My insecurities are going to do me in?

[TheTallOne]

I'll attempt to make this as short as possible.

 

 

I haven't been in a relationship with a girl in about 4/5 years. I've dated girls since then... but, nothing exclusive/serious. The last "real" g/f I had, rolled me over the coals mutiple times destroying my self-esteem/emotional stability. I've always had issues with insecurity before her.. (I think mostly due to the fact that I was verbally abused by classmates.. and bullied to no end for years up until 14ish), but it became worse after I was involved with her.

 

1) The affection from her was nil. No "cuddling", no kissing (unless I intiated it), I generally had to call.. and make the plans. I could go for a week or so, and she wouldn't make any effort to get in touch with me. It drove me crazy... I kept looking for validation from her that she liked me, but I rarely got it. It drove me absolutely up the wall. I know.. its my own fault, I shoulda left it. But, I truly liked her.. or so I thought.

 

When we had arrangments to get together.. she would sometimes cancel at the last minute. "something came up.." etc. It came to a point where I was getting small anxiety attacks if the phone rang before we were supposed to meet up.. always wondering if she was going to cancel. She would only say "I love/like you.." when I intiated it.. never on her own. When I called... sometimes she called back.. sometimes she didn't. I'd be near in panic as to what was going on... did she like me? Is she mad at me? Etc.

 

2)Since then, I've been dating girls... but never in a relationship per say. (fear of some type of commiment probably). I met this girl back in 04.. asked her out twice, kept getting "not right now.. I am not interested in dating/guys at this moment". Found out later, that she started dating/seeing someone a few weeks after she told me that.. (another stab in the heart). Past that, I chased her around for months on end.. always getting the "No, not right now... maybe later". She kept giving me mixed signals (atleast thats how I read it) on what she was feeling. She would always contact me, show up at where I worked (unannounced), at school... and would give me little things to show affection. But still, no "dating". Back then.. I thought that if you gave/did stuff with girls, you'd win them over.. well, I was wrong, very wrong. I understand that things tend to be a two way street... I should have broke it off with her, and moved on. The thing that hurt the most, is that we were very compaitable (in terms of our morals/values/other things), and it hurt me completely when she wouldn't give in.. and try to date me, instead of leading me around like she did. It hurt me even more.. when she got into a relationship with someone back last June..and has been in one since then. I did a NC with her, and only broke it last December when we met up for lunch. The result from that meeting didn't bother me at all actually. (surprisingly), but what happend with her before I still lingers on my mind.

 

3) I am currently involved in a almost 2 month relationship with a guineuly (sp) decent girl. She treats me with respect (in most cases..), she is very touchy feely (which missed in my past relationships etc.), she gets back to me when I call and txt... and she hasn't canceled a date/get together yet.

 

Yet.. I keep feeling that she doesn't like me (roots from my insecurity that I cannot be loved). I feel that she is out to use me.. (either for attention..money...or just a boy toy). She buys me lunch (and I buy her lunch also), she helps me out when I need it.. and I return in kind. She has a high sex drive (we haven't had sex.. as she is nervous because of prior relationships herself... she has told me this though/I have observed it). She calls me a good amount.. and txts me. Everything missing from past relationships I am getting now... whenever a date ends for us (ends with a good kiss and a hug), I always leave wondering if she enjoyed herself/did I screw anything up.. I have these mini-anxiety attacks sometimes and over-think everything that went right/wrong to find faults in it to prepare me for a break up.

 

Am I into her? Yes.. I am, a good deal amount. I just worried;

 

1) She'll get bored of me... as much as I like to have a good time, I tend to like to have down to earth conversations.. ie; the "serious" side of me.

 

2) She won't like the real me, kind of goes with the above statement.

 

3) She'll find someone else, and toy me around until she falls for the other guy.. leaving me hanging.

 

 

I know.. I am my own worst enemy when it comes to this stuff. I keep looking for signs (as my friend puts it) to break up... because I am trying everything in the world to avoid heart break.

 

I think I am crazy.

[MadDog]

Your current girlfriend is not your ex. If you can get that into your head, you'll be okay. By the way, it's a good thing to have fear. Read my signature.

[TheTallOne]

Your current girlfriend is not your ex. If you can get that into your head, you'll be okay. By the way, it's a good thing to have fear. Read my signature.

 

I know she isn't my EX....

 

Easier said then done though. Any tricks/tips you can give that can force my brain into that mode?

[MadDog]

I know she isn't my EX....

 

Easier said then done though. Any tricks/tips you can give that can force my brain into that mode?

 

If those fears start to surface, think about how lame your ex was and remind yourself your fears come from her bitch ass. Then contrast her with how cool & differently your girlfriend treats you. The difference will be obvious.

[hyakku]

Your current girlfriend is not your ex. If you can get that into your head, you'll be okay. By the way, it's a good thing to have fear. Read my signature.

 

I'm going to disagree there.

 

Think for a sec, what's there to be afraid of. Its just genetically engineered into since when we were living in caveman days when these feelings were key to survival.

 

Now you need to learn how to live with them (eliminating them entirely is probably impossible), and ENJOY them.

 

Second, you need a massive dose of self confidence. Really. You should really get some self help books or something, Double Your Dating really springs to mind here, as what it seems is you need new set of beliefs and paradigms in order to have the success you want. In other words, you need to work on inner game, beliefs, confidence, mindsets, etc. Let me ask you, out of the following how many of these do you believe in or follow:

 

I'm a catch for women.

 

Any time a woman spends with me she is getting a great deal, probably the better end of the deal, at the least, she is entertaining me as much as she is enjoying my company.

 

I don't need one woman, or sex. There are billions of women out there, and I can relieve myself if it really gets THAT bad.

 

Second class behavior is unacceptable.

 

AT the first sign of bulls***, disrespect of time or property, or anything that offends me, I telegraph that and take appropriate action against it. If she is caught in a mundane lie or something equally stupid, I generally end the relationship.

 

I'm a cause in this world, not an effect.

 

This is my reality that I live in. Everyone else is guests in my reality.

 

I concern myself with things I can influence, and accept the things that I cannot influence at my current level.

 

There is NEVER a downside to ANYTHING in life. There is no failure, only lessons. (Don't tell me that this is not true, because I have taken almost every negative thing that has happened and used it to my benefit, and did not let it have detrimental effects on me).

 

I put MYSELF and my life FIRST.

 

I'm indifferent to the outcome.

 

 

 

These are what you need to internalize and believe, because they are true and need to be true in order for you to have the success with not just women, but with everything in life. Those are just a few I go by.

[TheTallOne]

If those fears start to surface, think about how lame your ex was and remind yourself your fears come from her bitch ass. Then contrast her with how cool & differently your girlfriend treats you. The difference will be obvious.

 

That makes sense.

 

I know I am trying to look for a rational idea/thing in a irrational subject (relationships/love).

 

What about my other worries? (1-3)... ? Any ideas on them?

[hyakku]

That makes sense.

 

I know I am trying to look for a rational idea/thing in a irrational subject (relationships/love).

 

What about my other worries? (1-3)... ? Any ideas on them?

 

As far as 1-3.

 

1. Its going to become a self fulfilling prophecy. Are you as awesome as me right now? I doubt it (, no one is as awesome as me ), but you should strive to be as close to me as possible. IN all seriousness, if you are "boring" or just have an "unattractive" personality, GET OUT THERE AND DO SOMETHING. Instead of talking, go have FUN. You're worried too much about if the girl likes you (All women like me. all. Some of them just aren't aware of it yet), and you aren't focused on FUN. You need to become interesting, go bungee jump or sky dive, or rock climb or go take a hike alone or with some freinds in the woods. SPICE UP YOUR LIFE. IF a woman says you're boring, chances are...YOU ARE. But you know what? (And here's another one of my beliefs), Life isn't fair, and thats GREAT news. Learned this a while back. You might go, well wait that makes no sense. It makes perfect sense. If life was fair there would be no success, everyone would be given their role, and there would be no need to achieve, because it would get you NO WHERE. Striving would get you NO WHERE. Because everyone would always be equal. This is why it makes me so happy that life isn't fair. Because it can ALWAYS GET BETTER.

 

2. Unless the real you is a boring wuss, she WILL. There is a time for serious discussions, and a time for fun and activities and just enjoying each otehrs company. You can let the serious side out, women love that, just make sure to have the light hearted care free side out to. Believe me, look at it this way, its like if you shower a woman with gifts (Which is never a good idea, especially at the beginning of a realtionship), she will become desynthesized (I need to learn how to spell that word) to it because she will become used to it. Then you know what happens? WHen you want to show her you REALLY love her or REALLY appreciate her, guess what? It goes unnoticed because she's used to it. Now you may look at guys that don't go out and buy a woman everything she wanted as a**h***s, but when I surprise her on a random day of the month to ler her know I was thinking about her or caring about her, it has a MUCH huger impact than any average wusses 10 flowers a day will do. So treat your personality in the same way and use balance for each different type. The light hearted, serious, the excited, etc. Keep them out at different times, that way it keeps her on her toes and excited to see what's coming next. You want her to wonder what you are thinking about and what you may say next, it keeps the tension going (which is a good thing).

 

3. The only reason she'll find someone else if is I happen to meet her on the street (ZING!!!! ). Really, stop worrying about what she might do. If your as great as you could be, she won't WANT to leave you for anyone else. Take a look at some of the cheating/jealousy posts. Most of the cheating arising from one partner being lazy, or boring or just inattentive. When a person can associate you with fun, they want to be with you all the time. When they associate you with boredom, depression, and the mundane, they tend to want to leave you.

[littlepiggy1]

Nah, you're not crazy TheTallOne. You've just got insecurities from bad experiences. It happens to all of us. Like you, I was bullied in school, didn't get hardly any action with the ladies, and had a mess of stuff to get over as I grew up (including an abusive household). Not fun s*** to deal with, I can tell you.

 

The first step, imho, to building self-confidence is to be honest with yourself. That is key. Try to recognize who you really are inside. You say you have a serious side and like to have down-to-earth conversations. Then that's who you are. Don't let other people tell you that you have to fit a certain "mold" or act a certain way. If you're not the rock-climbing, sky-diving, outdoorsy-type, then that's who you are. If you'd rather be home with a good book than out at a dance club then that's who you are. Don't fake who you are. Be true to yourself first and foremost. Say to yourself, "this is who I am, this is what I like and this is what I want".

 

IMHO, not being boring is not a matter of being into rock climbing or other extreme sports. It's a matter of simply being open to new experience. I'm sure there's some girl out there who is wishing her b/f would be up for a deep conversation, but he can't because he's too busy whitewater rafting. Being boring is simply being too into one single thing (or nothing at all). Everyone is different. Being able to experience someone else's interests is what will make you not boring.

 

As far as insecurities go, that's the killer. If you find yourself telling yourself that you aren't good enough, then you won't be. Insecurity is an unsexy trait, unfortunately. And while it's something you can't just turn off, you can try to at least indentify it. The next time you find yourself imaging all sorts of scenarios, fears, etc, put a label on it. Say, "I feel this way because of previous bad experiences. My current g/f is not one of the people that screwed me over and she seems to be genuinelly interested in me." And she does, dude. From what you've written, it sounds like this new g/f digs you and is a keeper. So try to embrace that by seperating the fears and doubts in your mind. You could even try writing it down. Sometimes externalizing fears and doubts helps us recognize that they are a bigger deal in our minds than anything.

 

Remember, though. It all starts with being honest with yourself. That's the first step.

[littlepiggy1]

One more thing... Avoid projection at all costs. I know this may sound easier said than done, but you do NOT want to start projecting your fears and insecurities onto your g/f. I know because I was on the receiving end of that. I had a g/f who rather than simply telling me, "i'm insecure about myself", tried to tell me what I wanted (and that I didn't want her). It was an incredibly frustrating thing to deal with, so don't put your g/f through that. Recognize that your insecurities and fears are your insecurities and fears.

[hyakku]

He doesn't have to LITERALLY go do the activities I posted, but go get more interesting if he's not interesting now (lol I have to write EVERYTHING out on these forums.

 

He did raise a good point about "being yourself". Let me tell you something now. If you are not satisfied with yourself, or you feel you are boring or if you have ZERO friends because you are boring, then you need to make a difference, or shut up and be an effect in the world, not a cause. I'm not saying thetall one is any of those, I'm just saying in general, you need to be interesting.

 

Do many INTERESTING things. Saying, "I like to watch T.V., go on the Computer, read a book and order chinese", isn't going to make a woman strip naked for you on the spot, believe me (If it does please send her my way I've got a very nice book collection she'd be interested in). I'm not saying STOP doing this. Hell I am a HUGE nerd, people just don't think it. And I actually tell them. If they don't like it, they can go f*** themselves. You know what happens? They all like me MORE. Because not only am I cool (I know I'm seeming arrogant but believe me I don't mean to boast), but I have MY identity. In my school I have to be one of the only black guys who taught himself Japanese. There's something about me right there. I know its nerdy, most people would agree, but its a COOL nerdy trait (seems oximoronic right). You wouldn't believe how many people beg me to say one phrase in Japanese. Right there's an example, I'm being myself, but myself is COOl. If yourself isn't COOL. MAKE it cool, with cool things YOU like to do. I didn't mean to tell you to go hiking (I'm kind of a pansy when it comes to not being able to shower and s***, I hate smelling bad lol), but I mean maybe you would like to go bungee jumping or sky diving or cliff diving. Find ANYTHING that's interesting or maybe taboo and become GOOD with it. I'm GOOD with electronics, people come to me for help plus I'm just a fun guy. I'm getting better with women every time I interact with a woman because I learn from every experience. That's how you have to take it, its just more learning experience, whether you get rejected or not. You know why? Rejection is a GOOD thing. Bad for her since she lost such a great catch, but WE get to learn how we can IMPROVE to be even BETTER for the next thousand women we are going to meet. And then they can have a GREAT time being with us because we know how to have FUN. See what happens? When you focus on making yourself more fun, women will find you more fun, you will gain much more interactive and great friends, and you're life will all around be much better, and people who interact with you will want to be like you because you're such a great guy. Its a great vicious cycle.

 

So I mean here's a few interesting things:

 

If you like international affairs or something, learn a language. And no offense to any spanish speakers or anything, but learn something exotic or at least out of the norm. Saying you can speak spanish is not as impressive as saying you can speak Japanese or Swahili or even French (even though its spoken world wide as the most spoken language. P.S. If you are not in the US, do not learn french either, most other nations won't be as impressed as something more exotic).

 

If you are an outdoorsy type: Rock climbing, cliff diving, horseback riding, sky diving, camping, fishing, bird watching, etc.

 

If you are a thrill seeker see above and add: Rollercoasters/amusement parks, interactive thrill rides (Haunted houses or other quirky things, etc).

 

If you are the spiritual type: Learn about meditation and relieving the body of stress, pressure points (I know its not exactly spiritual), etc.

 

If you are a book type: Go out to maybe book clubs or barnes and nobles and approach women that seem to be interested in the same thing as you. Read interesting novels. Hell read ROMANCE novels just to enrich your vocabulary when speaking with women. Also, not to offend anyone because I love books, but try to do SOMETHING else as well. Reading a book all the time WILL drop you points with women ALONE, but when you combine interesting knowledge gained from books, with other interesting things (even if its just you like to study birds or something), its dynamite.

 

If you like to masturbate on the net to porn: I can't find a way to make yourself more interesting in this manner. Anyone who knows how to make yourself more attractive and interesting in general (not just to women) through masturbation please send me a detailed manual.

 

If you like to be a macho man (Nothing wrong with it) and into cars and lifting and all: Find a way to either:

 

A. Meet women who are into what you like.

or

B. Make sure you have some personality traits that display you. Just because you can bench 300LBS does not mean your personality also gets as buff as your chest, you need to have an interesting personality to really have success.

 

If i left out anything (which I'm sure I did) just add on.

 

See what happens here? I can take even the most mundane things, and either make them interesting by doing something new and unique, or combine them with other traits and get a great combination.

 

There is nothing stopping you from becoming great but yourself.

[MadDog]

 

Saying you can speak spanish is not as impressive as saying you can speak Japanese or Swahili or even French (even though its spoken world wide as the most spoken language.

 

 

I thought the most spoken language was Chinese (considering China has well over a billion people.)

[Vertex]

Japanese and Chinese are wonderful languages. You should learn them if you can -- they're so much fun.

 

Anyways back on topic, I had a lot of insecurity issues as well with my last relationship. You can't bring up problems if they don't exist or they WILL create problems. Try to realize that if things are going well, let the good things happen. Don't question it or insist that she feels a certain way, etc, when you have no way to tell! Especially if things are moving along smoothly. Only bring such issues up if you find that she starts treating you differently in the sense of withdrawing or becoming distant or withholding affections, etc. Realize how much of an ass your ex was and that you are very lucky now to have someone that is more in tune with you, and just have fun and let good things happen.

[johan]

For many people who post about things like this, I have advice on things you can do to get over it on your own. Mostly it's along the lines of cognitive exercises that have helped me, but probably only really work for me in the state of mind at the time I was in at the time I did them.

 

For you, TallOne, I really think getting help from a professional is going to do the most good. The reason I say this is because you've already rationalized it just fine. You know what your problem is. You are articulate when you describe it, you have a good idea of where/when it originated, you know what kind of problems it could cause. You need help going deeper and changing very ingrained thought patterns.

 

This forum is nearly useless for things like that. There are a some smart people here, but I can't think of any who are qualified to walk you through this. Mostly what you'll get here is a few paragraphs of unfocused commiseration and some brief "keep your chin up" messages.

[hyakku]

For many people who post about things like this, I have advice on things you can do to get over it on your own. Mostly it's along the lines of cognitive exercises that have helped me, but probably only really work for me in the state of mind at the time I was in at the time I did them.

 

For you, TallOne, I really think getting help from a professional is going to do the most good. The reason I say this is because you've already rationalized it just fine. You know what your problem is. You are articulate when you describe it, you have a good idea of where/when it originated, you know what kind of problems it could cause. You need help going deeper and changing very ingrained thought patterns.

 

This forum is nearly useless for things like that. There are a some smart people here, but I can't think of any who are qualified to walk you through this. Mostly what you'll get here is a few paragraphs of unfocused commiseration and some brief "keep your chin up" messages.

 

He won't be getting anything like that. What he WILL be getting is some serious help as long as he is not babied.

 

The point is man, you need to change. For yourself. Do you know why? You are insecure because you have no identity. You need to craft your own identity, spice it up and have fun. You are an adult. I am a high school adoloscent. I know what my path is. You don't. You need to change this. I admit I am a bit unique to be in high school, but when someone who is somewhere around 10 years younger than you can give you advice like this, you should know that there is more of it.

 

First off, you don't need "professional" help per se. Professionals will get you on some meds or won't do much for you. You need a makeover. A personality makeover. You need to change to become awesome. It's not gonna take away who you are, its going to enrich it. You need to meet guys who are actually successful with women (not the ones that get by on looks or cash, those guys aren't the ones you want. You want ones that attract women). If you cannot do this then you need to head over to:

 

fastseduction.com

 

and start from the beginning. I don't care if you don't use the techniques or anything, but you need to get the beliefs of a confident man down. You will find, that all your insecurities are completely unfounded or natural. Thats what that sites for, sure you can get tips on different techinques, but the beliefs are what you need.

 

You need to work on your inner game, not just with dating, but with life in general.

 

I recommend:

 

David DeAngelo: Double your dating/ attraction isn't a choice. And for you, ESPECIALLY his mastery series, you need the mindsets, you don't need techinques.

 

Anthony Robbins: Unlimited power.

Stephen Covey: The seven habits of highly effective people (keep in mind I'm not done with this one yet).

 

David D especially. I know you are looking for a quick fix. There is none. Stop looking for it. Now. Instead, work on your innergame. Make a f***ing commitment, that you are going to DO WHAT IT TAKES in order to achieve the success with women and in life that you want. If that means you want to get f***ing jacked, hit up the gym as much as you need. If you want to be the world's smartest man, get going to the library. The thing is, FIND YOUR PATH IN LIFE AND STICK WITH IT.

 

For example, my path or purpose in life: To become a superior, self-fulfilled man.

 

Superior in the way Confucius would describe, or in his words, a "gentleman".

When I am finished, all my rough edges are going to be smoothed out, and I am going to reach the ultimate apex of life. And then you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to set more goals and achieve them. You know how I know I'm going to achieve them? Because I said so. The only limitations are the ones you set. I would rather die lying saying that I WILL accomplish my goals, rather than being an insecure guy who gets stepped on and walks through life CONFUSED because he doesn't know what he wants out of life and how to get it. YOU don't want to be that mean either, get CHANGING.

 

IF you can improve visually, do it. Get a haircut, get some new clothes, keep yourself in top shape, or at least in GOOD shape. You don't have to be f***ing brad pitt or tyrese but you need to take care of yourself.

 

Start hanging out in venues where women you are attracted to hang out.

 

Drop any friends that are negative, in fact, if you must drop your entire social circle and get a new reference group that is positive, successful, and are at or are working to the level of success (whether it be with women or with anything) that you want to be at. Do it now. I don't care if you have to delete every ONE of your negative friends numbers, DO IT.

 

Make friends with attractive women that have the qualities you look for in your partners. NOTE THAT THEY WILL STAY FRIENDS. It means that you may have to listen to her whine about other guys, or get late calls, etc, but you are her friend, don't EVER try to change it. If you can't be friends with women, don't expect to be a successful MAN in the dating world.

 

Get out there and meet men who are truly successful. Become their friend, introduce them to hot friends, see how they work (please do not follow behind them and act as their bitch).

 

Read fastseduction.com. The FAQ and go to the beliefs. You do NOT have to go out and become a PUA or anything, you don't even have to follow all their techniques, or whatever, you just NEED to get the beliefs, confidence, and innergame down first.

 

Get started.