Rebecca1234 Posted April 16, 2006 Posted April 16, 2006 I'm at my wit's end, and have absolutely no one to talk to about the situation I'm in. I'm 23, and I have never been married. I come from a strong Baptist background, and have never done anything sexually immoral. I've always been waiting for the man of my dreams, okay? I don't want to give up something so special to a man I'm not married to. I don't tease, fornicate or fool around. This is how I was raised, and this is how I am. I've been dating a young man I met at a church meeting several months ago. He goes to another church across my city, but we have pretty much the same views on religion. Sounds great. He would seem to be everything I could hope for. My parents like him. My friends like him. Everyone likes him. I even like him. You can't NOT like him. He's just that nice. But I don't FEEL anything for him. Does this make any sense? I'm a girl, and I go by my feelings maybe more than I should, but that's how we girls are wired, I guess. But it goes deeper than that. I have never really dated seriously before. This is okay, as unsupervised dating was frowned on by my parents, and you just don't date anyone who isn't a Baptist. My church isn't that large, so there haven't been that many guys to date. It was pure chance that I met Jeremy (that's his name-lol) when he came to one of our services with a friend of his who sometimes comes to church. Whew. I'm giving you a lot of background, but I'm so nervous right now, it helps me to vent. I talk a lot, too. lol. So nervous! I never really wanted to date. I always had the afore-mentioned reasons to fall back on, so it wasn't a problem. But, I'm not getting any younger- as my mom tells me, so when Jeremy was introduced to me, we talked, and he asked me out. Okay. I went out with him, and now we go out to dinner once or twice a week. Everything is fine. He is always a gentleman and never makes a pass or says anything that could be considered improper. He doesn't even try to hold hands. Okay. That doesn't bother me. It really doesn't bother me at all. Even in high school, I have never had any romantic feelings for any of the guys I have known. I went to public school, and of course I would never have been allowed to date a non-Christian guy, but even if I had been able to, I don't think I would have. My ability to inter-act with non-believers was always sharply curtailed. I wanted to join the dance team and the cheerleading squad in my senior team, but you guessed it- no way. Dancing is immoral, and cheerleaders are too...exposed. I can live with this, as I know my parents love me with all their hearts. So, until now I have had very little contact with guys, except the one's at church, and like I said, there haven't been too many of them. Now I'm getting to the hard part, and I have to keep going back and correct my spelling as I'm so nervous I keep hitting the wrong keys. Okay. I was at my local Barnes & Noble bookstore two weeks ago, and was looking for a copy of Huckleberry Finn by Twain. I never read it growing up, as Twain was anti-Christian, and strictly forbidden in my parents home. I'm not living with my parents anymore, as I'm fairly self-sufficient. (Often broke, but I'm making it.) I was looking for the book, and a young woman who works there came up to me and asked me if I needed help, and I said yes. She found the book for me, and we got to talking, and I told her why I wanted it, how I never could read it growing up, the why's, etc. We talked for quite a while, actually, and we really clicked. We exchanged numbers, and she asked me out for coffee. This was on a Friday, and we went out to Starbucks the following day. We talked and talked. Or, I should say *I* talked and talked. And talked. She's a great listener, and I found myself pouring out my insides to her. She never judged me. I was able to finally voice my concerns and questions about Christianity with someone who wouldn't tell me I was sinning for lacking faith. Or tell me to just pray. Or talk to the pastor. Or just have more faith. It is just over two weeks since June (that's HER name-lol) and I have met, and we have been hanging out a LOT. Coffee, looking for books, dinner, hiking, to the beach. You name it. I have never felt so happy in my life. There is just one tiny problem. She's gay. I suspected this when we met, as she isn't terribly feminine. Attractive, but in a Tom-boyish kind of way. How do I know for sure? She wanted to have a talk with me yesterday when we were walking around the mall during one of our shopping excursions. She likes to shop, or rather she likes to watch me shop. We sat, and this time she did the talking. She asked me if I knew she was gay, and I said that I had felt that might be the case. She wanted to know why I was still willing to hang out with her, and I tried to skirt around that one, as I don't know if I even had the answer. She is tenacious, and pursued the issue. I told her that she made me happy. I liked being with her. She was fun. She has the most penetrating eyes I have ever seen, and she looked right in mine, and said she had feelings for me, and wanted to take our relationship to a higher level. I was speechless, but my heart was pounding in my chest. I wanted to run, and I wanted to stay. The battle inside was enormous. She must have known what I was going through, and she reached across the table and took my hands, and tried to assure me that there was no pressure. She just wanted me to know how she felt, and that I didn't need to respond if I didn't want to. I finally squeaked that I didn't know WHAT to say. She said that at least I hadn't run away screaming. We both laughed, and she had broken the ice. We talked about her past, and her previous relationships. She's 29, and has had a few girlfriends, and has always known she was a lesbian. I told her about my "relationship" and the fact that I have never been intimate with anyone-ever- and she just smiled all over. She didn't judge me or try to make me feel weird for being a virgin. She was so sweet. We left, and on the way to her car, she took my hand and that's the way we walked to her car while we talked. She took me back to my apartment, and opened the car door for me and everything. I think she wanted to kiss me, but she was the perfect gentlewoman-lol. I don't know how I would have reacted if she had. I have been thinking about her every moment since yesterday, and couldn't sleep much last night. We are having dinner tonight, and I don't know what to do with what is happening. I'm not gay, and have never been gay. I'm a Christian. Please don't rip me apart. My feelings are pretty messed up right now, and could use some serious advice. I have NO ONE to talk to. Please offer some advice one way or the other. Rebecca
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