brightskies Posted April 16, 2006 Posted April 16, 2006 Sorry if this is all so convoluted and long –-- I’m starting to get really confused and everything's bouncing around in my head like a pinball machine: You’re in a brand new, happily budding relationship. Then the ex that drove you almost literally insane, and vice-versa, the one you were terribly in love with, the one you would do most anything for, walks back into your life. He professes his undying love and wants to try again. He claims that he’s a different man, with a healthier attitude and clearer goals. He insists that the characteristics that you thought made him impossible to deal with have been tempered/changed. He seems sincere. He even says that he has your best interests at heart, that he wants you to be happy, even if you don’t go back to him. And for some weird reason part of you wants to believe all this, and you’re tempted by his promises of making “what could’ve been,” real and better. How did you deal with this? Was it easy for you to dismiss the advance and focus on your current life? So it goes: my last ex contacted me; he wants me back. For a while after the break-up I felt the same way, but I also thought that we just weren’t right for each other and it was time to once and for all let go. We had a highly-charged, very passionate, but toxic relationship. We broke up and got back together countless times over 3 years. When we weren’t fighting and near-killing each other, we were incredibly happy. We looked forward to building a family and growing old together. We were loving and kind to each other. But we both made huge mistakes, some of which I thought were irreparable. I broke up with him. We eventually stopped contact. I thought that I had healed and moved on. After almost a year passed, I met my current bf and have been very happy. Hearing from the ex brought back a rush of memories and tons of regret for what we both messed up. As screwy as things were, I loved him very much. He’s visiting here in June for career reasons and to see his family. He wants to see me and I haven’t agreed or disagreed. Part of me says that this is a very bad idea and no good will come of it. The other part says to meet him, only in public, and only to talk. To either get final closure (but I thought this was done!), or figure out if there’s still something there (is this possible, and how can it be after all the damage?). He’s also hesitating as he feels guilty for getting in the way of my current relationship. I’m thinking that maybe I: 1. Am not completely over the ex 2. Have been subconsciously hoping we’d have another chance 3. Am not really in love with the current bf 4. Am just completely damaged and incapable of real love And if any of the above is true, then shouldn’t I still be single and clearing my head? Even if another chance with the ex were possible, it would be a bad idea to get back together immediately anyway. Also, I would owe it to my current bf to let him go. Number 3 really bothers me. A lot. Because I thought I was being genuine. Now I’m not so sure. Perhaps I’ve been kidding myself. If I can’t even be brutally honest with myself then what do I have? I don’t want to be a cake-eater, and I don’t want to be someone that neither man can trust. More importantly, I want to be able to trust myself. Even our recent contact feels wrong and I’m filled with guilt. In contrast to my last relationship, my current bf and I deal with issues reasonably. We’re more stable and respectful of each other. I realize that 3-4 months is very early to be “deeply in love” but there is definitely a connection. We’re very happy and affectionate and are learning together as we go along. But there’re still a lot of walls up on my side. At first I thought it was just self-protection from being hurt before, and because the relationship was new. But now I’m wondering if it’s because I’ve been deluded and still hung up on the ex. Then I think, am I genuinely hung-up on the ex, or just subconsciously trying to sabotage what could be the happiest, healthiest relationship that I’ve had in a very long time –-- possibly ever? How do I tell current bf? What do I say? I imagine that he’ll be very hurt and disappointed in me for wavering. I don’t know how to face him. As matters stand, I feel like my only options now are: 1. Focus on current bf as usual and stop talking to ex completely 2. End current relationship, take time off, then try again with ex 3. Take a break from everyone and not even consider dating for a very long time Also, I wonder if the ex really still loves me, or is he simply being territorial, wanting what he doesn’t have anymore? Is he living off nostalgia? He claims that he isn't. He thinks that we're better matched now; we've both grown and changed for the better since we first met 4 years ago. We do know each other well and went through a lot together. Despite all the problems, we always had a strange mental/physical attraction that I never really understood: why would you keep wanting the person who hurts you the most, and who does so repeatedly? Right now, he lives on the other side of the world and will be moving back to my area this fall if not next year. Thankfully the distance and time are there --- it leaves some room to think. I want to do the right thing. And I have a feeling that the "right thing" to do is going to be painful. In any case, I feel pressured to nip this in the bud and make a decision soon. What to do? This is killing me.
Mary3 Posted April 16, 2006 Posted April 16, 2006 Sorry if this is all so convoluted and long –-- I’m starting to get really confused and everything's bouncing around in my head like a pinball machine: You’re in a brand new, happily budding relationship. Then the ex that drove you almost literally insane, and vice-versa, the one you were terribly in love with, the one you would do most anything for, walks back into your life. He professes his undying love and wants to try again. He claims that he’s a different man, with a healthier attitude and clearer goals. He insists that the characteristics that you thought made him impossible to deal with have been tempered/changed. He seems sincere. He even says that he has your best interests at heart, that he wants you to be happy, even if you don’t go back to him. And for some weird reason part of you wants to believe all this, and you’re tempted by his promises of making “what could’ve been,” real and better. How did you deal with this? Was it easy for you to dismiss the advance and focus on your current life? So it goes: my last ex contacted me; he wants me back. For a while after the break-up I felt the same way, but I also thought that we just weren’t right for each other and it was time to once and for all let go. We had a highly-charged, very passionate, but toxic relationship. We broke up and got back together countless times over 3 years. When we weren’t fighting and near-killing each other, we were incredibly happy. We looked forward to building a family and growing old together. We were loving and kind to each other. But we both made huge mistakes, some of which I thought were irreparable. I broke up with him. We eventually stopped contact. I thought that I had healed and moved on. After almost a year passed, I met my current bf and have been very happy. Hearing from the ex brought back a rush of memories and tons of regret for what we both messed up. As screwy as things were, I loved him very much. He’s visiting here in June for career reasons and to see his family. He wants to see me and I haven’t agreed or disagreed. Part of me says that this is a very bad idea and no good will come of it. The other part says to meet him, only in public, and only to talk. To either get final closure (but I thought this was done!), or figure out if there’s still something there (is this possible, and how can it be after all the damage?). He’s also hesitating as he feels guilty for getting in the way of my current relationship. I’m thinking that maybe I: 1. Am not completely over the ex 2. Have been subconsciously hoping we’d have another chance 3. Am not really in love with the current bf 4. Am just completely damaged and incapable of real love And if any of the above is true, then shouldn’t I still be single and clearing my head? Even if another chance with the ex were possible, it would be a bad idea to get back together immediately anyway. Also, I would owe it to my current bf to let him go. Number 3 really bothers me. A lot. Because I thought I was being genuine. Now I’m not so sure. Perhaps I’ve been kidding myself. If I can’t even be brutally honest with myself then what do I have? I don’t want to be a cake-eater, and I don’t want to be someone that neither man can trust. More importantly, I want to be able to trust myself. Even our recent contact feels wrong and I’m filled with guilt. In contrast to my last relationship, my current bf and I deal with issues reasonably. We’re more stable and respectful of each other. I realize that 3-4 months is very early to be “deeply in love” but there is definitely a connection. We’re very happy and affectionate and are learning together as we go along. But there’re still a lot of walls up on my side. At first I thought it was just self-protection from being hurt before, and because the relationship was new. But now I’m wondering if it’s because I’ve been deluded and still hung up on the ex. Then I think, am I genuinely hung-up on the ex, or just subconsciously trying to sabotage what could be the happiest, healthiest relationship that I’ve had in a very long time –-- possibly ever? How do I tell current bf? What do I say? I imagine that he’ll be very hurt and disappointed in me for wavering. I don’t know how to face him. As matters stand, I feel like my only options now are: 1. Focus on current bf as usual and stop talking to ex completely 2. End current relationship, take time off, then try again with ex 3. Take a break from everyone and not even consider dating for a very long time Also, I wonder if the ex really still loves me, or is he simply being territorial, wanting what he doesn’t have anymore? Is he living off nostalgia? He claims that he isn't. He thinks that we're better matched now; we've both grown and changed for the better since we first met 4 years ago. We do know each other well and went through a lot together. Despite all the problems, we always had a strange mental/physical attraction that I never really understood: why would you keep wanting the person who hurts you the most, and who does so repeatedly? Right now, he lives on the other side of the world and will be moving back to my area this fall if not next year. Thankfully the distance and time are there --- it leaves some room to think. I want to do the right thing. And I have a feeling that the "right thing" to do is going to be painful. In any case, I feel pressured to nip this in the bud and make a decision soon. What to do? This is killing me. The first thing to ask yourself : "What happened to our relationship "? Who was doing the damage you are talking about ? The most important thing to remember is what happened and why the relationship ended ? Can you go back to today and will all the things that happened that ended it be resolved ? In other words , relationships end for a reason. What was the reason ? How is it better now ( do not delude yourself with promises ...) So you had repeat breakups ? What in the world possesses you to think this won't start up again ? Why were you breaking up so much ? I want to fast forward a little bit and talk about your current boyfriend. As a victim myself of * rebound * love. I was hurt deeply when I found out my boyfriend still carried a torch for his ex who dumped him. Somehow I forgot to ask the question " Do you have any feelings for anyone that is now your ex " ? Well, not that he would have been honest with himself about it but thats what ended our relationship because he was hanging onto her. I said " Hey I don't do 3 ways so the realization came to me that he would always be hung up on her and idolizing her so I knew I needed to step out of the picture. Which brings me to say to you : Please stop and consider how much you are going to hurt your present boyfriend all because you want to resurrect the PAST and bring it into your future. You did everything right . You got on with your life, Now you want it to go back to where it used to be. Why was your former relationship Toxic ? I think you are 1. 2 . 3 . and 4. I hope 3 does not come true. I think you need to stop talking to the ex. Focus on the man who loves you. Are you looking for drama ? I know the excitement of sparks and chemistry . But Drama ?? Nope....why do you want to go back to that ? Everyone's dream right ? Break up and get back together just like in the movies ? I think its Everyone's Nightmare when you really think about it...wake up please. Don't hurt this man you are with. Please think of HIM. I know you want to meet up with the ex. I suppose you will. You are going to hurt someone when you do. I would step out of the ex and get strong with your present guy. If you must go meet him , I just don't think its going to turn out as great as you think. I feel sorry for your present boyfriend. Please reconsider breaking his heart.
MadDog Posted April 16, 2006 Posted April 16, 2006 It's called too little, too late. The love train only comes around once in most cases at any given location. He's going to have to try to catch a different train.
Author brightskies Posted April 16, 2006 Author Posted April 16, 2006 The first thing to ask yourself: "What happened to our relationship?” Who was doing the damage you are talking about? The most important thing to remember is what happened and why the relationship ended? Can you go back to today and will all the things that happened that ended it be resolved? In other words, relationships end for a reason. What was the reason? How is it better now (do not delude yourself with promises...) Hi Mary, Thanks for reading this novel. You're bringing up a lot of good points. Btw, I typed the response out on MS word. It’s really too long and I’ll post it in sections. What happened. Oh geez. Lots of things. To start off, we were both emotionally/mentally very messed up. Although I was probably worse in some ways. He was insecure and wanted attention from other women, needing a lot of outside approval. He had trouble committing to anything, even to small promises like a time to meet. On my end, I was insecure and over-reactive, too needy and demanding, high-strung and obsessive-compulsive. Really stubborn and difficult on top of that. Afraid of being abandoned and infidelity. Neither of us ever cheated physically as far as I know --- but emotionally, there were close calls on both sides. The first 3 months were textbook honeymoon period: very happy, lots of alone time, amazing chemistry. Nothing could touch us. Then reality and our personal issues came into play. After about 3-4 months, I found out that he was into the party/drug scene. He turned to alcohol when he wasn’t happy. He needed alcohol to socialize, and he socialized frequently. His female friends weren’t respectful of our relationship. He wouldn’t set boundaries with them. I started to get jealous about his flirting. The fighting started. Endless roller coast from there. The repeat break-ups: I think it was a mixture of immaturity and stupidity. We both kept getting scared and trying to leave. And we both kept running back. There were big trust issues on both sides. Both our families had domestic problems; we were both molested by people we trusted (not family). He was aggressive in courtship, but over time I think the ex was more a distancer and I was more a pursuer. The irony is, I think in my current relationship, things are reversed and I'm more a distancer and my bf is more a pursuer --- but he's much more balanced and mature about it than I was.
Author brightskies Posted April 16, 2006 Author Posted April 16, 2006 It's called too little, too late. The love train only comes around once in most cases at any given location. He's going to have to try to catch a different train. Hi MD, Sadly, I think you're right. If I knew then what I know now, if he never left, if we had been more careful with each other, if I had been in therapy sooner --- we might've had a better chance. So many "ifs." But that's not how things played out. Why do we long for "what could've been"? And why am so I tempted by the idea of not re-living, but "fixing" the past?
Author brightskies Posted April 16, 2006 Author Posted April 16, 2006 Some highlights (oxymoron in this context?): The ex was stressed about his career/finances. For three years he had been living off money that he made in the stock market but it was running out. Some investments he made fell through. When I met him he was starting a new finance job, but due to the stress he decided to leave. Roughly 6 months after we met, he decided to pick up and move to a different country to study/jumpstart his career. Originally he didn't want to keep going, so he broke up with me. We got back together after a week. We did long distance on and off for the next 1.5 (?) years. At one point I became too emotionally close to a male friend. During the LDR I went through a deep depression/self-destructive period probably due to multiple stressors of family, the relationship, and possibly biochemistry. I was also in architecture grad. school, working ridiculous hours and living on 10-15 hours of sleep a week. Often not sleeping for 2-3 nights at a stretch and crashing on the weekend. I felt suicidal, sometimes everyday. He started corresponding with another woman; she was sending him nude photos. He was also in touch with other women he met on dating sites. As far as I know they never met. This was especially tough to forgive because it was happening when I really needed his support. After he broke up with me one time, I went on a drinking/man binge. He was devastated and started drinking heavily. He decided to move back to be with me and try work things out. Poor communication skills: he hated confrontation and would shut down; I'd push and try to force a resolution. I didn't know how to ask for what I needed without being demanding and making him defensive. We didn't fight fairly. Really bad screaming matches and sometimes things got physical. This was the worst fighting either of us had ever done in any relationship.
Author brightskies Posted April 16, 2006 Author Posted April 16, 2006 So you had repeat breakups? What in the world possesses you to think this won't start up again? Why were you breaking up so much? What makes me think that any of this might be different. Hmmm. Part reality, part wishful thinking. The therapy and medication really helped. I started regaining a healthier, more positive attitude to life. I'm regaining my confidence and direction. I'm calmer, much less reactive and less concerned with trying to control everything. I'm more comfortable with myself. Based on what he told me, it seems that he's going through the same process. He cut down on drinking. He no longer uses recreational drugs. He’s more focused on work and school. Reasons for/break-up patterns were explained above. I want to fast forward a little bit and talk about your current boyfriend. As a victim myself of *rebound* love. I was hurt deeply when I found out my boyfriend still carried a torch for his ex who dumped him. Somehow I forgot to ask the question, "Do you have any feelings for anyone that is now your ex"? Well, not that he would have been honest with himself about it but that's what ended our relationship because he was hanging onto her. I said, "Hey I don't do 3 ways," so the realization came to me that he would always be hung up on her and idolizing her. So I knew I needed to step out of the picture. You're absolutely right; rebound isn't fair and I've also been on the receiving end. What has me confused is, I thought that the rebound had already happened before my current relationship. Before meeting current bf, I was dating casually. Became somewhat close with one guy. I found out later on that he was either in the midst of breaking up or was possibly cheating on his gf -- I wasn't sure which, and I ended that. I went into the current relationship thinking I was free and clear of the ex and rebound.
Author brightskies Posted April 16, 2006 Author Posted April 16, 2006 Which brings me to say to you: Please stop and consider how much you are going to hurt your present boyfriend all because you want to resurrect the PAST and bring it into your future. You did everything right. You got on with your life, Now you want it to go back to where it used to be. Yes. I feel foolish now that you point that out. Going back might undo all the progress made. And current bf doesn’t deserve to be hurt. Why was your former relationship Toxic? See above posts. I think you are 1, 2, 3, and 4. I hope 3 does not come true. I think that I’ll get over #1 & 2 if stand my ground. I hope #3 isn’t true; current bf is wonderful. And if #4 is true, I hope that I can change that. I think you need to stop talking to the ex. Focus on the man who loves you. Are you looking for drama? I know the excitement of sparks and chemistry. But drama?? Nope. Why do you want to go back to that? Everyone's dream right? Break up and get back together just like in the movies? I think its Everyone's Nightmare when you really think about it ... wake up please. No. I hated the drama. The drama almost gave me a nervous breakdown a couple times, if it didn’t already happen. Ex said the same thing. So, I don’t want any more of it. I think the reason I’m even remotely tempted to go back to him is that we’ve both done some growing up. I’m healthier, and he seems healthier, like we could be happy together without the drama. throughout the relationship we believed that if we could fix our personal issues, we'd be great together. I guess that's partly why we kept trying. Also, the idea that someone can still love and accept you after they’d seen you at your very worst --- that’s tempting.
Author brightskies Posted April 16, 2006 Author Posted April 16, 2006 Don't hurt this man you are with. Please think of HIM. I know you want to meet up with the ex. I suppose you will. You are going to hurt someone when you do. I would step out of the ex and get strong with your present guy. If you must go meet him, I just don't think its going to turn out as great as you think. I feel sorry for your present boyfriend. Please reconsider breaking his heart. Again, you're spot on, Mary. If I genuinely care about current bf, then I need to focus on him. I'm still not sure about meeting the ex. Before I posted, I wanted to meet him. Maybe more for closure than to revive the past. But I don’t know if that would serve any purpose at this point. I still have some of his things that he should have back, but they can be mailed or picked up without actually meeting. Your comments are definitely making me think twice about it. I really appreciate your support. About discloure: If I decide not to meet the ex and cut off contact, should I tell current bf about it? Or would that hurt him unnecessarily? It's a given that I would have to tell current bf if I do meet the ex --- otherwise it's emotional cheating, yes?
Mary3 Posted April 16, 2006 Posted April 16, 2006 I will be responding to your letters a little later tonite. Off to work shortly but PLEASE do NOT tell your boyfriend . !! Use this posting site as your confessional.....to tell us will be therapudic. To tell your boyfriend will be disasterous !! Don't do it ! I will explain later why you don't want to confess something like that. Its going to HURT him ! Please keep what you have Talk later
Curmudgeon Posted April 16, 2006 Posted April 16, 2006 Yes it's emotional cheating but then again, so is the current situation and all your wondering because it's taking away emotional time and energy your current bf should be entitled to. After reading all "parts" I am of the opinion that you and your ex are a rather toxic combination and while people can change and for the better, many elements of the "old" them remain. They're ingrained and a part of who and what they are. One definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting to get different results. I think that applies to relationships as well, especially *second chance* relationships. I am a far different person and husband now that I was when the ex and I were married (for 25 years) but I know that if I ever tried to reconnect with her (won't happen), old patterns would re-emerge out of habit, if nothing else, and the end result would be the same. In my almost 60 years of life I've only ever really loved three women. There was my first love who "abandoned" me when I voluntarily joined the Army during Vietnam. There was the ex and there's my wife who is head-and-shoulders above the others. Under no circumstances would I ever return to what was and didn't last. That would be going into it with my eyes wide shut!
Author brightskies Posted April 16, 2006 Author Posted April 16, 2006 I will be responding to your letters a little later tonite. Off to work shortly but PLEASE do NOT tell your boyfriend . !! Use this posting site as your confessional.....to tell us will be therapudic. To tell your boyfriend will be disasterous !! Don't do it ! I will explain later why you don't want to confess something like that. Its going to HURT him ! Please keep what you have Talk later I'm going to be hearing a lot of "no," here. That's good. Sometimes it helps to have someone remind you about the right thing. I haven't said a word; am sitting on this for now. Have a good day at work!
Author brightskies Posted April 16, 2006 Author Posted April 16, 2006 Yes it's emotional cheating but then again, so is the current situation and all your wondering because it's taking away emotional time and energy your current bf should be entitled to. Hi C, I was afraid that was the case. I really want to do things right with current bf. But good intentions aren't enough and they don't justify bad behavior. Already, I'm starting to f*** things up. Am starting down a slippery slope and I need to get back on firm ground. After reading all "parts" I am of the opinion that you and your ex are a rather toxic combination and while people can change and for the better, many elements of the "old" them remain. They're ingrained and a part of who and what they are. One definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting to get different results. I think that applies to relationships as well, especially *second chance* relationships. Insanity -- I'm glad you bring this up. :lmao: When I re-read what I just posted above, I'm surprised at how long it lasted. Any sane person would've gotten out of the situation after the first or second bad fight. Even before the fights got physical. But we kept trying. Over and over and over. For 3 freakin' years! And we still failed. And now? I'm not even sure I actually know what "love" is. I can rattle off all kinds of logical examples and definitions, but deep down I just feel somewhat numb about the whole thing. But if there are people like you who can find love in your 50s, then it's not all hopeless and I still have something to look forward to. Current bf asked me once if I was capable of falling madly in love with someone. I said I wasn't sure, and I used to think I could. But if I was genuinely in love with my past bfs, then why did things end and why did we hurt each other so badly? I said maybe I was just deluded/infatuated. I am a far different person and husband now that I was when the ex and I were married (for 25 years) but I know that if I ever tried to reconnect with her (won't happen), old patterns would re-emerge out of habit, if nothing else, and the end result would be the same. In my almost 60 years of life I've only ever really loved three women. There was my first love who "abandoned" me when I voluntarily joined the Army during Vietnam. There was the ex and there's my wife who is head-and-shoulders above the others. Under no circumstances would I ever return to what was and didn't last. That would be going into it with my eyes wide shut! Falling into the same patterns. Go on, you can say it: it would just be a retarded thing to do! That's one of the major reasons I'm not dropping everything and rushing back to the ex. Even if we both have good intentions and have changed, maybe there's just something in our dynamic, something in each other that brings out the worst in us. Why didn't your 2nd love work? You were married 25 years, what kept you together so long?
aleatoryd Posted April 17, 2006 Posted April 17, 2006 I have some concerns (hope you don't mind me sharing them - sorry if they don't seem overly helpful or relevant) My friend was seeing a girl and they got on really well. Then the ex turned up on the scene and she like tells him so they break up amicably. Turns out the ex only wanted one "thing" and so it fell appart. Well the thing is my friend didn't go back to her afterwards because lets be realistic very few people want the insecurity in the future of there being a repeat lack of comitment or return of the "ex" scenario. I doubt many people feel like being second best. If you dropped you current b/f I would also be worried about his reaction. I realise it is human reaction to go for what we believe is best for us but if he's a nice guy it would be very sad to do this to him. I know you have to make the decision you most feel comfortable with but this will end up hurting him and create aniother hurt person. I think you need to consider whether you ever actually got over your boydfriend - yeah I know it's not rocket science - it's obvious there is still that "first love" kind of feeling holding a part of your heart. The question is now of closure. Will you let him go? Certainly it sounds like you've been changed by that relationship and maybe you aren't being fair to your current b/f by holding back. I very much doubt your ex boyfriend will have changed completely and he doesn't sound like the best kind of guy. No one can judge you from thinking about the "what ifs" but please consider the "what is". You seem like a very caring and considerate person so I'm sure when you let your heart dictate you will make the right decision. No action without reason and no reason without emotion. My gut instinct drop the whole thing with the "ex" and don't tell your current b/f it's not something that will help or benefit him or you.
aleatoryd Posted April 17, 2006 Posted April 17, 2006 ^^^^ If I didn't sound like it in my post above - I hope things work out for you whatever you decide to do. Take care.
Author brightskies Posted April 17, 2006 Author Posted April 17, 2006 If I didn't sound like it in my post above - I hope things work out for you whatever you decide to do. Take care. You're being very supportive, thank you. I'm actually just about to post my reply to your post above.
Mary3 Posted April 17, 2006 Posted April 17, 2006 After reading your post again I strongly urge you to do the following : Do NOT try to get back with the ex. You ( if I may say this kindly ) are still a troubled young woman who is in therapy and will likely need it to get strong from your sad upbringing. Your ex also needs therapy. You are both like two explosives in a duffle bag sitting at the airport waiting to go off. I know you have grown and learned about yourself. I know you are in therapy. I know you were abused. I know you have good heart and even better intentions. But you are in effect like a quarantined puppy at the vet who is getting treated and needs to stay away from toxic men. Your ex is toxic for you. He is a lethal weapon and mixing you both together because of your pasts as abuse victims , it seems one will feed off the other. NOW you have a nice boyfriend who loves you. You are healing. You are getting better and stronger. Unless your boyfriend is an awful guy then I would STAY with him. Forget all you ever heard about couples * re-uniting * . Do you know the failure rate in that ? Tell your ex ( by the way you are not being fair to your boyfriend , not giving 100% emotionally because the ex is trying to get his hands in the cookie jar ) tell your ex that its over and you wish him well. No matter what he says after that, you need to go NC ( ASAP ) and stop talking to him. All forms of contact.
Author brightskies Posted April 17, 2006 Author Posted April 17, 2006 Hi Lucky-D, Feel free to share anything you like. My friend was seeing a girl and they got on really well. Then the ex turned up on the scene and she tells him so they break up amicably. Turns out the ex only wanted one "thing" and so it fell apart. Well, the thing is, my friend didn't go back to her afterwards because, let’s be realistic, very few people want the insecurity in the future of there being a repeat lack of commitment or return of the "ex" scenario. I doubt many people feel like being second best. Your friend was smart. If the situation were reversed and my current bf decided to go back to an ex, I would have to walk away as well. It’s so much easier to think rationally when you’re outside the situation; I need to learn how to maintain the same level-headed judgment for myself. Lack of commitment --- interesting that you bring this up. More than ever, I see this situation as a test of my commitment and character. If you dropped your current b/f I would also be worried about his reaction. I realise it is human reaction to go for what we believe is best for us but if he's a nice guy it would be very sad to do this to him. I know you have to make the decision you most feel comfortable with but this will end up hurting him and create another hurt person. Logically speaking, going back to the ex is probably a bad idea. Almost surely a bad idea for many reasons: hard to break patterns, lots of baggage, old resentments dredging up, etc., etc. I honestly don’t understand why it would even cross my mind. And if I were to advise someone else who was going through the same thing, I would say, “don’t do it.” And yet, here I am very stupidly turning it around in my brain. It’s like watching a car wreck –-- you’re horrified but fascinated and can’t look away. That's true: if I mis-step the person who will suffer the most will be the current bf. It’d be crucifying the innocent. I think you need to consider whether you ever actually got over your boyfriend --- yeah, I know it's not rocket science --- it's obvious there is still that "first love" kind of feeling holding a part of your heart. The question is now of closure. Will you let him go? Certainly it sounds like you've been changed by that relationship and maybe you aren't being fair to your current b/f by holding back. Have you broken up with someone, and how did you achieve closure for yourself? Did you move on easily or was there some going back and forth in your mind? I very much doubt your ex-boyfriend will have changed completely and he doesn't sound like the best kind of guy. No one can judge you for thinking about the "what ifs," but please consider the "what is". You seem like a very caring and considerate person so I'm sure when you let your heart dictate you will make the right decision. No action without reason, and no reason without emotion. My gut instinct: drop the whole thing with the "ex" and don't tell your current b/f it's not something that will help or benefit him or you. Thank you for your kind words. There were some things that were hard to accept and read, but holding up a mirror to what I need to see is helpful. To be fair to the ex, when we were together, I used to blame him for what went wrong and hated him for it. Later, I saw how I was just as responsible for the breakdown as he was. I don’t hate him anymore; I’m just sad and regretful for ruining what we had so senselessly. In many ways he’s a good person; but we made a bad combination somehow. I like what you say, “No action without reason, and no reason without emotion.” I will remember it.
Author brightskies Posted April 17, 2006 Author Posted April 17, 2006 After reading your post again I strongly urge you to do the following: Do NOT try to get back with the ex. You (if I may say this kindly) are still a troubled young woman who is in therapy and will likely need it to get strong from your sad upbringing. Your ex also needs therapy. You are both like two explosives in a duffle bag sitting at the airport waiting to go off. I know you have grown and learned about yourself. I know you were abused. I know you have good heart and even better intentions. But you are in effect like a quarantined puppy at the vet who is getting treated and needs to stay away from toxic men. Your ex is toxic for you. He is a lethal weapon and mixing you both together because of your pasts as abuse victims, it seems one will feed off the other. Welcome back, M. As soon as I saw your post I started laughing because the first thing you wrote was: “Nooo.” Yes, the ex and I have some background commonalities. Do you think that’s partly why we were so strongly attracted? My doctor said I would be ok without therapy now, and need to focus on work and keeping busy. So I’ve stopped the therapy, (it was during the ex-relationship and partly after the break-up), sessions and am still on medication. The ex stopped both and he seems to be fine. I’ve been doing very well, but if I feel the need at some point, I won’t hesitate to go back into therapy. The ex asked me if I still love him. As mentioned before, I think I’ve become a little gun-shy about “love,” and that’s what I answered. I know there are residual feelings, that I still care to some extent. But I had to squelch a lot of those “love” feelings after the break-up for the sake of sanity. He seemed very sad that I couldn’t assure him of still feeling the same way as he does. Now I feel even more guilty, because: 1) I’ve reciprocated contact with the ex, 2) he’s hurt. Is it normal to feel guilty for how the ex feels? I feel badly that he’s in pain because I’m with someone else. But I know that my loyalty should be to my current bf. NOW you have a nice boyfriend who loves you. You are healing. You are getting better and stronger. Unless your boyfriend is an awful guy then I would STAY with him. Forget all you ever heard about couples *re-uniting.* Do you know the failure rate in that? Tell your ex (by the way you are not being fair to your boyfriend, not giving 100% emotionally because the ex is trying to get his hands in the cookie jar) tell your ex that it’s over and you wish him well. No matter what he says after that, you need to go NC (ASAP) and stop talking to him. All forms of contact. Haven’t read up on theories/stats on reunions with exes, but I will look into it. My current bf makes me feel very lucky; he cares for me very much, and he brings out some very good qualities in me. My instinct agrees with you and Aleatory --- that telling him about my internal conflict would break his heart. Everyone has been very helpful in reminding me that sometimes there are no “do-overs,” and that even this contact with the ex is very unfair to the current bf. Not an excuse, just an observation: I think hearing from the ex has been confusing me because he seems to be presenting a shining opportunity to rework history and fix all our mistakes. I wonder if I should stop contact in the meantime and wait to tell him my decision until after his test in June? I’m afraid telling him right now will be a distraction as he’s currently studying for his CFA exams. Although I think he already has an inkling about what I’m going say.
aleatoryd Posted April 17, 2006 Posted April 17, 2006 Have you broken up with someone, and how did you achieve closure for yourself? Did you move on easily or was there some going back and forth in your mind? When I've been living in the past it has often taken years to get over people. Seeing the person again can bring up the same old feelings. I'd say people we've loved always have a hold on our heart - its up to us to decide how much we give them though. For me the best solution has been space and new people. Seeing them in a relationship with someone else pretty much tells me that no matter what has been or I believed could have been they see that person as being the right one and not me. So in a way its easier if they start to see someone else. When they are "no longer available" the chemical imbalance in my head soon sorts itself out. Also because I believe there is a right type of person - who may develop into a sould mate - I know that there will be someone else out there who at the moment is better suited to me and hopefully I am to them. I don't mean this to sound like I think we should wonder from one relationship to another - of course not that wouldn't be a healthy attitude. There is a time to remember and cherish the past but we have to live in the present for the future. AND yes the past can come back to haunt us but is is what was and not what is. I think your comitment and character sound fine brightskies. You've thought the same as anyone else would do in your situation. Remember to compare the complications of the ex against the current b/f and you'll see who is better suited for you now. I'm sure you'll make the right decision.
Mary3 Posted April 18, 2006 Posted April 18, 2006 When I've been living in the past it has often taken years to get over people. Seeing the person again can bring up the same old feelings. I'd say people we've loved always have a hold on our heart - its up to us to decide how much we give them though. For me the best solution has been space and new people. Seeing them in a relationship with someone else pretty much tells me that no matter what has been or I believed could have been they see that person as being the right one and not me. So in a way its easier if they start to see someone else. When they are "no longer available" the chemical imbalance in my head soon sorts itself out. Also because I believe there is a right type of person - who may develop into a sould mate - I know that there will be someone else out there who at the moment is better suited to me and hopefully I am to them. I don't mean this to sound like I think we should wonder from one relationship to another - of course not that wouldn't be a healthy attitude. There is a time to remember and cherish the past but we have to live in the present for the future. AND yes the past can come back to haunt us but is is what was and not what is. I think your comitment and character sound fine brightskies. You've thought the same as anyone else would do in your situation. Remember to compare the complications of the ex against the current b/f and you'll see who is better suited for you now. I'm sure you'll make the right decision. I could not have said it better ! Outstanding ! I just wish I could type your NAME easier ! hehe....
Mary3 Posted April 18, 2006 Posted April 18, 2006 Welcome back, M. As soon as I saw your post I started laughing because the first thing you wrote was: “Nooo.” Yes, the ex and I have some background commonalities. Do you think that’s partly why we were so strongly attracted? My doctor said I would be ok without therapy now, and need to focus on work and keeping busy. So I’ve stopped the therapy, (it was during the ex-relationship and partly after the break-up), sessions and am still on medication. The ex stopped both and he seems to be fine. I’ve been doing very well, but if I feel the need at some point, I won’t hesitate to go back into therapy. The ex asked me if I still love him. As mentioned before, I think I’ve become a little gun-shy about “love,” and that’s what I answered. I know there are residual feelings, that I still care to some extent. But I had to squelch a lot of those “love” feelings after the break-up for the sake of sanity. He seemed very sad that I couldn’t assure him of still feeling the same way as he does. Now I feel even more guilty, because: 1) I’ve reciprocated contact with the ex, 2) he’s hurt. Is it normal to feel guilty for how the ex feels? I feel badly that he’s in pain because I’m with someone else. But I know that my loyalty should be to my current bf. Haven’t read up on theories/stats on reunions with exes, but I will look into it. My current bf makes me feel very lucky; he cares for me very much, and he brings out some very good qualities in me. My instinct agrees with you and Aleatory --- that telling him about my internal conflict would break his heart. Everyone has been very helpful in reminding me that sometimes there are no “do-overs,” and that even this contact with the ex is very unfair to the current bf. Not an excuse, just an observation: I think hearing from the ex has been confusing me because he seems to be presenting a shining opportunity to rework history and fix all our mistakes. I wonder if I should stop contact in the meantime and wait to tell him my decision until after his test in June? I’m afraid telling him right now will be a distraction as he’s currently studying for his CFA exams. Although I think he already has an inkling about what I’m going say. I think you both relate to one another because of the wounded bird effect. Of course he is going to understand your fear and isolation when you were being abused because he too was abused. Not to say that abuse victims cannot come together and offer solace to eachother. But by the same token , try to think of two alcoholics who were drawn together at an AA meeting. We all know that alcoholism is a LIFETIME of recovery and so that means that those two will have to help eachother , likely FOREVER. ' So yes you relate to him. You grew close to him. You fell in love. But now you have moved on to another realm. Another chapter in your life. If you try to ressurect the past , well... the Past is the Past ! It belongs there and we all have one. It does not mean we go back and recreate it again. Sure you will always care about him. But dump your present loving boyfriend ? Unthinkable ! Think about NOW. Think about TODAY. So you can have a better tomorrow. There is NO gaurantee that the ex will be everything and a bag of chips.
Author brightskies Posted April 20, 2006 Author Posted April 20, 2006 When I've been living in the past it has often taken years to get over people. Seeing the person again can bring up the same old feelings. I'd say people we've loved always have a hold on our heart - its up to us to decide how much we give them though. For me the best solution has been space and new people. Also because I believe there is a right type of person - who may develop into a sould mate - I know that there will be someone else out there who at the moment is better suited to me and hopefully I am to them. I don't mean this to sound like I think we should wonder from one relationship to another - of course not that wouldn't be a healthy attitude. There is a time to remember and cherish the past but we have to live in the present for the future. AND yes the past can come back to haunt us but is is what was and not what is. It's a bit of a shock having the past thrown in my face again -- I really thought I was over everything. But I hate how my resolve to move on is somewhat shaken, and how I'm now awash in feelings good and bad that I'd rather put behind me. It's also starting to anger me that only now, after all the times I tried to make the ex SEE, he's finally coming around. Only now when I'm with someone else and it feels a little too late to go backwards. I resent this intrusion and the way it's confusing me. And yet, I'm having trouble saying goodbye forever all over again.
Author brightskies Posted April 20, 2006 Author Posted April 20, 2006 I think you both relate to one another because of the wounded bird effect ... So yes you relate to him. You grew close to him. You fell in love. But now you have moved on to another realm. Another chapter in your life. The Past is the Past! It belongs there and we all have one. It does not mean we go back and recreate it again. Sure you will always care about him. But dump your present loving boyfriend? Unthinkable! Think about NOW. Think about TODAY. So you can have a better tomorrow. There is NO gaurantee that the ex will be everything and a bag of chips. Oddly, enough I agree with you. There's a part of me that wants to go back and fix what went wrong. But sometimes you have to let go. I just wish it weren't so hard to do. I think of that Robert Frost poem, "The Road Not Taken:" Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, And sorry I could not travel both And be one traveler, long I stood And looked down one as far as I could To where it bent in the undergrowth. I feel like I'm standing at that crossroads trying to see where each path leads. But I can't predict the future. I can only make a choice and live it and see how things unfold. I keep reminding myself of this. In fact, I've made up a maxim for myself: Study the past, live in the present, prepare for the future.
Walk Posted April 20, 2006 Posted April 20, 2006 The ex asked me if I still love him. As mentioned before, I think I’ve become a little gun-shy about “love,” and that’s what I answered. I know there are residual feelings, that I still care to some extent. But I had to squelch a lot of those “love” feelings after the break-up for the sake of sanity. He seemed very sad that I couldn’t assure him of still feeling the same way as he does. Now I feel even more guilty, because: 1) I’ve reciprocated contact with the ex, 2) he’s hurt. Is it normal to feel guilty for how the ex feels? I feel badly that he’s in pain because I’m with someone else. But I know that my loyalty should be to my current bf. Not an excuse, just an observation: I think hearing from the ex has been confusing me because he seems to be presenting a shining opportunity to rework history and fix all our mistakes. I wonder if I should stop contact in the meantime and wait to tell him my decision until after his test in June? I’m afraid telling him right now will be a distraction as he’s currently studying for his CFA exams. Although I think he already has an inkling about what I’m going say. First part of your quote... I think it's normal to feel some guilt for hurting someone. But you have to remember, he's looking for an ego boost. If he really truly wanted what is best for you, then he wouldn't ask if you loved him. He would ask what you wanted, what you needed, and give those things to you. He's not in love with you. He's in love with himself and what he wants from you. He wants you to be in love with him so that he can have you. if he loved you, he would want what is best for you. And currently that is the man you are seeing. Otherwise you wouldn't have chosen this guy. Loving someone means you do everything in your power to make sure they have what they need in life. Some of what you need is stability, mentally and emotionally, and support. He's not giving you that. He's making this more tumultuous, more uncertain, and playing on your residual feelings to gain something he desires. Which is probably nothing more then the hunt, and once he has his "prize" he'll be off for something new. People change, I know this... but let his actions prove the change. He's not showing he wants what's best for you. His actions are saying he wants you and he'll sabatoge your relationship in order to get you back. Doesn't sound to me like he's changed much. Don't make this complicated. Look at the actions, and not the words. Is he doing what he can to make your life easier, happier, and more comfortable? I don't see that. I loved my exH, even after we split. It was in his best interest that I showed that I supported him in whomever he dated after us. Because I love him, I want him to be happy. I stay out of the picture, and if I bump into him I encourage his relationship with the new girl. That is how someone who cares for you acts. Not this selfish, self-serving act he's attempting to con you with. Don't tell you current bf what's going on. And don't let your ex manipulate you anymore. Take control back and try to see the actions as they are.
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