Tara1973 Posted April 15, 2006 Posted April 15, 2006 I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years. We have a mortgage and were going to plan for a family. I trusted him and never suspected that he would cheat on me. Then the other woman phoned me at home yesterday while he was at work. She was crying. She kept apologizing. I asked her what was wrong. She said my boyfriend broke her heart. He dumped her two months ago. I listened. Just in shock. She said that they had slept together a few times and had been in love for nearly two years. And before that he had a fling with another girl. I asked him about it. He admitted it. But he says she lied about the love part and that he felt sorry for her then she blackmailed him so he couldnt get out of the relationship with her. He cried and said sorry to me a million times. He promised it would never happen again. He dumped her coz he wanted to devote his all to me and give me a family, which is what I so want. I would rather not rock the boat by remortgaging the house, letting down our famillies and everything else that comes with breaking up. I am over 30 and I feel I dont have time or energy to get look for a new relationship. Ive heard of stories where this can make a relationship stronger. Please advise. Be honest and brutal. I NEED real advice. Thank you.
JadeStar Posted April 15, 2006 Posted April 15, 2006 No one can tell you for sure what you need to do. That has to be your call. However IMO, I think you deserve someone to share a mortage with etc, that is faithful to you. You already now see his track record, I'm not saying he will do it again, but just know that if you proceed with this relationship it could happen again. Personally I think you would want something better for your self, than to stay with someone, just becasue of a mortage situation, and not wanting to let friends/family down because of a break up etc. You say you don't want to let them down, I think if they found out what he did and you stayed with him, that might be more or a let down to them. I could be wrong though. Its your call. Jade
lovernotafighter Posted April 15, 2006 Posted April 15, 2006 quite a few years ago I had the same type of thing happen to me..I decided to stay in our broken home for all the wrong reasons...we had tons of problems and honesty I wasn't as pissed of as i should have been and said we work things out. I to honestly was more worried about our family's our stuff and even him then the relationship it's self. (his hadn't grown in to a full blown PA yet..but it was a EA with a friend of mine..I found the e-mails) well here it is over 6 years after that incident with a 100 more problems...a 100 times harder to leave and I am the cheater! I don't know if my story helps..but looking back I wish I would have just left then..nothing changed for the better.
justagirliegirl Posted April 15, 2006 Posted April 15, 2006 The only thing he is sorry about is that he got caught. Feeling sorry for her? Please! So he had to f*** her for 2 years as he felt sorry for her? What a load? I bet if you talked to her more you would find out all the lies he told her. It is up to you whether to stay or not but just know that this is what you can expect your entire marriage to be like.
Ladyjane14 Posted April 15, 2006 Posted April 15, 2006 Are you planning on marrying this guy? Do either of you have any religious convictions that would make marriage a more meaningful arrangement than 'living together'? I ask because alot of people view 'not married' as single. If underneath it all your boyfriend feels "single", he's likely to continue to act that way regardless of whatever lip-service he gives you saying otherwise. Not that I recommend you marry him as things stand today, mind you!!! The OW that called you after two months, crying....had a purpose for doing that. There are several possibilities regarding her goal: 1. She wanted to stir up trouble so that you would break up with your boyfriend. That would make him single and available for real. 2. She felt bad about you planning a life with a 'cheater', so she wanted to let you know you were about to make a mistake. 3. She was pissed off about being dumped and wanted to get even. You know your situation best, so why do you think she called? Not that you want to make your decisions based on this, but I think you'll get a little insight from mulling it over. If your boyfriend is a known 'player', that's an important consideration for you. It IS possible for relationships to heal after infidelity, but it's difficult. Being in the planning stages for a home and family isn't enough incentive. There has to be love between the two of you....enough to sustain you through these difficult times. It would be better for you to downsize your home to something that's affordable for you, and to go to a sperm bank...than to further involve yourself with an unreformed cheater. So this guy needs to be motivated from within to make some changes. He needs to know that you're willing to end the relationship rather than be stuck for life with a cheater. There should be zero doubt in his mind about this. Don't forgive him without establishing boundaries on what kind of treatment you're willing to tolerate. "Sorry" ain't good enough. He needs to put the emotional work in if he's going to keep you. So, do you think he's willing to go the extra mile? If you feel like this is the guy for you, it's important that you address the deficits in the relationship before you go any further. You both need to be getting your ENs (emotional needs) met within the relationship, so that neither of you feel the need to go outside of it again. And your boyfriend will need to address whatever is dysfunctional in his character that permits him to cheat and lie. People who cheat have to rationalize their behavior to make it okay for them. Whatever justifications he uses to be able to do that have to change. I think you would be wise to set up counseling for the two of you. It will provide you both with some guidance for figuring all this out. You might also pick up a copy of Surviving An Affair by Harley, and read it together.
whichwayisup Posted April 15, 2006 Posted April 15, 2006 I would rather not rock the boat by remortgaging the house, letting down our famillies and everything else that comes with breaking up. I am over 30 and I feel I dont have time or energy to get look for a new relationship. Ive heard of stories where this can make a relationship stronger. Please advise. Be honest and brutal. I NEED real advice. Thank you. DO not get married to please your families. If you want to still get married, GO to couples therapy and learn how to communicate. Find out WHY he allowed a woman to fall inlove with him for 2 years and have an affair with her. Find out WHY (the REAL truth) he did all that in the first place, especially when he had you! You make sure to tell him to come clean about everything. You need to learn how trust him again. He broke that bond, that love, that trust... I'd be curious to know in the past 2 months since he broke up with her did he try to see anybody else?
HokeyReligions Posted April 15, 2006 Posted April 15, 2006 If not disappointing your families and settling for the appearance of a good marriage/relationship and the trappings that go along with it are more important to you than love, stay with him. If you are more afraid of your age and of the possibility of being alone than you are of being in a relationship with no trust then stay with him. Make the choice that everytime you cry from here on out you will remind yourself of your choice and you will buck-up and take it and keep going. Otherwise, dump him.
Curmudgeon Posted April 15, 2006 Posted April 15, 2006 Relationships are hard work if they're going to be successful. They're all the more difficult when the bond of trust is broken. If they're maintained because of other people such as those you don't want to disappoint, or mainly for financial considerations such as a house, I'd say they're impossible. Thirty is not old. My wife divorced her ex at 30 and figured that was the end of marriage and men for her. She just wasn't interested. She was 48 when we married so never say never and don't feel old. You're not!
Blind Illusion Posted April 15, 2006 Posted April 15, 2006 He already dumped her, that much is known, hence the call. Some people don't agree but I make a distinction in my mind of someone doing the right thing independent of ,and before the fact that they got caught. Still, even with that being said, I think you need to go very slowly with this one. You don't want to be in the situation of having a family, more bills, etc and history repeats itself. Premarital therapy might be an option that helps you both decide where to go from this point.
Guest45 Posted April 17, 2006 Posted April 17, 2006 Sounds like a mess! There is one girl before this one that she KNOWS of, but who knows who else he's been screwing and it's been going on for too long with no effort in him to change. He should be putting the effort in and he didn't. If you want to have a future of heartache because of desperation, then go ahead.
Guest Posted April 18, 2006 Posted April 18, 2006 PLEASE, OH PLEASE, read "Private LIes" By PIttman - you can get it on Amazon.com for around $10. I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years. We have a mortgage and were going to plan for a family. I trusted him and never suspected that he would cheat on me. Then the other woman phoned me at home yesterday while he was at work. She was crying. She kept apologizing. I asked her what was wrong. She said my boyfriend broke her heart. He dumped her two months ago. I listened. Just in shock. She said that they had slept together a few times and had been in love for nearly two years. And before that he had a fling with another girl. I asked him about it. He admitted it. But he says she lied about the love part and that he felt sorry for her then she blackmailed him so he couldnt get out of the relationship with her. He cried and said sorry to me a million times. He promised it would never happen again. He dumped her coz he wanted to devote his all to me and give me a family, which is what I so want. I would rather not rock the boat by remortgaging the house, letting down our famillies and everything else that comes with breaking up. I am over 30 and I feel I dont have time or energy to get look for a new relationship. Ive heard of stories where this can make a relationship stronger. Please advise. Be honest and brutal. I NEED real advice. Thank you.
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