Guest Posted April 15, 2006 Posted April 15, 2006 I'm a 25yr old guy. I met a girl online (I know, I know...) about nine months ago and we started talking on the phone very soon thereafter. We hit it off very quickly and our feelings for one another have, well ... we love each other. The good news is she lives in the same city as me. The bad news is that, at 21, she has lost both of her parents and has some major abandonment issues to contend with. It has left her is such a state that, despite multiple attempts to see me, she is so completely crippled by her own fear that she can't bring herself to do it. I've tried everything I can think of to get her to see me. Nine months is pretty patient, so check off "patience" as having been tried. Especially considering I could drive to her house (if I knew exactly where it was) in 20 minutes or less. Frankly it's maddening. And yet I still love her and can't seem to wash my hands of her no matter how loudly my logic screams at me to do so. She won't give me her address. Every time we agree to meet someplace she vanishes from the face of the planet an hour or two before we're supposed to meet. She turns off her phone, probably because she doesn't want another frustrated lecture from me. I wish like a madman that we could just haphazardly run in to each other at the grocery store or something, to get this initial tension (for her) over with in a very casual manor. I'm not sure what to do. I can't force her to see me, and frankly I wouldn't want to. In my delirious love-smitten insanity I've briefly considered hiring a private detective to find her for me so I can approach her (I would fake our run-in like it was accidental). But I quickly realize that's a horrible idea because it risks loosing her trust in me, and I couldn't live with that. We've been at this so long I'm to the point where I expect her to flake out. I can't loose this girl. I need a fool-proof way to get her to a certain place at a certain time so I can meet her. I don't know exactly where she works or goes to school. She's very good at keeping this sort of information from me.
agnf666 Posted April 15, 2006 Posted April 15, 2006 Have you tried not to bring the subject up for a little while and see what happens. Maybe you are pressuring her too much. She does seem to have some issues that may be the reason why she is having problems meeting you. You just need to just talk to her one day and see what she is up to and if she says she is going to a place you know then you should stop in there and try to run into her. I would just honestly tell her you love her and you want to met her and get to know her in person, and tell her to bring a friend or something if she needs to. Invite her over to your house or something.
Yamaha Posted April 15, 2006 Posted April 15, 2006 Do you find this quality in her attractive? I don't think I could keep making excuses for her when ( as you say ) you both care. Pressuring her is not a good idea but at the same time she is being very childish. I think it is time to make her come to you. If she truly has feelings she will find a way to overcome her anxiety. I would reduce your time with her a little and see if she becomes upset. Sometimes you have to make the other person see what they are doing to create a change. If she truly loves you she will find some way to be with you. If not then she either has to many problems for you to want to deal with or she really didn't care enough to try.
brightskies Posted April 15, 2006 Posted April 15, 2006 I'm a 25yr old guy. I met a girl online (I know, I know...) about nine months ago and we started talking on the phone very soon thereafter. We hit it off very quickly and our feelings for one another have, well ... we love each other. The good news is she lives in the same city as me. The bad news is that, at 21, she has lost both of her parents and has some major abandonment issues to contend with. It has left her is such a state that, despite multiple attempts to see me, she is so completely crippled by her own fear that she can't bring herself to do it. I've tried everything I can think of to get her to see me. Do you at least know what she looks like? Nine months is an unreasonably long time to avoid the person you love. I realize her circumstances are difficult, but just one thought: did you consider that she might be hiding something? Such as another relationship?
Noos Posted April 16, 2006 Posted April 16, 2006 This is horrible to contemplate but it must be done - are you sure you haven't fallen in love with a fake persona? Maybe she's not who or what she says she is. I think her behaviour is unreasonable, whatever her emotional hangups may be and you need to fall out of love with this person as soon as possible. I think she's a fake.
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