Vertex Posted April 16, 2006 Posted April 16, 2006 I'm trying so hard not to talk to or contact my ex-girlfriend but I constantly feel the slightest inkling of a desire just to say something... however, I keep telling myself simultaneously that I shouldn't do this if I want to heal from the breakup. I just continually get the feeling that after all this, she isn't hurting, or doesn't miss me, and so forth. I'd just want to know how she feels after all this, even though I suppose it's a null point at this current time. I guess I am just jealous. She once told me how she dealt with her last boyfriend. Apparently SHE was the dependent, clingy one in that relationship and once tried to force the boyfriend to the ground to get a kiss out of him. He neglected her and she was a mess after that breakup until I came along four months later. I feel like... she would never feel that way about me. I'd be the one to chase her for a kiss, not her. She doesn't depend on my love. I also feel like I saved her from pain. I came along pretty quickly after her breakup so she didn't have to hurt so long. Now it's like, I'm going home for the summer from college. It's going to be a long time until I find a girl here I can be compatible with. How long must I hurt for? I already had to deal with my father dying, and now a girlfriend leaving me? I hurt so much inside and it pains me that I can't continue any of the fond memories I hold of my girlfriend, nor will I know if she even feels any hurt over this breakup. I wish she'd fight for me for once and try to get me to kiss her. I wish she'd fool around with me even after a breakup in an attempt to win me back like she did for her past ex. But unfortunately none of this is reality. I know males are supposed to be seen as the dominant go-getters, but every time I play this role I get hurt. Is it wrong to want to be chased? I'm so tired of doing all the chasing and getting the blunt end of the stick in turn. My ex girlfriend was my best friend to me and now I feel so lonely now that I don't talk to her since we spoke daily ever since the second we met. Virtually two years of daily conversation. And now there's just a huge void and I feel alone with my pain, and I feel that sinking feeling I had when my dad died. It's like those happy memories I have with my girlfriend... that person has died. She isn't on this planet anymore and instead I was with someone that no longer loved me. The girl I remember is so different from the one I know now and it's like I lost another family member. I don't know how to cope with this -- hobbies, friends, no contact -- none of them seem to be sufficient enough to keep my mind off it all. I want a girl who loves me and is willing to work through things and not run away.
AriaIncognito Posted April 16, 2006 Posted April 16, 2006 I'm sorry you're hurting. Breakups suck, there's no 2 ways about it. I wish I could offer words of wisdom, but really, it's all about time. It's gonna suck. Some days will be better than others. However, just realize, that one day, you'll wake up, and the pain will become less and less. We go through stages when we lose someone, be it to death, a relationship dying, etc. You have to allow yourself the time to heal. Don't deny yourself your feelings. Let yourself be sad, angry, happy, etc. Try to keep yourself busy with whatever. Work, friends, find a hobby... Chin up. It won't get better immediately, but it will get better. You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders. Jennifer
westernxer Posted April 16, 2006 Posted April 16, 2006 I also feel like I saved her from pain. I came along pretty quickly after her breakup so she didn't have to hurt so long. You were her rebound. Not fair to you, but it never is.
littlepiggy1 Posted April 16, 2006 Posted April 16, 2006 It sucks. After breaking up with my ex, I spent days with this intense longing for her and I just wanted to call her and pour my heart out. I kept thinking "I wish" and "if only". It's perfectly normal and you're going to probably feel this way for awhile. There's a void right now that only time will fill. But it will get better. What worked for me were two things. First, when I thought about calling my ex, I called someone else... a friend who I could talk to. It helps just to get stuff out. This msg board helped, too, so vent away. Pour it all out. Second, I got out of the house. While at home, I was a bundle of nerves, pacing, dwelling, all of it. Out of the house I at least was distracted, however temporarily, and it helped keep me level. Good luck to you.
Author Vertex Posted April 16, 2006 Author Posted April 16, 2006 Thanks for the kind words, everyone... I'm trying to keep my mind occupied but it's hard. A lot of my friends don't seem to be very receptive to phonecalling as a lot of them are too going through breakups (I've been trying to help my close friend through hers). It's like something's cursing everyone I know... ack. westernxer: I even brought the idea that I was her rebound to my ex as we were breaking up and she was saying "of course not!" I mean is it possible to feel like you're in love with a rebound and continue a long distance relationship for virtually two years? Is it that implausible? I really feel like she was desperate or something, and hurting when I met her. She attached to me very quickly even though it was online, and I feel like she was able to love again shortly after her recent heartbreak. Perhaps after college began she felt as if her life was back together in some form and no longer needed me? Suffice to say I doubt I will have that luxury of being saved so quickly as she was.
ms_jnj Posted April 16, 2006 Posted April 16, 2006 Yeah...I hear ya. With one of my break ups I wanted to call him and just pour out my pain and how much I missed him. Now...sometimes I still want to call, but more to tell him what an a**h*** he is. It's been about a year. But the truth is that no contact is a good system to abide by, no matter how much you want to call, you will heal faster if you don't. I know how much pain you are in, and it sucks, and there is no magic cure, but I promise you that it gets better with time, as cliche as that sounds....and it ends up being less time if you don't contact your ex. That's the unfortunate truth.
hyakku Posted April 16, 2006 Posted April 16, 2006 Thanks for the kind words, everyone... I'm trying to keep my mind occupied but it's hard. A lot of my friends don't seem to be very receptive to phonecalling as a lot of them are too going through breakups (I've been trying to help my close friend through hers). It's like something's cursing everyone I know... ack. westernxer: I even brought the idea that I was her rebound to my ex as we were breaking up and she was saying "of course not!" I mean is it possible to feel like you're in love with a rebound and continue a long distance relationship for virtually two years? Is it that implausible? I really feel like she was desperate or something, and hurting when I met her. She attached to me very quickly even though it was online, and I feel like she was able to love again shortly after her recent heartbreak. Perhaps after college began she felt as if her life was back together in some form and no longer needed me? Suffice to say I doubt I will have that luxury of being saved so quickly as she was. Here is what I want you to think. There are pros and cons to this which I will list afterward. But this is the one mindset I want in your head, repeat it EVERY time you think about her. There are more women then men out there. There are at least 2,999,999 women left out there for me. Its her loss, she missed a helluva catch, now I'm going to go out and find someone who will appreciate what a catch I am. EVERY time. The pros: Its TRUE. Its a great mindset to have it keeps you confident. If you aren't a catch now, you will start doing things that make you attractive without realizing it. You can now be God's gift to women. The con: Well I think there is only one con so far that I have encountered and I still haven't experienced it fully, but from people I know that follow similar beliefs they have told me and it seems to be a pattern even occuring in my life. The sole con, is that I think after a while, you might, if taken the wrong way, start to look at women as expendable. Which they are, just like men, but people are expendable in the sense that each one is unique, yet some people's uniqueness are not compatible with our own. What I'm trying to say is hard to put into words. We are expendable, but we are unique as well. Meaning, that yes therea re 3billion women out there, all of them have something unique, if one doesn't work out, it is her loss, but she's not WORTHLESS, she's just not for you. You get what I'm saying right? I've got it: Don't let women lose theire value as individuals, just know that there are always more women out there that have other unique traits that you will find just as attractive. BE SURE, not to slip into the mindset that a woman is worthless. There may be more out there, but look for the qualities in her and see if she possesses the ones you like. I'm sure you get what I meant. Anyway man, there are billions of women out there, they are waiting for YOU. Now you need to go get them before I do .
Author Vertex Posted April 16, 2006 Author Posted April 16, 2006 I'm trying to keep a positive mindset but people keep telling me stuff she's saying and I'd really rather not hear it! Apparently she went out fratting and already tried hooking up with a guy. It's stuff I'd really not like to think about and I am upset that people won't let me move on (admittedly the people who tell me things are the mutual friends who have sort of "sided with her" during this whole thing because she has told them nothing but negative things about me). It's like, I know I am a strong person. I dealt with my dad's death, managed to stay valedictorian, got into a bunch of great colleges, dealt with financial and academic issues, helped keep my family from falling apart, and now my girlfriend leaves me and I am lonely and feel like after all this stress and effort, the results are fruitless. I don't know why I keep getting taught the same lesson in life over and over despite my familiarity with it. I feel as if people take advantage of me because they just think "He can deal with it." When can I relax? I am so tired of trying to make ends meet. When will all this hard work pay off? It's like everything I do results in unfavorable effects and I wonder what I am living for. Every time I offer love and support it gets pushed away. My relationship ended and she's already looking for random flings. I feel very unappreciated and just FOR ONCE I'd love for things to go my way. Am I not supposed to ever have what I want? I have no problem giving myself fully to someone who truly loves me... but my love never gets accepted or cherished and I become so disposable. My ex girlfriend didn't depend on my love in any way. So many bad things keep happening in my life and I just need something great to happen for once.
westernxer Posted April 16, 2006 Posted April 16, 2006 Don't let a failed romance spoil your other accomplishments. You're on your way, so keep it up. Remember, hard work does not guarantee success in finding the love of your life. Virtue is its own reward, designed to help you find peace within yourself. Finding a reliable partner is just icing on the cake.
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