My_Other_I Posted April 18, 2006 Posted April 18, 2006 Oh God I've just erupted into tears at the same time the UPS man walked in! I've never heard it described better. The pain is flooding back all over again. Damn it!!!! It never ends, does it??? It just never f'ing goes away!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm stuck in purgatory hell forever!! At least you see it for what it was. The pain is temporary. I got a good laugh out of Like OP and many other ppl have said OW get the fun of the A, not the responsibilities of every day life. I very much enjoyed being lied to, being used, cooking for him, being looked at as a sex toy and his escape. Yup, I had a blast! ... not:sick:
zarathustra Posted April 18, 2006 Posted April 18, 2006 MOI, I'm so sorry that I made you cry and reminded you of the pain that we all went through! I was just shocked at the callousness of the comment that we only saw the fun in the relationship. Heck, I held the man when he wept because he missed his children and that he was heartbroken to be away from him. I wept with him and felt his pain. That was in no way fun for me nor for xMM.
My_Other_I Posted April 18, 2006 Posted April 18, 2006 MOI, I'm so sorry that I made you cry and reminded you of the pain that we all went through! I was just shocked at the callousness of the comment that we only saw the fun in the relationship. Heck, I held the man when he wept because he missed his children and that he was heartbroken to be away from him. I wept with him and felt his pain. That was in no way fun for me nor for xMM. All good, it wasn't me you made cry:love:
movinon05 Posted April 18, 2006 Posted April 18, 2006 MOI, I'm so sorry that I made you cry and reminded you of the pain that we all went through! I was just shocked at the callousness of the comment that we only saw the fun in the relationship. Heck, I held the man when he wept because he missed his children and that he was heartbroken to be away from him. I wept with him and felt his pain. That was in no way fun for me nor for xMM. It was me. Please don't worry about it. I'm ok. It happens and you obviously know the pain as much as I do. yeah, fun! You just never know when something is going to hit you like that. The description was dead on and I could feel the knife twisting in my heart as I read it. Its still part of the process.
My_Other_I Posted April 18, 2006 Posted April 18, 2006 Damn it!!!! It never ends, does it??? It does. You are too soon into your recovery to see it, but it's already gotten better. You've made your first step!
movinon05 Posted April 18, 2006 Posted April 18, 2006 It does. You are too soon into your recovery to see it, but it's already gotten better. You've made your first step! Too soon? Its been over a year!! How long does it take? I've been doing really great for the most part! This is why I feel like I'm in purgatory!
My_Other_I Posted April 18, 2006 Posted April 18, 2006 Too soon? Its been over a year!! How long does it take? I've been doing really great for the most part! This is why I feel like I'm in purgatory! In your case I would go for few years. they say it takes half the time the relationship lasted to recover. Who knows how it really is, but mine was right on target.
zarathustra Posted April 18, 2006 Posted April 18, 2006 In your case I would go for few years. they say it takes half the time the relationship lasted to recover. Who knows how it really is, but mine was right on target. It took me 2x the length of the R to get over my xMM. But I work with him and see him almost every day. I think that was why it took so long. Heck, I may have a relapse (I hope not). MO, I recall you were doing really well until the crafty gifts (that was you, right?). I think that when the xMM does stuff like that, its their attempt to keep the OW strung along. Giving them hope where hope doesn't exist. I think that the tears and sadness are coming from a shred of hope that he may be leaving. A shred of hope that you may be buried inside of you and forgotten. When you are ready to let go of that hope, his doing stuff like that will only look more and more trivial. I betcha anything that if you confronted him as to why he's doing all these nice things, he would say that he wants to show you he cares. When my xMM asked me personal questions, I ask him why he's asking. He would tell me because he cares about me. I just tell him that I don't need him to pretend to give a $hit about me. I don't need him to feel sorry for me or need his pity. He says that's not why he asks and he asks because he cares. If he cared about me, he wouldn't have done the things he did in the end to betray me. I realize that now that he was not trying to be friendly to show that he cares, not to pity me or to feel sorry for me, not to show how badly he feels about the situation, but for what it really is. To continue to control my life. To continue to have a little grasp on me to have a little tiny hold on me. When I told him only to talk to me when its business related, that when he pretends to be my friend and jests with me in front of others, all he does is hurt me. I told him that he can show that he cares by staying away from me. All he did was tell me that with pain in his heart he respects my request. I asked him not to respond, but just read it. What bullcrap response is that? Again all he's trying to do leave that little shred of hope in my heart. Well, forget it, I'm not falling for that again! He can take this "pain in his heart" and shove it where the sun don't shine. Many people say that when you can forgive the person, then you are ready to move on. Nope, I'm not a believer in that at all. I believe that when you let go of the hope, that's when you can truly move on. I've given up any hope with him. Even if he was available, I would say no chance in hell am I going through that again.
Walking away Posted April 18, 2006 Posted April 18, 2006 Yep, Zara... When the hope ends, the healing begins....
zarathustra Posted April 18, 2006 Posted April 18, 2006 Thanks, WA! One more thing to add... While I don't know what my future holds, I have a bit of control who I let in my life and who I keep out of my life. I know I have the ability to choose a future without xMM in my life. I have the ability to choose to never allow him to hurt me again. That is the choice I'm going to make. MO, I think at one point you have chosen never to let this man hurt you again. That is why you went NC with him. I believe in you and I think that you will be able to do great again when you really take a hard look at what this man would be able to offer you and what he has offered you so far. You will heal and this too will pass. Take care and load of hugs from me to you!
mopar crazy Posted April 18, 2006 Posted April 18, 2006 Ok ladies, I'm sorry that using the word "fun" in my first post about the A. Maybe that was a bad choice of words. As I look back at my own H's A I do believe it was fun for my H ex-OW. She had been after my H for many years and when our M was going through a lot she was right there to talk to H, be with him, have fun with him, ect. I knew the OW, had for years. I knew what was going on behind my back between the two of them. If she was so miserable having an A with my H she wouldn't be having an A with him. I know it's not fun when you go through the pain of having him, or yourself, break it off w/ the MM but can you honestly say that you didn't have fun at any point of the A? When you know that the person is M and you choose to have a R w/ that person don't you realize there is going to be pain? If it's not a fun relationship then why stay? I'm a little confused about that one. I was the OW at one time in my life and it was fun for me. I loved that man but I knew he wasn't mine to have, he belonged to his live in GF (whom he later M after I ended it.) No, it wasn't fun knowing I couldn't have him for myself but when I was with him it was fun. I loved being with him. And his GF never crossed my mind. All I could think about was the next time I could be with him and how much fun we would have.
My_Other_I Posted April 19, 2006 Posted April 19, 2006 It could be fun. It all depends on your expectations, hope and emotional involvement. Waiting around is not fun, but if you walk into OW/MM situation with your eyes open and with clear rules, you might have fun. Just my 2cents.
movinon05 Posted April 19, 2006 Posted April 19, 2006 MO, I recall you were doing really well until the crafty gifts (that was you, right?). I think that when the xMM does stuff like that, its their attempt to keep the OW strung along. Giving them hope where hope doesn't exist. I think that the tears and sadness are coming from a shred of hope that he may be leaving. A shred of hope that you may be buried inside of you and forgotten. When you are ready to let go of that hope, his doing stuff like that will only look more and more trivial. I betcha anything that if you confronted him as to why he's doing all these nice things, he would say that he wants to show you he cares. Many people say that when you can forgive the person, then you are ready to move on. Nope, I'm not a believer in that at all. I believe that when you let go of the hope, that's when you can truly move on. I've given up any hope with him. Even if he was available, I would say no chance in hell am I going through that again. Zara, I can honestly say you are wrong - even if my mind does float to the "what ifs." I will not take him back no matter what. After 8 years, (I have to say 8 now since he dropped the gift off), I know this man better than I know myself. I know all the things he said to me. I know in my heart what he is up to now, I can feel it in my gut. As I said, pretty soon it will just be him and his W. All those years, what he talked about most was his relationship with his son and how close they were and how he would be devastated to lose him. Understandable. But his son is a man now, who is moving out to go to college. He'll never lose his son no matter what he does. I can only hope that my giving those tables back sent him a clear message, but honestly, I doubt it. I know him, I know him, I know him. I never once begged him to come back when he left for whatever excuse. I dealt with it the best I could and tried to move on, then BAM, he was back. I said I was doing great and I am. Your response in the other post about fun just brought to the surface the reminder of the pain he put me through. After the UPS guy left (lol- he was nice though!), I went out of the office to get brunch and get my head clear before my boss came in. I've learned how to deal with the pain and how to control my emotions or get myself back on course because I don't allow myself to wallow in pity anymore. Well, let's just say, in the past year I wallowed twice. Sorry, can't help it. It does happen. But I allow it to happen realizing its part of the grieving process and get it out of my system and go forward. I have to tell you though, that even though I think about him everyday because of the songs on the radio or driving around town, etc., being on this board makes me think of him more. And I was starting to wonder if I should stay off of it because I have been moving on with my life, have a bf, and really need to bury the past. On the other hand, I want so much to spare someone else the pain if at all possible and THAT is why I post here. As I said before, I wish I had this board years ago. Other people going through what I was. I don't know how much I would have believed that I could surpass what everyone was going through, but I have to think it would have gotten me to where I needed to be sooner. So, yes I am doing great. I am stronger and loved and respected and treated well. Maybe that's why I'm here too. To show others when they go through the loss that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I guarantee the day will come when he contacts me again. Do you know what I am going to do? I am going to come here and get the support and the input I need to make sure I don't waiver. And get all of your insightful opinions about how to handle it. I now find there is strength in numbers! So thanks to all of you.
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