Did I do the right thing?

[mark1210]

Well after many months of silience from me on this board I am back. I met a wonderful woman years ago as friends and we ended up dating in January. Things were great up until a week ago.

 

Let me give some background, she is 23 I am 26. She is 3 weeks from graduating college and of course stressed. For the past 2 weeks she has been in a negative mood, not happy around me, little affection, always talking about not knowing where she will end up moving to (originally she intended to stay in the area when we got together). After two weeks of this I finally had enough and asked her...whats going on, you are stressed all the time and you seem that you don't want this. Aare you just not ready for a relationship? She at first said yes I am ready, then later said I don't know much of anything anymore. I like you lots, but I dunno where I will be, and the idea of a relationship in general makes things much more complicated.

 

She claims she feels like she can't give me what I deserve, that she may end up moving 6 hours away, she can't find a job anywhere locally near me, etc. When we first started dated I was concerned with the possibility of her moving so far away and she assured me she was remaining in this area and not to give it a second thought. Of course, now she is retracting that statement. So we agreed to mutually stop dating, no bad breakups or anything. Tonight, she wanted to come by goto the movies and stay the night. I told her it wasn't a good idea, that she'd regret it, and that I still cared for her but at the point in her life and with her saying she wasn't ready for a relationship that the timing was bad. She came over anyways, and we talked out on the patio, hugged and I told her that once she got her life in order to call me and maybe we can pickup where we left off. She apologized many times telling me she thought she was ready, she thought she could stay in the area, etc. That I was perfect, that its all her fault, etc.

 

She has since called and txt'd me a few times later tonite, with the exception of the first call I have been avoding all others. I told her on the one call I did answer that her calling and us talking is stressing me and making things much worse. I told her, call me once you get stuff figured out but any other messages or txt's you leave will not be responded to. I was purely non-emotional around her when all this went on, I never have showed any sad emotions around her. She asked me, why aren't you crying like I am. I said, I saw this coming, I was afraid this would happen.

 

Am I going about this all the wrong way...everyone tells me to try this no contact crap and that in time she will realize what she had and if it was good for her she will call me. Of course, I am not waiting and I don't expect her too either. Others tell me that she should have been able to juggle a relationship, that she should have known where she'd live, that she may just be feeding me BS and may just not have been interested anymore.

 

My entire weekends revolved around us, and now I have no idea what to do with them. My friends are all in relationships and we never hang out on weekends. Relationships...man when they are good they are great, when they are bad its like hell.

[littlepiggy1]

I think you're doing the right thing. It sounds like she is definitely in a place in her life where she would be no good in a relationship. She needs to get some firm ground under her feet before involving herself with someone else.

 

Giving her time and space to figure all that out, IMHO, is a good thing. And if she can't figure it out... Well, would you have wanted to be with her then?

[Guest]

My Gf of two years (in college) basically did the same thing. Someone you thought which was totally dedicated to you makes a huge change, and the relationship takes a dive for the worst.

 

What is important to remember is that it is a huge change for that person, and what you remember her as, isn't what she is now. However, this does not negate the fact you have lost someone dear to you.

 

It sucks hard core loosing your best friend, and possibly the person you wanted to be with for the rest of your life. I would guess though, your best friend was probably gone long before the breakup occurred (for me it was that way).

 

The most important thing to remember is that if the other individual isn't strong enough to remain with you (for better or worst) then it isn’t going to work. Relationships, IMO are a test of dedication, and overtime it will show. I am not married; however, when I am with someone it would take an act of god for someone to question my commitment (especially over time).

 

For some people the transition from college to a working class adult is very scary. They suddenly realize college is over and the future is uncertain. IMO, this feeling is drastically influenced based on their connection to family and independence/maturity (both male and female). They often try to have as much fun as possible before the reality of college is over, and will resent their decision if they don't. The individual suddenly realizes they won't have class the next day and its time to give serious thought to ones future V.S. whatever fantasy they had. My ex would only reside in California; which drastically limited my carrier choices (computer science). I was not willing to compromise my degree (which I worked damn hard for) to be limited to a region of the United States for her desire to be near her parents.

 

Additionally, while you two broke up there were probably signs far beyond the actual breakup. In my relationship, we spent less time together; friendship became a thing of the past and in all honesty the cards were on the table. I tried hard (very hard, even breaking my own rules) to make things work, as you probably did. FYI, breaking my own rules was well worth it as I now know definitively she isn't it.

 

The realistic view of this whole thing is that, you have to love someone enough to just let them go, and let yourself move on. Sure you could try and wait, but you already have serious doubts. When I say move on that does not necessarily mean another relationship. She might get established and realize you were the "one". IMO, I know what I want, and I don't have these doubts. Just be able to let her go and not "keep" her irrespective of past history. If your willing to wait then wait, but don't but things on hold (life is way too short).

 

Concerning your weekends, find something to do with friends or individuals which will give you stimulus. They will help you to occupy yourself, V.S. feeling like your weekends are without that special someone. I am not an overly social person, so hobbies and engrossing myself in work/activities, provides a solution for me. You might have a different solution; point being when your happy being alone, great things happen.

 

In the end, wish her the best; that is if you really love her vs. needing her. It's a hell of a lot better to breakup now. Suppose this happened when your married, things could be a lot worst (I don't do divorce, and no I am not religious). I personally would rather live a life of being single than spending my life with someone who didn't whiteness my life and love every moment of it.

 

Point being....it’s a new start...enjoy what you have been given...its summer...new experiences happen....good things come to those who wait.

[daphne]

Mark,

sounds similar to my situation. I broke up with a guy that said he was moving. He came back saying he'd change his mind if I stayed in the relationship. Now he's aloof and not fully into the relationship and admitted that he still wants to leave. So I again said go.

 

You are doing the right thing. If someone doesn't realize what you have to offer and they don't know what they want, it's best to get out of their way. You need someone who is where you're at. The timing is bad. And it's entirely possible that this person will never know what she wants. You don't want to prolong the hurt for that. Me, I'm moving on. I have no choice. I know that I can do better than that. He knows it too. If you let wishy washy people step in and dictate the terms of a relationship, you'll end up feeling really stupid and neurotic.

 

Go no contact until you dont' care anymore. That seems to be the key to the person coming back. When they can't have you anymore and you dont' want them back.

[CaliGuy]

Bro, you're dead accurate on what you are doing.

 

This very well could be one of those "tests" all men have to face and you held your head up high and didn't buckle under the pressure. You stood up and took it like a man (regardless of how you felt inside), you responded instead of reacted to her news and you kept your composure.

 

Dude, that was golden in my book, the right way a man handles a breakup. You need to continue as you are. She needs to understand what she is risking by letting you go.

 

She can't see that if you are clingy, insecure and holding on to her for dear life. Let her explore a bit of what life would be like without you.

 

Hats off to you, I wish when this happened to me I had the same strength you are showing now. You're being a superb role model for other men.

[mark1210]

Thanks everyone for the advice, at least it reassures me that what I did was the right thing fo her as well as myself. I guess with all the heartache and crap relationships I had in the past I learned not to wear my heart on my sleeve and the signs to look for so I can eject and get outta there.

 

Its just so odd, it was the cleanest breakup I have ever had, I have had some hella bad breakups but not this one. In fact, this was the first time I initatied the breakup process.

 

The only thing that worries me is that my folks keep telling me I jumped the gun on something that may or may not have happend (her moving). Like I told them though, I don't want to be with someone where there is a possibility of them moving far away. I'd rather cut my losses sooner than later.

 

It would be nice if she did happen to stay in the area and if she realized what she had was good for her, but people in hell want water and chances are what I want won't happen. Sure seems like the Dallas area has a lot of women who don't know what they want or love to play games.

 

I guess what sucks now is that I kind of forgotten what I did on the weekends since I met her in Jan. The friends I do have are all in relationships and never hang out on the weekends. I need to make some single friends LOL but dunno how to go about that or where to do it. Being 26 and making new friends outside of work isn't like being 10 years old with kids in the neighborhood. Any advice here?

[littlepiggy1]

mark, I hear ya about the friends thing. I was in a 20 month relationship and after breaking up 2 months ago, suddenly I was like "what the hell do I do with my time now?" and "where did all my friends go?" It's amazing how much time a relationship takes up in your schedule and how much you can become distant from people you know during that time.

 

I'd recommend either signing up for a club or classes in anything you're interested in. Or if there's a sport you wanted to take up, maybe sign up for some group lessons. For shy types like me, those things work because you're around a group of people with common interests. It's much easier to break the ice and get to know others that way.

[mark1210]

Thanks again everyone for the advice. After reflecting on myself a bit I have decided I should use my new found free time to better myself (getting back into shape, losing 10-15 lbs, get used to being in my own skin and just overall bettering myself). In fact, I went out the bars, clubs and movies alone to get over this phobia I seem to have of being alone. I also decided that I should check out my local churches and perhaps enroll in a singles ministry. Would be great to get God into my life and at the same time meet people near my age and from my area and possibly develop many friendships. I'm even more convinced that the saying is true...everything happens for a reason. Of course, it still hurts and I am still bent out of shape over my relationship disolving but its behind me and I can't change who she is nor would I want to even if I could. Her time in my life was short, but I learned many things and I very glad that we did make the best out of the time afforded to us.

 

Thanks again everyone for pulling me out of this rut. LOL hopefully you will quit seeing my face around here which means I finally found the right person...but if not you guys and gals are great.

[FNG2006]

Hey man -

 

I read your first post and feel you handled it maturely. As a lot of other responses have said - it was GOLDEN. And I completely feel you on:

 

- Not knowing what to do with yourself on the weekends since all that time revolved around your ex.

- All of your friends are not single and have g/f's.

 

I hate it, and I'm sure you do too. I miss the compansionship and sure, I'll admit to even being a bit jealous of my buddies. I don't take it out on them or anyone though since I know where it's coming from. But you did nothing wrong during that break-up. You handled yourself like a true man of character. Good luck to you, bro.