could no longer visit the kids at her house. he must take them to his apartment to see them. he was super pissed and they were talking about scheduling an appt with a divorce mediator. i'm just curious as to what happened. i wonder if she stuck with that or gave in again. i wonder if they filed yet. i guess some day i might find out. i wonder if he has started up with someone new or is trying to get back with her. honestly, sometimes i think that by my ending it, i may have pushed him back to her, and it makes me a little sick. but, i have to keep remembering that i don't want to be with some guy that just has to be with someone, anyone.

 

Officespace - you have my absolute sympathy to how hard this is for you - I KNOW that feeling.

 

I can tell you, ALL I wanted when MM went back to his W was to hear from him "it's over". I wanted to know FOR SURE there was a point in which to move away from - deal with the grief and get on with life.

 

But, the calls, the sms's, the emails, the online chats... it prolonged the inevitable (ending) and it was the catalyst for bringing out the most hideous and worst side in us both (I don't think we even knew they existed in ourselves, let alone, each other). It was almost to ensure ultimate destruction of our relationship because it wasn't "us" that had a problem and broke it up - it was his W finding out.

 

So, I know it's hard, but be pleased that he is not giving you hope and making your head and heart see and believe two different things. He has ended it, so you can now deal with accepting it and moving on. It's all you can do. Either that, or contact him and appear needy. It's not a good look for anyone, and IF you are to meet up with him again one day - when he's a free man (I would hope), then at least you could do that, head held high.

 

As for still having your key and stuff - just send his back to him by registered post, and a very brief note that he do the same. I did this with my MM - send him an express post satchel with one enclosed already addressed to myself. It worked in him knowing I wasn't holding on - I was moving on (well, my intention - reality was it took me a good solid 6 months of life in hell inside my own mind and heart before I got 'functional' again).

 

If he's going through divorce proceedings or not, at this point, unfortunately, your choice is to assume life will be without him and move forward. Don't stop any of your own personal goals or endeavours on the chance he may be doing this. He is, RIGHT NOW, not considering you - and you ought not, therefore, let him take up time in your life. It's clear how he feels - his actions towards you are quite obvious.

 

It hurts... BOY does it burn. But, you have to consider it's over and find other things to think about and wonder and let him go. The fact that you're wondering have you "pushed" him back to his wife, or is he entertaining someone knew - that says a lot about how much you don't trust his sense of loyalty. It's no good for you - to have someone in your life who you need to question that about.

 

There will be, once you accept he's gone, a day when you realise how yuck a man is who will just let you go into oblivion. I know it's easier said than done, but consider this: you can't control your emotions, BUT, they are a CONSEQUENCE of what you are thinking at the time. Distract your thoughts if it becomes overwhelming and let the emotions take a break. But, behave your way forward and you will be glad you did one day.

 

Inside yourself - let him go. It doesn't matter whether he's with his wife, a new g/f, alone or whatever. Let him go. Move on, and move up to something better and more real. Let the transition happen and be strong.

[movinon05]

I know I shouldn't be missing this guy. Tuesday will be 5 weeks since the last time I saw him. I am dying today. I am really sad. He ha not tried to contact me at all. I know this breakup was the right thing to do. I don't regret it. I just miss him so much. Expecially today, on Easter. I wonder what he is doing. Is he with the wife and kids? Now that I am out of the picture, are they getting back together? Does he think about me? Does he miss me? Why hasn't he called to at least say hi?

 

Unfortunately its usually a long slow painful process. You will always wonder. But NC is the only way to move on. Surround yourself with support. Do you have anyone you can talk to. When you get upset, if you can't think of anything else, come to this board and talk. And take the time reading through these posts. I know your pain too well. But time does heal. Once you start doing this rather than wallowing in your misery, you'll find a light at the end of the tunnel, and start enjoying your life, rather than wasting it away in misery. I look back and realize I spent 7 yrs of wasted time on him. That's a long time in one person's lifetime. And when I think about it, it disgusts me how much time in my life was wasted on that man. The sooner you make changes in your life, the sooner the healing. NC is the most important thing. Hang in there. You will get through this.

[Jessie61]

 

So, I know it's hard, but be pleased that he is not giving you hope and making your head and heart see and believe two different things. He has ended it, so you can now deal with accepting it and moving on. It's all you can do. Either that, or contact him and appear needy. It's not a good look for anyone, and IF you are to meet up with him again one day - when he's a free man (I would hope), then at least you could do that, head held high.

 

...........

 

If he's going through divorce proceedings or not, at this point, unfortunately, your choice is to assume life will be without him and move forward. Don't stop any of your own personal goals or endeavours on the chance he may be doing this. He is, RIGHT NOW, not considering you - and you ought not, therefore, let him take up time in your life.

......

 

Inside yourself - let him go. It doesn't matter whether he's with his wife, a new g/f, alone or whatever. Let him go. Move on, and move up to something better and more real. Let the transition happen and be strong.

 

 

Ozgirl has once again hit the head on the nail! I agree with everything she says and I have highlighted some of her comments.

 

Although it is H-A-R-D, it is probably better to have "no" hope than "some" hope? With the certaintly of the former at least you can try to step off the roller coaster that we all talk about on this forum and then you can try to move on. Make your own plans! If your MM should re-appear single at some stage, then you can always change your plans IF you want to. If he doesn't, then at least your life has moved on for the better. In both cases, you can hold your head high!

[officespace]

I'm gonna start a new thread and paste in the actual conversations we had that led up to the relationship. Fortunately (or unfortunately) the entire relationship was basically capture in IM conversations. I want other girls to see what these guys say to manipulate you and "make you fall" for them. I can't remember which post, but I saw almost identical statements from another MM. I think they do mean it when they say it, but when it comes time to act, they freeze. It's these statement, early in the relationship, that make it so hard to let go. You want to still believe those things, even though with each day, I am realizing that stuff was not reality.

[officespace]

So, I know it's hard, but be pleased that he is not giving you hope and making your head and heart see and believe two different things. He has ended it, so you can now deal with accepting it and moving on. It's all you can do. Let the transition happen and be strong.

 

OzGirl, this is the things that confusing the hell out of me. He was having drama with the W, so he pulled away from me, and we didn't speak for a week. Once he finally contacted me, he said, "I don't blam you if you don't want to talk to me after this. I don't know if I am ready for a full=blown relationship anyway." Before he said this, I was already planning to break up with him. So I sent him the break up email (he is being really weird, won't call me on the phone, all communication via email or text message, even from work). 30 min after I sent my email, he wrote a mean response and it is he said, "If you could have been more patient, we could have gotten thru this!"

 

HUH? Am I dense or did he totally contradict himself in the course of two emails. First he isn't ready for a relationship. Then, if I was more patient we could have gotten thru this. For what??? I don't get him.

 

And then he was MAD at me for breaking up with him, when really, by vanishing and simply "checking out" on me, he initiated the breakup. He doesn't see that, though.

 

He was giving me mixed messages. Telling me to be patient, things are changing, what we have is special (up until the end) and then saying he isn't ready. AAArrrgghhh!

 

This part always kills me, too. During the ENTIRE time I have known him (4 1/2 years of friendship prior to getting romantically involved; I was his boss years back), he would talk about the marriage and the W and never once did he say he loves her or is in love with her. He always positioned that marriage as a "way to solve a problem", he said. He married her simply because she was pregnant and her travel visa was expiring in 4 days. They had only dated for 2 months. Okay, so cut to a few months ago. He says for the first time, "Okay, so I am not telling you this to hurt you....but I do love W." I said "love, or in love?" And he said, "what's the difference? Do I want to pursue a romantic relationship with her? No. But I care about her."

 

The relationship he always portrayed to me was an empty, fake marriage, where they were totally different and had nothing in common, and fought alot. And suddenly once they are talking divorce, another version comes out. What gives?

[officespace]

I should also mention that although I am focusing on all the negative B.S. in the relationship, what we did have was "awesome" when it was good and he really did/does care about me. It's just sad that it had to work out this way. The timing of it was all wrong, but I wouldn't take these last 9 months back. No way. I guess he did as much as he could with everything going on in his life. It just wasn't enough for me.

[zarathustra]

Be happy that you value yourself enough not to settle for second best. You deserve the best that life has to offer. Don't forget that. Cling onto it.

[officespace]

it's sad but i think i do have some hope. not for now....i'm finally realizing how bad the timing was for he and i. maybe down the line? i am just so sad that we lost our friendship because we had a great friendship.

[movinon05]

it's sad but i think i do have some hope. not for now....i'm finally realizing how bad the timing was for he and i. maybe down the line? i am just so sad that we lost our friendship because we had a great friendship.

 

This sounds to me like you are not willing to give up hoping. And you will never begin to heal unless you make adjustments. You have to allow this to end. You have to allow his marriage to end it if is going to and if for some reason, you are still around and he wants to start again, then maybe. But in the meantime, you have to go through the grieving process and learn to love yourself and give yourself a life, because that "hope" will most likely not materialize. Once you take the time to heal, you may very well find that you do not want him back if he ever does leave. You may find someone just as wonderful, or realize that you are better without him. Everything everyone says sounds so easy but we all know its not. Its just something that has to be done. But as long as you hang onto hope, you cannot move forward.

[officespace]

This sounds to me like you are not willing to give up hoping. And you will never begin to heal unless you make adjustments. You have to allow this to end. You have to allow his marriage to end it if is going to and if for some reason, you are still around and he wants to start again, then maybe. But in the meantime, you have to go through the grieving process and learn to love yourself and give yourself a life, because that "hope" will most likely not materialize. Once you take the time to heal, you may very well find that you do not want him back if he ever does leave. You may find someone just as wonderful, or realize that you are better without him. Everything everyone says sounds so easy but we all know its not. Its just something that has to be done. But as long as you hang onto hope, you cannot move forward.

i know. you're right. i am trying to drop that hope. i don't think there is a future for us in terms of being a couple. i am lamenting the loss of our friendship. i guess i am hoping we can get that back one day. but, for now i need to move on.

[movinon05]

You know, I would be lying if I said I didn't think about what we had planned and if would ever be possible someday. "We" planned a cabin in the woods, and talked about how our days would be and where we would go and what we would do, and on and on. My mind does wander about the what ifs. And what if this relationship I am in doesn't work out, and what if he finally leaves his wife when our kids are older and will have to accept it. I could "what if" forever. But when I do that, I start thinking about the lies and deception and the jealous rages over nothing, and the manipulation, and think about how he controlled my every move. I was not a whole person. I don't like the person I became when I was with him. No matter how much I loved him. I wanted my life to end afterwards. I cried endlessly to my best friend and she did everything she could to get me to see reason. Thank God she was there and put up with me.

 

But I can't deny that I feel like a whole person now - even if that piece is missing. I like myself now. And its really pathetic when you're in a situation like that that you don't like yourself. I have loved ones around me to support me and tell me I am doing the right thing and I know I am. Does it take away from missing that love that I had, that "we" had? No. Its still there and I feel like it will haunt me the rest of my days. And I truly wish I had never met him because the ache is imbedded deep down. I can honestly say though that I am able to hang on and survive and realize that I can be happy again. And I work on that daily, enjoying each new experience that I have, that I wouldn't have had if I was still in that situation. I just never would have wanted it to happen to me like this.

 

It will always be there. Its something you have to accept, but it doesn't mean your life can't be better.

[officespace]

I'm just wondering for all those out of your relationships....have you started dating yet? If so, how long does it take until you can go out with someone new without thinking of the exMM. I've been asked out but I declined because I don't feel ready. On the other hand, will I ever feel ready?

[officespace]

You know, I would be lying if I said I didn't think about what we had planned and if would ever be possible someday. "We" planned a cabin in the woods, and talked about how our days would be and where we would go and what we would do, and on and on. My mind does wander about the what ifs. And what if this relationship I am in doesn't work out, and what if he finally leaves his wife when our kids are older and will have to accept it. I could "what if" forever. But when I do that, I start thinking about the lies and deception and the jealous rages over nothing, and the manipulation, and think about how he controlled my every move. I was not a whole person. I don't like the person I became when I was with him. No matter how much I loved him. I wanted my life to end afterwards. I cried endlessly to my best friend and she did everything she could to get me to see reason. Thank God she was there and put up with me.

 

But I can't deny that I feel like a whole person now - even if that piece is missing. I like myself now. And its really pathetic when you're in a situation like that that you don't like yourself. I have loved ones around me to support me and tell me I am doing the right thing and I know I am. Does it take away from missing that love that I had, that "we" had? No. Its still there and I feel like it will haunt me the rest of my days. And I truly wish I had never met him because the ache is imbedded deep down. I can honestly say though that I am able to hang on and survive and realize that I can be happy again. And I work on that daily, enjoying each new experience that I have, that I wouldn't have had if I was still in that situation. I just never would have wanted it to happen to me like this.

 

It will always be there. Its something you have to accept, but it doesn't mean your life can't be better.

MO, what is your full story? i read some of it but do you also have your story on a thread somewhere? you were with him 7 years, right? wowza, that is a long time. you are being very strong. i want you to know that your posts were what gave me the strength to pull the trigger when i did, so to speak. I thought I was gonna wait it out until June. That would have been one year and we have tickets to go to New York end of May (over my birthday). I couldn't make it until then and reading your posts helped expedite that, so thanks.

[My_Other_I]

I'm just wondering for all those out of your relationships....have you started dating yet? If so, how long does it take until you can go out with someone new without thinking of the exMM. I've been asked out but I declined because I don't feel ready. On the other hand, will I ever feel ready?

I've been where you are now, I felt the same way. I went on dates and only thought of him.

I finally snapped out of it. I didn't push it (but god was I tired of it!), it just happened. I kept busy, met many new people and tried to live a life that I wanted to live - life with no secrets, life dignity and respect for others. Life that I live happily and where I contribute to my own happiness.

Lately I have been dating quite a bit. By becoming confident and independant again, I have not really experienced shortage of great guys to go out with. I've also met some real a**h***s, but that comes with the good stuff I have decided to stay single for a while and am honest with the guys. Many of them are on their way to become my friends, which I am really excited about. I hardly ever think of him anymore. I only remember when I come here and then I just laugh about the whole situation because I was stupidly naive and in love. I, too, thought that timing was wrong, that we were meant for each other...blah blah. Now I see that he is a cheater whom I do not want in my life. I am too proud to put up with s*** like that. He's done it to his wife, he will do that to you. No doubt.

 

Date when you are ready. I don't think that going out with a guy even now, when you are not ready, is a bad thing. It will take your mind off things. Going out on a date doesn't mean anything serious. Just be your self, be honest with him and have fun. Or try at least:D

 

Things will get better. As much as you don't believe it right now, things do and will get better for you. They already have! You are a single woman again. You don't have to feel guilty and 'dirty' anymore, you don't have doubts and worries. You miss him, but that will pass.

 

Get out there, do what you like, miss him like hell, just wait it out. Please, don't go back to him. PLEASE! For your own sake!

 

Sorry, I went off a bit:laugh:

[zarathustra]

Hi Officespace,

 

Rather than going on a tangent on the other thread, I thought I would post you my story on your thread instead (so to not TJ). I think I did post my thread somewhere, but I cannot remember where. Its kinda long, but here it is...

 

My story is very much like all the others. The MM I was seeing knows that I am married. We work together and back in March last year, I had some problems with people at work. That's when we started chatting, as friends. We found out that we have a lot in common. We have the same value sstem and we view many things similarly... so it seemed.

 

Anyway, I really liked him as a person and I grew fond of him as my friend. Last June, he told me that he was really fond of me. I told him that I am flattered and felt the same, but as we are both married (even though I was unhappy in mine), nothing can come of it. I had problems in my marriage and my H and I don't value things the same way. I decided that I was going to leave my H but asked him to stay with his W because he has 2 young kids. I said that if they can treat each other with respect and if he has some love left for her then he should try to work things out with her. He decided to leave, telling me that he cannot imagine a life without me (you know the usual). Up until that point, it was purely an emotional affair. When I left my H, he moved in with me.

 

At first we were blissfully happy. But as time went by and seeing his children only twice a week set in on him. He was sad a lot of the time missing them. One day, I told him that I loved him a lot... I care about his happiness more than mine and if he felt he could go home, I would want him to go home and be with his kids. He told me that he doesn't want to do that and that it is me that he loves. A week later he confessed to me that two weeks before I told him to call his wife to try again, he already asked his W to take him home but she said no. So he had lied to me for a month!! He begged me to give him a chance and not leave. I looked at what he gave up to be with me and said yes. He promised to work with me on our relationship and that things will be good. But a week after his confession, he didn't act like he wanted to work on things. So I asked him if I was last on his priorities right now. He said that I was. I asked if I would ever be part of his family, he said that I wasn't. So I left. I called my H, who knew everything and we talked; he asked me to go home. I told him I would be staying with my parents and that I was too disillusioned to be with him. Anyway, a couple of months went by and my H and I talked about all the issues I had with the marriage and he told me that he would always fight for me and for my love. That he wasn't willing to give me up. He said that he wanted me to move home and give things another shot and that he thinks that I would regret it if I didn't give us one more chance. Since Christmas, I've been home with my husband. I was still thinking of my xMM a lot. I was angry with the way things ended and seeing him at work was a constant reminder of how we met, how we grew close and where we fell in love. It was a daily torture. He also was joking around with me like nothing ever happened. Like we never lost the friendship, but we did. Anyway, last week, I set some boundaries as to how he was to behave around me at work and he has complied with my wishes. I feel much better since then.

 

I hope that you will find what you need in order to get closure too. I think that its awful how we have/had to suffer for someone who only cared about himself.

 

I wish you best of luck with getting over your MM.

[movinon05]

MO, what is your full story? i read some of it but do you also have your story on a thread somewhere? you were with him 7 years, right? wowza, that is a long time. you are being very strong. i want you to know that your posts were what gave me the strength to pull the trigger when i did, so to speak. I thought I was gonna wait it out until June. That would have been one year and we have tickets to go to New York end of May (over my birthday). I couldn't make it until then and reading your posts helped expedite that, so thanks.

 

Wow. Thank you for saying that. Everyone seems to have the same experiences here so I didn't really think mine was much different. I wish I had been on this board while I was going through all this. Maybe I would have shaved a few years off!! And as someone else just said, coming to this board makes me think of him more often and brings memories back, both good and bad, but this board helps too much when you see you're not alone. I wouldn't wish what I have been through on my worst enemy. In any case, I will post my story. However, It may take me a bit to try to condense 7 years. Perhaps it will be cathartic for me as well.

 

In the meantime, as far as dating... as the others said. Make it simple at first. I had spent so many years alone and not dating because I was afraid I would lose him, that when I set my mind to ending it, I forged ahead and went on a dating site. But only because I had already started detaching from him before we ended. That's not necessarily best for everyone at first. But I knew that if I didn't make something happen it never would because I have no opportunities to meet people on a daily basis. I certainly learned alot while dating, and after a few short relationships, I became even stronger with knowing exactly what I wanted in a relationship. They all treated me better than my MM which was a real eye opener, I'll tell ya. It was so nice to be appreciated. I've been seeing a guy for 6 months now who is the first person I have met who treats me exactly how I want to be treated and we have a great chemistry. So I'm hopeful.

 

One thing you will realize as you date is that you will think of him less and realize that there is a life out there to enjoy. Just don't expect that it will all go away soon. And go into it with an open mind. Enjoy yourself first.

[OzGirl]

OzGirl, this is the things that confusing the hell out of me. He was having drama with the W, so he pulled away from me, and we didn't speak for a week. Once he finally contacted me, he said, "I don't blam you if you don't want to talk to me after this. I don't know if I am ready for a full=blown relationship anyway." Before he said this, I was already planning to break up with him. So I sent him the break up email (he is being really weird, won't call me on the phone, all communication via email or text message, even from work). 30 min after I sent my email, he wrote a mean response and it is he said, "If you could have been more patient, we could have gotten thru this!"

 

HUH? Am I dense or did he totally contradict himself in the course of two emails. First he isn't ready for a relationship. Then, if I was more patient we could have gotten thru this. For what??? I don't get him.

 

And then he was MAD at me for breaking up with him, when really, by vanishing and simply "checking out" on me, he initiated the breakup. He doesn't see that, though.

 

He was giving me mixed messages. Telling me to be patient, things are changing, what we have is special (up until the end) and then saying he isn't ready. AAArrrgghhh!.

 

Okay, here's how I interpret what you've said, because I can very much relate to this. Word for word, you could be me 6 months ago.

 

He's comfortable when W's there and you're there. Throw a spanner in the works, and he has to balance it back up again. Drama with the W? I think maybe the W realised the marriage was stagnant and had a chat to him about their future - should they stay together? Not related at all to you. But, the M facilitated him seeing you all that time. Just like my MM, I think he was bored and ONLY after meeting me, thought he was neglected by his W (through comparison).

 

So, he's thought - no, he doesn't want to lose his wife, so he's put the focus on her (he has, in his mind whilst he's doing this, the awareness of you in his life. He could even have been compensating for that out of guilt without his wife knowing. Hence, he says he "can't blame you" for being upset with this. He is, in saying that, admitting his attention is not on you, it's his W).

 

You send him an email saying you wanted to break up anyway. He gets annoyed because now he has the imbalance in his perfect life AGAIN, and he's annoyed at you for doing that to HIM. He's saying to you, if only you'd waited whilst he got the W back where she was before, happily cruising along, not going anywhere, not threatening anything in his life as he knows it, then he could have picked up where he left off. Wife at home, you on the side.

 

There isn't a chance, in my opinion, of your patience amounting to a "relationship". That might be your interpretation and hope putting a bias on what you think he meant. I think he meant go back the way it was. If he wanted a relationship with you, he wouldn't have gone to put so much attention on his wife. He would have possibly let his W continue on that line of instability knowing that it could lead to the wife leaving him, and then he could have you without risking being caught. That COULD happen - if that's what he wanted. And, you think about it. This man thinks the world spins around him. He has abruptly left you to focus on the wife (putting HIS needs first, yours last).

 

He has then been upset you didn't wait around for him to do so (again, annoyed you put yourself before him). So, with what suits him being his highest priority, how EASY he could have it if his wife left him due to marriage problems, and not because he's having an affair. That would be like a lotto win for a man who wanted that outcome. But, that's not the outcome, and assuming quite safely he knows how to manipulate his world to suit him first, his world is suiting him first still.

 

He's giving you mixed messages. I think you, and maybe the W, have almost simultaneously upset his applecart. The fact that he sent you an email 30 mins after receiving yours shows he's not someone who thinks too far ahead. How he feels RIGHT NOW is what he reacts and makes statements about. Fine, but he was annoyed with you and was punishing you by sending that email. He expects your sympathy or support whilst he works on some issue with his wife (again, because the universe revolves around him), then get's upset that you didn't do as expected. Childish, don't you think? This is a man you loved, and he can, within half an hour, act like a 3 year old having a tanty.

 

This part always kills me, too. During the ENTIRE time I have known him (4 1/2 years of friendship prior to getting romantically involved; I was his boss years back), he would talk about the marriage and the W and never once did he say he loves her or is in love with her. He always positioned that marriage as a "way to solve a problem", he said. He married her simply because she was pregnant and her travel visa was expiring in 4 days. They had only dated for 2 months. Okay, so cut to a few months ago. He says for the first time, "Okay, so I am not telling you this to hurt you....but I do love W." I said "love, or in love?" And he said, "what's the difference? Do I want to pursue a romantic relationship with her? No. But I care about her."

 

The relationship he always portrayed to me was an empty, fake marriage, where they were totally different and had nothing in common, and fought alot. And suddenly once they are talking divorce, another version comes out. What gives?

 

Well, that re-inforces and makes me 100% certain the wife threatened to leave him. All that stuff he told you was true. I believe that whilst my MM was seeing me, it was true for him, too. He didn't like his marriage, but was there out of obligation, routine and lack of ability to be in charge of his life. He liked being a martyr. Complaining about it got him a lot of attention (and the more he did it, the more he got mine). The attention gained becomes the benefit of the situation. It's more beneficial than actually solving the problem. Solving it would mean it's been and gone. Being a martyr about it means it's constant, it's comfortable, and it's easy. He's nearly lost his wife, and it's because of that, it's made him think about her worth, and that combined with the guilt in his own mind of cheating on her, has made him focus on her and realise what a good woman she is, even if she doesn't give him the time you do, either physically or emotionally. She probably looks after the house, the kids, and goes to bed at night exhausted, but for the greater good of their family. He doesn't do that. He knows it. He feels guilty about it. And, he wants to feel worthy of respect, and is now working on it.

 

 

it's sad but i think i do have some hope. not for now....i'm finally realizing how bad the timing was for he and i. maybe down the line? i am just so sad that we lost our friendship because we had a great friendship.

 

Give up the hope. He loves his wife, and he's had a scare of some sort, and possibly that "brush with death" feeling. He's probably thinking how lucky he is that him being caught having an affair was NOT the catalyst to do the same thing it would have done - make him reassess his marriage, focus on it and fix it.

 

Living in hope is what you will feel because letting go seems impossible. How can a man, who was literally your best friend, someone you laughed with and had a close relationship with, just be gone? I equate it with my MM to this: How can someone who I brought the best out in (by his own admittance), and who I KNOW brought out the best in me, NOT be my soul mate? Not want that feeling all the time? Not be with me forever? Not sacrifice everything for so he won't lose it? Kings have abdicated thrones for the women they love... how can love get better than what my MM and I had? How can he not see it, too?

 

The thing is - these are questions you can't get an answer to. He won't give them to you. There are no answers. There is only you, and what lays ahead for you. It's going to be iscolated from him, and insulated to the rest of the world, because it's hard to find a sympathetic ear when you're the scarlet mistress of the night other woman....

 

For me, the pain was like having someone slowly rip a limb off my body. I could not imagine life without him, and had no idea where to start again. I was vacuumed into oblivion. I would cry in the car on the way to work, I would cry in my office, I would cry in the carpark, I would cry on the way home, I cried washing the dishes, doing my laundry, watching TV, listening to the radio... EVERYTHING had his claim on it in some fashion, and everything was a reminder. I felt there was no escape and hope was my only way out of that horrid feeling of my life being put through a mincer. It's putrid and it's senseless and you feel lost and cold and it's relentless.

 

I would have given this man a kidney if he needed one. Don't underestimate how much I truly, madly, deeply loved him.

 

6 months on, I'm fine. I've forced my way out of the depression of this. It's not easy. Words from other people don't make it easier, they just raise more questions sometimes. You keep thinking "but our love is different".

 

Chances are, it's not. I'm sorry to say this. I really am. But, if there's a choice for you to make, it's the best way to get out of this chapter of your life, learn to accept there are no answers, it doesn't make sense, and that it will just have to be "one of those things".

 

I know this is a long post, but if I was standing in front of you, you'd see, I mean this from the absolute bottom of my heart - don't make this any more painful for yourself. Move on, hold your head high, look after your gentle heart, and don't look back. Time will show he will only contact you when there's a drop in the marriage-is-all-going-fine-meter, and it will be for his OWN selfish satisfaction he will do it - not because he wants to make long lasting permanent changes with you.

 

Take care, and keep posting.