How do I save me from myself?

[brightskies]

Have been sucking it up and trying to deal with this situation privately and through the forum. I haven’t even told my friends. But current bf noticed that I’d been different lately. It’s come out in avoiding him ---- I declined a weekend visit, Easter dinner, at least 3 upcoming dates, and a movie premier. I was also being more questioning and less confident with our relationship in our conversations. Tuesday morning I called him at work with the intent to simply get it out in the open, but I choked and thought I shouldn’t ruin his day and didn’t say anything about it. That evening, he said that he noticed something’s been bothering me, and maybe I should tell him. After some hemming and hawing I finally laid it all out: that the ex was in touch, that he was planning to visit, that he wanted to try again, that I’m very happy with current bf and feel terrible about wavering about our relationship, and feel disloyal for feeling regret for the past/re-considering the ex.

 

To his eternal credit current bf didn’t lose his head. Instead he listened and said that he understands, especially since we’ve been together only a few months. When I asked, he explained what he would do if he were in my shoes: not go back, not re-visit the past. Then he qualified the statement by saying that he wouldn’t order me to do anything, that I would have to decide for myself. He said that he doesn't want to lose me: he’s been very happy with me the last few months and hopes that come June I’ll still be with him. He said that he would be unhappy if I decided to leave him, but he couldn’t force me to stay. That doing so would only cause problems down the road and I would probably end up leaving him anyway or cheating. He said of utmost importance was being true to myself even if it meant leaving him. He was very clear, and I agreed, that infidelity or keeping both men is completely unacceptable.

 

I was afraid of how he would react when he found out. But from the beginning, he insisted on openness and honesty. And as some posters wrote, my doubt and contact with the ex is unfair to current bf. Seeing that it's a threat to him, however small, I felt that he deserved to know what was going on, even if it meant that he would choose to leave. He said that since the situation was distressing me so much, he was glad that I told him, because he could help me through this. He was happy that I felt close enough to trust him with this information even though it was tough to admit. His confidence in our relationship is reassuring. The man is made of different stuff. He never fails to pleasantly surprise me. I'm starting to see this as an opportunity for genuine closure, but it might take a bit of time.

[brightskies]

I think it's normal to feel some guilt for hurting someone. But you have to remember, he's looking for an ego boost. If he really truly wanted what is best for you, then he wouldn't ask if you loved him. He would ask what you wanted, what you needed, and give those things to you. He's not in love with you. He's in love with himself and what he wants from you. He wants you to be in love with him so that he can have you. If he loved you, he would want what is best for you. And currently that is the man you are seeing. Otherwise, you wouldn't have chosen this guy. Loving someone means you do everything in your power to make sure they have what they need in life. Some of what you need is stability, mentally and emotionally, and support. He's not giving you that. He's making this more tumultuous, more uncertain, and playing on your residual feelings to gain something he desires. Which is probably nothing more then the hunt, and once he has his "prize" he'll be off for something new.

 

Hi Walk,

I think we were posting at the same time earlier; thanks for writing. I've been trying to figure out the ex's motivations from different angles. But I can't get inside his head. To be fair to the ex, he just offered “make things easy,” to leave me be, seeing how his reappearance is turning things upside down. I’ve read some of the threads here about people being so used to bad relationships that they don’t know what to do when they find a good one. Maybe there’s a little of that. And maybe some part of me is trying to sabotage what I have now. So twisted; like I can’t let myself enjoy what I have for some reason.

 

People change, I know this ... but let his actions prove the change. He's not showing he wants what's best for you. His actions are saying he wants you and he'll sabatoge your relationship in order to get you back. Doesn't sound to me like he's changed much. Don't make this complicated. Look at the actions, and not the words. Is he doing what he can to make your life easier, happier, and more comfortable? I don't see that. I loved my exH, even after we split. It was in his best interest that I showed that I supported him in whomever he dated after us. Because I love him, I want him to be happy. I stay out of the picture, and if I bump into him I encourage his relationship with the new girl. That is how someone who cares for you acts. Not this selfish, self-serving act he's attempting to con you with.

 

Yes, his actions --- this is what I’m wrestling with. He’s really far away, so I can’t see what he’s actually doing; so I have to go by what he says. He keeps trying to prove himself, saying how this and that are different. But there’s something in me that’s resistant to believing him. I still see a lot of his old habits. I’m happy for him and how far he’s gotten. But something tells me that he’s also trying to appease me by telling me what I wanted to hear so many times before.

 

Don't tell you current bf what's going on. And don't let your ex manipulate you anymore. Take control back and try to see the actions as they are.

 

Why do you recommend that I don't tell current bf? Although it's too late, he knows now. He could tell I was stressing about this and I couldn't lie to him. I don't know if it was a bad decision, but it felt like the right thing to do.

[brightskies]

I will be responding to your letters a little later tonite. Off to work shortly but PLEASE do NOT tell your boyfriend! Use this posting site as your confessional.....to tell us will be therapudic. To tell your boyfriend will be disasterous! Don't do it!

 

I know it's a moot point now that he knows. Although I'd still like to hear your reason for not telling him. Thanks!

[Walk]

He said of utmost importance was being true to myself even if it meant leaving him.

Wow. This is what I would classify as someone who really cares/loves you. The statement of support, while still clarifing his feelings for you. Allowing you to make your own decision without attempting to influence, yet still letting you know how he feels.

 

I didn't get that vibe from what your posts about your ex. It sounded more forced. Like asking if you still loved him. Whereas your current was more concerned with how you felt about the situation, and what you were going through, then how it would affect him.

 

I suggested not telling your bf because sometimes I think it's easier to deal with a problem without creating additional conflict. Attack one area at a time. Easier to deal with when there are less people in the mix. That was basically my thinking. That and I know it would hurt me if my bf told me he was thinking of, even entertaining the thought, of going back to his exgf. I would like to believe I'd be as supportive and loving as your bf, but honestly I'd probably become an emotional wreck and I'd just create more problems.

 

Glad you didn't take my advice. Sounds as if you did what was best for your situation. Good call.

[Walk]

My other thought on your situation...

 

Your ex might be a great guy and has really changed for the better.. But I know from experience, bad habits are really easy to fall back into. It takes so much more work to overcome ingrained habits of interacting with someone. And both people have to work twice as hard at it, have a huge amount of trust in their partner, and be open to criticism and change. If there isn't trust, then the second they slip the other partner will doubt whether the desire for change was honest, or a trick.

 

And although your ex might really be a better, more stable person now then he was during your relationship, it could potentially be wiped out if either of you slipped into the negative habits of your past. One action can be the catalyst for a negative cycle to accure. One partner causes ill feeling in the other... which prompts a negative reaction, which in turn causes another..

 

Not sure if that was clear. I know I'm having a heck of a time breaking a negative cycle in my communication with my bf. It's twice as hard to change something as it would be to start fresh with it in place. And I slip, get lax, and fall back into the habit, most times without ever being aware of it. But we also have a strong level of trust and desire to work on these problems together. (2 yrs of actions that instilled that trust)

 

That's my thoughts on why you should not attempt to "fix" the relationship of your past.

[Mary3]

I know it's a moot point now that he knows. Although I'd still like to hear your reason for not telling him. Thanks!

 

My thought was that you would hurt him by telling but you were honest and it turned out with good results.

 

He sounds like a great guy !

 

I think the ex has to stay out of the picture and reassuring your new bf will be paramount.

[aleatoryd]

Hey brightskies

 

I think that your boyfriend sounds like a wonderful guy and should a situation ever arise in a future relationship of my own with a girlfriend I'd hope to be able to respond with the dignity, respect, understanding and most of all care that he has shown. He sounds like a genuinely great guy who puts you first and wants the best for you even if it means he ends up losing out.

 

IMHO I wouldn't trade a guy like that (if I was female LOL!) for your ex--bf who was the past. Sure theres old feelings but he knew a different you and you knew a different him. what you have is the past. No point goingback there and if things fell appart then what's to say one day they won't do so again.

 

I strongly encourage you to do what I believe you know to be the right thing and stick by your current boyfriend through thick and thin. He seems like quite a guy and an encouragement to us all. I'm glad people on this forum have helped you and look forward to seeing you around. All the best and take care!

[Alexandra]

If I may be frank and I know you don't expect that from a shrink after having been in therapy.

 

You asked why you do it, why you feel inclined to "fix" the past. I believe it has very little to do with him (the ex) as a person or even you two as a couple. It sounds like it's a very personal need you have to see if you're a better version of yourself as you believe you are. You seem to place a large amount of guilt for the end of the relationship on your own shoulders or rather, on how you were then. With everything you've done to get yourself more in shape emotionally you may be thinking your relationship would be peachy in your new capacity.

 

It's more of a test of yourself. You just need to test this new you that you've built. You strike me as a very intelligent woman, is there a way you can achieve the same effects without this re-run of the relationship? Any way at all? If so, maybe you could take that road instead.

 

Although to be honest again, I think you made up your mind. The fact that you've told your current bf, the fact that you've given him signs before you told him, even how you by-passed so much nay-saying on here, it all seems to point out you are dead set to do the self test with the ex.

 

You evidently still have time to change your mind -although I am not 100% sure your current relationship would be undamaged and I think on some level you knew that when you told him- but the real challange here is to find ways in which to validate yourself that are not through either of them.

 

I'm not saying you should take one of the options you mentioned initially and be single necessarily, I'm simply saying that you need to focus less on the two of them, or even on the two relationships and more on yourself. Because if I'd have to bet I'd say neither of them is in your distant future (over simplifying one of them is a potential disfunctional relationship, the other is someone whom you'd have to learn to love and it seems you're too passionate for that) but you can discover a lot about yourself and get far more prepared for the third, hopefully The One if you play your cards right now.

[brightskies]

Wow. This is what I would classify as someone who really cares/loves you. The statement of support, while still clarifing his feelings for you. Allowing you to make your own decision without attempting to influence, yet still letting you know how he feels.

 

I do feel very lucky, he's been loving and supportive through all this. I sometimes scratch my head and wonder what good thing I did in a past life to have him in this one? He's very mature and balanced --- I have a lot of catching up to do!

 

I suggested not telling your bf because sometimes I think it's easier to deal with a problem without creating additional conflict. Attack one area at a time. Easier to deal with when there are less people in the mix. That was basically my thinking. That and I know it would hurt me if my bf told me he was thinking of, even entertaining the thought, of going back to his exgf. I would like to believe I'd be as supportive and loving as your bf, but honestly I'd probably become an emotional wreck and I'd just create more problems.

 

This is what I was thinking, too. I figured, why stress him out if I can sort it out by myself? Although current bf isn't one to hold back and he's a big believer in open discussion. Let me tell you, I was scared to death that he'd freak out --- and I know that it hurts and bothers him, because who enjoys having their relationship threatened? But now I'm glad that he asked and I told him. I feel like this is a small problem that we're facing together. That it's making us closer somehow.

[brightskies]

My thought was that you would hurt him by telling but you were honest and it turned out with good results.

 

He sounds like a great guy !

 

I think the ex has to stay out of the picture and reassuring your new bf will be paramount.

 

Thank you, he IS a sweetheart.

[brightskies]

Hey brightskies

I think that your boyfriend sounds like a wonderful guy and should a situation ever arise in a future relationship of my own with a girlfriend I'd hope to be able to respond with the dignity, respect, understanding and most of all care that he has shown. He sounds like a genuinely great guy who puts you first and wants the best for you even if it means he ends up losing out.

 

IMHO I wouldn't trade a guy like that (if I was female LOL!) for your ex--bf who was the past. Sure there's old feelings but he knew a different you and you knew a different him. what you have is the past. No point going back there and if things fell appart then what's to say one day they won't do so again.

 

I strongly encourage you to do what I believe you know to be the right thing and stick by your current boyfriend through thick and thin. He seems like quite a guy and an encouragement to us all. I'm glad people on this forum have helped you and look forward to seeing you around. All the best and take care!

 

Thanks so much! This has been a stressful week but I think it'll be winding up soon. It's a new relationship but I'm encouraged by how we've handled things so far. I agree, he's been a huge inspiration to me, too. If I had half his confidence and inner strength this thread wouldn't even exist, but I'll find my way eventually. I'm a late bloomer.

 

I'm sure we'll be posting on each other's threads now and again. I've read some of your other posts and I really don't think that you'll be single for long.

[brightskies]

If I may be frank and I know you don't expect that from a shrink after having been in therapy.

Hi Alexandra,

Wow, I would've given my left arm for my shrink to "just tell me" things straight out. But as you know, that's not how therapy works. Thank goodness for LS.

 

You asked why you do it, why you feel inclined to "fix" the past. I believe it has very little to do with him (the ex) as a person or even you two as a couple. It sounds like it's a very personal need you have to see if you're a better version of yourself as you believe you are. You seem to place a large amount of guilt for the end of the relationship on your own shoulders or rather, on how you were then. With everything you've done to get yourself more in shape emotionally you may be thinking your relationship would be peachy in your new capacity.

A-ha! Thank you for your insight; this brings it all together! Not knowing "why" I had this compulsion to go backwards and obsess about "what I could've done" was partly why I was going so crazy. Maybe there's no sound logic in going back ... and yet, I'm still having trouble letting the idea go. Stupid emotions. Argh!!!

 

My brain tells me that I should let go, everyone close to me tells me I should, even LS tells me I should. Maybe the "universe" is trying to make a point. But my heart's being a stubborn pain and hasn't caught up to my brain yet. You're right. I do feel a lot of guilt and responsibility for the failure of the relationship. Maybe it's just the idea that's appealing --- the idea that I can prove I'm a "better" person and can actually make things work with him. But if I were to actually make it happen, "It might not," as Mary said, "be all that and a bag of chips."

 

It's more of a test of yourself. You just need to test this new you that you've built. You strike me as a very intelligent woman, is there a way you can achieve the same effects without this re-run of the relationship? Any way at all? If so, maybe you could take that road instead.

Test of myself: this is probably true. I've said it here, and even to my current bf and ex, that I consider this wrinkle a "test." It's just a funny coincidence that the ex crops up now, when current bf and I are just starting to be more involved and things are going so well. Then suddenly, "bam!", things are all askew. I'm still sitting on it, but the re-run is probably not going to happen. And I'm intrigued by this suggestion that there are other ways to "test the new me." Not sure what they are right now, though.

 

Although to be honest again, I think you made up your mind. The fact that you've told your current bf, the fact that you've given him signs before you told him, even how you by-passed so much nay-saying on here, it all seems to point out you are dead set to do the self test with the ex.

Hmm. I haven't bypassed the input I've gotten; I've actually been processing it and letting it sink in. Or, maybe you can call it procrastinating. Although you're right, I've made up my mind, BUT am being slow to implement it. I've asked both my bf and ex to let me have some time to think. The self-test with the ex is deadly tempting ... but I know what I need to do. I've already written him a letter. I just need the courage to send it.

 

You evidently still have time to change your mind -although I am not 100% sure your current relationship would be undamaged and I think on some level you knew that when you told him- but the real challange here is to find ways in which to validate yourself that are not through either of them.

My current relationship is being slightly threatened, yes. But the current bf is holding steadfast and the problem is clearly on my end. It's my insecurity and doubt that's rocking the boat. The ex might be the catalyst, but I think no matter what, something else would've come up later on, and it would've been me, not current bf, who would be questioning things.

 

This self-validation is a good point. I've only recently learned about this in the therapy sessions. Weird, right? You'd think it would be common sense. My therapist kept repeating "Take care of yourself," which is good advice, I suppose. But I think I need more concrete examples.

 

I'm not saying you should take one of the options you mentioned initially and be single necessarily, I'm simply saying that you need to focus less on the two of them, or even on the two relationships and more on yourself.

This is excellent advice. I don't know why so many people, myself included, can't seem to actually internalize this? I'm trying to be less emotionally dependent on the bf/relationship, vs. the way I was before. But it doesn't come naturally and I often worry that I'll slip back into "clingy/needy" mode. I guess like everything, independence and involvement with someone takes some balance.

 

Because if I'd have to bet I'd say neither of them is in your distant future (over simplifying: one of them is a potential disfunctional relationship, the other is someone whom you'd have to learn to love and it seems you're too passionate for that) but you can discover a lot about yourself and get far more prepared for the third, hopefully The One, if you play your cards right now.

Oh dear. I do hope that isn't true. Because for one thing, I do care very much about current bf. And for another, I don't know if I could handle having to sort through the dating pool all over again. He talks about "moving in" one day or even getting married. It makes me very happy that he thinks of the "long-term." But I'm not ready for that, yet. Who knows, I may end up married with children. Or a bald-headed nun hidden away in a convent. Hard to say. I'm just taking it one day at a time right now.

 

So, you believe in "The One," too? Cool. Being the silly idealist that I am, I've been ridiculed for believing in The One. Or, maybe there are several "Ones." I hope to find at least one of them. Your advice to prepare really resonates with me right now. Isn't it strange how we're schooled to the gills for our university majors, etc., but we aren't really taught about handling relationships, considering how important they are in life? Maybe there should be a "Dating & Relationships 101" class.

 

I agree that going back to the ex is potentially dysfunctional. Especially since the break up was just a year-plus ago. Although with current bf, I may need to "learn to love him," not because he's faulty, but because I have baggage from before and I need to learn how a non-dysfunctional relationship works. If anything, this man has made it so easy(!) for me to fall for him. There's definitely passion there, if I allow myself to "let go," as he keeps encouraging me.

 

Alexandra, thanks so much for all your comments, you've put a new perspective on things and given me more food for thought --- as if I didn't already have enough to chew on!

[brightskies]

Just wanted to say that everyone here has been incredibly helpful --- AleatoryD, Alexandra, Curmudgeon, MadDog, Mary3, Walk, and anyone who took the time to read the long posts. Thank you for your thoughts and support.

[brightskies]

My other thought on your situation...

 

Your ex might be a great guy and has really changed for the better.. But I know from experience, bad habits are really easy to fall back into. It takes so much more work to overcome ingrained habits of interacting with someone. And both people have to work twice as hard at it, have a huge amount of trust in their partner, and be open to criticism and change. If there isn't trust, then the second they slip the other partner will doubt whether the desire for change was honest, or a trick.

Falling back into bad habits. Ugh. Tell me about it. I remember how the ex and I kept breaking up and making up all those times. In the end, the trust was pretty much non-existent. I think the ex genuinely wants to change and is changing for the better. He's a good man at heart. Unfortunately, our desire and timing didn't match up. He's about 2 years too late.

 

And although your ex might really be a better, more stable person now then he was during your relationship, it could potentially be wiped out if either of you slipped into the negative habits of your past. One action can be the catalyst for a negative cycle to accure. One partner causes ill feeling in the other... which prompts a negative reaction, which in turn causes another..

 

Not sure if that was clear. I know I'm having a heck of a time breaking a negative cycle in my communication with my bf. It's twice as hard to change something as it would be to start fresh with it in place. And I slip, get lax, and fall back into the habit, most times without ever being aware of it. But we also have a strong level of trust and desire to work on these problems together. (2 yrs of actions that instilled that trust)

 

That's my thoughts on why you should not attempt to "fix" the relationship of your past.

Kudos to you for working on things with your bf without the constant make-up/break-up cycle. Breaking up again and again does, in itself, erode trust. It's so easy to forget and become complacent. And it's so easy to go into a downward spiral of anger and mistrust if the foundation isn't stable. I hope that you don't have to go through what I went through.

 

Anyway, just wanted update: I finally did it. I sent the letter to the ex and I'm not going back. I said that maybe someday, when we're both single and more mature, maybe. Now isn't the time. *Sigh.* It's bittersweet. But it feels right.

 

You know, I can't thank you all enough for helping me out; I would've screwed up royally without your input. Thanks so much for everything.