Hurt and Angry

[Keeper37]

Yes, I am feeling very confused at the moment and I am not sure what to think or feel. My BF whom I have been seeing over the past 2.5 years has suddenly just dissappeared. Let me explain a little. We have been fighting a lot over the last few months for various reasons, although we seem to work through it at times. He Works a great deal and while talking to him over a week ago now, he had been offered a promotion and that would entail moving to another state and he seemed quite confused about it and we talked everynight, even when he had to go out of town and interview etc. We even spent a nite together before he went out of town and he was feeling bad that we had been arguing during the course of this new news ( I was feeling horrible myself). He said he wasn't sure what he was going to do, he had worked very hard for this for many years and I encouraged him to do what was best for him and that I would support him. He said he had to have a answer by Monday to wether he was taking the position or not.. He kept saying to me that he was confused and he didn't want to leave me, he loved me. So, the last night I spoke with him ( which was a week ago) he seemed okay and I tried to make him smile ( laugh) as I knew he was having a tough time with it. He said that he appreciated my support and trying to help him take his mind of it for even just a minute. We hung up and said good night. He was leaving the next morning to go to New York to train with another person( or so that's what he told me and he had to get his suits together, pack again and figure out his game plan for week).

 

So, I tried calling him the next day just to say hello and see how his day was progessing. Didn't hear anything, so thought that he might be a little busy and I called him later on that evening. No answer, then it just started going to voice mail. I got a little worried but figured he would call the next day( I did leave a message telling him I was a little concerned and to please call when he had a minute). The phone rang ( cell phone) the next morning ( it was him)but only one ring so when I went to pick it up no one was there. I tried calling him later on that day and no answer, again I left a message, nothing. I got really concerned. Not like him at all. Then I called one more time that day and it went to voice mail again. Something in my gut didn't feel right, so I called his place of work and they told me that he wouldn't be much anymore or probably never again because he had gotten promoted the week before ( which means he was lying to me or that's the only conclusion I can come to). I didn't call again after that and I still haven't heard anything from him and it's been a week. I had sent him a email the same day that I called but he doesn't frequently check it ( telling him how I am there for him if he needs me and I will support him and stand by him no matter what decision he made and that I love him). So, I haven't heard from him--NOTHING--- I am a mess and I do not know what to think.... Could someone really just dissappear on someone like that, He is a honorable man or so I thought. Please help, do any men out there have any insight on this, it's seems completely unbelieveable. I am SO HURT, CONFUSED, ANGRY, I just don't know what to think or feel... Please help.

[Yamaha]

Can you ask his family or friends if they have heard from him?

[Keeper37]

I don't know his family to be honest, I did contact one of his friends ( but him and this guy have had conflicts lately and haven't spoken in months) He actually just called me back and told me that he was told the same thing by various people he use to work with ( that he was promoted and was moving and that it was rumored that he was on vacation with some other corporate individuals).

[CaliGuy]

Love doesn't "disappear" like that. I'm sorry this has happened but in all honesty, if someone did that to me they'd have to be in the hospital or kidnapped for me to take them back into my life.

[crazy_grl]

Wow. That's unbelievable. I'm sorry that happened to you. There's no excuse for him to disappear like that on you (unless as CG said, he's been kidnapped or in the hospital).

 

Something similar actually happened to me. My bf of over a year told me out of the blue that he was moving back home. That was bad enough, but he told me that he would call me as soon as he got where he was going. It was a 3 day drive. He didn't call. I had no idea what happened to him for 3 months... until he suddenly called wanting to get back together. Guess what I told him.

 

I know it sucks, but you'll find a guy who you won't fight with so much and who would never disappear on you like this.

[Keeper37]

Thanks for the support... I feel horrible and I guess I do not want to believe this ( just because I thought I knew him) . I guess it's still new to me and I wonder how could he do this or even why, he could have just told me SOMETHING--ANYTHING, not say I don't want to leave you and this is such a hard decision and I love you and knowing he was lying the entire time since he already took the postion ( such elaborate and detailed lies). I never could have imagined and I feel like someone just ripped my heart out and stole my dignity and self respect ( I know that I am in charge of my destiny) but it still is reeling inside me...

[Keeper37]

Update... I still haven't heard from him !!!!! I know that i can't keep asking why, but this to is unreal. Why would a man do this? Could it have been some kind of game for him? He was such a caring and giving man. Is he just a coward? I thought we had a future and a life together.

Please help??????

[Chinook]

... is closure.

 

Quite frankly, if he has been so cowardly to simply disappear out of your life. I think you need to gain this closure for yourself - by simply closing the door MENTALLY on him and your relationship.

 

That will require a period of what can only be described as bereavement for the relationship and the potential that it represented to you. I don't think you NEED him to give you an answer or the closure because what he has already done by his actions, and inactions, is pretty clear... he's simply hoping that eventually you will get tired and fade away.

 

One thing you MUST NOT do. Is blame yourself. If this was going to happen... think about it, he must have planned it for some time. He deceived you and played you right up until he walked out of the door that day to go. Without ever saying a word. That to me is cowardly and about as low as it gets.

 

You need to effectively cut contact. Don't call him. Don't email. Don't try to get him back. Sit back and wait and see what happens.

[Keeper37]

Thank you for your kind words of wisdom... It's almost like a death..

 

Since we had discussed him maybe being promoted on many occassions he always said that he wanted to ask me to move but that he didn't feel right about asking me to leave and he kept repeating before he left that he didn't want to leave me and I told him that I would be there for him regardless of his decision. I thought to myself that maybe he needed more from me than that and that was to tell him that I would move and I would have, I never actually said it but I thought by telling him that I was going to be there for him said it all. Here is a email that I sent him after the last night I spoke with him, I wanted him to know that I was there for him.

 

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=2][COLOR=#0033cc][COLOR=#0033cc][FONT=Arial]"I want you to know that I am so very proud of you, you have worked very hard to get where you are. You are dedicated and determined but that’s one of the things that I love about you, your passionate nature, your belief in yourself and those around you.[/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=2][COLOR=#0033cc][COLOR=#0033cc][FONT=Arial] [/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=2][COLOR=#0033cc][COLOR=#0033cc][FONT=Arial]You know that I will always stand behind you and support you through anything. You have given me strength in many ways, you make me to strive to be a better person. I am thankful that our paths crossed and that I have you in my life. I wouldn't want it any other way. Know that I love you, with all my heart and soul and while this decision about moving may be tough on you and the both of us, I am here for you and we can get through this together. You have worked very hard for this opportunity and while it’s true that I don’t want you to go, you must decide for yourself if this is truly something you want. Know that I am here for you.[/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=2][COLOR=#0033cc][COLOR=#0033cc][FONT=Arial] [/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=2][COLOR=#0033cc][COLOR=#0033cc][FONT=Arial]I am scared in all honesty, I love having you in my life and I can’t imagine being without you. I want you to know that I want you in my life, if you chose to take this position, it doesn't change that.[/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=2][COLOR=#0033cc][COLOR=#0033cc][FONT=Arial] [/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=2][COLOR=#0033cc][COLOR=#0033cc][FONT=Arial]You are my love and my best friend... I know things between us have been tough at times but know in your heart that I truly adore you and love the person that you are."[/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=2][COLOR=#0033cc][COLOR=#0033cc][FONT=Arial][/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/sIZE][/FONT]

[COLOR=#0033cc][FONT=Arial]I am not sure if he even read it, as I know he doesn't often check his email. but it leaves me empty.[/FONT][/COLOR]

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[FONT=Arial][sIZE=2][COLOR=#0033cc][COLOR=#0033cc][FONT=Arial] [/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/sIZE][/FONT]

[Yamaha]

You need to give yourself permision to grieve. It is a necessary thing to get the sorrow out before you can begin to feel better. You will also go through an anger phase and that too is normal. Just don't rush things as we all heal in our own time.

 

Just remember the problem does not lie in you. He is not worthy of your care and you will realize that at some point. Try to keep yourself busy and go out with friends. Take it one day at a time and remember to treat yourself well.

[GB111]

I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this. Wow, I've seen some crazy ones, but this one takes the cake!

 

My advice would be to simply get over him. Allow yourself time to grieve the end of the relationship, and move on. I would not contact him any further. I know that's much easier said than done. I've always said that the end of relationships are harder than death because with death, there is some finality.

 

I have to give the benefit of the doubt to this guy. He may be a decent person, but often in relationships, emotions get the better of people and they do selfish, nasty things. In any case, whatever his emotional state, it was very immature of him to do this to you. Just remember, as much as it hurts, that if he's capable of this, imagine what he might do to you if you did take the next step and got married? Do you want to spend your life with someone who is capable of this? Life will deal you more difficult times than just a job change, and you want someone by your side who will stick with you through it. Doesn't sound like he's the guy to do it.

 

I wish you the best. I'm getting over a very nasty breakup myself, and after 2 months, I still have bad days. It's a tough process, but you'll make it. Stay strong, stay busy, and try not to focus on him.

 

Best,

 

GB

[Keeper37]

Thanks so much to all of you for your support...

 

I guess somehow I was trying to figure it out and thought it was something I did but I do know that I did what I thought I needed to do. I feel awful now that I had poured out my heart but I know in the end it was the right thing to do for me and if I hadn't I would have always wondered.

 

My father died years back ( he committed suicide) and somehow it feels a little like that and is bringing back all these emotions, the two are not the same but the feeling is--- he left with out saying anything either and it leaves you to just feel empty ...............

[Keeper37]

I am having such a hard time with all of this... Still nothing... I can't sleep, I can't eat, it's awful...... I have always thought of myself as a fairly strong individual, this is killing me.

[Yamaha]

I am having such a hard time with all of this... Still nothing... I can't sleep, I can't eat, it's awful...... I have always thought of myself as a fairly strong individual, this is killing me.

 

Understandable. You need to talk about it with friends or just keep posting on LS. We will listen to you and that is a big relief. Sleep will probably be hard for a few days as you just keep going over things in your mind. You might ask your doctor for some sleep meds to help you in the short term. It will get better but the next few weeks will be hard. Just keep yourself busy and try not to blame yourself.

[Chinook]

Don't blame yourself. You didn't do anything wrong. Stay on track and when you're feeling blue come post here. I'm across in the UK and the boards are still active when I'm up and around in the morning. So people will always be around here.

[lexilas]

Keeper37...the scenario you describe has happened to me twice in my life. Once with someone I was with for over 3 years and then again with someone I was with for 1.5 years. In both scenarios - the cowards turned out to be just fine.

 

I may be wrong but your guy has taken the cowardly way out and as Chinook put it "that's about as low as it gets". I know how you feel right now but at no time should you blame yourself - he is the one with the problem. I don't want to give you false hope but he will contact you at some point - it's only a matter of time.

 

The thing about a relationship ending this way is...it's very hard to find closure. Something about the human mind needs to have something solid to grasp before it can let go even if it's mean hurtful words. Without it the mind keeps trying to reason and get behind the other parties thoughts until finally it tires of not being able to answer it's own questions - then it reluctantly let's go for lack of a more favorable solution.

 

The trick is not to try to reason why he did this. Just believe that there are people out there that are actually so selfish that they don't think or care about how they've left someone else feeling. All that matters to them is that they come away unscathed.

 

I am so sorry that you are going through this and I hope for your sake that this man has a super strong conscience that will eventually kick in and prompt him to contact you...sooner than later.

 

Take care

[Keeper37]

Yes, you are correct and I am so sorry that happened to you, it's really very sad that people can be so selfish. Everyone around me keeps asking me where he is ( even my parents) I can't even begin to describe the feeling it gives me everytime I am asked that question "where is he" "why did he do this"... Everyone says he seemed like such an Honorable Gentlemen.... Every single time I hear that I feel sick and my heart hurts.

 

I do go over it in my head sometimes ( heck most hours of the day at this point) and think I should have, I could have... Then I remember, I did everything I could have done, I didn't do this, HE DID..... Even though you know this, it still hurts, you mind is still left wondering, reeling with all different thoughts of why and how. How does a man that loves you do this? Well even harder to except is that he probably didn't, you don't love someone and do this to them. Yes people make mistakes but they do not intentionally and willfully do things like this to the people they love and care for, that goes for friends to.

 

So, it's been 1.5 weeks now and still nothing.... I have not called since the first week when I was worried and left the message that I was worried about him and to please call... I want to know you are alright. and nothing.... He could have left a message---- something, anything. At least I would know something. There are times I think about picking up the phone but it would do no good, he's not going to answer and that would make me feel even worse.

[Keeper37]

Okay, so after all I have said... I just couldn't take it.... I sent his best friend an email ( we are friends too) -- it was very nice and to the point and I said to him that I really didn't want to involve him because I know it's not right and that's not what I was trying to do and to please forgive me but he just dissappeared and I even said I am not sure what I am asking ...and that he my b/f had character and intergrity and that it just wasn't like him...it didn't make any sense.... I didn't go into any kind of detail except that he just dissappeared. Now I am feeling horrible... I did not want to involve this nice man and by know means want him to think that's what I am doing, I guess I am trying to understand and no matter how many times I tell myself that his actions speak louder than words, I can't get past that something happened.

 

Did I do the wrong thing? I have not called my b/f or anything since last week as I never got a response to my voicemails after his disappearing.

[Yamaha]

I don't see a problem with your wanting to know what happened to him. If his friend knows anything I hope he tells you what happened so you can have piece of mind.

[crazy_grl]

I don't see any problem with asking his friend. Do you even know for sure that he made it to his new job? You've said you didn't think that leaving without a word was like him and this is completely unexpected. If that's the case and you haven't heard from him and nobody knows for sure where he is, how do you know something hasn't happened to him?

 

If it were my boyfriend, I'd be calling any family and friends of his I could find just to make sure he was okay, and if not a single person knew for sure where he was, I'd be filing a missing persons report.

 

The fact that you're not worried about his safety and you find it this easy to accept that he just left without a word indicates to me that there was something wrong with your relationship, something that you're not really accepting because you're saying you didn't think this was the type of person he was while at the same time you seem to completely accept that it's what he did. If you *really* had no reason to believe he would do this, I think you'd be calling the cops right now.

 

So what I'm saying is that deep down, maybe you knew he wasn't such a trustworthy, honorable guy, but you convinced yourself otherwise.

 

Just a thought. And I could be wrong. Hope it makes sense.

[Keeper37]

I am not sure if you have through the whole thread. As I said I did contact some people and his place of work and they had told me that he did get promoted and wouldn't be in there anymore, that he had moved ( some of them had spoken to him since then) . Trust me, I was very concerned with his safety and left messages that I was worried and to please let me know you are okay.

 

Now, he did call last night.... All he could keep saying was that he was sorry. He took the position and has moved and he did try to call me where he was traveling and his phone was not working and I said that was no excuse, there are other phones out there. I said did you not get my messages and he said yes after a few days I did. He said that he didn't know what to say to me and that he felt depressed and wasn't sure that he had done the right thing and he felt like he was letting me down. All he kept saying was I am sorry and that I read the emails that you sent after we last talked and they broke my heart and I felt so bad about not calling, they have me running everywhere to train and and the more time passed the more I was scared to call ( he even came back into town to get some of his things and didn't call or see me because again he was to scared.... I said did you ever wonder what was going through my mind, how I was coping without any word from you at all. He said yes but he was scared to call. He said that he still wants for us to be together and that he wants to give it a go even though he is now in another state ( not to far away though). He is just going to be very busy for awhile. While I understand he frustrations and the BIG change in life, I was there to support him. I said to him did you ever think that maybe this was a good thing for us, not like I wouldn't move. I don't know what to think anymore.... His friend just emailed me back and said that he hadn't heard from him in two weeks either and that he has called but stopped leaving messages but that he was going to keep trying to call him. He even said it's not the end of the world because he might move ( he doesn't know that he moved yet) but he is just a phone call away.

 

Does anyone have any thoughts on any of this?

[Keeper37]

I am not sure if you have through the whole thread. As I said I did contact some people and his place of work and they had told me that he did get promoted and wouldn't be in there anymore, that he had moved ( some of them had spoken to him since then) . Trust me, I was very concerned with his safety and left messages that I was worried and to please let me know you are okay.

 

Now, he did call last night.... All he could keep saying was that he was sorry. He took the position and has moved and he did try to call me where he was traveling and his phone was not working and I said that was no excuse, there are other phones out there. I said did you not get my messages and he said yes after a few days I did. He said that he didn't know what to say to me and that he felt depressed and wasn't sure that he had done the right thing and he felt like he was letting me down. All he kept saying was I am sorry and that I read the emails that you sent after we last talked and they broke my heart and I felt so bad about not calling, they have me running everywhere to train and and the more time passed the more I was scared to call ( he even came back into town to get some of his things and didn't call or see me because again he was to scared.... I said did you ever wonder what was going through my mind, how I was coping without any word from you at all. He said yes but he was scared to call. He said that he still wants for us to be together and that he wants to give it a go even though he is now in another state ( not to far away though). He is just going to be very busy for awhile. While I understand he frustrations and the BIG change in life, I was there to support him. I said to him did you ever think that maybe this was a good thing for us, not like I wouldn't move. I don't know what to think anymore.... His friend just emailed me back and said that he hadn't heard from him in two weeks either and that he has called but stopped leaving messages but that he was going to keep trying to call him. He even said it's not the end of the world because he might move ( he doesn't know that he moved yet) but he is just a phone call away.

 

Does anyone have any thoughts on any of this?

[crazy_grl]

I am not sure if you have through the whole thread. As I said I did contact some people and his place of work and they had told me that he did get promoted and wouldn't be in there anymore, that he had moved ( some of them had spoken to him since then) . Trust me, I was very concerned with his safety and left messages that I was worried and to please let me know you are okay.

 

I did read through the whole thread. You said that the people at his workplace had told you he got a new job, but you didn't mention that any of them had heard from him since he left. In fact, I double checked before I posted to make sure you hadn't said anyone had spoken to him. And I just checked again, and you only mentioned people saying they heard he was leaving and rumors of him going.

 

But if you talked to someone who has actually heard from him since, then nevermind. What I said isn't relevant in that case.

 

But about the stuff your guy said about being scared, etc etc. Mine told me the same types of things when he finally called.

 

But it doesn't really matter why. That's not something you do to a person. LDRs are hard, and if this is how your guy handled things in this situation, I don't see how a relationship much less an LDR could work out.

[Keeper37]

Okay, he has been calling me everday since, we have had some long conversations and some he was just calling to say hello and at the end of the conversations he says I love you... I don't know what to think anymore, he says he wants to give it a shot and that he wants to be with me. He is sorry for what he did and there is no excuse for it.... Does anyone have any suggestions or opinions on this, I would greatly appreaciate them..????

 

Thanks

[nightowl]

What's to say he wouldn't do this to you again?

Do you trust him?

He should be begging and pleading, and proving himself to you!

 

I'd let it go...his actions were so cowardly...such a bad sign of things to come!