KittenMoon Posted April 16, 2006 Posted April 16, 2006 Just got home from 3 days at my parents. It was bizarre, not saying goodbye to him, not calling him when I got there to tell him I was ok. At home, my mother had discreetly moved the picture of us to the back of the family photos behind a much bigger frame. I noticed but said nothing. I tried not to look at the working fountain he made me a few months into our relationship. A small figure study of his back stared at me from the top of a pile of my artwork- i had forgotten all about it. My friend cut about six inches off my hair- I almost cried afterwards because I couldn't stop thinking about him saying he liked my hair long. (and then had to explain to my friend it wasn't about the cut!) I stared in my full length mirror minus six inches of hair and over 10 pounds- I look more different than I have in years. My grandparents visited- no one said a word about him. The utterly worst part was getting into the train station and him not being there- so many happy reunions were had at that place. I played out the fantasy that my friends had told him about my trip, and that he decided to come get me- that I would see him smiling on the platform like all the times before. I was, not surprisingly, disappointed. When we broke up, during one of my weeping sessions, i was informed that he said "it's not like I never want to see her again". Honestly, when I remember the things he said like that, I really wonder if he realizes how much he's hurt me, and what this situation might really mean. I wonder if he realizes he may have lost me entirely as a person in his life. I wonder if that even matters to him. And on another note, our mutual friends have apparently taken great offense to being almost completely ignored by him- I was told the night before I left by another friend that they had not sent him a wedding invitation, despite all of us having been friends for years and years. I wonder if he's even noticed. How can some people just suddenly be so devoid of human feeling? I don't think I'll ever understand. I can't believe how deep this sadness runs. I just want it to go away. This is a long road. There's been a lot about forgivness in this forum lately- but I'm not there yet...
My_Other_I Posted April 17, 2006 Posted April 17, 2006 That is such a sad post. I am sorry you are going through this. Keep your chin up and stay beautiful, from your posts I get a feeling that you are a wonderful person worth knowing.
Curmudgeon Posted April 17, 2006 Posted April 17, 2006 All in good time, KM. You have some major adjustments to make but you'll do so when and as you're ready to. Your post really resonated with me. I remember my first business trip following separation and eventual divorce from the ex. Out of habit I called when I arrived to let her and the children know I'd done so safely and gave her the phone and room number where I was staying. She couldn't have cared less and I think that's what struck me the most. It was the last time I did that. This kind of adjustment simply takes time.
alphamale Posted April 17, 2006 Posted April 17, 2006 It was the last time I did that. This kind of adjustment simply takes time. agreed....the brain is funny how it gets into patterns without thinking. it takes time to re-adjust and re-program. i'm sure you will do OK.
ATrain Posted April 17, 2006 Posted April 17, 2006 I know exactly how hard it is. My ex GF and I used to spend every morning together as we both work later on in the day. It's been almost 2 months since I've seen and yet every morning is still very painful for me. I miss her so much. I often wonder if I'm ever in her thoughts.
Author KittenMoon Posted April 17, 2006 Author Posted April 17, 2006 Lately, I have just felt like I don't even exist. It's not that I defined my life around him- but I do define my life around the people in my life that I care about and he was a big chunk of that. I've realized that the only thing in my life that matters to me is the good friends and family in it. Money, career, etc means very little to me. I wish I could dedicate every day to making my friends and family happy, because that's what makes me happy. He, on the other hand, is chasing "success". He has the worst Oedipus complex EVER. He wants to surpass his father (his family is very career oriented) and marry a woman like his mother. I am very like her, except that I expect to be treated like a partner, not like a son treats his mother- I think somewhere along the line he lost this. And I am too young to be crammed into this mold. I am trying to redefine myself. But it's hard when you feel like you are barely here, like you barely connect with the world. I have no best friend anymore to vent to, and I can feel the tension building up. I'm just so sad all the time. I wish my apartment wasn't so small so I could set up an art studio again... I feel the need to paint.
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